Guidance on managing belongings and dogs.

[Tojian]

Hi everyone,
I have read many many posts and websites regarding BPD.
It has helped immensely with the confusion and anxiety I was feeling about failing not only in my ,ost recent relationship but life also.
None of it is ever quite specific enough for my exact needs at the time tho. I have literally today had a therapy assessment, however the waiting list is 12 weeks long.
I’ll give a breif overview of my relationship and situation then ask for some advice if I can find the words.

My ex met through our kids, we hit it off amazingly and very quickly spent a huge amount of time together. ( I have always seemed to do this, understanding from my previous marriage I may be codependent)
We both very quickly discussed our previous relationships and issues with them and things were intense and fun.
We actually took things relatively slowly having full intercourse,  however she offered sexual actions literally on the first date. This had been a theme I found out later on.
Anyway, our first problem happened on a night out 2 months in, we lost each other in a bar, she dumped me that night and for the whole next day was incredibly nasty, by the evening she had calmed down and said she wanted things to carry on.
A few weeks later she called me her ex partners name during sex and continued to do so every so often. She kept in contact with him replying to him every time he text her, i did request she stop contact with him as it was effecting my emotions. I guess that is the codependency or perhaps something more, I have yet to find out properly.
We moved in together and the leaving continued, blame crept in and gaslighting. She kissed a few guys in front of me and even had sexual relations with a female friend behind my back.
Every time we sorted it out, I forgave her or apologised for what I thought I had done wrong.
If I asked to discuss what happened I was told it would make her feel too bad about herself so I drew a line under it and continued as normal.
Nearer the end, last year or so the bullying of my kids and sister began, all blame out on them whilst her father who lives with us was allowed to live rent free and there was an obvious unhealthy relationship there that I didn’t realise was as deep as I do now. Her son also was allowed to behave however he wanted and I see also that this may have been through fear of him not loving her and leaving like her father did. There is so much more to tell but I hope the outline is enough to understand.

Looking back, a month away now I can see my own behaviours were counter productive and I accept that.
Since the break up I am was regularly told it is my fault etc etc. I was in turmoil for weeks until I found this and other helpful websites.
My head knows what is required, my heart has other ideas.
I was diagnosed in April with anxiety and depressive disorder, I had put this down to chronic back pain however retrospectively this coincided with the penultimate run for a week then return.

Now my problem at this moment in time is that she has left the home for a month now, left two dogs that she wanted in case one didn’t love her and is living with her mum. She claims she has now become homeless again and is expecting me to give her all the things bought since we lived together.
She has paid for them from her bank account however a lot of the time this is because I sent her money and she has never paid any bills as the deal was she chose the furniture and furnishings as she had the better eye for it. I suspect this was a back up plan as there seems to now be apparent that this is her cycle. No matter how much I tried to show her with facts on paper she will never see that this was how it was.
Anyway, I initiated no contact 3 weeks ago and we have her brother in law as a mediator. I still receive messages every other day from him asking questions about furniture and dogs etc, mostly nonsense but I think he is just forwarding on.
I move out in two weeks I but I am struggling on how to deal with the furniture and dogs etc, I find it all extremely overwhelming and I live each day in fear she will just turn up, take bits from the house and disappear again.
I have no intention of leaving her without things to make her and her son comfortable but I have to look after my family too. Money is tight after bailing her out throughout.

I hope this makes sense to somebody and any advice would be much appreciated.
Apologies if it’s all a bit scrambled, I have never tried anything like this before.
Thanks

[kells76]

Hi Tojian, welcome to the group 

Glad you reached out for some support as you wait to add therapy as well. 12 weeks is way too long to wait; I hope the list speeds up for you.

In the meantime, you're in a good place to connect with members who have gone through situations like yours. Lots of people here have had to come up with non-intuitive plans for "who gets what and when and how" after a breakup with a pwBPD (person with BPD), as, like you mentioned:

No matter how much I tried to show her with facts on paper she will never see that this was how it was.

For "broadly normal" breakups, people can generally sort out who gets what mostly fairly. For breaking up with a pwBPD, nothing is ever enough, and "fair" means "she gets everything". I can relate (my husband's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and after they divorced and split up stuff, she -- months afterwards -- demanded he give her back furniture that they had already agreed to divide...)

Now my problem at this moment in time is that she has left the home for a month now, left two dogs that she wanted in case one didn’t love her and is living with her mum. She claims she has now become homeless again and is expecting me to give her all the things bought since we lived together.

Are they her dogs? Yours? Unclear? Does she want the dogs back, or just the stuff? Dogs are trickier, so I'll wait to hear more from you before we brainstorm.

Sometimes, some pwBPD will make seemingly irrational choices. They might say verbally or in a text "I want my stuff back", but when you compare their actions to their words, it seems like they drag their feet, prolong getting the stuff, and don't do the actions you'd expect. Some pwBPD do that in order to maintain (or believe they are maintaining) a connection with or control over you, especially if their stuff is in your home.

Given that you're posting on the Detaching board, it sounds like you are committed to being done with the relationship?

One strategy that some members use is:

Rent a cheap storage unit for a set period of time (some people do 6 months). Move all her stuff in there, and either physically give her the key, or send the key registered mail (signature required), with a letter saying the time frame that you will pay. Then, instead of her making it your responsibility to "be at home when I say so, be around when I get my things, be available to argue over whose is whose", it is her responsibility to use the key to get her stuff.

You are also allowed to change the locks on your house (I think I'm tracking with you that it's your house, not co-owned/co-rented?).

Sometimes, when a pwBPD is involved, it "feels mean" to do things that are actually normal boundaries. If we can get past the "feeling mean" or "feeling like we are not helpful", then we can move forward with our lives, without taking responsibility for choices and actions that aren't our responsibilities.

Let us know your thoughts, whenever works for you -- and again, welcome;

kells76

[Tojian]

Thanks for the reply Kells76

I will try and broaden the picture with the bits you have mentioned, the relationship and my ex. (I will just use x)
 First off to try to explain her and her past as simply as I can (she is undiagnosed, I am ashamedly surmising that she has BpD or traits of it) then I will try to explain the rest to give a better insight into what I am dealing with, if anything and it’s not just my own issues.

X was left by her father as a very young child, there were two of them and the mother was very bitter. To add to this the mother was in full time education and then full time employment, x was cared for by babysitters, other family members throughout holidays and friends parents.
A lot came through in dribs and drabs during our time together.
Some such things are that she told me that she was sexually abused by a baby sitter but never told her mum, she was pregnant at 16: had an abortion then attempted suicide not long after.
Her father was married 5 times and none have lasted, he has lived with her for many years, other partners didn’t accept him living especially not rent free.
X has said she was kidnapped at knife point in her later teens.
She then met her ex husband as a 17 year old, married had a child etc, she claims he took her abroad for his work and was abusive. She left him and bought her son home because of this (it later transpires she left him for a best friend from her younger days and was then dropped) when she arrived home she was arrested for kidnapping and had to go to court to keep her son, the story changes.
Since then her father leaves every year to live away for 4-6 months and her son goes twice yearly to his father.
She has had numerous sexual partners that she says just don’t get her, numerous abusive exes and more recently is fearing her friends and co workers won’t approach her or don’t like her.
It’s clear this ,just be where the abandonment issues are from and low self esteem.
She actually gave me warning that she would leave in 3 years and I wouldn’t be able to handle her very early on. I took it with a pinch of salt.
Early on the self esteem issues arose and the gaslighting and ending the relationship, the projection came more recent,y, blaming my sister who is incredibly depressed due to her boyfriend commuting suicide but has slowly licked herself up. It has become more like bullying. Waking up in the night loudly complaining about her then later in the day admitting she was actually annoyed she had spent all her money.
Anyway often she would say that if we split up everything is hers as she bought it. When we split up that is how all conversations would end, that’s how I began searching and found all of the borderline forums etc. hope that kind of explains her and why I struggle to let go and am finding it hard not to give in to it all.
I feel incredibly sorry for her pain, how I have felt the last month and longer doesn’t come close to what I imagine she feels on a regular basis, however I am completely aware I cannot in any way help her, it’s just a heartbreak.

The situation with the house is that we rent jointly, she has tried to get out of it by handing her notice in directly without telling me. It runs out in a month and I have found a new place to live. I have t ,entwined this as we have had no contact.
The last few days have been more and more messages from the mediator, only about belongings etc which I assume is normal, she has probably found somewhere to live herself.
I have asked for receipts or transaction dates regarding everything she bought as I can guarantee I gave her money at that exact moment. I don’t need lots of it I have said I will not leave without her being comfortable but financial constraints mean I cannot just bend over. I am finding the mediator to be more difficult than if I spoke to her directly but that would have a huge impact on the progress I have made and I am sure woukd end in me feeling guilty and blamed all over again. I’m not sure if I am able to request she give prior warning to entering the house as she pays rent but I live in constant anxiety that she will just turn up. It’s all incredibly overwhelming and some days I just think I should let her have whatever she wants and just get out.

The dogs were rescued, joint contract, I paid for them and the insurance. The kids want to keep them as do I, she didn’t see them for 3 weeks then I had a message out of the blue saying “x wants to know what might be happening with the dogs also they might want to walk them over the weekend, is there a good time?”
I gave a time when we would all be out, x didn’t show.
X turned up on the Monday and acted with them like she had never left.

I’m not sure of her intentions and in all honesty afraid to ask outright, she can switch off emotions and carry on like normal in front of people which I cannot.

Does this help at all? I hope so

Tojian