Why does my mom do this?

[jalemean23]

My mother called me the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I need to tell you something. When two people are in a relationship, open communication and honesty are key. So I’m going to tell you this because I don’t want it hanging in the air before the holidays. You have made me feel very unloved for the last few weeks. I need you to say you love me. Please, come on. I’m desperate. Just say I love you mama.”
I said, “I’ve been having a rough time these last few weeks. That might be what you were picking up on.”

She said, “no that’s not it. just say you love me.”

I said, “mother… you can’t beg for love. It doesn’t have the same meaning.”
She said, “I told you to call me mama. Just say mama I love you. Why can’t you do it?”


I did it. And I felt disturbed the whole time. Then she thanked me, fake cried, and said “I’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.”

What is this behavior? Please help me understand.

[arjay]

My mother called me the day before Thanksgiving and said, “I need to tell you something. When two people are in a relationship, open communication and honesty are key. So I’m going to tell you this because I don’t want it hanging in the air before the holidays. You have made me feel very unloved for the last few weeks. I need you to say you love me. Please, come on. I’m desperate. Just say I love you mama.”

Greetings.

Without understanding more, it hard to draw much of a conclusion (i.e. is this part of a long pattern or a one-off and a horrible attempt at resolution?)  I will say that what is interesting is the comment "open communication and honesty are key", yet there was no concern for the rough time you had been having.  Rather than being "curious" and concerned about what was possibly going on in your life (she seemed to know and hence the call), she made it all about "herself".  In other words what she was really saying was "I don't care about what was bothering you these last few weeks, but I can sense your withdrawl from "me" and I insist you call me "mama" and tell me "you love me".   She genuinely didn't care whether your words were sincere.  She simply needed to hear them, I guess to sooth herself.  

If this is a patterned behavior, I don't blame you for feeling disturbed.  Even if this dialogue was a "one-off", I would find it quite strange that anybody would do that.  It seems some stronger boundaries are maybe in order with your Mother, especially if this event is not out of the ordinary.  Anybody insisting others shower them with inauthentic words of love as part of a patterned behavior, doesn't know how to engage in a relationship. It's very distorted and all one-sided.

All the Best

[Turkish]

The Waif needs to be rescued.

BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

The dominant emotional need of The Waif is helplessness. For the Hermit (life is scary) fear which may also apply.

She's asking you to rescue her emotionally.

[wormslearntofly]

God, my mum does the same thing. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. One time we were watching a film together and she started cuddling me and asking me if we were friends, it was so bizarre. If one of my friends did this I would be very freaked out, let alone my mother!

Ultimately it's because she is extremely insecure and needs constant validation. Part of me thinks "It's a few words, she is very unwell and it will make her feel better, I should just play along". The thing it's not actually going to make her feel better, is it? It might temporarily sooth her but it won't stop the ideas of abandonment getting into her head.

I would like for my mum to find a way to know she is loved without having to beg for validation. I don't really know how to get there. CBT and DBT would help I think.

[Couscous]

She does it because you give in to her.

I will preface this by saying that all of us with BPD mothers have been guilty of doing this, but by giving in to your mother you are in effect, enabling the progression of her mental illness and increasing her emotional dependency on you. Yes, you saved your Thanksgiving, but you will pay for this in the long run. Your mother must find other sources of emotional support and currently has zero incentive to do so because she has no need to, thanks to you. Part of you might be worried that she will abandon you if she finds alternative supplies of attention or affection, but even if she does, it would actually be in your best interests if it came to that. Her dependence on you is unhealthy for both of you, so it is the most loving thing you can do for the two of you.  

Here is the workshop on enabling versus supporting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0;all

[Couscous]

If one of my friends did this I would be very freaked out, let alone my mother!

What do you think you would do about it if one of your friends were to do something like this?

[wormslearntofly]

What do you think you would do about it if one of your friends were to do something like this?

It’s hard to say but I imagine I’d react the same way as I did with my mum - awkward and defensive! I think I asked her why she was asking that, then said it was  awkward to ask such questions. Maybe not the best way to react but I was on the spot and felt extremely uncomfortable.

If my friend asked me that I’d start wondering why they felt the need to ask that, maybe they don’t think we’re friends?

[Riv3rW0lf]

For me, I find it's not so much the questions that put me on defensive mode, it's the physical proximity.

If she just asks an awkward question, I can answer, I see how she needs the validation and it can be ok, I don't necessarily mind...

Whenever my mother wants to hug me however, or gets in proximity to cuddle (which thankfully doesn't happen often but did happen once or twice), I got incredibly tense and defensive, and entered flight or fight mode. It feels awkward and false, especially coming from her.

[Methuen]

She does this because it is working for her.  It is a form of control.

She tells you to say you love her.  You do it.  She feels better.  Why would she stop this behavior?

Let's look at the problem briefly.  What is the meaning of "love" for you?

Is it conditional?
Is it delivered on order?  Like a pizza?
Or is it something else?  What is it?  Write down all the points you can think of that help you to describe love...

Is love freely given?  Without condition?  

She has trained you from childhood.  But now, it is hard to untrain oneself as an adult.  If she tells you to jump, you jump.  It feels wrong to go against what our parents have taught us.  But your mom telling you to say that, was just wrong.  It also felt wrong for you to say it when you didn't feel it.  It wasn't authentic or freely given.

In that moment when she is challenging you, and using this control technique to get you to say what she wants to hear, one way to respond is with humour.

"Hey mom, I'm having a bad day today and can't tell anyone I love them.  Gotta go!  See ya later alligator!"
Hey mom, this love bird's not feeling the love today.  Gotta fly!"  
"Love isn't a pizza delivery service mom.  I gotta go - see ya later!"

Then get out of there before she has a chance to get her engines revved up to nuclear.  You'll only have a few seconds while she is in shock from your reply.

Then practice distress tolerance, and LET HER have as much time as she needs to self-soothe. Don't communicate with her until you have reason to believe she is feeling better.

Another way would be to respond rationally, and point out that love has to be given freely, and isn't really love if those words are spoken because of a command.  

But that would probably escalate it into a big argument.  In my experience, rational responses that JADE in any way escalate.  The outcome would likely be an all-out blow-out.

I would stick with humour.  The effect of surprise (she won't be expecting it) is powerful, and the humour generally has a de-escalating effect as long as it's not insulting or condescending, so it's important to keep it just silly and fun.

What is this behavior? Please help me understand.

This behavior is the child in her.  She "grew up" physically to be an adult.  She probably "grew up" intellectually. But her emotional development got stuck in childhood (proabably from some trauma).  It becomes problematic when a child grows up, take on adult jobs and responsibilities and relationships and daily decisions, but their emotional development is still stuck back at the age of a 9 year old or a 14 year old.  

Something made your mom feel bad.  It could have had nothing to do with you.  It could have been a look or a smell or something the cashier at the grocery store said.  Or maybe there was some relationship struggle between the two of you.  Regardless, there was a trigger.  Then she comes to you to make her feel better by demanding you tell her you love her.  It was utterly childish behavior.

Instead, give her time to sort her own emotions.  She is an adult.  She needs to be granted the opportunity to solve her own problems.  It is not your job to parent her every time she feels bad.  Let her self-soothe.  It's the best thing you can do for her.  Besides, it sounds like she could use more practice soothing herself.

My mother once put on her 6 year old child voice in full "waif" mode and said to me "will you be my mommy"?  She was about 84.  No way I was taking that bait.  I responded with humour, and that was that.