contingency plan

[tina7868]

Hi everyone! It's been a beat since I last posted here. Life has been busy, in a good way. It has been around 6 months since my ex (diagnosed with BPD) pulled away. I went through a lot of difficult emotions, but looking back I wouldn't change anything because the growth I have gone through has made me a better person. I don't think I could have learned so much if there hadn't been distance and an end to the cycles that characterized our relationship for the past few years. I was in therapy for a while, but have since put that on pause (mostly because of insurance reasons, sadly). The last time we corresponded, he said his current girlfriend wasn't comfortable with us talking. I answered that I respect his decision and boundaries, and that I hope he knows he can message me, as a friend.

I was encouraged by my therapist to come up with a "contingency plan" should my ex reach out to me again, which is a realistic possibility. I see the benefit of this; I can decide how I want to behave beforehand, so as not to be caught "off guard". In the past, certainly, I didn't have a plan and interactions with him destabilized me. However, I am having a mental block when it comes to this. I don't know what questions to ask myself.  

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[EZEarache]

I'd start with:

If I ran into him in the grocery store, do I smile, say hello, or just walk past and give him the cold shoulder?

If he texts me out of the blue, do I respond or just pretend like my phone number has changed and he never reached me?

Should I block his calls entirely, to prevent a relapse and being recycled?

If I choose to engage with him, do I ask him why he's reaching out to me after a long period of silence?

[tina7868]

I'd start with:

If I ran into him in the grocery store, do I smile, say hello, or just walk past and give him the cold shoulder?

If he texts me out of the blue, do I respond or just pretend like my phone number has changed and he never reached me?

Should I block his calls entirely, to prevent a relapse and being recycled?

If I choose to engage with him, do I ask him why he's reaching out to me after a long period of silence?

Thank you for the straightfoward questions!

1) If I ran into him out of the blue, it would mean he was visiting my city. My initial reaction is to say I'm disappointed he didn't reach out to tell me he was there. Upon reflection, however, it really is none of my business and I'm sure he'd have his reasons (that have nothing to do with me). So, I'd smile and say hello, say it was nice running into him, and say something along the lines of "well I'd better be on my way!" so as not to drag the conversation. Cool, calm, confident.

2) I would probably respond to a text from him. I would take my time to do so, making sure I was responding in alignment with the person I want to be. It's tricky to imagine this because it depends a lot on what he is saying. Is it an inconsequential, short text that feels like he is just "checking in" to see if I'm hung up on him? In this case, I would consider not responding.

3) A few months ago, I'd have answered an immediate no to this question. Now, I can say I have considered it. In the sense that, I have worked so hard to be where I am today, why even risk throwing that away? I am not entirely there presently (which is okay), but I understand that, maybe at some point, future me will decide that is the best course of action. For now, it is my decision not to block him.

4) This is a good one! In the past, I didn't! What would happen is either 1) he'd reach out and immediately tell me I was the best person in the world, or 2) completely pretend nothing happened, leading me to question whether my experience was an overreaction, or 3) (more recently) reach out with a random minimal text about something, with long delays between responses.

[tina7868]

Hello! I've had time to flesh out my views on this topic, and wanted to share. Any input is welcome! I tried seperating the whole into subpoints to make it easier to address.

- Relevance of thinking about how I would want to act when or if my ex reached out to me : having an idea of my desires in a time when I am calm will stack the odds in my favour of not reacting impulsively. I have a clear example of this when I had asked my ex if he wanted to talk over the phone and he said no; I had already thought to myself, I want to be mature, empathetic. As a result, I felt proud of myself.

- Hesitation : I recognize that not wanting to think about this is a sort of defence mechanism. I was used to going with the waves in the past, but now I want to take a more active role. I created a lot of pressure on myself, imagining some sort of step-by-step guide as to what I would do, and then feeling overwhelmed because there are too many scenarios to consider. Which is absolutely true - I cannot account for every single way he could show up, that would be impossible, and wanting that amount of control is unrealistic. However, I can still establish a baseline for how I behave (which is what I do have control over) : calm, confident, strong.

- Questions I was asking myself : Another part of why I was so overwhelmed with considering how I would respond is that I was asking myself questions along the lines of : how can I respond in a way that would make him like me? how can I respond in a way that would assure he stays ? These questions were again coming from a desire to control. That's not the approach I want anymore. What I want to be asking myself is more along the lines of : What is my intention behind how I am responding ? Am I acting in accordance to my values ? Am I grounding myself in recognition of the value I have as a person? And from there, it feels like I could say anything, as long as I hold true to my beliefs.

- Response : All to say as of right now I do want to respond; I want him to be part of my life. Now, with a healthy dose of perspective, I ask myself why would it be so great to hear from him? What does it really change for me? I am thinking differently, holding myself in the highest regard (and not anyone else, especially not someone who hasn't been present). So him showing up in a way that is not consistent and respectful is a contradiction to how I see myself. So, the value of his input goes down in my eyes, instead of me putting myself down and thinking it has something to do with me.

[cranmango]

- Questions I was asking myself : Another part of why I was so overwhelmed with considering how I would respond is that I was asking myself questions along the lines of : how can I respond in a way that would make him like me? how can I respond in a way that would assure he stays ? These questions were again coming from a desire to control. That's not the approach I want anymore. What I want to be asking myself is more along the lines of : What is my intention behind how I am responding ? Am I acting in accordance to my values ? Am I grounding myself in recognition of the value I have as a person? And from there, it feels like I could say anything, as long as I hold true to my beliefs.

Hi there tina7868. There's so much good in your post. This part in particular really resonates with me. I appreciate that you are noticing the difference between acting in a way that is consistent with your values as a person, versus acting in a way that gets a specific outcome you want with your ex. As long as you stay consistent with your values, you can hold your head high. You can't control what he (or anyone else) does. You can only control your own behavior. Acting in a way that is consistent with your values will help you be your genuine, authentic self in your interactions, whether it be with your ex, friends, family, or future partners. And that will help build healthier relationships in the long run.

For what it's worth, I am struggling with this, too. I have the strong urge to act in specific ways to try and elicit the specific reactions that I want from people, even when it's not good for me or goes against my values. And I really struggle with this tendency when interacting with my ex. But every little time that I stay genuine, I feel a little bit stronger. It isn't a quick fix, but I feel like I am slowly aligning my behavior with my values again.

Looking forward to hearing more are you continue to reflect on this and build your contingency plan.

[tina7868]

Thank you for your reply!

It's a process of taking what you learned from the situation, and growing from it, with the goal of enriching your life instead of awaiting a specific outcome. All while acknowledging that it's okay to have certain desires (the last thing you want to do it fight against yourself).

It's normal that shifting one's perspective in this way, from a way of thinking centered around others to a way of thinking centered around youself, takes time. I think that's where grace and patience for oneself comes in. It's a practice; every day when you wake up you choose to embrace this new way of being. And then, lo and behold, a situation arises and you find yourself behaving differently. You've grown, and it was your own effort that got you there. If you find yourself going back to old habits, you're able to recognize them. Oscillating in between doesn't mean anything about your value (I sometimes feel very frustrated when I feel a way I don't want to feel).

I am writing this as a reminder to myself!

Looking forward to hearing more are you continue to reflect on this and build your contingency plan.

I think posting here has helped me so much. The sharing aspect (going beyond journaling) with people who understand what I feel is so appreciated.

[tina7868]

I received a phone call from the area code of where my ex moved to a couple of days ago. I was busy and distracted enough not to think too much about it for the most part. At the time, I thought to myself I'd rather not know who it was from, and if it was important they would have left a message. Then I asked myself, what am I afraid of? I got so curious that I called the number back. Someone picked up and hung up when I said "hello?".

Now I'm even more curious  . It's so frustrating not knowing!

I guess I can roll up my sleeves and see this as an opportunity to work on letting go! Calm and confident, seeing the situation for what it is (a bit strange but meaningless).

[cranmango]

Strange but meaningless indeed! And isn’t it something that when these odd events do crop up, we immediately think of our exes?

A small present for my daughter appeared on my doorstep last night. No note. 99% sure it was one of my neighbors, since I am in an apartment building and no one else has access to our building. Except I’ve never really talked to my neighbors, so a present would be somewhat unexpected.

And of course, there’s a small part of me that wonders if it was my ex. She’s the only other one that knows the door code to get in. And she ignored my daughters birthday a couple months ago.

Strange but meaningless. And I hope to eventually get to a point where I don’t attribute every odd little event to my ex!

[tina7868]

It’s all about choosing to let go of these things while accepting that you are thinking about them. I hope a day will come where your ex isn’t the first person to pop into your mind,  and already being aware of the way your brain works is a step forward.

I received a few texts from my ex (coincidence after the call?). The tone was rather friendly. I am reminding myself of my value and not to extrapolate beyond the behaviour he is showing me; he is someone who comes in and out of my life, and doesn’t respect me enough to answer in a timely manner. That relegates him (well it should) to a low standing on the list of things I give importance to.

It seems like he controls very strictly when he receives my messages. I have so many questions, again, but I now know I don’t need the answers to come from him.

[cranmango]

It’s all about choosing to let go of these things while accepting that you are thinking about them. I hope a day will come where your ex isn’t the first person to pop into your mind,  and already being aware of the way your brain works is a step forward.

Yes to this!

Now that you did receive some text messages, how did your contingency plan hold up? It seems like you are feeling pretty clear-headed about it.

[tina7868]

Now that you did receive some text messages, how did your contingency plan hold up? It seems like you are feeling pretty clear-headed about it.

It held up pretty well!

I now realize I can choose, right now, to be happy regardless of whether I hear from him or not. Many elements of how he reached out do not sit well with me. But not in a sense of I am angry and I need to express this towards him. More in a sense that, I know I am someone of worth and value, who he would be lucky to have in his life, and this behaviour is contradictory to how I see myself, so it doesn't even matter. I do not need him to value me for me to value myself.

[SinisterComplex]

It held up pretty well!

I now realize I can choose, right now, to be happy regardless of whether I hear from him or not. Many elements of how he reached out do not sit well with me. But not in a sense of I am angry and I need to express this towards him. More in a sense that, I know I am someone of worth and value, who he would be lucky to have in his life, and this behaviour is contradictory to how I see myself, so it doesn't even matter. I do not need him to value me for me to value myself.

There we go. This is what I like to see. Tina, that is what we call outcome independence. Keep following this road and you will be better off and much happier in life because of it. You only NEED YOU. Never let the constructs of the world distort that. It is also important to keep perspective between what is an actual need and a want.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

There we go. This is what I like to see. Tina, that is what we call outcome independence. Keep following this road and you will be better off and much happier in life because of it. You only NEED YOU. Never let the constructs of the world distort that. It is also important to keep perspective between what is an actual need and a want.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks SC! I had actually noted in my journal the concept of outcome independence (I believe from one of your posts) a couple of months ago. It is something I strive for. It didn't come about in the way I imagined, which was that time would pass, or I would get "stronger", and I'd be able to let nature take its course while focusing on myself.

What it looks like for me is a lot of pausing to let myself feel what I feel, then asking myself why I feel that way, then reminding myself it's okay to feel that way but I'd like to be different. Making a decision and trusting myself, noticing the overanalyzing beginning and then thinking "I don't need to do this right now", then shifting my focus towards something that makes me feel full. It's addressing my basic needs, like making sure I get good sleep, eat well, move. It's a lot of gentle reminding.

I had the thought that the way I get the most out of this situation isn't my ex coming back to me, giving me attention, wanting to be part of my life (which is how I used to think). The way I get the most out of this situation is consciously choosing, again and again, one step at a time, to prioritize how I feel, remember my value, choose not to take things personally, not react, be kind (towards myself as well). Maybe nature taking its course isn't bringing me and my ex back together, but teaching me lessons along the way and putting me in similar situations with my ex, with his inconsistent ways, so I can see how I have changed, how I see the situation differently, how my perspective has shifted. When I think this way it feels like my potential is beyond the box I had constructed for myself and sat in for so long.

[tina7868]

Happy holidays  

I am trying to understand my emotions. I'll explain what happened.

My ex and I continued texting back and forth. Pleasant small talk, less delay in responses on his end. What I noticed within me was a lingering anxiety about the conversation "ending". I recognized that this was a fear of mine that in the past pushed me to try to prolong the conversation, to push more, to overanalyze what I said, to force topics about how I was feeling; I realize now that's because the feeling of safety is absent.

I kept myself in check this time, mostly. I did say it would be nice to visit him, to which he replied that he was not comfortable with the idea of meeting me. I remained calm, respectful and understanding in my response. Logically, I get that everyone had their own process and it's not unreasonable to have this boundary with an ex partner. I think part of the unpleasant dynamic in the past was mutual reactivity. However, I felt a lot of anxiety after this exchange. I felt confused because, here we are texting seemingly in a friendly way, but talking over the phone or seeing each other in person was not on the table. It felt like this was going nowhere. I decided clearly my feelings were telling me I should withdraw and focus on myself. Later that same day, my ex asked if we could video chat. That conversation went (from my point of view) well...again, I am confused, less anxious, but more overthinking.

I feel like I made  progress in showing up differently, but still felt very anxious, due to the confusion and fear. A part of me feels like my progress counts less because I wasn't peaceful. I felt validated when a friend said, simply, that the situation was confusing (I also got in my head about whether I was overreacting). Having that support made a lot of difference, it "broke" the anxiety.

I know I've read too much into situations before (like sporadic texting!). This post is not so much about what should I do from here (I think focusing on myself is a safe bet), but trying to understand what might be going on so I can see things clearly.

[SaltyDawg]

Happy holidays  
I kept myself in check this time, mostly. I did say it would be nice to visit him, to which he replied that he was not comfortable with the idea of meeting me. I remained calm, respectful and understanding in my response. Logically, I get that everyone had their own process and it's not unreasonable to have this boundary with an ex partner. I think part of the unpleasant dynamic in the past was mutual reactivity. However, I felt a lot of anxiety after this exchange. I felt confused because, here we are texting seemingly in a friendly way, but talking over the phone or seeing each other in person was not on the table. It felt like this was going nowhere. I decided clearly my feelings were telling me I should withdraw and focus on myself. Later that same day, my ex asked if we could video chat. That conversation went (from my point of view) well...again, I am confused, less anxious, but more overthinking.

This post is not so much about what should I do from here (I think focusing on myself is a safe bet), but trying to understand what might be going on so I can see things clearly.

You apparently are the one that is initiating the want to visit...  this is the opposite of what you indicated earlier, I am confused...  It sounds like that you are the one who is initating the reconnection...

... apparently he was limiting your communication to texts, as talking over the phone or see each other in person is not on the table...

Then he asks for a video call, which is more than talking on the phone, and you are seeing him in person, albeit, not face to face.

You don't mention if you did the video call.  I am assuming that you didn't.  Did you get cold feet?  Again, I am confused...

You are definitely emotionally conflicted and confused.  If you have a therapist, please talk to them, and ask for their advice in your particular circumstances since he is the one being cautious in reconnecting with you, there might be more going on than what you have communicated to us, either subconsciously or consciously.

I would also suggest using the DBT skill of "wise mind".  It is obvious to me that your logical mind and your emotional mind are in conflict which is bringing on your confusion in understanding your emotions.

If your therapist is not available, as it is the holidays -- perhaps you can ask a confidant, or your best friend.

[CodaDad]

If your partner was the one with bpd, and your relationship had ended, and he has a new partner—but you’re worried about what to do if he reaches out to you, then i suggest the first step in your plan be to work on your own codependency and/or insecure attachment issues. Sounds harsh I know, but I’m sharing from experience about my similar issues.. You dont need an ex with bpd (or any ex for that matter) to be your friend; there are plenty of other people in the world for you and them to befriend. And you don’t owe an ex anything unless you have children together—in which case, as was mine, you keep your contact/interaction to the minimum necessary to take care of the kids. And as painful as the void you were left with from the breakup might be, you should focus on filing  void with self care or you are prone to falling back into a relationship with him again, or another bpd or someone equally emotionally unavailable. Good luck and i would suggest this simple contingency plan: turn the page on this person completely, take the lessons learned from that relationship, and start a new chapter for yourself, specifically excluding them or any other person of romantic interest. But of you need a more concrete plan, find a codependents anonymous meeting online asap whenever you feel tempted to concern yourself with this person. Good luck and may the force be with you!