Gaslighting therapists

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my prior T spent a lot of time trying to convince me that the feelings I was having when my family was busy ejecting me from the family, which is in fact a form of domestic violence, all stemmed from my early childhood experiences and that all it was was emotional flashbacks -- and that I had probably felt these feelings before. Well, I respectfully disagree with him. I cannot recall ever having any of these feelings in childhood and any Cptsd symptoms that I may now have are probably all due to what I have been through in the past few years. I definitely have plenty of other issues stemming from my childhood, but Cptsd is not one of them.

What I was actually experiencing was present day abuse, plain and simple. I certainly experienced some amount of emotional neglect in childhood, like 90% of the world's population that don't live in a hunter-gatherer tribe. What I was experiencing was a normal and natural reaction to some really toxic behavior. Shunning has been practiced for centuries and is considered the worst punishment you can inflict on a human being, and my T just tried to rationalize what they were doing and give me some humanist explanation for their behavior, and would even question my version of conversations that I had in black and white in the form of text messages and emails to the point I asked him if I should forward him the emails if he didn't believe me. When my father accused me of trying to destroy my brother, he actually questioned me about whether or not he had used that exact word, and he kept trying to make the case that it takes two to tango, and that I wasn't so perfect myself, although not in those words. He flat out denied that their behavior was abusive. 

It took me SIX months to finally terminate therapy with him after I realized that he was acting as a codependent agent of my family, all because I didn't want to hurt his feelings because when I tried to address some of things with him in a non-blaming way he had such a sheepish look and seemed so rattled that I began to feel sorry for him even after he claimed this could all be explained by transference, and that he of course was completely innocent. Even if that were somehow true, that's actually what you are supposed to do in therapy!

The good news is that I have new T who has already validated after giving just a few anecdotes, that my family's behavior is quite aggressive and that working on my boundaries, especially my internal ones, is something that we would need to focus on. 

[Couscous]

So my prior T spent a lot of time trying to convince me that the feelings I was having when my family was busy ejecting me from the family, which is in fact a form of domestic violence, all stemmed from my early childhood experiences and that all it was was emotional flashbacks -- and that I had probably felt these feelings before. Well, I respectfully disagree with him. I cannot recall ever having any of these feelings in childhood and any Cptsd symptoms that I may now have are probably all due to what I have been through in the past few years. I definitely have plenty of other issues stemming from my childhood, but Cptsd is not one of them.

What I was actually experiencing was present day abuse, plain and simple. I certainly experienced some amount of emotional neglect in childhood, like 90% of the world's population that don't live in a hunter-gatherer tribe. What I was experiencing was a normal and natural reaction to some really toxic behavior. Shunning has been practiced for centuries and is considered the worst punishment you can inflict on a human being, and my T just tried to rationalize what they were doing and give me some humanist explanation for their behavior, and would even question my version of conversations that I had in black and white in the form of text messages and emails to the point I asked him if I should forward him the emails if he didn't believe me. When my father accused me of trying to destroy my brother, he actually questioned me about whether or not he had used that exact word, and he kept trying to make the case that it takes two to tango, and that I wasn't so perfect myself, although not in those words. He flat out denied that their behavior was abusive. 

It took me SIX months to finally terminate therapy with him after I realized that he was acting as a codependent agent of my family, all because I didn't want to hurt his feelings because when I tried to address some of things with him in a non-blaming way he had such a sheepish look and seemed so rattled that I began to feel sorry for him even after he claimed this could all be explained by transference, and that he of course was completely innocent. Even if that were somehow true, that's actually what you are supposed to do in therapy!

The good news is that I have new T who has already validated after giving just a few anecdotes, that my family's behavior is quite aggressive and that working on my boundaries, especially my internal ones, is something that we would need to focus on. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yeah, definitely not all therapists are equal... I think I read somewhere, and it was mentioned here before as well, that a lot of narcissists actually become therapists.

Sounds like your T had issues of their own, maybe something was triggering him in those texts about his own life. Who knows what happens for them ? They are humans like us, and they certainly don't have all the answers ! I met a lot of psychologists that were terrible human beings, condescending, looking at the world through a lenses of analysis to keep themselve from looking at themselves.

Some are good, genuine, empathetic beings with lots of expertise that can truly help, but we really have to shop around.

I suspect my brother is a communal narcissist, he became a life coach and is the guru of some kind of community he built. With my mother, he gave me advices that led to me engaging with her, and then when she downright abused me, told me it was "her truth". And I see what he meant, but he wouldn't recognize the abuse, and told me I have to love her, it's our "mommy". And he kept trying to send me back into an emotional discussion with her, getting me to open my heart... Which clearly doesn't work !

My H got so angry, and said :"how many people did he send back to their abuser by using their empathy against them?" And he was right, this is exactly what he does. Instead of empowering his clients, he keeps them in the abuse cycle under the guise of growth... But no one can grow through constant emotional and narcissistic abuse, you have to get the   out and work on boundaries and becoming yourself, earn your place in this world...

I get that I am his sister so maybe he treated my situation different, but I doubt it. We are not that close.

So yeah... A good T is worth the shopping around.

[2of3]

I’ve heard so many stories about poor therapists that I’m very cynical.  Glad to hear you’ve found one that is supporting you

[SaltyDawg]

yes, there are some very bad T's out there.  Almost all of them are in the field because they are resolving their own issues, or they are the caretaker partner of someone with issues and they have some issues themselves.

If I were a betting man, even though the official numbers are much less, I would say ~99% of all T's have their own mental health issues to some degree somewhere on the spectrum from high-functioning to very toxic.

All licensed T's are humans, and as humans, they can and do make mistakes, especially as their branch of medicine is still in its infancy in many areas.

My previous couple's T, practiced a boatload of countertransference on me, including gaslighting, as she believed my uBPDw false narrative and didn't believe mine, at least not for the first two years.  However, when I presented my theories, and steered the conversations so my wife would reveal her contradictory and false statements, things slowly changed.  However, as the T founded her treatment of our couple's therapy on my wife's false narratives, and when she finally saw the light that my wife was lying to her [I could see the confusion on the T's face each and every time my wife did something contrary to what my wife had previously told her], she ghosted us instead of admitting that she was wrong, even though she strongly hinted she was wrong, but didn't actually admit it.  She also took the dramatic step of trying to make things right by giving me several tools to use with the new T that would replace her, and my wife's individual T, and there has been progress because of that.

This couple's T, botched my wife's most recent suicide attempt, and did not recommend her to be admitted or evaluated.

So, please learn from my mistakes of being with a poor T for 3 years.  If you aren't clicking, move on and go to the next one -- unless it is your partner who is bringing you in to get fixed [as was my case].  If it seems to be working, and there is no progress, or some progress and it regresses after 90-180 days, move on, and find another.  Please don't wait 1000+ days like I did.

[Notwendy]

I have had T's of varying skill with my own situations. I think if someone isn't helping you, then it's time to move on.

As far as working with someone with BPD, T's aren't mind readers and rely on what the client tells them. They don't really have any other way to know what is going on exactly. My BPD mother has had a lot of therapy over the years. While my father showed restraint in speaking about her, eventually as I got older, I asked questions. Why can't the therapists help her?

His reply- she lies to them.

And she does, she lies a lot, to everyone but I think it's not all lying to her but her own distorted views. Projection and denial are a part of the disorder. She sees herself as a victim and any problems are someone else's issue. So it's not a surprise she spends her time in T discussing how my father, or her children, or whoever is upsetting her at the time must be the reason.

I don't blame the T's for being ineffective with her. If she doesn't believe she needs their assistance for her own issues and isn't willing to work on them, they can't help.