Feeling very tired, shedding my skin. Seeking any advice 3

[QueenBeach420]

I live in devastation. I am trapped in my own home, a prisoner to a tyrant. My entire life it has been this way but I never truly noticed. I never realized just how constant the decay has been. Decay and decay for years and years. Melting and withering away any semblance of good soil. Safe soil for me to grow and live in from a small child to an adult. Everything was rotten.

This past Christmas I broke through a brick wall. A tumbling wall that allowed me to see the truth of my situation in all its defilement. My mother has Petulant BPD and has made my life a living hell. It has gotten so drastic that every interaction with her is an exhausting exercise in ensuring she doesn’t explode. Absolutely nothing is ever “okay” with her, there is always something wrong that someone (me) should feel bad about. And if I objectively state that “no it was x” and not some cosmic guilt trip she’s trying to place on me, the entire world explodes. Every time I think I made it through a day without one of her snide digs she always has to remind me how I PLEASE READed up that day. How today was so bad because of what I did, or how I reacted, or what I said, or all of the above. Oftentimes it’s right before bed so I can stew in it :-).

So the only days where I’m semi-peaceful are days when I barely speak to her, and simply stay up later than her in my room with my door closed so I don’t have to say goodnight. Obviously the holidays are hell for me because I need to run errands and basically give all my time to her and her needs where any minor disappointment will set her off like dynamite. So I’m playing minesweeper from Thanksgiving through New Years with all my lovely time off law school. Time to help mom find new things to make you feel horrible about. And if you get tired and talk back, you are demon spawn and you need to go to a therapist. Well I did. I don’t believe in therapy (ironic post ) but I needed some buffer.

My mother thinks I’m going to a therapist because I’m lazy, overly sensitive, and depressed about “life”. She told me this after, in a tense argument, I said “I think I need to go to therapy” in response to her basically saying something was wrong with us but it wasn’t her because it has never been and will never be her. Although it clearly is her. My brother and gf both agree 100% as to how ridiculous it is on a constant basis. She’s guilted me over everything from Wendy’s drive-thru mistakes, to “the look” on my face, to what I say, what I don’t say. Throwing temper tantrums over dishes in the sink, or how I’m responding to something she said. Anything and everything is a trigger for this woman.

So I’ve been to one therapy session and it felt good to vent but I’m still at a sad heart-wrenching standstill. I still feel utterly broken at this point as I can only wait until I graduate law school, get a job, and move out, another two years. I just don’t know what to do other than limit contact. Anybody with anything to say please feel free this was my first post I hope it can help someone here. <3

[Notwendy]

You are not alone. I hope a moderator moves this post to the "parent with BPD board" You can go ahead and read posts from those of us with a BPD parent there.

For me, financial independence was also my way of achieving independence from my parents ( and BPD mother). Attending law school is certainly a great way to achieve this, even if it prolongs your dependence- but you have a goal to reach and that is an important goal to achieve as you will be able to be entirely on your own financially as a lawyer.

I will encourage you to hang in there- and keep your sights on that goal. It would be good if you didn't have to live at home but one has to balance that with school expenses and minimizing debt that you'd need to pay back after graduation. Depending on where you are attending school, it may be feasible to move in with room mates somewhere but in some areas, rent is so prohibitive it would add to the financial stress.

I think that the strategy of minimizing contact with her is a good step. Consider that what she says to you is more reflective of her than of you, and she may be putting you down due to jealousy of what you are doing and what you will achieve. It is difficult to be accepted to law school and it's academically challenging and so, your capability and impending independence may feel threatening to her. When you succeed and finish school- you can and will leave home.

This means spending as much time away at school as possible- studying in the library, eating in the cafeteria, studying with friends, and hanging out with them after school. You likely can't avoid her entirely so when you do spend time with her - keep your conversations light and not personal. Share things that aren't emotional to you. "this teacher is so hard, he gives out the longest assignments" rather than "I am worried about my grade with this teacher" - can you see the lesser emotionality of the first statement?

It's good you are going to therapy! It can help you. Don't share this with your mother. She may know you are going to a therapist but you don't have to discuss it much or bring it up in an argument with her. It's the people who need therapy and don't think they do that are concerning. It's absolutely OK to reach out to a therapist for help.

It's normal that having a critical parent can affect your self esteem but keep in mind that she's projecting her own poor sense of self when she is being critical. You are an accomplished person and in a short time will be a lawyer with a job and a place of your own. Keep your eye on this goal.

[Couscous]

I just don’t know what to do other than limit contact.

This is actually a very good idea. I hope your therapist can work with you on defining your sense of self as a person separate from your mother and help you work on psychological separation.

If you have the bandwidth for this right now, I highly recommend the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, for lots of helpful strategies on minimizing the negative impact your mother has on your wellbeing. You could also work through this book with your therapist, because you are definitely going to need to do more than vent in a therapy session. Hopefully you’ve lucked out and found a competent therapist, but if you aren’t feeling at least a little better within a few sessions, you may need to keep shopping around, and there’s no shame in that at all.

[Couscous]

Limiting contact is actually a very good idea. And I hope your therapist can work with you on defining your sense of self as a person separate from your mother and help you work on psychological or emotional separation from her.

If you have the bandwidth for this right now, I highly recommend the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, for lots of helpful strategies on minimizing the negative impact your mother has on your wellbeing. You could also work through this book with your therapist, because you are definitely going to need to do more than vent in a therapy session. Hopefully you’ve lucked out and found a competent therapist, but if you aren’t feeling at least a little better within a few sessions, you may need to keep shopping around, and there’s no shame in that at all.