Hello I'm new here

[parent89]

I'm new here, and this is the first community I'm joining to connect with others and get support.

From the very beginning I sensed that something was off about my relationship with my spouse. It wasn't anything specific, but a gut feeling that I should run away. But I suppressed my feelings, and skip 8 years forward I'm now 4 years married and we have a 1.5 yr old boy.

Looking back over the 8 years, we never had a healthy relationship. So many things were not right, from me feeling that she was actively disconnecting me from friends and family to making me feel responsible for her emotions. Most pressing was this nagging sense that that I'm dealing with an emotional black hole that won't be satisfied no matter how much I give.

Since our son was born, everything got so much worse, and I started to wake up to what was going on. Right after he was born, I knew that I didn't want to have more kids with her. I think it was just something instinctual from observing her taking care of an infant. When he was a little older, things became more clear. I noticed how she would get upset when I spend time with my son which meant I didn't spend time with her. She sits next to me when I'm playing with him, and says over and over: "You're ignoring me, you're not acknowledging my feelings."

Things got really bad when she started raging when my son was around. One day I was holding him and she started yelling at me for ignoring her. She put her middle finger up at me, and told me to "Go PLEASE READ myself." All while our son was in my arms.

It's clear that I can't go on like this. Our son brought that out in me, but I also have to realize that I gave myself up and stopped creating and enforcing boundaries a long time ago.

I started talking to her about separation and divorce 3 months ago, before I read books about high-conflict people, and BPD. I also let her go on a family trip with my son before I knew about BPD because I was starting to break down emotionally. It was incredibly hard to let him go with her, but at the same time I have witnessed a loving and caring side of her, and she was a nurturing mother before this recent crisis started. The time apart has given me space to recover some, learn about BPD, and start making plans for a divorce. At the same time I'm incredibly worried about the impact this trip had on the bond with my son.

I still feel like I don't quite know how to get out of this. At the moment I do feel some strength from learning how to set boundaries with her and enforcing him. I'm most scared about protecting our son. In the past, when she raged with me, the only resort was to leave the house. I have never witnessed her abusing our son, but when she rages at me when my son is around, it is emotional abuse for him as well, and that needs to stop.

The thing I'm most scared about is how to divorce her and not damage my son. I'm reading the book "Splitting", and it is helpful to have a guide to prepare. But while we still live under the same room, I need to start standing up for myself, and protecting my son from her out-of-control states. I do believe she has it in her to be a nurturing mother, but I need to stop denying and downplaying the effects her illness has on my son's and my own life.

I'm glad I found this community, and I hope I can learn, act, and heal.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi parent89, welcome to the group -- it's a good thing to reach out for support as you ponder where you want to go with your relationship.

You're not alone in coping with things getting worse after having a kid with a spouse with BPD traits and behaviors. Many members here could probably say "Yes, my spouse said the exact same thing as yours -- that I was ignoring him/her when I paid attention to the kids".

It sounds like this was a turning point or eye opening moment for you:

Things got really bad when she started raging when my son was around. One day I was holding him and she started yelling at me for ignoring her. She put her middle finger up at me, and told me to "Go PLEASE READ myself." All while our son was in my arms.

That must have hurt to see.

While divorcing a pwBPD (person with BPD) isn't "boilerplate", as you've probably learned from reading Splitting, it is possible to make it "less worse".

One of those ways is to manage conflict while you guys are still together. Posting here on the "Bettering A Relationship"  board is good for learning tools and skills to make things the best they can be while you're in this limbo. You can check out our library of links on Managing Conflict and see what looks helpful for turning down the emotional temperature in the next few weeks and months. Don't hesitate to post questions about using those approaches here on the Bettering board.

Another way to make it "less worse" is to check out our Conflicted/Divorce/Family Law board. Many members there have been through it and are on the other side, and there's a lot of "I did it so you don't have to" wisdom over there. Feel free to post separation/divorce/custody questions over there.

...

Couple of questions for you as we get to know you:

-did she come back from the road trip with your son?

-do you work from home, or can you? What kind of time are you able to spend with your son?

...

It's OK to slow down, take a breath, and be strategic about what's best for you and your son long term. No pressure to make any decisions or set any timeline right now. You can continue building that strong bond with your son as you read and learn more about managing conflict and pondering divorce.

Keep us in the loop on how things are going;

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the BPD family.  You have written some pretty alarming stuff.

"we have a 1.5 yr old boy."

"The thing I'm most scared about is how to divorce her and not damage my son."

You are in a terrible situation.  I am a codependent and cannot bring myself to divorce.  However, as you are considering this, please be aware that your son is only 1.5 years old, how much do you remember from that age?  More than likely it is none, so divorcing now, really won't affect him emotionally; however, if you gain full custody that would be ideal.  However, most courts favor the mom.  And if she gets full custody, or majority custody that is going to be very dangerous to your son's emotional development.

You need to document, and you need to record your wife in these behaviors, as the courts won't believe you as it will be a case of he said and she said if you don't have any proof of your allegations.  It sucks to be in this position.

Also, don't telegraph your intent to your wife; otherwise, she may make false allegations of child abuse, this is a common tactic for women who are moms and want to keep the kids away for their father's who have their best interests in mind. 

Do find a 'high conflict' divorce attorney that specializes in Cluster B personalities and follow their instructions. 

[CodaDad]

First of all sorry for the typos I’m voice texting. I was in almost your exact situation 8 years ago. i’ll try to be brief with my suggestion since you’re asking. First consider joining a codependents anonymous group or zoom meetings; read “stop walking on eggshells,” study up on the tools in this website, read up on insecure attachment to see if you have those traits, and this page has peer support zoom groups: https://groups.io/g/MovingForward

After that you’re going to work on trusting your new healthier instincts and creating proper  boundaries. Hopefully your partner does not abuse alcohol like mine did by the way. But if youre lucky, the healthy changes you make for yourself, and your reduced enabling and increased self care  might cause then to seek professional help and you have hope. If they do not acknowledge their issue, whatever it is (be sure  you dont diagnose them), then all I can say is The other road of divorce as a last resort  is scary and difficult but I am here to prove it is possible to survive and thrive. Now here I am with sole custody of a awesome little nine-year-old boy whose mother went completely off the rails after our divorce. No my son‘s journey will not be perfect or easy— but no meaningful journey is! Someday he will have to unpack the  baggage his mom sprung on him, but in the meantime I kept my side of the street clean to give him the best odds of happiness I could! Good luck to you friend!