Advice..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do I cope with the following?

My 'exwbpd' and I broke things off a few weeks ago now, and I'm actually trying to recover from it now. Still heartbroken, but some of the pain is starting to leave me. I'm out on a date yesterday, and I get a text from her son. Background, she has 2 kids, one appears to be 'normal'; while the other seems to show signs of 'something' (docs said it was ADD, but.. ). Her kids and I had a great relationship. Both parents do not display the greatest of interest in their kids, which is extremely sad all on its own. I used to go to his football games in support.

Anyway, walking into the football game, and I receive a text from the son! He asks if I'm watching this other game, and I tell him that I'm walking into the Seahawks game. He asked how I was doing.. which instantly put my head into a tailspin. No, I didn't let it ruin my date, but damn! We texted several times throughout the evening (not during the date), and it was small talk.

Yes, I know that I shouldn't have responded... but I am not going to turn my back on any kid. I was explaining this situation to a friend of mine (not date), and she was like.. hmm wonder if this was mom telling him to reach out. Which we all know little games like this are played throughout relationships around the world.

Has this happened to any of you, and how did you deal with it? I started to remind myself back of the negative experiences with his mom, trying to separate the two relationships etc. I wasn't allowed to call - needed a reason to call, couldn't just call to 'check in' and see how her day was going.. If I spent the night, I had to leave early in the mornings.. cause she needed her space. It was all take take take.. Oh, and then the cheating too.

Just venting..

[Fish1974]

How do I cope with the following?

My 'exwbpd' and I broke things off a few weeks ago now, and I'm actually trying to recover from it now. Still heartbroken, but some of the pain is starting to leave me. I'm out on a date yesterday, and I get a text from her son. Background, she has 2 kids, one appears to be 'normal'; while the other seems to show signs of 'something' (docs said it was ADD, but.. ). Her kids and I had a great relationship. Both parents do not display the greatest of interest in their kids, which is extremely sad all on its own. I used to go to his football games in support.

Anyway, walking into the football game, and I receive a text from the son! He asks if I'm watching this other game, and I tell him that I'm walking into the Seahawks game. He asked how I was doing.. which instantly put my head into a tailspin. No, I didn't let it ruin my date, but damn! We texted several times throughout the evening (not during the date), and it was small talk.

Yes, I know that I shouldn't have responded... but I am not going to turn my back on any kid. I was explaining this situation to a friend of mine (not date), and she was like.. hmm wonder if this was mom telling him to reach out. Which we all know little games like this are played throughout relationships around the world.

Has this happened to any of you, and how did you deal with it? I started to remind myself back of the negative experiences with his mom, trying to separate the two relationships etc. I wasn't allowed to call - needed a reason to call, couldn't just call to 'check in' and see how her day was going.. If I spent the night, I had to leave early in the mornings.. cause she needed her space. It was all take take take.. Oh, and then the cheating too.

Just venting..

[kells76]

Hi Fish1974;

How old are the kids?

[Fish1974]

Hi Fish1974;

How old are the kids?

B - 15
G - 12

[kells76]

What was your relationship with the kids like when you and their mom were together? Am I reading right that you guys were together for a bit over a year?

[Fish1974]

Thanks for your response - yes, we were together for almost 2 years. The kids and I had a great relationship. The G experiences some social skills, but GREAT relationship still. The son and I really bonded. I'd attend his football games, toss the football with him etc.

We lived together for a few months before she had an episode, and requested that I move out. Once we gave it a "go" again, her son mentioned that he was happy because he could tell that I made his mom happy.

Course now that she fell off the wagon (recovering alcoholic too), it's impacted her thought process. Blah blah blah..

[kells76]

It sounds like S15 (and maybe D12, though it depends) is old enough to understand that while Mom isn't together with you any more, you can still care about and support him in a way that an uncle, or neighbor, or teacher, etc, could care about and support him. So, that's different than if they were younger, where they might be confused if you stayed similarly involved in their lives.

I also get what you're thinking, though, that him reaching out isn't just him reaching out. That's a sad thing about caring about kids who have a BPD parent -- you aren't wrong to suspect that Mom is behind the scenes, and things can't just be what they are at face value.

This seems like a really important discussion to have with your counselor (it's a good thing your C has some awareness of your ex's behaviors, too). I could see things going either way -- there might be a way to adjust to this "new normal" with the kids, where you step back only a bit, out of a "dad-type" role, yet remain supportive and "door is always open if you need it" -- and, the relationship is only between you and the kids. Conversely, pwBPD often "weaponize" relationships with kids to get their own needs met, with the kids getting hit the hardest from being in the middle. So, long-term it might be better for the kids if you do a "gentle closure" while they're still minors, but find a way to communicate that you'll be there for them when they're adults if they have questions or want to reach out.

Side note, to clarify, what I mean by pwBPD "weaponizing" relationships with kids to get their own needs met: an example would be if xBPD finds out that S15 is reaching out to you for support. She may not be able to handle the "gray area" of S15 caring about you and her, and may paint him into a corner of: "If you're talking to Fish1974, then you don't love me, and I'll cold-shoulder/punish you. You can only love him or me, and you must pick me over him" (probably not verbalized explicitly, but the setup might be constructed tacitly).

So, it depends on how much the kids' mom insinuates herself into those relationships and on how that impacts the kids. Sometimes you have to play the long game and find ways to get the kids out of the middle now, even if it means not having the exact relationship you want, because it's better for them not to be pulled in two different directions at these ages. Tough stuff -- I'm confident your C will have some good insight into a healthy path forward, given that background knowledge of you ex.

Let us know how things go, and I hope this helps;

kells76

[Couscous]

Sounds like he is a parentified child (red flag was asking you how you’re doing as opposed to something like, “how’s it going?”) and as such he could be trying to “help” the two of you get back together entirely of his own initiative, since it sounds like all he wants is to have a happy mom.

[Fish1974]

Thanks for your comments - really appreciate it. Helps keep me grounded and put things in perspective. I'll definitely be discussing tomorrow with my C. Just thought I'd see if anyone else has had similar experiences, and how they handled it. Again, not going to turn my back on a kid, especially one that I know doesn't have a whole lot of guidance from a parent.