Avoiding Hatred, and other toxic mind states?

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I recently realized that 2 (maybe 3) friends were Narcissists, and then realized a lot of intentionally abusive behavior in my Dad, and that he probably is too.

So I get that my own codependent behaviors, anxieties, and boundary/control issues have contributed to this. I understand that they all had terrible childhoods that led to this. I've felt compassion/sympathy for them before. And I'm generally objective and rarely fall into hatred at all, as I've forgiven most of the people in my life.

But lately I have this happen. I fall into feeling betrayed on such a deep and personal level that I feel distrustful, that leads to suspicion, suspicion leads to analyzing, and analyzing leads to reinterpreting a lot of things, and feels like it's all so screwed up. I feel helpless to what happened and scared it will happen again, which can lead to paranoia, hatred and wanting power over them, over anyone who would do this to me.

Also my self esteem is crap, maybe because of the hatred? Or maybe their abuse screwed me up this bad, because all the denial I had for what they did? I dunno, just feels like I focus on it all a lot and feel quite bitter, and see the worst in things a lot.

Which is odd, because I normally have really high self esteem, a lot of love to give, and work through grief emotions in a healthy way. I guess I also don't feel so safe at home with my Dad, and scared if I fall into extreme hardship, he could abuse me. But there's no reasonable escape right now, I suppose I have knowledge and options, so it's not completely hopeless, I just feel tired of being so vigilant, I need to relax.

I know this will all help me grow as a person, and I've already seen many of my own mistakes, shortcomings, issues, and the benefits of this, but it's hard to remain positive when you feel so betrayed.

[SinisterComplex]

So just to chime in...I am paying attention. Instead of advice though...you just need to keep venting and you need an audience and someone to listen to you. I haven't responded until now on purpose...I was waiting to see if there would be more to come. Nonetheless...please do yourself a favor...chillax! Seriously you have to be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Now...just to move the conversation and dialogue along...why is your self-esteem crap? What makes you say that? I see you asking questions, but what do you think is the root cause? Have you always had a battle with self-esteem?

Please continue to vent and share. We are watching and listening.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey SC, actually, my self-esteem is pretty good normally, like, I've learned a lot of wisdom that has allowed me to really appreciate all of my skills and talents, and to love myself and show myself compassion (although the codependency is honestly not very compassionate)

I mean, like, my self esteem is bad right now for a couple of reasons, I've been disregarded so much by these people, that I thought cared about me. I'm pretty severely trauma bonded with my Dad, I didn't even realize it, but he's been gaslighting and psychologically and even physically abusing me (when I was injured) for years.

I think the complexities of the trauma bond with him affect my self esteem, like he can do stuff and it triggers self esteem issues, he can do stuff, and it triggers self doubt, he can do stuff and it causes me to feel trapped, angry and scared. And all the projection causes me to either fall into extreme anger, or if I reject the anger, then I feel discombobulated, and worthless. (I guess because I have blamed myself for his abuse, so like it either gets inverted onto me, or directed justifiably at him)

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I'm not saying I'm not hurt about everything, or people haven't been cruel to me. But I'm realizing my own mistakes more. My own dysfunction, hell even my own abusive behavior. Mainly I can get too controlling when I care too much, and try too hard, which ends up hurting me, and hence hurting my compassion and behavior, because I neglect myself, also during high stress periods, my behavior can deteriorate, because I can only take so much. Also, I think if you help too much, then you kind of infantilize people, and disempower them too much.

Also, I realized 2/4 people who I thought were full blown Narcissists really aren't. I just got burned and mistreated by 2 recently, and did a bunch of research on gaslighting and Narcissism,, and ended up assuming the worst in a lot of people, and being paranoid. I'm just glad the paranoia has worn off for the most part, so I can finally relax and heal and live life. Not saying I 100% trust my Dad, but I think I can trust him some, and our relationship is so screwed up for a lot of reasons, including because of me.

Really, equanimity is about proper priorities, empowering yourself and others to succeed and fail, when you can, but also accepting everyone's limitations sometimes. I think I've had a serious breakdown of that sometimes. Where I'm expecting too much of people, especially myself, and not having proper priorities.

Anyways, maybe this is off topic for this board, I need to heal now.

[SinisterComplex]

Well, I'm not saying I'm not hurt about everything, or people haven't been cruel to me. But I'm realizing my own mistakes more. My own dysfunction, hell even my own abusive behavior. Mainly I can get too controlling when I care too much, and try too hard, which ends up hurting me, and hence hurting my compassion and behavior, because I neglect myself, also during high stress periods, my behavior can deteriorate, because I can only take so much. Also, I think if you help too much, then you kind of infantilize people, and disempower them too much.

Also, I realized 2/4 people who I thought were full blown Narcissists really aren't. I just got burned and mistreated by 2 recently, and did a bunch of research on gaslighting and Narcissism,, and ended up assuming the worst in a lot of people, and being paranoid. I'm just glad the paranoia has worn off for the most part, so I can finally relax and heal and live life. Not saying I 100% trust my Dad, but I think I can trust him some, and our relationship is so screwed up for a lot of reasons, including because of me.

Really, equanimity is about proper priorities, empowering yourself and others to succeed and fail, when you can, but also accepting everyone's limitations sometimes. I think I've had a serious breakdown of that sometimes. Where I'm expecting too much of people, especially myself, and not having proper priorities.

Anyways, maybe this is off topic for this board, I need to heal now.

You are fine. I will respond a little bit later today. Be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks for the reminder SC, I will.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for the reminder SC, I will.

The most important thing for you to do is to truly just vent and let it out. From what I see...you have too much trapped inside and you just need to air it out. Don't worry about being too much, etc. This is the perfect space and platform for it. In truth this may be the best vehicle for you to express yourself and let go of all that weight which binds you down.

In truth I am just furthering the conversation for you so you can respond and put your feelings and thoughts in front of you. Please continue to share and vent.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks for the reminder. I guess I just haven't felt like I had a right to, because I have so much going on recently, so many loses that I don't know where the appropriate place to talk about it all is and it all comes out as a mish mash. And no one tends to respond. Probably because I've got so much recent baggage, that I appear to be much more disordered than I normally am.

So basically, I had a neighbor friend, who turned out to probably have BPD. I just feel so angry that she would neglect a bunch of cats until they ran away or died, and especially the fact that she tried so many manipulation tactics on me for freaking years, and it's caused me to be so suspicious of people. Plus the girl online probably had it too, who was my friend did a bunch of that too.

And my Dad has been using some of them on me too, I guess because I've been too critical, and was super dominating when our dog was dying and the other had diabetes, and it was COVID. I know it was wrong how I treated him, I would even call it abusive, but I just had so much fear, and was scared for everyone that I loved and myself, and it just kinda ruined our lives to be honest. We're both so codependent and dysunctional because of that.

I really don't think it's right what my Dad has done. It really bothers me a lot when people aren't honest, I guess because it's something I've always valued highly, because I feel like, it's impossible to navigate relationships and life without a ton of honesty. But you know, I think maybe I'm too critical about that too, because there was times in my life where I've had too much shame to be honest.

And on top of that, I became close to my friends mom, when he killed himself, and she was probably the best friendship I've ever had. And I've tried to apply all the wisdom and skills I have to really help all of these people, and it's all worked out so poorly, even though I was very skilled at navigating suffering, because I've navigated so much of my own. I think I helped them all.

But in the end, my own neglect of myself damaged a lot of things with these people. I felt paranoid, because I felt so susceptible to manipulations, I just cared too much, and it's hard to detach and stop sometimes, especially when people are suffering so much. And I love that about myself, but I also don't, because I'm so tired of being the martyr. I'm so tired of my compassion running out of control and ruining me. I'm so tired of feeling so betrayed by people, because I get too wrapped up in people who can't reciprocate, and help fulfill some of my needs.

I just feel so wrecked. I had to cut out 2 people with BPD, and then detach from my Dad because our relationship is just so bad right now, because we're so dysfunctional and codependent. And I don't really know where to turn for help. I talked to my counselor, and my sis the other day and it helped, and I'm doing what I can, but it's just too much to bare, it feels like.

My life has gone like: COVID, dog getting diabetes and sick, other dog getting sick and dying, back getting injured, friend committing suicide and now basically 4 loses. And I have no support network, because I'm isolated from my agoraphobia. It's all just taken a toll on me. I actually recovered from all of them, because I know how to work through my emotions, but feeling so isolated is wrecking me. I can handle a lot on my own, but not all of it. It's just too much.

[SinisterComplex]

And this is why I keep reminding you and checking in. This is exactly what you need to do. Trust me I pay attention here intently ;-). However, as opposed to advice and me taking the stage this is your show and I am merely a vehicle to push you forward. Do not feel ashamed, guilty, etc when it comes to sharing here. Yes your feelings are your feelings and they are valid my friend, but here this is a safe place and get out what you have to. We have your back here and you don't have to worry about judgment or any of that here. Besides if anyone was cutting out of line and in response to you we do a good job keeping everyone in line so we function as a family here. The staff here as well as our other members all care and we all get it and are respectful to one another.

You have a lot of hurt to unpack and newsflash my friend...you are human and you are only 1 human...meaning no you cannot take on the whole world alone and by yourself. That is unrealistic. That is why you see me mentioning to be kind to you and take care of yourself...something commonly overlooked and taken for granted.

You cannot keep all this negativity, hurt, and pain locked away inside. The floor and stage is still yours my friend...We are all paying attention and listening. Let this fam have your back. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey SC, thank you so much for saying that. I have been feeling so ashamed lately, I dunno why. I actually normally validate myself a lot, and love myself a lot. I think I just feel so degraded and betrayed by all of the abuse and manipulations, that it causes me to feel so unloved and in the gutter.

I thought these people had my best interest at heart, even if they didn't pull it off well always, but it feels like a lot of them were just looking out for themselves, and that hurts so much when I really did give it my all, and try to use all of my talents and energy to be loving to them.

And it's like, you know, even my friends mom who was a great friend, she just couldn't be honest with me, I tried so hard to be considerate and ask her if something bothered her, and her words said she wasn't, but she obviously was. I hate that, how are you supposed to work out the kinks in a friendship, without ever saying what bothers you? This is why honesty is so damned important for any meaningful relationship.

I feel like I am talking to myself, but I'm glad you're acknowledging me, so thanks for that. I really do appreciate it. I just feel so damned alone. Normally, I can handle so much alone time, because I work through my suffering, and even if I feel lonely, I can ground myself and feel some connection to people. But, it's like, there's just so much suffering now, that unless I connect to people in that space, I'm gonna feel alone a lot.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey SC, thank you so much for saying that. I have been feeling so ashamed lately, I dunno why. I actually normally validate myself a lot, and love myself a lot. I think I just feel so degraded and betrayed by all of the abuse and manipulations, that it causes me to feel so unloved and in the gutter.

I thought these people had my best interest at heart, even if they didn't pull it off well always, but it feels like a lot of them were just looking out for themselves, and that hurts so much when I really did give it my all, and try to use all of my talents and energy to be loving to them.

And it's like, you know, even my friends mom who was a great friend, she just couldn't be honest with me, I tried so hard to be considerate and ask her if something bothered her, and her words said she wasn't, but she obviously was. I hate that, how are you supposed to work out the kinks in a friendship, without ever saying what bothers you? This is why honesty is so damned important for any meaningful relationship.

I feel like I am talking to myself, but I'm glad you're acknowledging me, so thanks for that. I really do appreciate it. I just feel so damned alone. Normally, I can handle so much alone time, because I work through my suffering, and even if I feel lonely, I can ground myself and feel some connection to people. But, it's like, there's just so much suffering now, that unless I connect to people in that space, I'm gonna feel alone a lot.

I pay attention and check in when I can. Typically what happens here is many probably want to say something, but aren't quite sure how to go about it. I will typically break the ice a lot of the time and others will follow. I take the approach I am fearless and not afraid to screw up because I come from a place of caring and warmth. That is the cue for you to feel free to engage with me and tell me if I overstep without fear of causing friction. With that said...So when you feel alone here and you think you are posting to yourself you are not. You are seen and you are heard. So never be discouraged. I'll quote my personal favorite band Five Finger Death Punch here for you for some support...

"Dont look back
'Cause I got your six
Wont go down
Never gonna quit
Dont turn back
'Cause I got your six
You know I got your back"

Very powerful, very motivating and invigorating.

I'll check in again tomorrow.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Sweet, well thanks for the reminder SC. I do feel more able to express what I'm going through, so your input helped. I don't even normally listen to shame at all. So IDK why I have lately. I think maybe it's some weird trauma thing. Glad to know I'm not on the verge of getting kicked out of here or something and that people are listening. Makes me feel more at ease here. I just don't feel myself, I'm used to a lot of positive responsiveness, and instead I feel like a mess, and the change is odd for me.