Feeling Completley Drained, Stuck in life not progressing

[MissedNuance]

Hi everybody, I’ve never posted on a forum or anything like this before but I am truly coming to a point where I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid I am going to make a wrong decision and regret the way that I handled things…

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, we moved in together very quickly within 3 months... I love her very very much and have been with her through her misdiagnoses, multiple different medications, on and off of BC and different antidepressants/antipsychotics. She is new to knowing that she has some kind of personality disorder and lack of emotional control. I do everything I can to help her when she is in these states but I feel like I’m completley losing myself in the process and things seem to always come back.

I have constant anxiety when she calls my phone that she’s going to be angry, frustrations that happen to people on the daily will set her off and lead to multiple hours of stress anxiety and overall cause my mental to be broken. I have done a lot of reading and research because I didn’t understand exactly what BPD was before and I am learning the ropes as well, but I recognized that I was taking on a role of caretaker and it has completely stripped me of my individuality. I don’t want to lose that because it feels like I am not making any progress in what I want from my life, but the guilt that I feel when I don’t help or in most cases can’t help her resolve the feelings I just end up getting hurt and feeling depressed. I’ve found myself wanting to drink when I get home, and I have never in my life been a person who consumes alcohol when stressed… marijuana on a regular basis, but the alcohol is an alarming switch in my personality.

How do I explain this to her, I have explained how her mood directly affects my mental state and I’m aware that it is unhealthy, and she doesn’t disregard that, but I feel as though I’m not important enough for her to respect the position I’m in in that I want/need to help her.

I do not want to leave the relationship AT ALL, but I can’t ignore this feeling of useless stagnation coupled with the constant anxiety about her mental state and whether or not it’s going to negatively affect me, making it harder to help both her and myself.

She is not in therapy, or employed, , we have some financial struggles at the moment that are causing extra stress and the holidays aren’t necessary stress relieving for us. I just need some direction on how to communicate in a way that will cause change in how my mental state is connected to her emotional state…

Thank you for anyone with advice

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the 'family'. 

It looks like you have started your journey into the never ending rabbit hole of the borderline -- it is a major challenge not to get lost in it and will require a tremendous amount of effort to make things work. 

Since you are financially challenged at the moment, try and find the following books at your local library [or buy them used off ebay/amazon] as the first book 'stop caretaking' will address the concerns that you have brought up.  The 'eggshells', 3rd edition, book will help you identify the type of borderline with the assessments contained within to confirm.  There are a lot of other books too, but those two will get you started on the path that you have expressed to follow and between the two of them you will have a majority of the tools used to manage the person in your life with BPD.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd. Edition]

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

[MissedNuance]

Thank you for that, I will certainly look into those books

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi MissedNuance, 

Welcome! Glad you are here.

I certainly can understand where you're coming from in feeling as if you're losing yourself. You didn't mention if you are in any kind of T, and I wonder if that wouldn't be helpful to you? It has been a lifesaver to many of us here.

Another important aspect to help you to hang in the relationship is to find healthy ways to have your emotional needs met. When we get our needs met, then it's easier to work on meeting some of the needs of others. You can't pour out from an empty cup. Can you share examples of how that would look for you, finding healthy ways to get your emotional needs met?

Hang in there.
Wools

[Hamster411]

Hi everybody, I’ve never posted on a forum or anything like this before but I am truly coming to a point where I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid I am going to make a wrong decision and regret the way that I handled things…

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, we moved in together very quickly within 3 months... I love her very very much and have been with her through her misdiagnoses, multiple different medications, on and off of BC and different antidepressants/antipsychotics. She is new to knowing that she has some kind of personality disorder and lack of emotional control. I do everything I can to help her when she is in these states but I feel like I’m completley losing myself in the process and things seem to always come back.

I have constant anxiety when she calls my phone that she’s going to be angry, frustrations that happen to people on the daily will set her off and lead to multiple hours of stress anxiety and overall cause my mental to be broken. I have done a lot of reading and research because I didn’t understand exactly what BPD was before and I am learning the ropes as well, but I recognized that I was taking on a role of caretaker and it has completely stripped me of my individuality. I don’t want to lose that because it feels like I am not making any progress in what I want from my life, but the guilt that I feel when I don’t help or in most cases can’t help her resolve the feelings I just end up getting hurt and feeling depressed. I’ve found myself wanting to drink when I get home, and I have never in my life been a person who consumes alcohol when stressed… marijuana on a regular basis, but the alcohol is an alarming switch in my personality.

How do I explain this to her, I have explained how her mood directly affects my mental state and I’m aware that it is unhealthy, and she doesn’t disregard that, but I feel as though I’m not important enough for her to respect the position I’m in in that I want/need to help her.

I do not want to leave the relationship AT ALL, but I can’t ignore this feeling of useless stagnation coupled with the constant anxiety about her mental state and whether or not it’s going to negatively affect me, making it harder to help both her and myself.

She is not in therapy, or employed, , we have some financial struggles at the moment that are causing extra stress and the holidays aren’t necessary stress relieving for us. I just need some direction on how to communicate in a way that will cause change in how my mental state is connected to her emotional state…

Thank you for anyone with advice

Hi MissedNuance,

I completely relate to what you are going through, I was with my pwBPD for over 2 years and experienced everything you mentioned. I became the caretaker and rode out all the highs and lows until I was completely exhausted. She was aware and in therapy but the spirals continued. Basically, I believe that the relationship can work if she is taking her treatment serious, practicing skills in everyday life and WANTS to get better and have a better life. These things were not happening in my relationship so unfortunately it ended. I wish you the best and please continue to use this forum, it's a great resource.

[SaltyDawg]

Missed nuance ,

I agree with hamster. Fortunately, in the last month, my wife has become partially self-aware, and wants to correct herself and her anger management issues. Otherwise known as borderline rages.  Even though her that individual therapist is treating her for her anger management issues, she refuses to nudge ordinary aspect, even though 8 out of the 9 symptoms are presen for borderline.