"It's just a joke"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted previously about an argument that happened between my husband and I shortly after Christmas. It seems like things have settled a little bit for now, but what happens a lot after these arguments is his tendency to "joke" about things that were said during the argument. One sticking point he had the night of our argument was that he had asked me to show little ways I care by buying him small gifts to show him that I'm thinking of him since he is having a hard time, and that he was upset that I wasn't meeting his request. I understand that buying gifts is some people's love language but it was just rude the way he was saying it, and it also made me feel like he didn't appreciate the gifts I gave him for Christmas, and I hadn't really been getting him small gifts with the holidays coming up. I understand he was just mad about a lot of things but it still really hurt. This weekend I bought myself an inexpensive necklace and I showed it to him, and his comment was "Oh, I was hoping it was a present for me." He made a few other comments that I have time to buy myself things but not him. I told him that I can and will do nice things for myself. He then said that it was obviously a joke, and that I'm being "defensive" which is a comment that he often makes when I'm hurt by something he says. I told him that it didn't sound like a joke and then dropped it. I'm still trying to take care of myself emotionally after our previous argument so I just didn't engage with him any more after that, I just didn't have the energy to think of a way to set a limit on this. If any of you have any experience in setting limits with passive aggressive "jokes" that are clearly not really jokes, or how you would respond to being told you're "defensive" when I really just wanted him to understand why what he was saying is hurtful, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[thepixies21]

I posted previously about an argument that happened between my husband and I shortly after Christmas. It seems like things have settled a little bit for now, but what happens a lot after these arguments is his tendency to "joke" about things that were said during the argument. One sticking point he had the night of our argument was that he had asked me to show little ways I care by buying him small gifts to show him that I'm thinking of him since he is having a hard time, and that he was upset that I wasn't meeting his request. I understand that buying gifts is some people's love language but it was just rude the way he was saying it, and it also made me feel like he didn't appreciate the gifts I gave him for Christmas, and I hadn't really been getting him small gifts with the holidays coming up. I understand he was just mad about a lot of things but it still really hurt. This weekend I bought myself an inexpensive necklace and I showed it to him, and his comment was "Oh, I was hoping it was a present for me." He made a few other comments that I have time to buy myself things but not him. I told him that I can and will do nice things for myself. He then said that it was obviously a joke, and that I'm being "defensive" which is a comment that he often makes when I'm hurt by something he says. I told him that it didn't sound like a joke and then dropped it. I'm still trying to take care of myself emotionally after our previous argument so I just didn't engage with him any more after that, I just didn't have the energy to think of a way to set a limit on this. If any of you have any experience in setting limits with passive aggressive "jokes" that are clearly not really jokes, or how you would respond to being told you're "defensive" when I really just wanted him to understand why what he was saying is hurtful, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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[CodaDad]

Good luck with everything you’re going through. What you’re describing sounds like initially a passive aggressive tactic  by trying to make you feel guilty, and subsequently Gaslighting you by telling you it was a joke even though your gut (and most likely their behavior at the time ) tells you it wasn’t. The one thing you said that struck me is “makes me feel guilty.” my therapist reminds me I am responsible for my own feelings, and no one can make me fee anything. I have definitely not mastered this— but I wanted to pass along the suggestion, which is to establish healthy emotional boundaries, and if in your gut you know you are a good person then try like hell not to let your partners complaints cause you to second-guess that. Good luck!

[Notwendy]

I recommend you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans which describes all kinds of verbal abuse, and doing it in joke form is one of them. Once you see it, and recognize it for what it is, you will be less inclined to try to "soothe" his "hurt feelings".

Just as CoDa dad mentioned, we are each responsible for our own feelings. My bet is that, even if you bought him something every day, you could not "make" him feel loved. As you can see, your Christmas presents didn't do it for him. This is because nothing can. It's his internal feelings that he's projecting on to you.

It's not your job to fix his feelings and in fact, you aren't able to fix anyone's feelings. That's his domain.  Of course it's nice to have someone show they care about you, but a constant demand for little gifts- he's not a child, he's a big boy, he doesn't need that and you can start treating him like an adult and stop trying to soothe his feelings for him.

The book also has strategies for how to deal with these things. Naturally, it's not outright verbal abuse like name calling or cussing at you, which I'd consider on the level of more direct behavior but this kind of thing is more like annoying. IMHO I'd just ignore it and disengage.

[thepixies21]

Good luck with everything you’re going through. What you’re describing sounds like initially a passive aggressive tactic  by trying to make you feel guilty, and subsequently Gaslighting you by telling you it was a joke even though your gut (and most likely their behavior at the time ) tells you it wasn’t. The one thing you said that struck me is “makes me feel guilty.” my therapist reminds me I am responsible for my own feelings, and no one can make me fee anything. I have definitely not mastered this— but I wanted to pass along the suggestion, which is to establish healthy emotional boundaries, and if in your gut you know you are a good person then try like hell not to let your partners complaints cause you to second-guess that. Good luck!

I appreciate the suggestions! And it's funny that you mention gaslighting, because something else that he likes to do when I call him out on gaslighting behavior is to say "I think you're gaslighting me by saying that". Which is just a super childish "I know you are, but what am I?" tactic. I am definitely doing my best to work on letting his comments affect me less, and reminding myself that it's up to me how long I carry his feelings for him. My therapist told me to tell myself "this isn't mine, you can have it back" in my head when he says things like that, which has been helpful. Things have been calmer the last few days, and he's agreed to partial hospitalization/day program, so we'll see how things go. For now I'm just trying to work on myself and not letting the urge to people please take over.

[thepixies21]

I recommend you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans which describes all kinds of verbal abuse, and doing it in joke form is one of them. Once you see it, and recognize it for what it is, you will be less inclined to try to "soothe" his "hurt feelings".

Just as CoDa dad mentioned, we are each responsible for our own feelings. My bet is that, even if you bought him something every day, you could not "make" him feel loved. As you can see, your Christmas presents didn't do it for him. This is because nothing can. It's his internal feelings that he's projecting on to you.

It's not your job to fix his feelings and in fact, you aren't able to fix anyone's feelings. That's his domain.  Of course it's nice to have someone show they care about you, but a constant demand for little gifts- he's not a child, he's a big boy, he doesn't need that and you can start treating him like an adult and stop trying to soothe his feelings for him.

The book also has strategies for how to deal with these things. Naturally, it's not outright verbal abuse like name calling or cussing at you, which I'd consider on the level of more direct behavior but this kind of thing is more like annoying. IMHO I'd just ignore it and disengage.

With regards to the gift buying, I totally agree. I'm not sure where this comes from, that's never been something he's asked for in the past and I agree it feels really childish. Presents definitely don't seem to help his mood, I bought him a small gift at the store a few days ago and he barely looked at it or said he appreciated it. I think it's just a control tactic. Things in the past have escalated to swearing at me, throwing things, punching a wall. I've been pretty firm with him that I'm never putting up with that again. But I think maybe you're right, I'm just going to ignore these petty comments and pick my battles so I can focus on setting boundaries with the big stuff and taking care of myself. I'll look into the book recommendation, thanks!