How to respond after No Contact

[StopswithMe]

Hi!
After a little over a year of no contact from my BPD mother she has texted me  a passive aggressive request to start speaking again.
The No Contact was requested by her but fully supported by me. I did request that therapy be sought specifically for BPD but I’m 99% sure this did not happen on her end.
I have a great support system in my husband and feel that I am fairly stable although I haven’t found a BPD therapist for myself.
I am looking for advice on how to engage with BPD mom, she’s soon to be 75, without triggering myself or allowing old patterns. We live across country to text and phone calls are the extent of the communication.
Thank you so much for any advice.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the family.

If you have a Therapist, I would suggest posing that question to your therapist whether or not they know how to deal with the borderline.

You only have one mother, and she is getting up in age.  You can go NC any time you want from the distance that you explained.

What do you want to do?  If you don't want a relationship, remain NC.

If you do want a relationship, set firm boundaries with consequences you are willing to enforce if she crosses those boundaries.

Also, personally I would wait for a 2nd request, as the emotional mood of a borderline shifts rapidly and is different day by day if not hour by hour.

In any event, do what is best for you, as only you can take care of you the best.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to the family.


You only have one mother, and she is getting up in age.  You can go NC any time you want from the distance that you explained.

These are three important statements, and yet, each consideration can be emotionally difficult.

For one, there is the mother who have birth to me and my gratitude for that forms the basis of my religious/spiritual reasons for making the attempt on my part to maintain some contact with her. They also form the standards that I fall short of in terms of how our culture sees the relationship "mother". I posted an article a while back written by a woman who also struggled with trying to assist her BPD elderly mother who sabotaged her every attempt to the point of becoming homeless. The author had just had a new baby and struggled between her need to protect her child from having an abusive and mentally ill person in her home and leaving her mother to social services. She wrote "what kind of monster puts her mother in a homeless shelter"? "I am that monster".

Yes, we only have one mother who is getting up in age. This implies we should want contact and to assist. Of course we do. But what if this woman is emotionally toxic not only to us but we also have children? For me growing up, one of my wishes was to have my own family and I would not allow anyone to treat my children the way my mother treated me.

Growing up, I observed my friends' mothers. They acted very different from mine. They were warm, and loving, and caring. They made sure their kids were warm and safe and fed. More than likely we grew up feeling like we didn't have a mother but adults would constantly tell us things like "of course your mother cares about you, she's your mother" But for us, the mother we have could be different from the one they have.

So to share my decision and why I made it. BPD mother has gone NC with me but not for long, usually a few weeks, so I'd just see it as her space and eventually she'd make contact. Her method of doing this is to pretend nothing happened and all is normal. You can not ask her why or try to talk about any issues. So, if you wish to have contact with your mother and she has initiated it, that is what I'd do. Just pretend it never happened. Trying to talk about it won't help resolve anything. It just causes drama.

My choice is LC- discussions do not include anything intimate, or personal or emotional. I don't try to bring up tough subjects. I choose topics that are public and general. So if we were to speak on the phone, it would be the kind of talk we do at parties, social, light topics.

If I find myself emotionally triggered, this is a signal to get off the phone and take care of myself. I might say "Mom, it's nice talking to you but someone's at the door"  or some neutral reason to stop the conversation. I can't control what she's going to say, but if I feel emotionally upset, I know I need to get off the phone.

When Dad passed away, my mother was angry at me and at this point disowned me. This was an opportunity to go NC and I could have chosen that. But at this time, she was "getting up in years" and also was now a widow. I needed to make any decisions based on just me, not my BPD mother as I don't know if she'd have cared either way. So I chose LC because it was the choice that fit me best.  

Can I change my mind and go NC anytime? It's not that simple because the same considerations are there. She's still an elderly widow. Choosing NC is never easy, which is why we avoid that choice unless absolutely necessary but sometimes it is sadly, necessary. She continues to be difficult to deal with, for her home health care workers, for others around her.

I think it's important to consider your boundaries. How much do you want to be involved in assisting an elderly parent?  She lies a lot of the time. She has no respect for boundaries. I need to have physical distance from her. These are things to consider. What do you need to safely be in communication with your mother?

[Mommydoc]

Welcome StopswithMe. 

The first thing you need to consider, is what you want.  It sounds like your mother initiated NC but you benefited from it. You say you are  looking for “advice on how to engage”. Does that mean piece of you wants to consider a transition to LC?   Can you share with us what your feelings about engaging with your mother, what your hopes of engaging with your mother are and how realistic you think they are.  These feelings may be in conflict and are worth exploring before you decide.

I am also curious about the “passive aggressive” request.  What did she say, and what is she asking for?

I like that you have a great support system and feel very stable in your life. 

Deep down, we all have fantasies about what a positive relationship would be like, and part of the work we have to do individually is understand that the pwBPD is not likely to change, and so we have to change.  We have to let go of some of the fantasies of them showing up differently.  Most pwBPD can be quite charming and lure us into believing things are going to be different, but it is always temporary until their mood shifts or something triggers them. 

NotWendy’s advice around boundaries, quick exit strategies  and keeping things superficial is good.  I would also suggest starting with text only, but also with boundaries.  Text by nature is brief and helps keep things light ( though my pwBPD sends novellas on text to me sometimes, LOL).  You don’t have to react immediately or at all.  It is perfectly fine to ignore a negative or inflammatory text and wait until the pwBPD is interacting either positively or neutrally.   

Wishing you luck in your decision.  There is no right or wrong.  I am LC and find it challenging in many ways.  Sometimes I fantasize about being NC but it isn’t realistic for me.  There are clear advantages and disadvantages of both LC and NC. If you decide to transition to LC, please think about the boundaries and support you need to put in place to keep yourself safe.  You have done the work to “see the old patterns” and that awareness will serve you well, if you identify your boundaries and stick with them. 

[StopswithMe]

Thank you all for the kind welcome, thoughtful replies and sound advice.
This is the first time I have engaged with others who know exactly what I’m dealing with as a child of a pwBPD. This alone is comforting and encouraging although regrettable that we all have similar experiences.
You all bring up good points and questions. After thinking about it, LC is closest to what I desire and can handle realistically.
Letting go of the idea that my mother would want to seek help to change in order to improve the relationships in her life is my next step it seems. If I can approach each “conversation” with her from that frame of mind coupled with the quick exit strategies you suggest, I see a path forward.
It sounds though from your experiences that the letting go of the fantasy of a positive relationship is a constant struggle. How does your heart reconcile with your brain? It’s also a struggle to not engage with the negativity.
How do I find a therapist in my area or online to work with me on these issues? I have 2 children, 16 yo daughter and 18 yo son. Our relationship is way better than any I ever had with my mother but I fear everyday that I have replicated some of the bad patterns. I desire to work with someone to heal my past as a child of pwBPD and mend any damage I myself might have caused.
I just found this forum yesterday. I am so grateful.
Happy New Year to us all.

[Couscous]

As someone who is also very motivated to end the cycle with my own kids, what I have found to be most helpful are the books, The Emotional Incest Syndrome, The Dance of Anger and the Dance of Intimacy, as well as Coping with Critical, Demanding and Dysfunctional Parents. If you have a harsh inner critic, the book Embracing your Inner Critic is excellent.

As far as therapy goes, I recommend seeking out a competent systems trained family therapist. These will not be experts on BPD, (few therapists are) but they will be familiar with the dysfunctional family patterns that families with BPD mothers fall into and can help you to reduce your reactivity and work with you to break old communication patterns. The books I mentioned should give you a good sense for what to look for in a family therapist should you wish to go the therapy route.

Best wishes, and happy new year to you too.

[SaltyDawg]

You all bring up good points and questions. After thinking about it, LC is closest to what I desire and can handle realistically.
With LC, make sure you establish boundaries that you are willing to enforce.

Letting go of the idea that my mother would want to seek help to change in order to improve the relationships in her life is my next step it seems. If I can approach each “conversation” with her from that frame of mind coupled with the quick exit strategies you suggest, I see a path forward.
The only way a person with BPD can change, two things must happen.  #1 - They become self-aware [fully or partially] AND #2 - Are willing to work with therapists to correct the symptoms.
 
It sounds though from your experiences that the letting go of the fantasy of a positive relationship is a constant struggle. How does your heart reconcile with your brain? It’s also a struggle to not engage with the negativity.
That's a biggie, I finally achieved it with the most recent splitting me black 3 days ago with my uBPDw - the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance' which I have independently modified to 'radical forgiveness'.

One of the components of my version of radical acceptance is to pre-forgive, in essence, I know the reality of my situation is that that my wife will eventually transgress against me in the form of gas lighting when she is splitting me black. Since I know this to be a fact [based on historical patterns], I know this is going to happen again, as long as I know that she is not deliberately doing this, and I see that she is being triggered by external forces; therefore, I have already forgiven her for what she does not know that she is about to do. That's what makes it radical.

Part of radical acceptance is "Once individuals can accept [forgiveness] reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made" and I have added forgiving her in the accepted part of reality, even though I do not approve of her actions and will state as much when it is happening to me.  I would like to coin the term "radical forgiveness,"  however somebody already beat me to it in 1997. [Now I have something else to look up since it looks like what I'm already doing].

In essence I have mentally compartmentalized my wife's bad behavior as being attributable to her mental illness, and she is 'not guilty by reason of insanity' literally, and that is how I treat it when she splits me black.

How do I find a therapist in my area or online to work with me on these issues? I have 2 children, 16 yo daughter and 18 yo son. Our relationship is way better than any I ever had with my mother but I fear everyday that I have replicated some of the bad patterns. I desire to work with someone to heal my past as a child of pwBPD and mend any damage I myself might have caused.
I have a D16 & S11.  School counselors are an excellent resource to locate mental health professionals if you want to go that route.  However, I would suggest a google search, for your local area public health resources is another good place, call up local licensed counselors and ask, if they don't deal with BPD or high conflict, ask if they have a recommendation.  Local hospital is another good place, call them up, and ask.  Your children's pediatrician is another good resource.  However, please be sure to ask for one that deals with 'high conflict' relationships, as relationships with borderlines are usually high conflict.  DBT therapy is considered best; however, other types can deal with it as well, do your homework.

[Notwendy]

It sounds though from your experiences that the letting go of the fantasy of a positive relationship is a constant struggle. How does your heart reconcile with your brain? It’s also a struggle to not engage with the negativity.

How do I find a therapist in my area or online to work with me on these issues?

Some of this was circumstantial. I still was trying to have a positive relationship with my parents- mostly my father who I was more attached to but my mother inevitably included, they were a pair. Then, my father got ill, and eventually this illness led to him passing away. I had not spent a lot of time alone with my parents for decades. We mainly visited as a family. BPD mother was motivated to hold it together as much as she possibly could in front of my kids. I had not seen a lot of her worst behaviors for decades.

I went to help out with my father and spent an extensive time alone with either both of them or her alone and what I saw/experienced was a shock. As a kid, my parents controlled the narrative, and a main objective was to "normalize" BPD mother and diminish her behavior. Now, as an adult, I saw it for myself and the extent of it was extreme.

It was kind of the event that made me see the extent of the family dysfunction and how this also influenced my other relationships. I also didn't want to have this effect my children. So I sought out counseling and it was a counselor who recommended I do 12 step groups for co-dependency. Finding the counselor was plain luck actually. I just looked a few up and picked one. She was good and the 12 step groups ( and working with a sponsor ) have been very helpful.

I had originally perceived my mother as the one with the problem and my father as the victim of her behavior. However, it turned out that he- as her enabler- had more influence as a role model on my behavior than she does and this is what I had to work on. My kids don't need counseling. They are not impacted by my parents' behaviors. The most compelling issue was what behaviors was I role modeling? The way to change that was for me to change my behaviors, not anything to do with them.

For me, radical acceptance was when I saw the full extent of my mother's behaviors and how cruel and abusive she can be. I saw all the effort my father made on her behalf to get her help and how many times she has had treatment for mental illness and it didn't have any impact because, she herself, does not believe she has any need for it and won't follow through. I have no expectations of her getting help, or changing.

[Greg]

No Contact is the greatest thing ever.  But it has to come from you.  No BPD ever wants NC with their children, that is just a lie they say when their is a swing in the emotions.  They cannot regulate like healthy adults and they will lash out when they think they are back in your good graces and youve forgotten enough of the abuse.

Going NC 13 yrs ago changed my whole life.  Holidays and birthdays can be amazing and full of joy and I no longer live on the whims of their emotional outbursts and manipulation.  I cant recommend it enough.