Afraid of becoming like BPD parent?

[Tortuga50550]

I had a discussion the other day with my mom. I had broke something accidentaly that she had buy, and she was pretty mad about it. It was no big deal, it didn't last long and we made peace. But after sometime I realized that I had made some gestures that were similar to what my father does (at least in my eyes).

At the moment when she was mad at me, I felt...attacked somehow. Like I when I'm having a flashback. She said something about next time unwrapping it next time herself, and I got stuck in that little phrase. And I nearly started saying that "why unwrapping it you instead of my, like I'm a piece of PLEASE READ." I didn't end my phrase because she added that, since she knew how the object was wrapped, she would have had less difficulty unwrappe and would have know how to without letting it slip.

The thing is that my father has often said phrases like that when someone's mad at him, or when he's having a fight with someone. "You think/you make me feel like I'm like a pice of PLEASE READ". I know it must seem unimportant, but to me it feels like I'm loosing an invisible battle.

Since I'm an adult, one of the things that I'm always afraid of it's becoming like my fahter or acting like him. It's the main reason I don't like to express my anger, why most of the time I try to be content with what I have, or even why I try to find solutions instead of sulking when something goes off. And phrases like "you're similar to/you ressemble to/you have this thing in commong with" followed with the word father always send me in a sort of freeze panic. I know being an ass from time to time doesn't equal to having BPD. It's the rational thing to know. But one thing is knowing and another thing is feeling it.

Is there someone else who may have the same fears as me?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Tortuga 

I've had those fears too, you are not alone...

Some things to consider...

Children learn by mirroring their parents, their friends... So, it stands to reason that part of you will integrate both your parents inside of yourself. A voice intonation, a thought, a way of showing anger, voices inside your head telling you you are worthless, or calling others out the way you were called out by your parents, the way your father would react to your mother's anger... But, those are only parts of you, they aren't you... They are like fleas.

The key difference between you and your father is your self-awareness of those parts and your capacity to not act them out, to not create them in your world.

I remember writing something about it on here... For me, hearing my mother through me made me hate myself. I would feel instant rage at the thought of being like her, making me feel even more like her. I would speak and, in my intonation, hear her, and I would hate myself even more. I would get angry, and would react like her by slamming dishes, and I'd thought : that's it I am BPD ! Until I stopped slamming dishes, until I chose to talk about it with H instead of being passive-aggressive.

"Mom, it was an accident. It's neither yours nor my fault if this object broke." Your mother being this angry, and then taking responsibility for an accident is also an unhealthy habit... It's emotional conditionning from your father's rages. I've been there too... Good thing about conditionning is you can reroute your brain to learn something else...

Fleas will go away over time as you continue healing yourself, as your continue to increase your self-awareness and focus on acting instead of reacting.

The work I did on myself, it helped me integrate those parts of me. And I don't hate them so much anymore. I am 50% dad, and 50% mom, and while they were highly dysfunctional, I don't have to be. I had fleas, I have scars, but I am not them, and my awareness of it make it possible for me to heal, it makes it possible for me to stop myself from saying the things I am thinking, until I simply don't think them anymore. A lot of it was mirroring and habits...and you can change habits by taking responsibility for them, and refusing to act them out in the world.

Part of me might always react to anger by wanting to be physically violent like my mother was... But I am not. I stop myself. I am much softer than she ever was. You are not what you think, you are what you choose to do and create in the world. And over time, those impulses decrease, until they disappear. 

Thinking what he would have said doesn't make you like him. It's a flea. Just a part of him that you integrated...

When this happened, it helped me to remember that. Just a fleas. I am not like her. I chose to take only the best of her, the desserts, the industriousness, and I left the rage, the resentment... Over time, I became able to hear her in my voice without hating myself. And you will too.

Give yourself some love and compassion, you've been through a lot, it will take some time. 

[Teabunny]

I struggle with worries about becoming my mother almost daily.

Yes to echoing Riv3rwolf's advice for self-compassion, which I think my BPD mother lacks.

You are not what you think, you are what you choose to do and create in the world.

Riv3rwolf is absolutely right, we are what we do, and love is a verb.

When people tell me oh you look just like your mother, or if someone makes the comparison that I'm just like her, in general this has meant that the person doesn't know me well (a distant relative) or in some cases they're afraid of their own mother or wife, and only see their projection of their mother or wife onto me, without seeing who I am. Luckily this hasn't happened with many people.

Two things that have helped me (not 100% gone, this fear, but it's helpful):

I think the fear of becoming like our mothers may stem from black & white thinking or devaluation, and it's been important for me to see good qualities in my mom so that I don't just fear her and being like her. In some ways it's ok that I'm like her or share something good in common. Example: baking.

Second, it's been vital to see our differences in personality, behaviors, life history, childhood, choices, partners, friends, all of that! We are completely separate individuals that on paper would never be mistaken for each other.