I have learned so much about personality disorders in the last year or so when my partner/father of my children was showing confusing and concerning behaviors. My self esteem was plummeting, depression was suffocating and I felt like I’d rather die then fail at another attempt at a family with more children involved.. The humiliation I feel choosing the wrong partners, the disgust I have with myself not making better choices in mates, and brining children into this world with a broken family, not once but twice. I had a child from a previous narcissist ex. I got out when I felt that same depression getting a choke hold, becoming a shell of myself trying to please him and when the verbal abuse was turning physical. That what I needed to draw the line, I am certain he was continuously cheating on me. But never had prof till after the split. It took everything in me to walk away after one night in a bad fight and I got hurt by him basically wrestling me for his car keys to drive drunk, our drunk friend home. The one he always made me uncomfortable around blatantly flirting and checking her out. . I finally went numb, decided my son deserved to see me treated with respect. A year being single, discovering myself, feeling I was tougher wiser and learned allot from my past. I knew what mistakes and read flags I’d never look past again, and here I am. My partner is not a narc. He feels remorse. But after reading books and articles and talking to therapist I am certain he is a petulant bpd. I look at him and feel so sad for him now. I was basically swept away by the idealization. He was so handsome, empathetic, deep, had a child with a tough history w ex. We
Bonded over that. Now i know he mirrored my interests, when I thought we had so much in common. He wanted a family and he still does. He just can’t take care of one. Financially, emotionally he is mess. It took about to the time we got engaged for things to turn downwards. The rose colored glasses were going clear as I looked at this man with a marriage mindset. The devaluation of me was a daily basis and so confusing. He was and an amazing partner until our son was born. I was so happy with my blended family. I thought it was my second chance. Then slowly I was like wtf happened. He loved me, thought I was amazing. Then I would clean the entire house and he would complain about the spices in the spice rack were not all facing fowards. The criticisms were daily and I felt that he kept putting more and more responsibility on me, doing less and less and never happy about my efforts. When I started realizing things were wrong, I got pregnant again. I can’t take birth control. But I could’ve stopped having sex with him. But I was still loving him. The good days, the way he could be so amazing, thoughtful considerate, romantic, SANE. Then the complete opposite had me on a trauma bond. During this pregnancy my depression become so crippling I didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. I never tried to hurt myself, but I asked got to me out my misery for a few weeks. I was bringing another child into this mess. He was not supportive this pregnancy. Still expecting me to take care of everything I’m the exact same way. Wich was allot, and by the third pregnancy my body was shot. It hurt. To stand to walk. The night I went into labor he was yelling at me about his son spilling his drink and me trying to save his laptop. I was so confused. In the addraline rush I dropped his laptop I was in a corner and he handed it back to me and o placed it wrong, so more yelling. I couldn’t eat dinner at that point so I went to room to ball my eyes out. He came in and demanded I came back to eat and he put allot of effort into it. I didn’t want to eat or be near him. My body was getting ready to have a baby and he wasn’t safe: I don’t know that then. We we’re staying at a air bnb while our home was under construction. I left to go to that house. In its crazy mess just to be alone. I went into labor at 2 am. He wasn’t answering the phone and she was coming fast. He finally showed up. I’m hunched over in a contraction and he tells me to hurry up. No empathy no concern. Im in pain and I yelled at him for it and he called me names. I told him he’s feelings didn’t matter I was having a baby
. He snapped out it. We had the baby, and after a week I left town to stay at my moms to have real support. I called off the engagement and I stayed on her couch for 3 months. Then I moved into my grandmothers upstairs with my 3 children in my home town. I take care of her too, and our two dogs. It can feel very overwhelming. But my mental health has greatly improved since being on my own. This whole time the house was never finished, his poor planing, and negligence and he blames that fact for me leaving. Even though I tell him it’s not. I agreed that if he tried, went to counseling, supported his family he could come over on the weekend. We would basically have a long distance relationship (2hrs) untill I felt the relationship was a healthy and safe place to return. I talk to him about BPD before and he can’t handle the idea of him being diagnosed. Makes him freeze up and hate himself and basically not able to function if he thinks he’s broken.
So I told him you don’t need a diagnosis but you need to go to therapy either way. He agreed but it’s been sporadic because he can’t really afford it. He sends a couple hundred dollars a month sometimes more sometimes less said it’s not really enough to get us by. I’m basically a single mom. trying to figure out how to support me and my family.
While he gets to come see us on the weekends. The separation has helped. because he’s excited to see us and it only last a few days before he becomes petulant again. he does try a lot harder when he’s here with the kids and with things around the house and I’d say he’s made strides. But honestly, I don’t think it’s enough for me. I want to get married I want to have a family. I can’t imagine myself marrying this man. It’s really sad to say I feel sorry for him and his relationships and his family are all strained. barely has any friends anymore. He’s hurting inside and he misses his family being there every day. but he just does not have what it takes. I feel sorry for him, and I wanna cry when I think about the misery, he feels. But I just cannot marry a man who I don’t admire, or look up to as a provider and protector. I have tried many times to end the relationship and he just acts like things are normal and I eventually do to. I do like having him around and it kills me that the kids will not have a real family So I’m just going with the flow being as detached as possible so when he splits on me it doesn’t hurt so bad. But its also makes it hard to enjoy any good times because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. he says we should do whatever it takes for the kids and I feel that and I feel guilt but I just don’t think this is it for me. My story is embarrassing and I can’t imagine another person not feeling bad for me with 3 kids as a single mom at 31. I know being hard on my self. But I’m so dam jaded. There’s inklings of hope as in he is trying. But for the most part I’m too far gone. Numb. and I don’t know how to do this. He won’t except a breakup and I have to see him for the kids so he will just end up reeling me back in time and time again. He’s charming, and feels allot. It crushes him not being a family, and it crushes me to because it not really what I wanted, I found an old email between two of his exes yesterday, the were talking to each other about the things they have been through with him. It was eye opening, it felt like a twilight zone. Even cheating wich he swore to me he never had. So I learned he was a liar. but In those cases the girls were discarded. Coldly, harshley, And in mine I can’t get him to let me go. Is there hope, is there good stories in here. I have learned allot about myself too. I come from a unstable home and I can be codependent in romantic relationships. Very independent otherwise. I’m a big softy on the inside with a tough exterior and I think they can sniff that out about me. Im working on it. Help
