Is this an appropriate place for me? If not, where do I go?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I don't know if my Dad has BPD per say, so this might not be the best place to really comment, but there is so many similarities in behavior, between various people with different types of Narcissistic personality disorders, or traits. And I didn't know where to go, so I came here. I was on the Narcissistic Abuse sub reddit, but they banned me for asking a minor question, the mods there are really trigger happy, and they said they didn't accept people with neighbors as their abusers. So I ended up back here. (the neighbor thing is another issue).

A bit of history, I used this site a long time ago, after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend, who psychologically abused me. It helped me learn about BPD and heal, so I'm back here, because it was the best resource I had, and I've struggled to find communities to go in, to deal with all that I'm going through. Got involved with a Narcissist, who probably had BPD online, was her friend for like 9 months, and I realized twice that she was a Narcissist, maybe with BPD, cut ties and did research again. This opened my eyes to other people in my life, that may have been abusing me, the neighbor definitely has been.

I know it might sound red flaggy that I sound like some victim that gets abused by everyone, but I assure you, that I am introspective, and I understand that Narcissists have been normalized in my life, and that I need to address my own issues, to have good boundaries, pick good people to be close to, and to just generally stick up for myself when necessary. I've had a lot of Narcissists in my own life, because I'm attracted to them, because of codependency issues, and probably loneliness.

I'll continue the stuff about my Dad in my follow up post, because this is going to be too long. But I guess my initial question, is does anyone have any other support resources for people suffering from various forms of Narcissistic abuse? Is this a valid place to talk, if your abuser has other forms of Narcissism? Or just Narcissistic traits? What about if they are your neighbor?

What I am dealing with:

Online friend/sex interest seemed to have a Narcissistic personality disorder, probably BPD. Was friends with her for about a year. Cut ties

Neighbor who I've been dealing with probably has BPD, was abusing me for years, cut ties. (will still have to deal with her)

Dad seems to at the very least have Narcissistic traits, and is the main person I'm going to talk about, because I live with him and have to deal with him. I believe he's been using various gaslighting tactics to avoid responsibility for his actions, and to control me. Has shown a lack of empathy, neglectful behavior, and seems to prefer it when I am docile and is resistant to all assertiveness. Among other issues.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I don't know if my Dad has BPD per say, so this might not be the best place to really comment, but there is so many similarities in behavior, between various people with different types of Narcissistic personality disorders, or traits. And I didn't know where to go, so I came here. I was on the Narcissistic Abuse sub reddit, but they banned me for asking a minor question, the mods there are really trigger happy, and they said they didn't accept people with neighbors as their abusers. So I ended up back here. (the neighbor thing is another issue).

A bit of history, I used this site a long time ago, after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend, who psychologically abused me. It helped me learn about BPD and heal, so I'm back here, because it was the best resource I had, and I've struggled to find communities to go in, to deal with all that I'm going through. Got involved with a Narcissist, who probably had BPD online, was her friend for like 9 months, and I realized twice that she was a Narcissist, maybe with BPD, cut ties and did research again. This opened my eyes to other people in my life, that may have been abusing me, the neighbor definitely has been.

I know it might sound red flaggy that I sound like some victim that gets abused by everyone, but I assure you, that I am introspective, and I understand that Narcissists have been normalized in my life, and that I need to address my own issues, to have good boundaries, pick good people to be close to, and to just generally stick up for myself when necessary. I've had a lot of Narcissists in my own life, because I'm attracted to them, because of codependency issues, and probably loneliness.

I'll continue the stuff about my Dad in my follow up post, because this is going to be too long. But I guess my initial question, is does anyone have any other support resources for people suffering from various forms of Narcissistic abuse? Is this a valid place to talk, if your abuser has other forms of Narcissism? Or just Narcissistic traits? What about if they are your neighbor?

What I am dealing with:

Online friend/sex interest seemed to have a Narcissistic personality disorder, probably BPD. Was friends with her for about a year. Cut ties

Neighbor who I've been dealing with probably has BPD, was abusing me for years, cut ties. (will still have to deal with her)

Dad seems to at the very least have Narcissistic traits, and is the main person I'm going to talk about, because I live with him and have to deal with him. I believe he's been using various gaslighting tactics to avoid responsibility for his actions, and to control me. Has shown a lack of empathy, neglectful behavior, and seems to prefer it when I am docile and is resistant to all assertiveness. Among other issues.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi NarcsEverywhere !

Most ressources and articles you will find on the ressources pages are aimed at dealing with someone with BPD, but truly apply to all relationships, since they are mostly tools for ourselves, to better manage our expectations, triggers, and develop better boundaries.

I don't want to talk for everyone, but generally speaking, most users here agree that BPD/NPD are a spectrum of behaviors that meshes together within Cluster B, and we don't discriminate if someone has a narcissistic parent instead of a borderline parent. Abuse is abuse, and while the very root of narcissistic abuse might differ a bit from borderline abuse, the tools we develop to deal with it are the same.

In the end, this is a very welcoming forum to hang on, and we are all looking to better ourselves. The only time I ever saw someone being redirected was a diagnosed borderline. For obvious reasons, this person was redirected toward a forum oriented to help pwBPD.

I talked about issues with a neighbor before and am still here! This forum is one of the safest I have found, and users here are very welcoming, supportive of one another, non-judgmental and helpful. Most users here don't have a diagnosed parent either, we came up with our own diagnosis, the one that matches our reality, what we observed, the best, if only because labels can help to find tools to deal with trauma... In the end : abuse is abuse. 

So don't hesitate to vent, or dive deeper into what you are going through. There is a lot of wisdom here.

So... Welcome !  

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, thanks a lot, I'm so relieved I can still use this place, haha. It was insane all the rules they had on that reddit sub. Some of them made no sense, and then when you ask about them you get banned, because asking is against the rules. And they banned me when all I asked for was a clarification of a rule, not even asking why they had the rule.

Seems insane to me the way they treat people there, with how so many of those people are at their most vulnerable and lowest. They banned me without giving me any sympathy or resources, the guy was just on a power trip, sigh. Really shouldn't run support groups like this with zero compassion.

Cool, well, I think this place will help, because I'm mainly needing to vent and get some other insights about abusive behaviors, and manipulation tactics, so I can better spot them and deal with them, thanks!

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I was with a girl who had BPD for like 10 years, pretty much wiped me out, and I was a walking corpse, I recovered after a crap ton of hard work, and have grown greatly as a person. But obviously, I am still susceptible to this sort of stuff.

So the friend online, who was a sex interest, pretty much used a bunch of manipulation tactics to get my attention, until I was giving her all my attention. The main one should would use is the sympathy card, constantly playing the victim. But she used a lot of them. The damage she did to me was, she shamed my body in various ways, shamed my sexual interests in various ways, and even got my to temporarily question part of my sexual orientation. It's hard for me to believe this, because I've normally got a strong sense of self, but once she sucked me in deep, I was vulnerable to all this crap. Stuff is hard to unwind. After observing her, doing research, it was so obvious she probably has BPD.

After this happening, this led to me analyzing my neighbor, who was sucking me in by forcing help on me, always over helping, and trying to always insist she does it for nothing. All in an effort to cause me to feel obligated. She'd give me tasks that then she'd be apathetic about later, to suck me in, and would use the sympathy card. Both of these people even said they're suicidal, when my friend killed himself about a year ago. Luckily, I did eventually see through their manipulations. And cut ties with both of them.

I guess the most disturbing part of this one is I love animals, and she neglected so many cats, and 4 died and 2 ran away through her negligence, and it breaks my heart, I got sad, and cried almost every time. So many times I wanted to yell at her, or call animal control, but because she has been manipulating me for like 5 years, I grew to fear her, fear what she'd do to my cat, and somehow she had be apologizing so much, that I was excusing away her crappy behavior as just mistakes, because she feigned remorse?

And now there is nothing I can do about it, because there's no obvious neglectful behavior anymore. Really there was only one time I could have turned her in. All I can do now is turn her in if I see anything else. Can't believe a person like me who loves animals so much, put up with this crap. I tried so many times to urge her to do better for them, but I think that may have antagonized her into doing some of it? She slowly destroyed my standards of behavior that I expect from people. Because it was a slow burn of me urging her to do better, and her doing the exact opposite, until animals died, so sick.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Okay, so that's the old history and the recent history, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about 10 years ago, and the sex interest, I cut ties with like 4 months ago. The neighbor I've pulled away from, and cut off completely this Christmas.

God my anxiety levels have been through the roof, the trauma/grief has been overwhelming. I've had a terrible time sleeping, I feel depressed really bad a lot of times, my sense of self is way weaker than normal, and my codependency causes me to feel way too much responsibility for the world. I feel a sense of shame, ugliness, worthlessness, betrayal, feeling used, manipulated, abused, so much crap. Also been kind of paranoid and even fallen into black and white thinking, which is all very rare to me. But I think that's improving, thank god.

Also had another friendship not work out recently, after putting my heart into it, but not going to get into that. I just keep plugging away at journaling and working on positive attitudes, with the wisdom I've learned and my daily reader. Isn't helping much, but it's better than nothing.

So, I'm sorry for so much prefacing before I get to my Dad, but I really needed people to understand the context, and I just needed to get it all off my chest so badly.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Staying in my room more, to get some space from my Dad because after a ton of research and going through all these experiences. I've started to notice my Dad's behavior more, and I think he's doing some of the same crap. He's upset me many times over the years, especially the last 5 years, or so, and I've spoken up to him about it. But I didn't realize what it all might be here, until recently. Let me list off some disturbing stuff that he's done:

I looked forward to my birthday meal for 2 weeks, he knew that, and he said he was tired on my birthday and I didn't get it. (he's used "I'm not feeling well, I'm too tired", to get out of doing stuff for others many times before). Then, I got upset, and the next day, instead of trying to rectify the situation, he wanted to do a bunch of stuff for himself, without even considering getting me the meal, which upset me again.

When I call him out on stuff and get assertive, he looks away from me half the time, as if brain dead, and also will threatened to move out.

One of the most disturbing to me is I'll assert I saw something, like my dog dragging his feet on the floor, and his paws are now a bit bloody, and when I told him, he brought up that it could be something else, and I said I'm 99% sure I'm right. Then he acts like it's just as likely to be something else, and went and looked for rocks outside in the yard, because it could be that. It felt so random, and it caused me to question myself so much. And he's done this many times, and he seems to get a kick out of it. It's a really sick sort of gaslighting, to me.

When I act really hungry, and like I wanna eat badly, he'll act almost impossibly indecisive for hours upon hours. I guess because I say "we need to eat", and "I cooked last time", and he hates being controlled by my insistence that we need to eat? This used to drive me crazy, but then I learned not to depend on him at all... sometimes he'd be indecisive until like 11pm, when I'm about to pass out.

I was in the living room, journaling about my friends suicide. And I told him, I need to journal right now, about my friend, so I need to be left alone. About 2 minutes later he talks to me about something funny on the TV... He's done stuff this disregardful many times.

I hurt my back severely, and when we were driving to and from the hospital, he got angry and drove the car fast, jostling my back. Both times, he was angry over very minor things I asked for. On top of that, when I was injured, and he was forced to help more, he ran into me hard, and hurt my back, and I expressed it, and he completely ignored it, like it never happened.

Whenever I bring up how I feel, he immediately goes into a long thing about how he feels, whenever I say what I've accomplished, he always says what he accomplished. Which would be fine, if he let me talk. I say like one thing and he's already talking about himself.

He seems to get uptight when I am dealing with my greatest fears, which makes them even worse.

I had excruciating pain one time, for like hours, and he knew it, and I asked him to get me some stuff for constipation. And he wanted to run a ton of errands, that weren't urgent, when he went out to do that... causes me feel so insignificant, just like how most of the stuff he has done causes me to feel.

I think one of the most disturbing things, is that I really went over some of this behavior the other day, and he knows I've been having a ton of trouble. I just basically said he has some empathy problems, and I can't believe he's done this stuff, because it all seems so cold. And I got pretty angry, and really called him out and didn't back down. I didn't judge him, I said, you need to be more considerate, and to regard me more. So the next day, I was having a lot of emotional trouble, and angry and upset, and he starts harassing me like crazy while I'm struggling to function, keeps talking to me, like way more than normal. As if to throw me off?

I've been in my room the past 2 days, and he seems to be acting nicer than normal, and giving me more space than normal, and buying me more stuff than normal. Even put on a TV channel he hates all day, just to try to get me to be in the living room.

Also, he rarely changes, when you call him out and rarely even admits he did anything wrong. Even if he walks all over you, while you're struggling. He also will do the opposite of what you want, just to spite you.

I'm so mad about it all, I really think he's been manipulating me, disregarding me. And I wonder how low it all really goes, has he been sadistically causing me emotional and physical pain? It sure seems like it. Disgusting. He's worn me down over years, because he hated when I was much more independent and assertive. I don't know if I even want a relationship with him anymore. I feel so angry that my own father would treat me like this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

So...

Because I want you to get the most out of this forum, I'd just like to point out there are different boards on it. If you look under the Boards section, you will see that, for example, the family section is divided in two: one dor people having parent with BPD, and another for people having a child with BPD. There are also three boards for love interests: one for people who wants to improve the relationship, one for people who are conflicted, and another for people who cut ties and struggle with letting go, or with the remnant of the relationship.

I've personally never been in a relationship with someone with BPD or NPD. The person in my life with BPD is my mother. Which is why I mainly discuss on this specific board. So it would be hard for me to understand what you have been through in your relationship eith someone with BPD. However, if you post your story again as a new post on the board specific to the cutting ties and letting go aim, then I am sure a lot of wise and helpful people will have tools for you and questions worth asking, things to consider.

For your neighbor, I guess I wonder how you felt, through the relationship... Was it a love interest, or was there a parent-child feel to it?

There is a saying here : all roads lead to the PSI (Parent, sibblings and in-law) board. Mainly because, our relationship with our parents forged the foundations on which we build our relationship as adults.

So I guess this brings me to my next question... You mention you still live with your father, are you a teenager? Or an adult? I am simply asking to better support you through this, as my advices, and the advices of most users here, would vary depending on your level of independance.

I also wonder, is your mother living with you?

And can you gain access to therapy?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf. Yeah, I'm sorry if my post was off topic. I didn't want a lot of specific help for the neighbor and sex interest one, just wanted to get the gist of it off my chest. Also, the neighbor one, at one point was kind of a love interest, but that was years ago. And I thought what we had was more of a friendship? But I think maybe I am still a love interest to her?

I suppose if I post about it again, I'll post it somewhere else, sorry for flooding the boards with off topic stuff. I suppose I'll post that to the detaching/relationship board if I talk about it more. Or if you want it removed, I can move it. Would you prefer that? I was tired and anxious when I posted, so I suppose I didn't think it through a lot.

Nah, me and my Dad are both quite old. And I know I need to depend on him less, but it's not like I haven't contributed a lot. I've busted my butt contributing to the house, so many times. Technically he lives in my house, we're both on assistance. I'm on disability for mental health issues, and he's on social security. Also, a lot of his behaviors have existed since I can remember. So it's not like this is just because he's old. I've tried to cut him a ton of slack and be understanding, but it never seemed to help his behavior. Weather I use a soft touch or stern assertiveness, he remains about the same.

My mother died like 6 or so years ago, and I talk to my therapist over the phone (because I have agoraphobia), but I missed a session and they were out for the holidays, plus I had some severe boundary issues that caused me to feel overwhelmed when talking to him, the last time I talked to him. So I'm gonna call to day and get an appointment, but yeah, I haven't gotten therapy in about 1.5 months.

I do think though, that I need to spend less time around my Dad and more time trying to be more independent and getting over my fears, for both of our sakes. I really have tried to contribute a lot, even though I don't drive. Like I've helped a lot with the chores, buying stuff online for both of us, I do the budget/bills, and have taken charge with the pets and such. But I can see how it could wear on him sometimes because of his age and such. So I do sympathize with that. But this hasn't all happened in a vacuum, his behavior has knocked me down a lot of notches and contributed to me being less functional.

[Notwendy]

Hello Narcs-

No need to apologize for your posts. There are mods here who would move posts, not because of any criticism but that they think the poster would probably get more helpful replies from other posters in another section. It's OK to discuss a relationship anywhere, but more likely that other people with the same experience will see the post in a relationship section.

But it all goes together sometimes, and so people with difficult relationships often have family members who have similar issues. Our families and genetics have an influence on us. So, it may not be that unusual for you to feel surrounded by people with NPD traits as this can be a certain pattern.

I think you know by now that we can't change other people and especially a whole lot of people. But the bottom line is that change has to be with us, whether the person with a disorder is a family member, friend, neighbor or romantic partner. I have heard it said that people with NPD seek out empaths. The focus then isn't to change a positive quality about you, but to improve your radar at detecting people who might take advantage of that, albeit pw NPD are very good at enlisting people for their own needs. On the other hand, you don't want to be so suspicious that it keeps nice people away from you.

So besides you, pick the one person who you would need to deal with the most. It is possible to break a relationship with someone online, or a neighbor- but IMHO the relationship that needs the most attention here is your father. It seems that the two of you are in a mutually dependent situation. You live together. You are both contributing to each other in important ways. As he gets older, his needs may even increase. This does not seem to be a situation that is likely to change, at least not in the near future. On the other hand, the two of you probably get on each other's nerves too, like any family members or room mates.

He's not going to change. On your part, I think it may take some respite, or time apart, in order to help you tolerate the situation. One idea is to reach out to your local social services organizations for support groups, services for adults with mental health concerns ( for you) and perhaps adult outlets for your father such as adult day care if he's old enough for that. Sometimes local churches have adult activities and support groups or other activities. Even if you are not personally religious, churches can provide a community and group activities. Volunteer if you can. The idea is to get some space between the two of you and also have contact with others away from him.

Maybe you have heard these before but they do help. I hope you have a counselor to work with. Face to face contact helps.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Wendy. Well, I can only really control myself, so I need to work on my agoraphobia in order to be able to do a lot of what I want here, such as connecting to others outside the home. I always support him getting out of the house to connect to others and such, and have suggested him joining communities, I can almost guarantee he's not gonna do any of that. But I wouldn't mind occasionally suggesting stuff to him?

Yeah, I don't see our situation changing anytime soon, so the best bet is to stay away from him when I can. Been hard, because my back issue forced me into the living room more than I want to be, and he's always in the living room.

Like, he's pretty old, but for his age, his body and mind are pretty functional, he doesn't seem as old as he is at all. I know he's gonna need more help as time goes on. I just hope, he'll actually seek out help, but he never does. He mostly acts helpless, especially when it comes to his mental health.I also hope my back issue improves more, and I can heal mentally, so I can be more functional, in order to help him as he gets older.

Yeah, right now, my trust in people is at an all time low. So I'm kinda paranoid. But, normally I am probably overly trusting and assume the best in people, which I can see now can be a fatal flaw, because a lot of people just don't have good intentions, and aren't as open and honest as I am. But there are definitely plenty of genuine people out there too, I just haven't been connecting to them closely, unfortunately.

Thanks for your response.

[Riv3rW0lf]

NarcsEverywhere,

No need to apologize, I mentioned it for you to get the most helpful responses depending on what you need, but you are welcome to vent and chat about everything you need to here... Like Notwendy said, worst case scenario, someone will move a post to the most helpful place. I personally use this board a lot for introspection, and now, most times, it isn't about my BPD mother. I do think you are at the right place right now.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. I am sorry to hear that. I've had some back issues last year...three times, I was completely stuck for days, and it hurt so bad, I remember trying to get up and the pain was just so much, I was completely depressed and out of myself ... Back issues truly can take a severe toll on your mental health. And so I am sorry you are dealing with this. Are there some physical exercise you can do to help relieve pain? What kind of self care do you do to help you out with the pain? I have a few to recommend if you need it.

I don't have agoraphobia myself, so it is hard to imagine what this must feels like for you. I did deal with social anxiety, and still can get quite triggered when meeting new people. I had to push myself over and over to feel more grounded, it was a slow desensitization process... I am glad to hear you have a trained therapist to help you and guide you through.

My heart goes out to you, I can feel how lonely you seem to be right now... I can certainly relate to this feeling. And so would like to let you know I hear you, I get it, and we are here for you. This forum has done a lot for me in the past year, and I do hope it helps you too.

Also, I am sorry to read about your mother. How was your relationship with her?

[Notwendy]

Agoraphobia is tough. I hope your therapist can help you with that.

When two people are somehow stuck together in a disordered pattern ( at least one or more has a mental disorder) - it's because in some way, the situation meets emotional needs for both of them. Even if it's not obvious or they seem unhappy together, the pattern is difficult to break because it works for them in some way.

This is documented in the Alcoholic's Anonymous Blue Book. The examples are of their time and so a bit archaic, but the authors found that the alcoholics would seem to get better but then get worse. They discovered that their seemingly loving and supportive spouses who appeared to be caring for them were apparently enabling them, keeping them from recovering from alcoholism. None of this is consciously malicious. These pairs may care about each other and think they are doing what is best to care for their spouse. They need to find a different way to meet their caretaking needs and also help their spouse stay sober.

So here is your task to bring up with your counselor. We can't do this here- it takes someone with training. Your father is not going to change. Suggesting that he go out, do things, is not going to work. If you need to be in the living room, he's going to be right there. There's a lot of emotional baggage between family members, parents and children of any age. He will always be your Dad but the two of you need to transition to two adults sharing a home in terms of your functioning. You two need each other. You are going to stay in the same house together. So how do you function from disordered interactions to being two interdependent but emotionally less disordered adults? This might range from rearranging the house to where you have your own space ( get a couch and TV in your room), you getting out of the house for an activity, as he won't. Even if you have to start with taking a walk around the block. If being around too many people is hard, what about animals. Humane societies need people to walk the dogs, do animal care. Even with a back issue, you can sit and pet the cats. I hope your therapist can help guide you to making small changes, new patterns, and building on them. Once you are out of the house for a bit, it might make Dad uncomfortable but he will learn to manage too.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, well I actually got out of the house before COVID, and then that pushed my agoraphobia into overdrive, been pretty dysfunctional since then, and it even affects me getting medical help, which I know is no good, and needs to be resolved. Yeah, it pretty much sucks, but if I stop trying to work with my Dad so much, and get all these toxic people people out of my life, then it will free up so much energy to work on my own issues. So it actually feels more possible now.

The loneliness has been crushing, lost a lot of friends recently, to the point where I have none. Some of them were toxic, and abusive, and I'm glad I'm out of those, but it's still more lonely this way. My friend killed himself and the other friend I had seemed to run away from his old life, because he lived with my friend who killed himself.

Another friendship didn't work out, because she wasn't honest with me throughout. But also, I totally see how my own boundary, loneliness and abandonment issues are damaging my relationships, even though normally, I have good self control and detachment. Sometimes I just feel needy and cross the line, even though I'm constantly struggling to not do that. Also, the codependency can cause me to try to help/fix people too much and that's no good for my relationships either. It all normally starts off well, but eventually I get too wrapped up in people.

I actually normally cope with loneliness well, because I'll just journal a ton and work through any issues I have, and be in a better mood, and it's always easy to connect to others when you're in a good mood, even if it's just online. But my issues lately have been so much, that I'm often in a horrible mood.

My back issue was really bad, the pain was horrible for months, could barely function or walk to be honest. But I lift weights, stretch and exercise and it seems to help. Although lately it seems a bit worse.

Thanks for your sympathy Riv3rW0lf! It helps. Yeah it's sucked to be honest, it has really sucked lately. But I really do try to ground myself, and work on my attitude, because I don't want to suffer more than I have to.

--------------------

Hey Wendy, yeah, well I know I need to desensitize myself to going outside, so really that's where this all starts and it's going to require persistence and patience, and not being hard on myself. I've told multiple counselors about it and they just tell me what I already know, which is to desensitize myself to it. They aren't very helpful to be honest.

I think one of the problems in the past, is that I felt guilty when I felt incapable of helping others when I was out, because of my fears? I could barely be out for myself, let alone anyone else. Then I'd push myself into ditches and sabotage myself out of frustration and guilt. Really gotta stop feeling overly responsible for the world, and start accepting my limitations.

I mean, to me, it's not even a matter of where I go at this point, it's going anywhere that matters. But the hard part is my back is a limiting factor right now, but walking could actually improve the health of my back, so it might work out if I try?

Good suggestions on maybe moving stuff in my room, if I need to. I've considered that before, seems like a good solution.

Oh, you're right, I think we're in a dysfunctional dynamic, and we'd probably both do better if I stayed away more and worked on myself. I do see how I can get up in his stuff a bit much, but it's just so frustrating to me when he's so insensitive, or selfish, or when he doesn't wanna help with the pets. But really, I need to just do what I can and butt out, because I think it disempowers him to do all of that.

Thanks for your response too. Any suggestions or input are welcome.

[Riv3rW0lf]

From what I understand from reading you, the pandemic has really taken a huge toll on you. I am so very sorry to hear about your friend.

A book that really helped me is: From surviving to thriving. This author has put in words how my own healing process had started, and it was from a small cat I bought, who quickly became the first sentient being I could safely emotionally connect to, which in the end was what I needed. I had had relationships with men prior to this, but I would always end up sabotaging them; truth is I wasn't ready to safely connect to anyone, because I wasn't connected to my self.

The problem I see right now is you don't seem to have that safe emotional connection and maybe never had it? Parents are supposed to provide that for us, but for various reasons, some can't, as they are emotionally shut down themselves, or immature. And they won't change, we have to provide this parental validation for ourselves, which takes time, and a lot of self acceptance and compassion.

Breaking our own walls, when feeling this intense loneliness, can be brutal to say the least. I also struggled with huge abandonment issues. I was a lot to deal with, and I also always chose people to relive my own trauma.

In the end, what I needed, was a first safe friend. A therapist can be that for you, but indeed, not all therapists are equal. The one I had didn't help much either, to be honest, even forgot my name after 6 months with him . We truly have to shop around to find one we can truly trust.

This forum is a good place to start, in from Surviving to thriving, the author highlighted, and it made me realize I wasn't broken, that it is normal for some people to feel safer online, or on the phone. You have to start with what feels good and safe for you, and build on that.

It's hard to be seen in this world sometimes. But it seems like you are in a good place mentally right now to better yourself.

I think Notwendy gave a lot of good insights and suggestions. I do think it is not only the walking part, but maybe the caring for pets part that might actually help the most? To fill this need you have to help, and get unconditional love and trust back. It sounds weird to me now just how significant the role of my cat was in kickstarting my healing journey, but she truly helped... She felt safe to me.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, yeah COVID was horrible, between the paranoia of getting sick, then my one dog got really old and wasn't eating, and I was busting my butt to get him to eat, he died, and my other dog went blind and developed diabetes (it's genetic, not diet based), and I had to learn how to care for him, and my Dad did help, but he was generally being apathetic, and not rising to the occasion at all. They are basically his dogs too.

Totally agree, my current plan is to connect to my pets more and take care of myself, and work on the agoraphobia. Like, I actually can be emotionally open to people, am all the time. I can get some level of intimacy with strangers because of it, but it's limited, because it's normally casual interactions. I don't even feel ready for new/close friendships, because I'm not ready to risk and trust a lot, until I heal from the losses I've already suffered, and I don't think I could address my issues enough to succeed at it right now, anyways. I do connect to my pets normally, but lately I feel disconnected a lot, so it hasn't been super therapeutic, even when I spend time with them. Totally agree though, genuine connections and friendships would help me a lot, but I need to pick the right people to be friends with, and have healthy boundaries, for that to ever work out.

My counselor is pretty good, gives me compliments all the time, cares about what I'm going through, but every counselor has strengths and weaknesses, I suppose he does have some short comings sometimes, when it comes it helping with my specific issues. But when you're on free mental health care in America, you're rarely gonna get a top notch counselor, I've had 2 in my entire life, and that's out of probably 15-20?

Thanks for caring.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I wanted to update and thank you both for listening to me vent and responding, even though it was a lot to get through. It helped a lot to get all that off my chest. I feel less out of control, but still struggling.

I talked to my counselor yesterday too, which helped quite a bit, he was very validating of what I have been going through and called it a form of domestic abuse, and acknowledged that I've been gaslighted a lot.

Today, I'm trying to relax and mostly not talk to my Dad, I feel kind of depressed I guess, from the anxiety burnout, plus the fact that it disturbs me and causes me to feel sad, that my Dad would intentionally torment me, just to try to control things. And that his intentions were selfish, and cruel. I don't know what to think, I suppose not everything he's done has had poor intentions, but the fact that I'll never know, and that I have to question it this much, is very disheartening.

I'm still focusing on my own life more, socializing online more, getting out of the house a bit (slow progress), and spending time with the cat and dog. I feel like I'm gaining more independence, but the change is quite hard and painful.

[Couscous]

I talked to my counselor yesterday too, which helped quite a bit, he was very validating of what I have been going through and called it a form of domestic abuse, and acknowledged that I've been gaslighted a lot.

I agree with your counselor, and what this means is that your top priority would be to get your dad out of your house and then could get a roommate if you need help paying the bills. Is your counselor going to be able to help you with that or connect you with domestic violence resources?

I assume your dad gets enough in SS to at least be able to rent a room somewhere, even if that’s temporary while he saves up money for first and last month’s rent plus deposit, for a place of his own, which he can easily do by getting a job. With the current labor shortage he could find a job by the end of the week.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Couscous, might be a good long term goal. Depends on his behavior, right now he is leaving me alone. I'm not going to easily trust him or spend much time with him, I may never trust him.

But I'm on SSI, if I get a tenant, I don't even get the rent money, SSI would get it, they screw you if you get anything. The tenant would probably help less financially with the pets, maybe even with some of the bills, and, with my back being not 100%, I need help with chores, although I am doing more. On top of that, I don't drive, and have agoraphobia. Way too many factors make it untenable to do that. We depend on each other a lot, but I'm working towards more independence. Forcing the issue now would be a last resort.

[Couscous]

Oh wow, you certainly are in a difficult place. What are your plans for gaining more independence?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, my back is kind of getting a bit better, I'm trying to do more chores and then walk, although I'm barely getting outside right now. So my goal is to walk more so I can be more independent. Then I can spend less time at home and socialize. And also just staying in my room more helps. Like, I was actually telling him how I felt a lot, I can't do that anymore, because manipulators/gaslighters use that all against you. And besides, I wouldn't want to open up to someone that's sick enough to screw with someone this bad, just to control them, or out of sadistic glee.

I'm gonna have to find different places to express my emotions and socialize. I mean, I already did, but I'm going to have to do it a lot more.