Why do you take on some of their traits more when you detach from them?

[NarcsEverywhere]

So like, when I broke up with my exGF with BPD like 10 years ago (we were together for about 10 years), I remember thinking I had BPD, and noticing a lot of the same attributes, like I would have black and white thinking, intense shame, guilt, my ego got bigger, victim mentality, etc.

Now, I'm noticing a similar pattern, now that I broke off my relations with 2 people who probably had BPD, and have detached more from my Dad who has some of the issues. Like, normally, even despite my relations with these people, I was pretty grounded in reality, and normally had good self esteem, didn't think in absolutes, my ego was mostly in check, but not always, I didn't view myself as a victim, etc.

So what's the deal? Why does detaching, and seeing through their illusion, cause this? Obviously, I think some of it was affecting me during these friendships and what not, but it seems to get way worse after. And I've seen people on these boards express similar things.

My theories:

All their "love" is reduced to ashes, and what you're left with is a pile of lies, all their projections, and gaslighting and such, this leaves you without the positive element of the relationship, and all the negative crap that they pile on you, which is mostly them dumping their issues onto you.

The betrayal itself causes a lot of similar attitudes, because you feel a sense of trauma, like they feel, which can lead to devaluing/hatred, which can eat away at you.

Anyone have any insight on this?

[BigEasyHeart]

So like, when I broke up with my exGF with BPD like 10 years ago (we were together for about 10 years), I remember thinking I had BPD, and noticing a lot of the same attributes

Hi NarcsEverywhere,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I've had something similar and brought it up with my therapist, who assured me I did not have BPD. However, the breakup was and is a traumatic experience for me and it sounds like it was for you as well. Trauma responses (e.g., betrayal trauma) have a lot of overlap with BPD.

You might also look into a concept referred to as projective identification. I'm not sure if this quite fits what you are saying but it might have some relevance.

Thanks for posting by the way. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts!

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey thanks for your response BigEasyHeart. I'll look into projective identification. I do find that I'm so angry and sometimes hateful towards them, that my biggest fear is to be like them (them being people with Narcissism who are abusing people, and mainly the people who have hurt me), so I tend to compare a lot of what I do to them, and really have to talk myself down from believing I'm like them. It's gotten better though.