Hi ashcash95, so glad you reached out for some support -- Christmas sounded really stressful for you, so I'm glad you're here, with people who definitely understand what you're going through.
A theme that stood out to me in your post was "lose-lose situation". Your BF does seem to have some pretty distorted lenses on for how he views relationships -- lots of "you can either choose me or them" scenarios, and "heads I win, tails you lose" setups, where if you try hard, it's not enough, and somehow it's also hurtful if you don't try.
ashcash95, you strike me as a caring, supportive person. You really want to help, and be loving. Maybe it hurts if others, like your BF, perceive and label you as "not doing enough", "not caring enough", or "not supporting enough"?
A huge part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is knowing that a core part of the disorder is having distorted perceptions of relationships, emotions, and intentions. The distorted thinking is something that only the person wBPD can work on in therapy; nobody else can ever "do" anything "good enough", "right enough", "
enough enough" to change the pwBPD.
So that leaves us in an uncomfortable place. The pwBPD in our lives may say incredibly emotionally convincing things to us, and if we lose sight of the fact that it's a person coping with a deeply perception-distorting disorder, we can end up beliving what our loved ones say... even if it isn't true.
One way to manage relating to a pwBPD is through the idea of
radical acceptance. It doesn't mean accepting that, for example, how your BF treats you is good or okay. It means accepting -- this is who he is right now. He is a person who struggles with BPD and therefore blames and puts responsibility for his feelings on others. That is who he is right now, even if he should be getting help, should be working on himself, and should recognize what you do for him.
A corrollary that comes to mind as we talk about RA is having a strong sense of self. It's so easy to believe what a pwBPD tells us -- they can be very convincing, and we might be predisposed to doubt ourselves. However, even though it's true that they are saying those things right now, that doesn't make the content of what they say true.
Imagine someone calling you a space robot from Mars. That's pretty easy to dismiss out of hand, because you know yourself, and what others call you doesn't define you.
However, it gets harder when a loved one says "You're just selfish, all you care about is you, and I'm dying over here. You don't care about me at all; if you did, you'd stay home at Christmas". That has emotional weight. In a way, though, it's the same situation as "space robot from Mars" -- you can have the strength and self-knowledge to tell yourself, "No matter what anyone else thinks, I know me, and I know I care, and that's good enough for me".
This is difficult stuff to put together -- the RA and the not letting other's statements define us.
So I'll hit the brakes for now and give you a chance to check out that link (and any others in our
Tools and skills workshops section that look helpful). Let us know your thoughts and how you guys have been doing lately;
kells76
