What it means when we get triggered by our family members

[Couscous]

"If we react or get triggered, there is still a part of us that is trying to get to them to change." -- 2m12s mark of this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9yF0s4Lphc

That makes a whole lot of sense to me, and I guess this is where the concept of "Unconditional Other Acceptance" comes in. But for must of us here, if we finally give up on trying to get them to change we will have to face our grief and acknowledge that we are (and always have been) orphans. Once we fully accept our family members as they truly are this will mean that going (or even calling) "home" for the holidays will be a pointless exercise, as he alludes to in the video.

But it does sound like there is light at the end of tunnel, and we don't have to get stuck in our grief, so that's encouraging!  

[seekingpeace2day]

I watched this video earlier today (it was posted in another thread), but this line had not resonated with me until you pointed it out and I re-watched it just now. Thanks.

The "pointlessness of it all" is exactly what I have been feeling/realizing - that since nothing I do or say really matters (my FOO minds are made up - I;m the scapegoat), then What is the point? I might as well stay safe and stay hidden (as in my other thread).

I've grieved some recently but clearly there is much more to feel. I wonder if there is a freedom on the other side of the grief - like maybe, I can visit or speak to them without being triggered... or if this would only re-subject myself to more abuse.

If we are orphans, what would be the point of visiting with biological FOO if they do not and cannot love us? Our sense of duty? Our love for them? Both are good reasons, but neither is the emotional connection and validation that we seek.

[Notwendy]

I did some work on feeling triggered with a counselor. The idea is that, while it may feel that someone is triggering you, it's not possible for someone to do that unless it's your trigger. Family members are probably best at doing this, since they know what the triggers are but they are basically you. Someone can not trigger you unless it's an "emotional" thing you have.

Her suggestion was to see feeling triggered as an opportunity to examine something - they just gave you a clue about that.

It's a work in progress thing but I do recall once being on the phone with my mother and she said something that would have felt hurtful and I didn't notice until later because, I didn't feel reactive to it. I then realized that her "power" to trigger feelings is diminished.

I think it's a good thing to stop expecting other people to change- but this doesn't mean there's no point in being in contact. If the reason we contact our family is with hope they will change, that's a failing assumption. It is most likely going to be disappointing and frustrating. Expecting others to be different is a source of disappointment and hurt.

You are the one to decide any point in visiting or contacting your family. Even staying safe and hidden implies they have the power to hurt you. Yes, they had this power when you were little, and they did. But now consider, how can they harm you? Well they might say and do mean things, but will you not have a roof over your head, or food, or be in dire straits? No.

You don't have to contact them if you don't want to. But it makes a difference if it's your choice "I don't want to spend Christmas with my family because it's unpleasant" vs "I need to stay away from them because they are hurtful". Both may be true but when we act from choice, we feel better about it.

I think the grief is normal and something to go through. You may not be able to make other choices while grieving and you may need to protect your feelings when feeling this vulnerable. Just know that this is a process- and you can eventually decide how much contact you want.

I don't contact my mother with any hope she might change. She's not going to change. I don't contact her due to any "duty" or obligation.

It's been a process for me to struggle between my wishes and the reality of the situation with her. I think I need some contact so I know the situation as it is.

[zachira]

I think there are different kinds of being triggered. I would say being triggered can bring up either healthy anger or unhealthy anger or both. Healthy anger allows us to take immediate action and resolve the crisis at hand immediately. For example, somebody is stuck under a car, and another person is able to muster an incredible amount of adrenaline to lift the car off the other person. Unhealthy anger is when there is rage and the anger is directed in unhealthy ways towards self or others, for reasons that are not entirely clear to the person who is in a rage. Unhealthy anger involves anger as a cover up for emotions that we don't feel safe to feel like sadness and the inablity to cry, underlying a fear of the feelings. Having disordered family members is a lifetime loss, that we need to grieve from time to time, as we allow the grief to soften us and heal us. It is when we don't grieve deeply, and the grief is always on the surface, that we are stuck in anger and unprocessed sorrow. There are losses that people never get over such as the loss of a child, yet the parents who deeply grieve the loss of their child, do find ways to make meaning out of the loss, while feeling sad in certain moments like on the child's birthday. So many of the most kind, generous, and caring people I have know have suffered incredible losses, much to my surprise, as until I got to know them, I thought they had perfect lives. We all have losses, and it how we deal with them is what counts.