The process got difficult around the two month mark

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, around two months of NC. A couple of weeks after seeing my ex and my replacement together at a movie festival.

I recently started at a new job and the onboarding is exhausting. The exhaustion is bringing out feelings so far left untouched.

I am currently processing our relationship from the beginning. Last night I realized that even the "early good times" were not that special and only look so good comparatively.

I do realize my mind is perhaps playing a bit of a trick on me. I do realize there was something there, but what I'm saying is that I now know just how early the manipulation started.

I have very few memories from the first few times we saw each other and I conclude that is because the time spent was sort of... uneventful for me. They were relaxing getaways from my home town but I have trouble remembering what actually happened because we just hanged around her apartment.

Until we started having sex and she told me about all the abuse she had gone through. That got me hooked. It was around the first time we had sex that she had her first BPD-adjacent episode and I comforted her. After that event I start recalling more frequent events.

Within 2-3 months of being aware of each other she buys me an extravagant birthday present. It was something I liked very much so I didn't think much about it. I bragged about it to my friends. I felt adored.

It did start an anxiety-inducing gift culture within me though. Birthdays and Christmas became a stressful time. I felt she had started an emotional arms race.

Fast-forward to her moving in with me and my best friend who was the driver for the van chats her up and goes into this comedian mode where some of us males tend to go when we hit it with a friend's girlfriend. At this point I know she is disturbed and I'm just trying to move her closer to take better care of her.

She had already started grooming him, half a year into our relationship. It later became apparent she was lapping up the attention he was giving her. At her birthday later that year he brought an inappropriately expensive birthday present for her. A year later from that he did it again and even started rubbing her back in front of everyone, unprompted after she said her back was tense.

Now, I'm at the point of realizing that her drama was the emotional core of our relationship. And that I never truly consented to be within her drama bubble. But I feel immense regret and sense of failure for seeing how her eyes lit up from his attentions.

Because like I said: her drama was the emotional core of the relationship! I can't go "well it wasn't a real relationship, it was just her being needy and waif-y" because HER BEING NEEDY AND WAIF-Y WAS THE RELATIONSHIP. AND HIM STEPPING UP TO SHOWER HER WITH THE KIND OF UNRELENTING AND UNREQUITED ATTENTION MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I FAILED FROM THE START.

This is incredibly taxing and exhausting. I know for a statistical fact they're probably not going to work out much better than me and her in the long run but it pains me to no end how early on she latched onto him.

I know I should have ended it many times. And one of the most painful times was when I should have realized that she was not able to work on our relationship but instead was feeding her bottomless need for one-way attention by emotionally cheating on me with my friend.

I slowly became the stern father to her, urging her to seek treatment while she was secretly lovebombing a guy who just wanted to listen to her talk about her favourite movies and bands. It was sickening, absolutely sickening.

There was this one party where we sat down listening to music and she went on complete overdrive as he kept talking about the bands she liked. And it killed me to see her so enthusiastically talking about them. In a way she never talked to me. She explained it by saying "nobody ever liked anything I liked" and it made me feel like I was an asshole for not encouraging her more.

Even now, months after the breakup, I feel sort of guilty for having a music taste of my own and for expecting a person to have a modicum of conviction for their own taste!

I have a hunch it wasn't the first time anybody liked the same bands she did. In a similar way that she probably was not r*ped and abused non-stop for ten years like she told me. But here I am, feeling guilty for not being absolutely infatuated with her taste in media.

[Tupla Sport]

So, around two months of NC. A couple of weeks after seeing my ex and my replacement together at a movie festival.

I recently started at a new job and the onboarding is exhausting. The exhaustion is bringing out feelings so far left untouched.

I am currently processing our relationship from the beginning. Last night I realized that even the "early good times" were not that special and only look so good comparatively.

I do realize my mind is perhaps playing a bit of a trick on me. I do realize there was something there, but what I'm saying is that I now know just how early the manipulation started.

I have very few memories from the first few times we saw each other and I conclude that is because the time spent was sort of... uneventful for me. They were relaxing getaways from my home town but I have trouble remembering what actually happened because we just hanged around her apartment.

Until we started having sex and she told me about all the abuse she had gone through. That got me hooked. It was around the first time we had sex that she had her first BPD-adjacent episode and I comforted her. After that event I start recalling more frequent events.

Within 2-3 months of being aware of each other she buys me an extravagant birthday present. It was something I liked very much so I didn't think much about it. I bragged about it to my friends. I felt adored.

It did start an anxiety-inducing gift culture within me though. Birthdays and Christmas became a stressful time. I felt she had started an emotional arms race.

Fast-forward to her moving in with me and my best friend who was the driver for the van chats her up and goes into this comedian mode where some of us males tend to go when we hit it with a friend's girlfriend. At this point I know she is disturbed and I'm just trying to move her closer to take better care of her.

She had already started grooming him, half a year into our relationship. It later became apparent she was lapping up the attention he was giving her. At her birthday later that year he brought an inappropriately expensive birthday present for her. A year later from that he did it again and even started rubbing her back in front of everyone, unprompted after she said her back was tense.

Now, I'm at the point of realizing that her drama was the emotional core of our relationship. And that I never truly consented to be within her drama bubble. But I feel immense regret and sense of failure for seeing how her eyes lit up from his attentions.

Because like I said: her drama was the emotional core of the relationship! I can't go "well it wasn't a real relationship, it was just her being needy and waif-y" because HER BEING NEEDY AND WAIF-Y WAS THE RELATIONSHIP. AND HIM STEPPING UP TO SHOWER HER WITH THE KIND OF UNRELENTING AND UNREQUITED ATTENTION MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I FAILED FROM THE START.

This is incredibly taxing and exhausting. I know for a statistical fact they're probably not going to work out much better than me and her in the long run but it pains me to no end how early on she latched onto him.

I know I should have ended it many times. And one of the most painful times was when I should have realized that she was not able to work on our relationship but instead was feeding her bottomless need for one-way attention by emotionally cheating on me with my friend.

I slowly became the stern father to her, urging her to seek treatment while she was secretly lovebombing a guy who just wanted to listen to her talk about her favourite movies and bands. It was sickening, absolutely sickening.

There was this one party where we sat down listening to music and she went on complete overdrive as he kept talking about the bands she liked. And it killed me to see her so enthusiastically talking about them. In a way she never talked to me. She explained it by saying "nobody ever liked anything I liked" and it made me feel like I was an asshole for not encouraging her more.

Even now, months after the breakup, I feel sort of guilty for having a music taste of my own and for expecting a person to have a modicum of conviction for their own taste!

I have a hunch it wasn't the first time anybody liked the same bands she did. In a similar way that she probably was not r*ped and abused non-stop for ten years like she told me. But here I am, feeling guilty for not being absolutely infatuated with her taste in media.

[NotAHero]

So, around two months of NC. A couple of weeks after seeing my ex and my replacement together at a movie festival.

I recently started at a new job and the onboarding is exhausting. The exhaustion is bringing out feelings so far left untouched.

I am currently processing our relationship from the beginning. Last night I realized that even the "early good times" were not that special and only look so good comparatively.

I do realize my mind is perhaps playing a bit of a trick on me. I do realize there was something there, but what I'm saying is that I now know just how early the manipulation started.

I have very few memories from the first few times we saw each other and I conclude that is because the time spent was sort of... uneventful for me. They were relaxing getaways from my home town but I have trouble remembering what actually happened because we just hanged around her apartment.

Until we started having sex and she told me about all the abuse she had gone through. That got me hooked. It was around the first time we had sex that she had her first BPD-adjacent episode and I comforted her. After that event I start recalling more frequent events.

Within 2-3 months of being aware of each other she buys me an extravagant birthday present. It was something I liked very much so I didn't think much about it. I bragged about it to my friends. I felt adored.

It did start an anxiety-inducing gift culture within me though. Birthdays and Christmas became a stressful time. I felt she had started an emotional arms race.

Fast-forward to her moving in with me and my best friend who was the driver for the van chats her up and goes into this comedian mode where some of us males tend to go when we hit it with a friend's girlfriend. At this point I know she is disturbed and I'm just trying to move her closer to take better care of her.

She had already started grooming him, half a year into our relationship. It later became apparent she was lapping up the attention he was giving her. At her birthday later that year he brought an inappropriately expensive birthday present for her. A year later from that he did it again and even started rubbing her back in front of everyone, unprompted after she said her back was tense.

Now, I'm at the point of realizing that her drama was the emotional core of our relationship. And that I never truly consented to be within her drama bubble. But I feel immense regret and sense of failure for seeing how her eyes lit up from his attentions.

Because like I said: her drama was the emotional core of the relationship! I can't go "well it wasn't a real relationship, it was just her being needy and waif-y" because HER BEING NEEDY AND WAIF-Y WAS THE RELATIONSHIP. AND HIM STEPPING UP TO SHOWER HER WITH THE KIND OF UNRELENTING AND UNREQUITED ATTENTION MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I FAILED FROM THE START.

This is incredibly taxing and exhausting. I know for a statistical fact they're probably not going to work out much better than me and her in the long run but it pains me to no end how early on she latched onto him.

I know I should have ended it many times. And one of the most painful times was when I should have realized that she was not able to work on our relationship but instead was feeding her bottomless need for one-way attention by emotionally cheating on me with my friend.

I slowly became the stern father to her, urging her to seek treatment while she was secretly lovebombing a guy who just wanted to listen her talk about her favourite movies and bands. It was sickening, absolutely sickening.

There was this one party where we sat down listening to music and she went on complete overdrive as he kept talking about the bands she liked. And it killed me to see her so enthusiastically talking about them. In a way she never talked to me. She explained it by saying "nobody ever liked anything I liked" and it made me feel like I was an asshole for not encouraging her more.

Even now, months after the breakup, I feel sort of guilty for having a music taste of my own and for expecting a person to have a modicum of conviction for their own taste!

I have a hunch it wasn't the first time anybody liked the same bands she did. In a similar way that she probably was not r*ped and abused non-stop for ten years like she told me. But here I am, feeling guilty for not being absolutely infatuated with her taste in media.

  This is one of the toughest things to fathom because of how vulnerable the BPDs are with their current host. When they are with you it’s all about you. Which makes you believe that you could have changed the outcome.

 The truth is BPD is “love” is just a cycle and your fate is sealed regardless of who you are. It’s always about them. Wether you are a horrible abuser or the most caring best natured partner in the world you will be mirrored, idealized, devalued and discarded. Then to the next host they go.


 It’s sad for you and for them but we can’t fix the world. Save yourself and be happy you escaped and you are not the one with the disorder following you to the next phase. Like a demon residing within to torture you for life. You are free now, enjoy the possibilities.

[Tupla Sport]

Yeah. The often coinciding fears of abandonment and enmeshment get them eventually. I've never come across a serious testimony of someone overcoming BPD just by finding "the right person". Or any mental health problem for that matter. If that sort of happens it means the person who is disordered has been leveraging on their partner and the happiness hinges on their attentions and support. Someone can better your mood but cannot cure your mood disorder. But taking part in the shared fantasy of happiness is really addictive for both. The disordered person seems to be getting the lifesupport they need and the rescuer feels needed.

[once removed]

Until we started having sex and she told me about all the abuse she had gone through. That got me hooked.

you loved a very needy person.

for some, the draw toward a needy person is feeling needed. for some, thats a need. it can be powerfully fulfilling.

eventually, though, these two powerful needs are not only unsustainable in terms of a long term romantic relationship, but those needs might start to compete.

it seems to me that youre struggling with, not the idea that you couldnt meet those needs - although perhaps in part - but that her message seemed to be "youre no longer needed".

of course, it isnt that simple. your needs (yours and hers) were a catalyst, until they were at odds, and the relationship became about that competition between two people that couldnt really meet each others needs ultimately. she just beat you to the punch, so to speak, and that always stings.

[Tupla Sport]

you loved a very needy person.

for some, the draw toward a needy person is feeling needed. for some, thats a need. it can be powerfully fulfilling.

eventually, though, these two powerful needs are not only unsustainable in terms of a long term romantic relationship, but those needs might start to compete.

it seems to me that youre struggling with, not the idea that you couldnt meet those needs - although perhaps in part - but that her message seemed to be "youre no longer needed".

of course, it isnt that simple. your needs (yours and hers) were a catalyst, until they were at odds, and the relationship became about that competition between two people that couldnt really meet each others needs ultimately. she just beat you to the punch, so to speak, and that always stings.

Excellently put. I do have an innate pull towards elationships where I can provide for someone in a really tangible way.

She forced me to accept going on a break which she used to hook up to a new supply. She seeemed amicable about the breakup at first and it made me furious. I felt "laid off" more than broken up with. It was the right decision but I felt tricked and abused all the same. I've been replaying her breakup message the most of every element of the breakup in my head, trying to get to grips with it. She said "we're just not happy together" which is true but I wanted her to acknowledge her disorder but no.

[Turkish]

Being laid off is an interesting viewpoint. Can you compare and contrast that with a "normal" breakup?

[Tupla Sport]

Being laid off is an interesting viewpoint. Can you compare and contrast that with a "normal" breakup?

When I've broken up with someone in the past, it has stung a great deal and I have usually been the dumpee, not the dumper. Even tried to beg people to take me back. This time I didn't feel initial sadness but anger. I didn't want to be taken back, at all. It was all fronted by me being angry at being denied my emotional livelihood. I had put so many resources and so much of my energy to the relationship and had seen the relationship as a project, as an investment into the future.

I initiated the breakup at first. I pushed for it to happen. When we were sort of settled into breaking up, we both started getting second thoughts about it and we did a reverse, in a number of stages. Her charming side came through and I got infatuated with her again. She was really charming and lovely when she didn't have difficult emotions from me to bear .

We had been doing the breakup routine so many times by then I honestly did not know when it had any meaning. Threats of breaking up became a thing that merely defaulted arguments. She would "come down" from her violent episodes usually by me threatening to break up with her. Our boundaries were so shot I still to this day over two months out have trouble being a 100% certain this is the end with her. By the latter half of the relationship nothing mattered and everything was anything.

Then she abruptly demanded we go on a break and for two weeks the feelings of anger bubbled in me until I asked for an update and it turned out she was ready to drop me like a hat. Soon it became clear she was seeing my best friend and had chosen him to be his new supply. Neither of them openly disclosed this to me. I confronted them both but only my friend admitted to it.

[Turkish]

This time I didn't feel initial sadness but anger. I didn't want to be taken back, at all. It was all fronted by me being angry at being denied my emotional livelihood. I had put so many resources and so much of my energy to the relationship and had seen the relationship as a project, as an investment into the future.

So much like being laid off from a job, anger was your initial, primary emotion, even if you thought that you did the best job the that you could?

[Tupla Sport]

So much like being laid off from a job, anger was your initial, primary emotion, even if you thought that you did the best job the that you could?

Yes.

I felt gaslighted. I felt like she was trying to make it sound like it was just us two people making each other unhappy by being incompatible. I wanted her to say "My BPD is not going away any day soon. I don't want either of us to suffer."

She even said she had talked with a number of people and the convos had always had "not happy together" as a bottom line.

What I think happened and for some reason it is very important for me to cling to that idea is that she realized she was already emotionally cheating on me with my friend and she could just drop me for a new supply. And that even if she had those convos she was not disclosing the whole truth. I think she backtracked and now denies having BPD. If she admitted to having BPD people would have an idea of how things really were. She called me a narcissist and herself a survivor of narcissist abuse and I have a hard time seeing her going "oh he had NPD, I have BPD".

[Turkish]

From what she told me, my ex's friends encouraged Eat, Pray, Love, despite that we had a 1 and 3 year olds and one of her high school friends was very aware of her sordid history with boyfriends and her emotional instability.

I got apologies later after it didn't work out with her boy-toy cum husband, but they were impersonal like yours. "It" didn't work out and the like. She told the kids this, too. No, she chose her/our path.

[Tupla Sport]

From what she told me, my ex's friends encouraged Eat, Pray, Love, despite that we had a 1 and 3 year olds and one of her high school friends was very aware of her sordid history with boyfriends and her emotional instability.

I got apologies later after it didn't work out with her boy-toy cum husband, but they were impersonal like yours. "It" didn't work out and the like. She told the kids this, too. No, she chose her/our path.

I can see that, reflecting on my ex's front personality. She would give this almost manic pixie dream girl vibe that is easy to be fooled by. After all, it is designed to do exactly that. Charm and persuade without reason.

[Tupla Sport]

Being involved with people with personality disorders is a harrowing reminder that there are so many people with disturbed ideas of interaction out there, and that their loved ones often work as enablers, if not as full-blown flying monkeys. It's like with my former NPD friend. I spent countless hours trying to make sense of their nature and it obviously didn't help much. Everybody around them was like "well what can ya do, that's him for you". And I guess that's it. These people are running about, causing havoc and the best you can do is steer clear of them.

Obviously I simplified things above. It's never as clear-cut as the disordered person being the villain and other people being victims. Everyone has traits from the disorder symptom pools, I can clearly see histrionic traits in myself for example. You can be an asshole without a set of symptoms and a rather reasonable person with symptoms.

[SinisterComplex]

Being involved with people with personality disorders is a harrowing reminder that there are so many people with disturbed ideas of interaction out there, and that their loved ones often work as enablers, if not as full-blown flying monkeys. It's like with my former NPD friend. I spent countless hours trying to make sense of their nature and it obviously didn't help much. Everybody around them was like "well what can ya do, that's him for you". And I guess that's it. These people are running about, causing havoc and the best you can do is steer clear of them.

Obviously I simplified things above. It's never as clear-cut as the disordered person being the villain and other people being victims. Everyone has traits from the disorder symptom pools, I can clearly see histrionic traits in myself for example. You can be an asshole without a set of symptoms and a rather reasonable person with symptoms.

Sometimes the disordered person may actually be the true victim. That is also something to keep in mind. Each case is vastly different. This is why I say those with disorders are still people and individuals. Sometimes the partner who isn't disordered may be the monster. Additionally, while many with disorders may present similarly each individual has their disorder manifest and present differently. Hence why properly diagnosing is very hard to do. As much as we try to make it simple and clear cut it never will be. There is no black and white here...just many shades of grey.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-