Holiday Noodles

[Parents! Get help here!]

                    It was the noodles that brought her to the door, she ( my adult daughter) thought she was just was going
to pick them up at the door ( but ha ha she had to come in to get them) this all occurred at my son's who was hosting holiday dinner for some of us. I was to bring my noodles, my daughter's favorite . He texted her that she was invited to come for  turkey dinner, but she did not reply back, however he mentioned I was bringing noodles and had put aside a container with her name on it. At the end of the dinner I lingered waiting, I just knew she was going to pick them up ( also I had a dream the night before that she came in and hugged us) wishful thinking my husband said. The driveway was dark and she did not notice our car there. In she came, saw us there, her dad held out his arms and said, how about a hug, she hugged him, then I asked for one, and got the hug.  She asked me , you made me noodles is that true? Of course I replied, your favorite. No more conversation, however I felt it was a baby step,  the last few weeks I have received a pic or two of something that interests her on the internet, I give a very brief reply to whatever it is of oh how nice etc, learned to do that . I did bring to her door a couple of holiday gifts recently, when I rang the bell late afternoon she had a scowl on face as she was in a mood. She allowed me inside to pet her dog, did not say thank you for gifts < am used to that. But the fact that she opened the door ,, another step forward I feel. She said what do you think of my tree, I said very nice, she then said I had a look when I said that , now this is a land mine I have learned to side step, I immediately change the topic to something else, and you know so far this works, changing the subject very quickly.  I will see what the next couple of weeks bring, coming to my house may be a mistake, but I am going to be positive, ask for another dream beforehand.  I want to bring up the fact that when anyone googles borderline, the list of childhood traumas , abuse etc come up,,, This simply has got to CHANGE, it is so not true ( maybe in rare cases) but for the majority of us ,, never did that happen. We do admit for being helicopter parents to her, but at the time that was the only way we knew how to handle it all.  Love to you all,,, Weezer

[weezer]

                    It was the noodles that brought her to the door, she ( my adult daughter) thought she was just was going
to pick them up at the door ( but ha ha she had to come in to get them) this all occurred at my son's who was hosting holiday dinner for some of us. I was to bring my noodles, my daughter's favorite . He texted her that she was invited to come for  turkey dinner, but she did not reply back, however he mentioned I was bringing noodles and had put aside a container with her name on it. At the end of the dinner I lingered waiting, I just knew she was going to pick them up ( also I had a dream the night before that she came in and hugged us) wishful thinking my husband said. The driveway was dark and she did not notice our car there. In she came, saw us there, her dad held out his arms and said, how about a hug, she hugged him, then I asked for one, and got the hug.  She asked me , you made me noodles is that true? Of course I replied, your favorite. No more conversation, however I felt it was a baby step,  the last few weeks I have received a pic or two of something that interests her on the internet, I give a very brief reply to whatever it is of oh how nice etc, learned to do that . I did bring to her door a couple of holiday gifts recently, when I rang the bell late afternoon she had a scowl on face as she was in a mood. She allowed me inside to pet her dog, did not say thank you for gifts < am used to that. But the fact that she opened the door ,, another step forward I feel. She said what do you think of my tree, I said very nice, she then said I had a look when I said that , now this is a land mine I have learned to side step, I immediately change the topic to something else, and you know so far this works, changing the subject very quickly.  I will see what the next couple of weeks bring, coming to my house may be a mistake, but I am going to be positive, ask for another dream beforehand.  I want to bring up the fact that when anyone googles borderline, the list of childhood traumas , abuse etc come up,,, This simply has got to CHANGE, it is so not true ( maybe in rare cases) but for the majority of us ,, never did that happen. We do admit for being helicopter parents to her, but at the time that was the only way we knew how to handle it all.  Love to you all,,, Weezer

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aralia]

Weezer your post made me cry. I can see it all play out exactly as you wrote. How did this happen to us? This bpd has robbed us of our children.

[kells76]

Weezer, your post made me think about discussions of "success" here, and I think it's a good thing to recognize these little "steps forward" in the relationship -- what a gift! The hugs, the way she was able to receive your gift of noodles, and the way you were able to model moving forward and not focusing on "a look" or "an expression"... so glad that all of you were able to have that time of low conflict, giving gifts, and talking about normal holiday things. It's part of building a foundation for the relationship to continue to grow.

As regards your second point, it's challenging that BPD seems to have both genetic and an environmental components, as far as I've heard, and I suspect that in each pwBPD, the ratio can vary -- perhaps for some pwBPD it's 99.9% genetic and 0.1% from outside causes, while for others with BPD, it could be 0.1% genetic but 99.9% from experiences. I agree with you that blanket statements about "This is the sole cause of BPD" aren't helpful for healing, centering, and finding better ways for families to be together. It makes sense that you would recognize that you did the best you could with what you knew back then, and you're ALSO doing the best you can now, now that you know more.

Wishing you more times of togetherness and peace,

kells76

[kells76]

And weezer, not sure if you've seen this yet, but Sancho shared these thoughts in another thread:

Hi Bbyro
If you are a person who takes what others say  to heart - as I used to be! - it is very difficult to be able to let the words of a bpd loved one go past you. But it is possible with lots of practice!

Also, when people post here, they are usually focused on their child with BPD. Sometimes though you will read a comment such as 'I have 3 other children and they are all well adjusted and coping well in their lives'.

When you think about these statements you can see that all four children have been parented by the same person, in the same way and in the same environment. Only one has developed BPD.

So the factors that come together in BPD are separate to parenting style or environmental factors.

When my dd first struggled and I was looking up information about BPD I came across a text called 'Biological unhappiness' by a doctor Leyland Heller. He is a GP who came across many patients with BPD and he is convinced the cause of the illness is in biological factors.

I think the emphasis here at BPD family is that while we do all we can for our bpd children (and getting help from mental health professionals is what anyone should do if they can) - we can only take responsibility for how we respond to the challenges bpd presents.

We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.

Important food for thought about your second point.

Hope that's helpful;

kells76