Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:36:35 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Popular books with members
103
Surviving a
Borderline Parent

Emotional Blackmail
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
When Parents Make
Children Their Partners
Healing the
Shame That Binds You


Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Keep falling into hatred, paranoia and extreme suspicion.  (Read 574 times)
NarcsEverywhere
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 438


« on: January 10, 2023, 12:40:19 PM »

Basically, I don't trust my Dad, and I'm kind of terrified of what he could do. It'd be too long to describe it all, but I'll go over the worst of it.

Gaslighted me when I was caring for our sick dog, had to force him to care every step of the way, and he'd often do the opposite of what I'd ask of him, or some weird way of doing it, even though I had thought it through a lot and explained my reasoning. He even got my to doubt and blame myself, even though I was doing everything I could for the dog. I had him takeover a bit, because I felt hopeless to help him, and my Dad fed him a bit by hand, and then got mad at him one time, and I think that caused him to get depressed and stopped eating. Plus he was get angry at him when he was giving him a shower. Also he kept talking to him a lot when he was eating, which seemed to bother the dog, and he didn't seem to care.

When my mom was sick, he basically abandoned her, she was doing thanksgiving on her own, dog washing, even getting her own groceries, which were things that he normally helped with. And the worst was she wanted him to take care to the doctor (she kept talking to the doctor, but they didn't really help her), and he acted too tired, even though she really needed it. And eventually I urged her to go to the hospital, she seemed so codependent and meek then, and she ended up dying.

Then, when I hurt my back, he drove me to the hospital and when I asked for two minor things he drove erratically, hurting my back. Then when my back was hurt, he ran into it one time, and stopped and acted like he acknowledged it for just a sec, and, he ran into me. I was in so much pain, and I think maybe he smiled? But, it's vague because of the pain.

Other times of gaslighting, that seemed obvious malicious, and other times where he'd do it just to win arguments, it all seems so sick. Right now he's kissing my ass like crazy, trying to violate my boundaries. It's hard to feel all the feelings when I'm in this house. And it's hard to stay rationale when I don't know why he does everything. It's hard to focus on my mental health when I don't feel safe.

And there isn't many options for escape right now, because of agoraphobia, needing his help for things, there just isn't. And I doubt my sister would believe me, I talked to a bit and she saw "both sides", and kind of invalidated me. I'm going to talk to my counselor soon and try to stay grounded and set boundaries, but it's hard, when I feel so scared of him. Can someone at least validate my experience here? It's been so hard to get a response anywhere from anyone. I'm gonna call my counselor today.

I'm also working on being more independent, but it's slow going. Thanks for reading.
Logged
NarcsEverywhere
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 438


« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2023, 04:30:43 PM »

Anyways, gonna be my last post until someone responds, sorry I am spamming the boards, and being codependent. I guess because I'm experiencing separation anxiety. I suppose I'm grateful that no one has responded, because I normally can deal with feelings quite well on my own, but lately, between the fear and anger, it's so hard to do that.

Gonna journal a lot, and do what I can, instead of spam the boards. But I spent a bit of time with my Dad, and I really do feel sorry for him. I think, you know, people expect him to be a full fledged caring person, with feelings, and who can support people, and he wants love, and acceptance, and he's too scared to deal with all his pain, so all he has are his manipulations, and his persona and his baggage, and his resentment.

I can't save him though, I can be a bit considerate, and respectful, but I've gotta save myself, because what we have is really sick. I know I've been controlling too, mostly by trying to force him to care more than he does, but he just doesn't. I've tried to break out of doing that to him as much as possible over the past couple of years.

Gonna go work on the anger now, and whatever else I may feel, I just hope I don't get too wrapped up in my Dad, because I do feel quite sorry for him. I need to empathize with myself now. Own my power, and be brave. I set boundaries today, it was hard. Hoping things can get better. Tired of living in paranoia, and feeling helpless.
Logged
NarcsEverywhere
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 438


« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2023, 09:06:56 PM »

Well, I know I said I wouldn't post, and I get a couple of reasons why people aren't responding. I'm spamming the boards, I'm being kind of one sided about things, I've been unresponsive, and honestly I've been paranoid. So what I'm saying is I'm sorry.

I ended up talking to the cops, my sister and my counselor and Dad and really gained a lot of perspective. I realize how much my own behavior has affected things, and have a lot of regrets, especially with my Dad. Told him I loved him, and want good things for him, but our relationship isn't very healthy. Also, realized I needed to be more patient and less enmeshed, and sometimes controlling.

Also realized my codependency ends up leading to a lack of empathy with others because I burn myself on other people, and get too assertive at helping them. Which works for a while, but ends up backfiring. I'm realizing I can't really get by on not trusting anyone, or hardly anyone, it's no way to live a life. I'd rather get burned than live in a prison.

I thought I was making good decisions I suppose, so it was hard for me to understand how things had gone so wrong. It was hard for me to trust myself. Anyways, I appreciate everyone who has responded to my posts.
Logged
Older sister

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 15


« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2023, 07:31:17 AM »

I am sorry for your hard, hard journey.  I hope you have had meaningful support with your therapist.  A good therapist can be a lifeline when you're in the middle of quagmire.  Hugs!
Logged
NarcsEverywhere
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 438


« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2023, 10:10:46 PM »

Hey, thanks a lot for the well wishes! I've come a long way since then, but it's still hard, I had to fight my Dad and my neighbor, with a whole ton of expectations, assertions and boundaries, and then defend them (especially with my Dad), it's been extremely hard, but I am turning a corner, and can finally relax a bit, as all of my hard work paid off. But it's still tiring having to stick up for myself often with my Dad.

Also, I'm just starting to let go of the victim mentality, and focus on my pain, as I realize each time I've been manipulated in my life by a person is with a personality disorder, is a reminder of what to watch out for, instead of a reason to be a victim. Still, it hurts a lot when it's been by people close to me, and it's gonna take a while to work all that out.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!