I seriously need some help.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife and I got married in 2018.   She was happy it seems and appeared normal but seems quite emotional and "off" when she is.  I overlooked it thinking it's just a common female thing.   Early in our relationship, she was reading bipolar articles and said out loud "I think I have bipolar".  I told her, no way you have that.   You seem pretty normal.   I thought nothing of it.

Her history:   she was abandoned by her parents at 5 years old.   She told me in couples counseling she cried everyday for months.   She also said she was physically abused by her grandma until she fought back when a bit older.  I thought nothing if it. 

Throughout our relationship, she would say some horrible things when she got emotional.   She was very unaware of situations and always blame first, ask questions later.  I always thought it was odd.   We fought a lot so I dragged her into couples counseling.   She kept saying I was always angry etc so the therapist for a 6 month period took her side often. 

Once I shut down my anger for almost anything she did, the therapist was happy but told me that she had extreme high anxiety.   Therefore, even if I get slightly upset, she would get fiery.

I never thought she had bpd but she seem to check off many of the categories to be one.    She didn't seem like a cheater nor suicidal throughout our relationship so I didn't think she could be that much of a bpd.

Last 3 months, our counseling has been going well and we fought less and less.   We also have a 2.5 year old baby and we were trying to conceive a 2nd baby in dec 2022.

All of a sudden, I found text messages of her displaying she is having sexual relations with someone.     I kept the evidence with images but wanted to wait until our counseling session before I confront her.   My therapist agreed with this since it was the holidays.

She breaks off our marriage on new years night after spending time with her family.   She faked a stomach ache and was in bed texting this guy she just met.

I can see how addicted she is to her phone as I still live with her.  It was rough waiting for our session.   She kept blaming me for our relationship failure.  This all stopped when I revealed to her I know about the other guy.  Since then she slowed down with the mental attacks.

But she is still in this honeymoon stages with this guy and is walking around with so much confidence and attacks my manhood every now and then saying I am not that manly in our relationship. 

We have a 2.8 year old baby and I am scared dealing with this as she is so erratic.  I told her I just want her to be happy so she even openly talks about this guy around me. 


I've never seen this side of her before.  She has only been irrational when emotional.  Is it possible that she is constantly in this "remorseless, evil" state because she is now emotional most of the time because of her current honeymoon stages?  Am I being split?   Please help?  I typed so much, I may need to elaborate more in another post.

Our marriage counselor was very shocked by her affair as she and I thought things were improving.  6 months prior my therapist did recommend the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  Was she hitting that my wife is possi lying bpd?    I understand they won't diagnose.

She says she is okay with 50/50 child support but my interactions with her tells me something is fishy.  Sometimes she brings up my issues in the marriage and then says "I don't know if my baby should be around you too long"

[engiebpd]

My wife and I got married in 2018.   She was happy it seems and appeared normal but seems quite emotional and "off" when she is.  I overlooked it thinking it's just a common female thing.   Early in our relationship, she was reading bipolar articles and said out loud "I think I have bipolar".  I told her, no way you have that.   You seem pretty normal.   I thought nothing of it.

Her history:   she was abandoned by her parents at 5 years old.   She told me in couples counseling she cried everyday for months.   She also said she was physically abused by her grandma until she fought back when a bit older.  I thought nothing if it. 

Throughout our relationship, she would say some horrible things when she got emotional.   She was very unaware of situations and always blame first, ask questions later.  I always thought it was odd.   We fought a lot so I dragged her into couples counseling.   She kept saying I was always angry etc so the therapist for a 6 month period took her side often. 

Once I shut down my anger for almost anything she did, the therapist was happy but told me that she had extreme high anxiety.   Therefore, even if I get slightly upset, she would get fiery.

I never thought she had bpd but she seem to check off many of the categories to be one.    She didn't seem like a cheater nor suicidal throughout our relationship so I didn't think she could be that much of a bpd.

Last 3 months, our counseling has been going well and we fought less and less.   We also have a 2.5 year old baby and we were trying to conceive a 2nd baby in dec 2022.

All of a sudden, I found text messages of her displaying she is having sexual relations with someone.     I kept the evidence with images but wanted to wait until our counseling session before I confront her.   My therapist agreed with this since it was the holidays.

She breaks off our marriage on new years night after spending time with her family.   She faked a stomach ache and was in bed texting this guy she just met.

I can see how addicted she is to her phone as I still live with her.  It was rough waiting for our session.   She kept blaming me for our relationship failure.  This all stopped when I revealed to her I know about the other guy.  Since then she slowed down with the mental attacks.

But she is still in this honeymoon stages with this guy and is walking around with so much confidence and attacks my manhood every now and then saying I am not that manly in our relationship. 

We have a 2.8 year old baby and I am scared dealing with this as she is so erratic.  I told her I just want her to be happy so she even openly talks about this guy around me. 


I've never seen this side of her before.  She has only been irrational when emotional.  Is it possible that she is constantly in this "remorseless, evil" state because she is now emotional most of the time because of her current honeymoon stages?  Am I being split?   Please help?  I typed so much, I may need to elaborate more in another post.

Our marriage counselor was very shocked by her affair as she and I thought things were improving.  6 months prior my therapist did recommend the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  Was she hitting that my wife is possi lying bpd?    I understand they won't diagnose.

She says she is okay with 50/50 child support but my interactions with her tells me something is fishy.  Sometimes she brings up my issues in the marriage and then says "I don't know if my baby should be around you too long"

[EZEarache]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. You are in a safe place, and the people here will be able to point you in the right direction.

I also have a 2.5 year old with a BPD. However, we were never married. I moved out almost two years ago. This past weekend I literally was thinking to myself that my life is finally getting back on track. It took a whole lot of work, self-improvement, and learning about BPD to bring me to this level. I'm sure it feels like the walls are crumbling around you, but it WILL get better, and maybe even easier.

Am I being split?

This sounds like a real possibility given the circumstances. Besides infidelity/promiscuity what other BPD traits are you seeing?

Our marriage counselor was very shocked by her affair as she and I thought things were improving.  6 months prior my therapist did recommend the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  Was she hitting that my wife is possi lying bpd?    I understand they won't diagnose.

I definitely recommend reading Stop Walking on Egg Shells, if you haven't already. For me it completely confirmed my suspicions of BPD. Most likely your therapist did have a potential diagnosis of BPD if they suggest you read this book. My couples therapist recommended I read BIFF, which lead me to Stop Walking on Egg Shells among others. I would also recommend BIFF. It will help you manage your responses in the tumultuous environment you find yourself in. Also in this forum there are a lot of references to not JADEing https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0. This will be really useful in your communication, as well.

Also absolutely keep going to therapy. Even if it's alone. First, because you are going through a lot and a trained and experienced professional can help steer you through the difficult paths ahead. A therapist may also be able to help you with documentation if there needs to be a court case.

She says she is okay with 50/50 child support but my interactions with her tells me something is fishy.  Sometimes she brings up my issues in the marriage and then says "I don't know if my baby should be around you too long"

Document, Document, Document. Anytime she starts flying off the handle get the voice recorder on your phone running. Document all of her erratic behavior. It'll be especially useful if she sends you nasty texts to make screen captures or recordings of them.

Please stay strong for your baby. They will need you more than ever. Having young children going through a separation seems like a nightmare, now. But in the long run it will be easier, because the baby will not have many memories of an intact family. Hopefully I am premature in this statement and your therapist is able to help you piece things back together.

I recommend you take some time and try to figure out what your real goals are with this relationship/family at this point. Make a vision of what you want and then start to take actions to make this vision a reality. Maybe the first step is finding your own place. Maybe it is getting your wife back into a couple's therapy session and trying to save the relationship. If you do choose to leave, from my experience don't do it with the thought, "We need some space and this will give us time to work things out. I'll go back when we're rational again." Moving out would be a serious form of abandonment and it will be difficult for your wife to see it any other way. For me it amounted to the final nail in the coffin, even though that wasn't how I intended it.

[ForeverDad]

Early in our relationship, she was reading bipolar articles and said out loud "I think I have bipolar".

BPD and Bipolar have similar behaviors.  The difference is that Bipolar can often be addressed with meds whereas BPD requires long term therapy that is diligently applied in life and perceptions.  Yes, BPD behaviors may be moderated while drugs are taken but the real answer is intense therapy.

Last 3 months, our counseling has been going well and we fought less and less.   We also have a 2.5 year old baby and we were trying to conceive a 2nd baby in dec 2022.

Having a baby typically makes BPD (and ending a relationship) more problematic.  Definitely having another baby is to be avoided.  Repeat:  Babies don't make a dysfunctional person better.  No more babies!

All of a sudden, I found text messages of her displaying she is having sexual relations with someone... Our marriage counselor was very shocked by her affair as she and I thought things were improving.

Most people, especially historically, view infidelity as a marriage or relationship breaker.

On the other hand, while she is ecstatic over her new adult relationship, you may want to do as much as possible to take advantage if that distraction to "get your ducks in a row".  Start interviewing divorce attorneys.  Find out that the courts are like in your area.  Select an attorney with experience and strategies.

Most important, this is a time to avoid TMI - too much information.  Your discussions with attorneys and others are private, privileged and very confidential.  Sharing anything more than parenting information could either trigger her or give her ammo to sabotage you.  Oh, and forget being your normal overly-fair self.  A disordered person sure won't be "fair".

She says she is okay with 50/50 child support but my interactions with her tells me something is fishy.  Sometimes she brings up my issues in the marriage and then says "I don't know if my baby should be around you too long"

This is PD-speak for watch out for what comes next.  Do you have her 50-50 comments in writing (emails, text, etc)?  Save them!  Once separated, she will not be remotely fair or reasonable.  Most of us were perceived as evil incarnate once we separated.

[BigOof]

To focus in, what problems are you trying to solve in the short-term?

[Turkish]

You're being Split and it's hard to say if it's recoverable given she's going out. My ex did when our kids were 1 and 3. During and for the few months before she moved out, she lived a double life and openly talked about her beau, zero empathy. I was left at home with our kids while she was out clubbing and then into her r/s.

Stop sex and trying to conceive. Think about you and your current child. We will help and support you.

[Outdorenthusiast]

[/b]

…I never thought she had bpd but she seem to check off many of the categories to be one.    She didn't seem like a cheater nor suicidal throughout our relationship so I didn't think she could be that much of a bpd.

…All of a sudden, I found text messages of her displaying she is having sexual relations with someone.     I kept the evidence with images but wanted to wait until our counseling session before I confront her.   My therapist agreed with this since it was the holidays.

I can see how addicted she is to her phone as I still live with her.  It was rough waiting for our session.   She kept blaming me for our relationship failure.  This all stopped when I revealed to her I know about the other guy.  Since then she slowed down with the mental attacks.

But she is still in this honeymoon stages with this guy and is walking around with so much confidence and attacks my manhood every now and then saying I am not that manly in our relationship. 

… Is it possible that she is constantly in this "remorseless, evil" state because she is now emotional most of the time because of her current honeymoon stages?  Am I being split?   Please help?  I typed so much, I may need to elaborate more in another post.

… 6 months prior my therapist did recommend the book "how to not walk on eggshells".  Was she hitting that my wife is possi lying bpd?    I understand they won't diagnose.

She says she is okay with 50/50 child support but my interactions with her tells me something is fishy.  Sometimes she brings up my issues in the marriage and then says "I don't know if my baby should be around you too long"

Welcome to the group! 

I am sorry to hear about this and also all the feelings, uncertainty, and doubt flowing through your head.  This is totally understandable and normal.  Keep talking with your T, friends/family, and us.  That emotional support network will be critical for you as you navigate this rabbit hole.

Yes, you are being split.  Read about limerance also, it is highly addictive and she is very likely BPD if your therapist is recommending books like that.  As you learn about BPD - she has found a new “favorite person” to focus on, and you will hear lots of disparaging remarks and be the brunt of many inappropriate actions that will make no sense.  Especially in our rational brain thinking about this coming from someone who is married to us and supposed to love us.  When the limerance wears off - she may even try to recycle you.  Be prepared.

Document, Document, Document everything.  Take videos, record conversations, and journal/write down dates and events and things said or done.   She may be saying 50/50 because that is what is on her mind now but it could change to be worse the blacker you are painted.  Additionally, you may want to protect your young kids from growing up in that environment.  Some of us have teenagers, and the emotional manipulation damage sets in prior to age 12.  Do you want that for your kids?  Something to think about if asking for more than 50%, and your documentation will help.  Regardless of what you decide, the documentation and reflecting upon it will help you reflect on what you want for your life and your kids.

Talk to and secure a lawyer specialized in high conflict cases soon regardless of what you decide.  They can educate you. - Be proactive with your life.  Rational and reason will not exist with BPD.  It is raw emotion that can turn on a dime.  If you decide to file first, you can control the narrative on your terms.

Glad you found us, sorry for the circumstances.  Keep talking.

[engiebpd]

I thought it through long enough and I am improving on detaching from her.   I still have to live with her to finish off our lease and agreed in our counseling session that we will be roommates and coparent.   I said thar I am all about the baby and do not want to fight around him and I want us to be cool and possibly start our friendship and coparenting relationship for the future.

I avoid her at all costs and notice she still wants to do some things that we usually do when we were coupled.  My goal is to make sure we get our custody paperwork done so I am truly walking on eggshells.  We are trying to do it with self help court and avoid spending money.  I am considering using a mediator buy that will run us thousands.

[engiebpd]

If a "normal" woman cheated, she would normally have some empathy and be nicer correct?  Cheating and then destroying the victim mentally has to be a bpd trait right? 

Thank you all for your support

[Turkish]

If a "normal" woman cheated, she would normally have some empathy and be nicer correct?  Cheating and then destroying the victim mentally has to be a bpd trait right? 

Thank you all for your support

I doubt that, though my ex did have some empathy towards me in her twisted thinking. I took advantage of her obsession with her beau to negotiate a custody outcome. It still killed me emotionally to live with her for 4 months. Play the long game.

[engiebpd]

I also want to add that about a year ago in counseling, our therapist recommended us to a psychiatrist who began prescribing her zoloft.  This improved our relationship so much.

The expbd wife wanted me to be on something as well and my psychiatrist prescribed me sleep medication but I went to her for adhd and also ended up getting prescribed non stimulate adhd meds.    

Is zoloft used for bpders?    Is our counselor and psychiatrist knows something and are not telling me?

[engiebpd]

I doubt that, though my ex did have some empathy towards me in her twisted thinking. I took advantage of her obsession with her beau to negotiate a custody outcome. It still killed me emotionally to live with her for 4 months. Play the long game.

I'm in this exact same boat.   Trying to get the custody going and will have to finish my lease with her which will be 8 months or so.    I am detaching and trying to avoid her as much as I can without being obvious about it so she doesn't get upset.

[Turkish]

Use the tools at the top of the Bettering Board, especially SET and BIFF. My ex was so into her One True Love and a New Better Life that I stopped criticizing her  lack of wisdom. We negotiated the joint custody stipulation, finalized 5 months after she moved out. D was 1 and S had just turned 4. I filed with the court, no need to show up in court. I kept spinning it as "this protects all of us" which was true. I paid for the lawyer.

[engiebpd]

I want to get this done fast but the ex-wife wants to go cheapest route possible since we are on "full agreement" withb50/50 custody.   I have been told that there are self help mediators that are paid for by the courts- which I am trying to use but the appt wait is over a week from now and who knows how long that process will be from then on.

A family friend lawyer says i can do that but I can use an outside mediator that will cost around 4,000 assuming no conflict.   But that may expedite the process.

Some news, the exbpd wife who has been addicted to her phone for a couple weeks now comes home from work last night telling me she's going to be "single" so that she can focus on this divorce and be more "respectable".   Then she says "I'm ending it with this guy, hopefully he'll be okay". 

She wakes up this morning texting me from the other room that she wants to go on a "solo" trip now.

[kells76]

Hi engiebpd;

To answer your question:

Is zoloft used for bpders?    Is our counselor and psychiatrist knows something and are not telling me?

zoloft is used for lots and lots of different things, not solely BPD. I'd recommend against reading anything "diagnostic" into her taking zoloft. It truly doesn't say anything one way or the other about BPD or not.

Instead, like you described here

 

I said that I am all about the baby

keep your focus 110% on what's best for your child (i.e., lots of time with you). That's great that you can articulate that you want to be all about the baby.

Turkish has "been there done that" and has good feedback, especially about "striking while the iron is hot" in terms of leveraging her obsession with another relationship (or, obsession with "going solo" or "finding herself") to get the best terms for custody/parenting time.

Which relates to your comment here:

I want to get this done fast but the ex-wife wants to go cheapest route possible since we are on "full agreement" with 50/50 custody.

One idea is that you can do an "initial consultation" with a lawyer or two, for a lower cost and NOT equivalent to hiring a L/putting a L on retainer. You call them up, describe your situation, and you can either talk on the phone about it right then, or schedule a meeting (remote or in person) where you bring in your paperwork and the L can check it out and briefly give feedback on "this is how I'd do it if you hired me".

Note, this isn't you doing an initial consultation for you and your kid's mom together. This is you, doing what you want and need to do for you, because it's important to you. It doesn't matter that she doesn't want to get it done quickly -- you can take your own steps to protect your own interests (and your kid's interests). I would recommend against telling her that you're doing that. Sure, if you were still healthily together, you would share more. Now, though, as you unwind the relationship... it is OK to protect yourself and do your own priorities. It isn't "hurting her" or "unfriendly" or "uncooperative" for you to do what you need to do.

So -- you can bring in the current proposed custody and parenting time agreement, and the L you are doing the "initial consultation" with can tell you "if you were my client this would look pretty good" or "if we work together I would definitely change parts A B & C because they will come back to bite you".

I am assuming that you have an actual, specific, detailed parenting plan and custody agreement? This is absolutely critical if you suspect your kid's mom has a PD.

I'll wrap things up for now...

Thanks for keeping us posted on developments --

kells76

[Turkish]

My ex wanted to go "East Side" (joke about our borderline ghetto) and not go to court. "You can just pay me X/month" a reasonable amount. No. Way.

I hired a lawyer, and spun it as I said earlier. That was true. It was about $1800 in 2014, the  attorney wrote a boiler plate stipulation for joint custody and CS which closely matched what I calculated on the California state website. After some back and forth my ex agreed. She was served by mail which avoided possible humiliation of a process server (which even could have been one of her brothers, less humiliating). She eventually had to show up at the lawyer's office to sign final documents, but KID GLOVES.

My ex was relieved that she didn't need to show up in court, I think to save face as she tried to keep that she was leaving me for her young college football jock stud   secret even from her friends who encouraged Eat, Pray, Love. I had a journal which I would have submitted as evidence... my ex loved court, too (TPOs against her prior bf and her husband's brother). The core emotional response of a pwBPD is to avoid shame, so I did my part.

As kells76 said, strike while the iron is hot!  As in my case, there isn't punishment here, and deserving's got nothing to do with it. It's to protect all of you and to preserve the family. You'll still be a family, even apart.

[engiebpd]

Thank you for your responses.   You have no idea how much healing it is to read these posts.  I can read a thick book of all your responses if it exists.

I had dinner at home with my ex-wife tonight and was able to obtain more information on her thought process.

The pattern I see in her life is that there are things she wants in life but is completely oblivious and unaware that everything comes at a cost.  Once those costs comes up, she seems to want to bail.  For example: getting married, she didn't realize the married life would be the way it is and wants out.  The way she describes it is like wanting to be single.   "I want to go out more, I want more connection, I want to hike l, skydive etc." "We don't do these things"   She doesn't realize that a long term relationship goes through phases of lower and higher disconnecting periods and less going out simply because we are getting older and we are busy trying to raise a child and make money.

The best example:  having a baby.   It comes with a lot of work and at some cost to our relationship for a short period.  I feel like she may bail out on our boy sometime in the future when I am no longer there due to the workload and life changes.   She seems to neglect the baby more and more during our separation.  She's unaware that the baby drains our energy and less time to "have fun".

I literally schedule and make pretty good amount of time for us to have fun, this was done with our conselors guidance but it's not enough.

Another example, is us getting older.    It seems like she is completely unaware that we are getting older and therefore we are not the same couple as we were in our late 20s to 30s.  She keeps making statements like "before us, I used to go out so much more,"

Everything she wants seems like shes fantasizing of being younger without a child.

She would point out a couple that are in love and that we are not anything like them.  The couples she usually points out are couples that are still in their honeymoon stages and childless.

She seems to really lean on her emotions to make decisions l. "I feel this, therefore it is that".   We are both reaching our 40s and we simply get tired going out past 10pm with a baby.  But she believes it is a problematic in our relationship.

It's as though she's going through some kind of midlife crisis but since she has zero awareness, she cannot sit and think why things are the way they are in reality.

What do you guys make out of this?   I am so glad I figured this out about her now and are making moves to separate because i will end up spending my life with her dealing with her emotions and behaviors as a result of these high emotions.  "I feel like i am in love with this guy, therefore it's my marriage is loveless"

Throughout our relationship, it seems nobody including her family nor I are able to speak any logic to her.

Isn't this really weird?  Have you guys encountered something similar to this?

I think once she realizes how difficult life is with a baby as a single mom, she may want out.

In her mind, the solution is to get with a young rich guy and all her problems will be solved...

Sorry for the lengthy post, this one was tough to convey.  Please let me know your thoughts.  Thank you.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your responses.   You have no idea how much healing it is to read these posts.  I can read a thick book of all your responses if it exists.

I had dinner at home with my ex-wife tonight and was able to obtain more information on her thought process.

The pattern I see in her life is that there are things she wants in life but is completely oblivious and unaware that everything comes at a cost.  Once those costs comes up, she seems to want to bail.  For example: getting married, she didn't realize the married life would be the way it is and wants out.  The way she describes it is like wanting to be single.   "I want to go out more, I want more connection, I want to hike l, skydive etc." "We don't do these things"   She doesn't realize that a long term relationship goes through phases of lower and higher disconnecting periods and less going out simply because we are getting older and we are busy trying to raise a child and make money.

The best example:  having a baby.   It comes with a lot of work and at some cost to our relationship for a short period.  I feel like she may bail out on our boy sometime in the future when I am no longer there due to the workload and life changes.   She seems to neglect the baby more and more during our separation.  She's unaware that the baby drains our energy and less time to "have fun".

I literally schedule and make pretty good amount of time for us to have fun, this was done with our conselors guidance but it's not enough.

Another example, is us getting older.    It seems like she is completely unaware that we are getting older and therefore we are not the same couple as we were in our late 20s to 30s.  She keeps making statements like "before us, I used to go out so much more,"

Everything she wants seems like shes fantasizing of being younger without a child.

She would point out a couple that are in love and that we are not anything like them.  The couples she usually points out are couples that are still in their honeymoon stages and childless.

She seems to really lean on her emotions to make decisions l. "I feel this, therefore it is that".   We are both reaching our 40s and we simply get tired going out past 10pm with a baby.  But she believes it is a problematic in our relationship.

It's as though she's going through some kind of midlife crisis but since she has zero awareness, she cannot sit and think why things are the way they are in reality.

What do you guys make out of this?   I am so glad I figured this out about her now and are making moves to separate because i will end up spending my life with her dealing with her emotions and behaviors as a result of these high emotions.  "I feel like i am in love with this guy, therefore it's my marriage is loveless"

Throughout our relationship, it seems nobody including her family nor I are able to speak any logic to her.

Isn't this really weird?  Have you guys encountered something similar to this?

I think once she realizes how difficult life is with a baby as a single mom, she may want out.

In her mind, the solution is to get with a young rich guy and all her problems will be solved...

Sorry for the lengthy post, this one was tough to convey.  Please let me know your thoughts.  Thank you.

Engie...the only part I want to chime in on is for you to stop apologizing for lengthy posts or feel that are you sharing too much. No, you are not. It is okay. Vent away. Ask questions. Share. We are a family here. You have lot to get out and the only way you get better is by sharing. I pay attention in addition to the rest of my team as well as the rest of the community. I will jump in if there is something of substance to add, but you keep venting and stay engaged. We got you. Okay? No more worrying if you have said too much...you just let it fly and let us help you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Your child is leaving the toddler stage and entering the preschool stage.  She is no longer a baby, though you will always feel so.  There is every reason to seek as much parenting time with your child.  Currently she is distracted with seeking other adult relationships.  For all you know then one may fail too and she'll seek another relationship elsewhere.

What the others wrote here, that you should take advantage of her looking elsewhere and focus on strategies to benefit your child, may not be a long time window.  She may be "up" now and somewhat agreeable but likely it won't last.  You can't fix her, she would have to fix herself, generally that takes a professional such as a therapist.  So work with the cards you're dealt and stay focused on what's best for your child.

States vary on their default approaches to custody and parenting time.  Your lawyer can answer specific questions.  But most do limit father to equal time or less.  You probably have have to step forward with reasons why your child needs to be with you more and responsibilities cared for by you.

My divorce was over 15 years ago and I had no control over the temp order which defaulted to mother in charge.  Two years later we did settle on equal status as our custody evaluator wished but... I had one condition, that either I was parent for school matters or we would proceed with a trial.  She caved and that slight edge I had (which our lawyers imagined meant nothing) laid the ground work for further tweaks for the better.

You're the father, just as important as the mother.  Do not "gift away" more parenting than necessary.  Yes, in the years to come she may (emphasis on "may") relinquish some parenting to you... but don't count on it.

For example, very soon your child will reach preschool or school age.  You, as the more responsible and reasonably normal parent, ought to ensure (as I did) that you're the parent handling school responsibilities, your school in your area and you as school contact.

That may be a part of the Decision Making or Tie Breaker status you could set up in the custody aspect of any agreement so she can't obstruct you as much, if that happens in future years.

[Turkish]

My ex was 31 when she went out on me, her beau 21 and me 41. She wrote in her journals that she wasn't ready for the stable family life basically. She wanted to have fun, despite desiring babies.

I grew to resented the crap out of her (and I didn't handle our deal with it well) which she picked up on. Death spiral for the r/s. I'll own what I owned.

She's doing better as a mother now, 4 years after she divorced her boy toy whom she grew to resent... because he was a young dude who wasn't mature or stable or able to provide. A blind person could have seen that coming. I told her and she mocked me at the time, natch.

Focus on you and your child. Let her do her Eat, Pray, Love deal by herself.

[engiebpd]

Hi All,

Throughout our relationship, I find us arguing about the most ridiculous things.  I want your opinion on what could possibly be wrong with my ex-wife when she has these kinds of thoughts.  Here's an example:

I change my baby's diaper, and supposedly I lift his leg up too high.  She then gets slightly upset and says "you are lifting the baby's leg up too high!  Did you know that's how he can become gay?"

My face expression is like 'WTF'  and this is how one of our arguments usually begins

What do you guys make out of something like this?   She makes these far stretching comments often and I would have to explain away...  could there something else be wrong with her besides bpd suspicions?   Thanks

[SaltyDawg]

I change my baby's diaper, and supposedly I lift his leg up too high.  She then gets slightly upset and says "you are lifting the baby's leg up too high!  Did you know that's how he can become gay?"

My face expression is like 'WTF'  and this is how one of our arguments usually begins

What do you guys make out of something like this?   She makes these far stretching comments often and I would have to explain away...  could there something else be wrong with her besides bpd suspicions?   Thanks

Using logic to explain the bold-underlined question...

BPD is irrational.

That is an irrational statement.

She is irrational.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Hi All,

Throughout our relationship, I find us arguing about the most ridiculous things.  I want your opinion on what could possibly be wrong with my ex-wife when she has these kinds of thoughts.  Here's an example:

I change my baby's diaper, and supposedly I lift his leg up too high.  She then gets slightly upset and says "you are lifting the baby's leg up too high!  Did you know that's how he can become gay?"

My face expression is like 'WTF'  and this is how one of our arguments usually begins

What do you guys make out of something like this?   She makes these far stretching comments often and I would have to explain away...  could there something else be wrong with her besides bpd suspicions?   Thanks

In addition to Salty’s comment - BPD devalues and finds negative things to comment about the behavior of the person they care most about.  She is devaluing you.  I personally see an uptick in the quantity of these absurd “picking on” type items when she is stressed and/or has limited sleep.  The more “WTF” they are the more I know it is the BPD talking and plan my day accordingly.

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a disorder most evident the closer the relationship.  Maybe some on the fringe, a coworker or an occasional acquaintance, may notice something "off" but you as the person close and sharing a huge amount of private time will experience much more and be impacted more.

[SaltyDawg]

Agreed.

Like all mental disorders, they lash out at the ones that they love the most, or whom they feel the safest with.  It is how they function.

SD

[Turkish]

I didn't want a second child based upon what I went through with the first. I was hardly allowed to touch our baby son for months. My ex was wrapped up in her mother's Anxiety. Bathing a baby was a sacrosanct event. Any deviation and the baby would get sick or cursed.

[engiebpd]

It's unbelievable guys.   I told the ex bpd wife that no matter what happens, illl always have her back and that she is the mother of my child.    In many ways I feel bad for her.   She has revealed to me more about the guy she was seeing and it looks like he was selling her a dream.   He isn't what I feared to be which would be a ridiculously rich guy that can bankroll a custody court case against me.    I had anxiety over this and told some friends who did bring me back to reality by explaining how unlikely of a situation that would be.

She sounds wholeheartedly real about the 50/50 custody.   I just submitted a form for an informal mediation with the courts.  If I can get this done without spending money since we seem cordial so far about everything, I think I will be anxiety free.

I just want my son.   He's the best thing that came out of this tornado.   I love him so much and it sucks that he isn't going to experience a life with real parents together.   This was why I tried so hard in counseling for this marriage.  The more she talks about us, the more I realized how delusional she is.   She truly thinks that our disconnect, which may have occurred within the last 6 months due to my baby going through tantrums and I having to work more+ handle the baby.   I did overlook and took off time between us.  But this is standard in many marriages.   She doesn't seen this at all.   It blows my mind.  All I know is that if she can't handle this temporary period when we have a baby, it'll be impossible for her to move further beyond a long term marriage.   Can't imagine when we just get old and lose some more connection, or when real life problems occur.  It's truly immature thinking.

She and I are just light years apart in thinking and maturity.  I made the mistake thinking I can lead her and save her. I did save her but I brought her to a level where she thought she can do better.   And she's into a guy with 2 unmarried baby mommas and is 27 years old.   I just turned 40 and she's 37, and she keeps comparing me to him as far as "energy".   

In many ways, I can frame this as a blessing un disguise.  My boy is still only 3 years old and he may not know what is going on when we we do separate.  It would break my heart so much if he was 5+ and this happens.   

We were trying for a 2nd child all year and somehow it failed.   Maybe God didn't allow us for a reason.  My first boy came through easily.   She did blame me for a "low sperm count" as to probably why we didn't get a 2nd child. 

[engiebpd]

Our mediation custody date is coming up. Now she tells me she's pregnant.   

She believes it is very new and not with me.   The last time we had sex would be early December.   I am a little nervous by this but I believe it is likely with the new guy.   

What to do?   Help please.  Thank you

[Outdorenthusiast]

Our mediation custody date is coming up. Now she tells me she's pregnant.   

She believes it is very new and not with me.   The last time we had sex would be early December.   I am a little nervous by this but I believe it is likely with the new guy.   

What to do?   Help please.  Thank you

Oh boy engie.  Paternity test - you must make sure - it will affect everything (money, feelings etc.) for the rest of your life.  Plan for the worst and hope for the best.  Talk with your lawyer and therapist.

[engiebpd]

She's only 4 weeks pregnant based on clinic.  So it's not with me

[kells76]

OK, good to know that biologically it is not yours.

That being said, in some states, a child conceived while the wife and husband are married, is considered to be a child of that marriage -- you're the imputed father.

To make sure that you are not responsible and that the child's father is responsible for the child, you will likely need to get a paternity test, regardless of the fact that you know it isn't yours.

A brief consultation with one or two local lawyers would be time very well spent for you.