Advice needed "We need to talk"

[Sunflower123]

My BPD Partner went to his home country for over a month during the holidays. He's now due to come back on Tuesday.

A few months before he left things were not going well and he was telling me I need to move out because he's leaving the country for a different job soon. Then before he left he got a promotion at his current job and invited me to his work Christmas party. We started sleeping in the same bed again (but with no intimacy).

Things were "Okay", I wouldn't say good. We kept in contact while he was away, but he seemed more responsive during the first part of his trip. We just really texted for mostly practical things and I'd send him pictures of our pets.

Tonight he messaged me if I could wash the sheets on HIS bed before he comes home... That to me was a bad sign to me of his current mood. I texted that I'm excited to see him and he texted back:

"I want to go back to a routine
And work on things
We need to talk when I'm back"

This text was confusing to me because I feel it could have multiple meanings, but based on my previous experiences when he says we need to talk it's usually the start of an episode, to tell me how he doesn't like me anymore, and he wants to be alone, him accusing me of doing terrible things to him, etc and it ends in him screaming at me to leave no matter how I respond.

I'm very concerned and don't even want to deal with it anymore. It's almost 5 am here and I can't sleep because I don't think I can deal with another "episode". I'm just too burnt out from it all. I had a peaceful month by myself tbh and his coming back is triggering my anxiety and it feels like a nightmare.

I was looking forward to seeing him and hearing about his trip. Usually, a little time apart helps him realize that he misses me.  I thought we'd at least have a short time together in peace after he came home...    

Any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

I would suggest seeing a therapist for yourself.

You are obviously very triggered by your anxiety when he is coming back, and a T would be a good place to start with that.

Keep in mind you cannot change him; however, you can change yourself, and take care of your self.  I feel that self-care is the most important thing that you can do for yourself.

Good luck, and take care.

[Sunflower123]

Thank you. The self care is really something I have been focused on recently. I’ve seen therapists individually over the past 5 years and am looking for a new one who has better knowledge BPD relationships and being a caretaker.

I was considering posting on the stay or go board because I have realized how peaceful my life has been while my BPD partner has been away. I actually felt I could just relax and carry on with my day without conflict or walking on eggshells for over a month.

Although, I also missed him a lot, his threats to leave me and/or his demands for me to leave have become closer together and more serious every time.

This has taken a toll on me over the years especially since I moved with him overseas for his career. It’s also caused me to develop anxiety because I’m constantly being threatened with becoming homeless.

However, I am not in the place to leave right now and do not have any outside support. This is something I have been working on, but it hasn’t been easy for me. My partner’s last message to me was “ We need to talk when I get back”

Now he’s on planes for the next 24 hours and on his way home... how convenient to send that message when he did.

I’m trying to stay calm, but this  is worrying me because in the past that has almost always meant he’s going to leave or demand that I leave and tell me he just wants to be alone again and I’m evil.

Last time he started taking legal action then dropped it. I’m so stressed out about him coming home tomorrow and having this “talk”. I guess he could want to “talk” about something else, but from my past experience this is not usually the case. I’m hoping he wants to work on our relationship as he said he “wants to work on things”. But since he asked me to wash his bedsheets for his separate bed, I’m not getting a good vibe.

I guess I’m just asking that for the moment are there any other methods I could try to temporarily smooth things over or redirect the situation in better path? Anything I could try in the immediate future to better gain control of the situation if he demands I leave or avoid this conversation altogether?

Part of me doesn’t even want to be home when he gets back, but he left his keys with me so had no way to get back into our house. I don’t have anywhere to stay overnight.

I am at my wits end, but still love him and want to try. Leaving is something I’ve been considering for the future, but I’m not financially set to do this yet (working on it so I have the option)

.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you. The self care is really something I have been focused on recently. I’ve seen therapists individually over the past 5 years and am looking for a new one who has better knowledge BPD relationships and being a caretaker.
Finding one that specializes in BPD is next to impossible to find; however, alternatively look for one what specializes in 'high conflict relationships', these can be quite helpful.

I was considering posting on the stay or go board because I have realized how peaceful my life has been while my BPD partner has been away. I actually felt I could just relax and carry on with my day without conflict or walking on eggshells for over a month.
You know how peaceful it is without him, and how anxious when he is around.  Follow your 'gut feeling'.  Only you can take care of you; so, do what is right for you.

Although, I also missed him a lot, his threats to leave me and/or his demands for me to leave have become closer together and more serious every time.
It seems that leaving/divorcing threats are all to common.  If you believe they are serious, you need to treat them seriously, and act accordingly with appropriate professionals.

This has taken a toll on me over the years especially since I moved with him overseas for his career. It’s also caused me to develop anxiety because I’m constantly being threatened with becoming homeless.
This is no fun at all.  These threats are very damaging to a relationship, and it is understandable where you have developed anxiety.

However, I am not in the place to leave right now and do not have any outside support. This is something I have been working on, but it hasn’t been easy for me. My partner’s last message to me was “ We need to talk when I get back”
I can see how this can create anxiety for you - lack of outside support makes you feel 'trapped' -- I get it, I have been there myself.  My mantra through my relationships is to "Plan for the worst, but hope for the best"

Now he’s on planes for the next 24 hours and on his way home... how convenient to send that message when he did.
He is likely tired and irritable after such a long flight.  Just be prepared.

I’m trying to stay calm, but this  is worrying me because in the past that has almost always meant he’s going to leave or demand that I leave and tell me he just wants to be alone again and I’m evil.
I know this is very unsettling for you.  However, keep your mind clear, and follow your gut, have a plan in place in case your worse case scenario is realized.  Hopefully these are just negative thoughts; however, you know your situation best.

Last time he started taking legal action then dropped it. I’m so stressed out about him coming home tomorrow and having this “talk”. I guess he could want to “talk” about something else, but from my past experience this is not usually the case. I’m hoping he wants to work on our relationship as he said he “wants to work on things”. But since he asked me to wash his bedsheets for his separate bed, I’m not getting a good vibe.
Follow your 'gut' feeling, and be prepared to take care of yourself, only you can take care of yourself.

I guess I’m just asking that for the moment are there any other methods I could try to temporarily smooth things over or redirect the situation in better path? Anything I could try in the immediate future to better gain control of the situation if he demands I leave or avoid this conversation altogether?
Don't initiate this conversation as it will likely be confrontational/critical in nature, and that is a relationship killer.  However, do prepare yourself for the worst, but hope for the best.  If you know what he likes, try stroking his ego, do the nice things that you did when you fell in love with each other. 

Part of me doesn’t even want to be home when he gets back, but he left his keys with me so had no way to get back into our house. I don’t have anywhere to stay overnight.
Well, you did mention getting the sheets ready for the separate bed, if he sleeps in the main bed, use that bed, or vice versa.

I am at my wits end, but still love him and want to try. Leaving is something I’ve been considering for the future, but I’m not financially set to do this yet (working on it so I have the option)
I think you are stronger than you think you are, afterall, you are here asking for opinions.  However, only you can take care of you, so do the best you can.  Plan for the worst, but hope for the best.

Take care.