Tips and tricks of sharing your negative emotions with a BPD?

[Outdorenthusiast]

So reading about codependency - and getting your own needs met, vs prioritizing others - I find myself stumbling.  Healthy couples emotionally support each other.   Sharing my emotional “ups” of a day with my uBPDw is easy.  How to share the “downs” of sad, angry, fear, or other unpleasant emotions - not so much.  She gets overwhelmed and deregulates.  I realize that this emotional need of mine isn’t being met by my wife and I am prioritizing her emotional needs over my emotional needs. (A codependency trait I would like to fix)

Ramping it up - if there are things where she is the one causing my negative emotions - and I try to share - then the paint really peels off the walls! Her self loathing really kicks in.   So I find myself avoiding those conflicts unless absolutely necessary and I really pick my battles and emotionally bury a lot which is unhealthy.

So the question is - is it possible to successfully share negative emotions with BPD in a positive manner without causing an explosion/melt down/shut down?  If so how?  For decades I have relied upon friends/family as a bandaid to get my emotional “venting” needs met.  I am missing a nonBPD tool somewhere?  Tips/Tricks anyone?

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[Notwendy]

Maybe others have a more positive experience but my own conclusion is that, it's not possible due to several issues. One is the tendency towards projection and denial, and another one is victim perspective. When someone is in victim perspective, others are either persecutors or rescuers. Approaching with emotions to share- negative ones- puts you in a position of need- another victim in a sense if you feel the pwBPD is the source of them- and that doesn't work when someone is already feeling like a victim.

PwBPD use projection and denial to manage their own negative emotions. Adding yours to that is likely to get more projection and denial, an emotional storm projected right back at you. Consider if someone has difficulty managing their own emotions, they would not be able to manage adding yours to that.

With my BPD mother, emotional caretaking is a one way situation. Sometimes she might ask about my feelings but I see that as an invitation to drama, something that will not be resolved well and more likely to result in me feeling regretful that I even said something in the first place. As to emotional closeness, I think you are correct that this one way situation makes it hard to be close. I keep an emotional distance from her, something that would be challenging in a marital situation.

[kells76]

Hi Outdorenthusiast, that's an important question to ask -- and as Notwendy relates, "success" may depend on the individual pwBPD. Some pwBPD may, under structured circumstances, be able to process what is being requested and make changes. Other pwBPD, such as Notwendy's mother, may not have that capability or desire. You will probably learn through multiple experiences and trial/error what your W is capable of and willing to do.

A way to start could be a really structured communication technique such as DEARMAN -- you can check out our workshop on the DEARMAN technique for communication and decide if you want to try that approach.

The intro did strike me as applicable to your situation:

After wandering in the FOG for a long time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

The nice thing about that workshop is it offers some compare/contrast with the SET approach as well. Basically, many people use DEARMAN to assertively ask for something needed. SET is more often used to say what is or is not going to happen. It can take practice to have these approaches feel more natural and "smooth", so feel free to post here for practice if that helps.

Again, these aren't "magic wands" -- a lot can depend on just who your W is. Let us know what seems to work and what doesn't -- maybe we can then help brainstorm some other approaches to try.

-kells76

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with not Wendy and Kells.

For each person with borderline it all depends on their current emotional state. If they are triggered, or the circumstances are good for being triggered such as being tired later on in a day hungry hangry, irritated, bad experience at work, or some other variable that you cannot control.

So the best time for me is to corner her in the beginning of the day when she is less likely to be triggered, and then ever so gingerly using "I" Pronouns to describe what is on my mind.  And even then my emotional needs are not met.

For the time being; however, i'm using our couples counselor to get my point across where the couples counselor is an arbiter between me and her. Ideally I'd like to wean off with this process, however, that is up to my wife on how she behaves.

I too am using this forum, some Facebook groups, and I found an online friend, who found me, where I can vent my frustrations where that friend is going through something very similar that I am.

[Husband2014]

What I find really weird about my situation is my wife LOVES picking up other people when they are down and would spend hours listening and offering support but for me it’s almost like she’s happy something bad is happening and goes spiraling south.

[Outdorenthusiast]

… my wife LOVES picking up other people when they are down and would spend hours listening and offering support but for me it’s almost like she’s happy something bad is happening and goes spiraling south.

Same!  - How common is this?  My wife is like a magnet for sob stories and people will randomly pour out their souls to her. However, if I share a negative emotion (even tepid, or cautiously) - she triggers and melts down.

[Outdorenthusiast]

…If they are triggered, or the circumstances are good for being triggered such as being tired later on in a day hungry hangry, irritated, bad experience at work, or some other variable that you cannot control.

So the best time for me is to corner her in the beginning of the day when she is less likely to be triggered, and then ever so gingerly using "I" Pronouns to describe what is on my mind.  And even then my emotional needs are not met.

SD - your experience is the same as mine.  
My Tips/tricks are:
1) Find when she is in a good mood (avoid when she is drained/fragile - which is a lot)
2) Use “I” statements
3) Keep it limited, specific, and focused (I didn’t know that this was called DEARMAN tactic (Thanks Kells!) I guess I was doing it naturally.
4) Use SET on her reactive responses
5) Guide the conversation to keep it on topic (so it doesn’t turn back on me)
6) Keep it short and have a conversation exit strategy/activity to change the mood/distract

However this always triggers her self loathing/defense/deflection and I feel it is extraordinarily challenging sharing negative emotions so I reserve it for the big stuff, or when I have reached a point emotionally where I don’t care about the consequences anymore.

[SaltyDawg]

Outdoorenthusiast,

Thank you for sharing, it is really appreciated.

All excellent points, I am still muddling my way through figuring out how to navigate her emotions.  Thank you for putting it in a concise list, it makes it much clearer on how to handle my wife's over the top emotions.  It's getting better, but I have a way to go.

SD