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Author Topic: Don't know what to do  (Read 3406 times)
Couscous
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« Reply #30 on: February 02, 2023, 05:36:31 PM »

Before reading some of the books mentioned here, I too didn't understand NPD. There is a lot of misinformation out there about "narcissism" and too often traits are thrown around in the relationship world. A person with NPD is much more complex.

I came across an excellent blog today that I though does a fantastic job of explaining what exactly narcissism is:

“One can conceive of highly Narcissistic behavior as centered almost totally around self-esteem regulation. Individuals who have made Narcissistic adaptations see themselves and others in a highly unrealistic, polarized, black and white way. There are no gray areas: you are either special, perfect, unique, and entitled to better and different treatment than everyone else (at the top of the Status Hierarchy) or worthless, defective garbage entitled to nothing but shame and whatever crumbs those above you choose to give you (at the bottom of the Status Hierarchy). Of course, given the implications of this stark view, everyone with a Narcissistic adaptation fights very hard to hold onto the belief that they are in the Special category.”

https://blog.selfarcheology.com/2017/05/narcissism-and-self-esteem.html

Essentially, a narcissist is dependent on their romantic partner to be willing to accept their place at the bottom of the status hierarchy, and by apologizing you  demonstrate that you are in the one-down position in order to prop up the narcissist's fragile self-image. Not a fun a way to live. 
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bluebutterflies
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« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2023, 05:01:58 PM »

@Couscous Just to clarify, I am already at a women's shelter so I don't tolerate his behavior at all. I've read a lot of things on NPD and I didn't feel that he fit the bill. However this article does resonate. He recently began finally texting me back and half of it is just sad "I don't know" kinda thing, and then he exploded again and is blaming me for cutting himself.

So I don't really think I have any other option right now besides divorce. I spoke with a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while, but was the first person I confided. She asked me if I could even feel safe with him in person, after knowing that he said those things to me or with the pillow slashing. To be honest, I don't. I also can't see him the same way again.

It is unfortunate that he still sees me as the problem. In his message he blames for me ghosting him, for causing him to cut himself, for giving up on the relationship and bailing. However, the truth is that he is the one who gave me 3 weeks of silent treatment, then tormented me by not letting me sleep, destroyed a pillow with a knife, sent me tons of rage messages and threats, and then cut himself, and then called me 40 times. Even after all of this, I told him we could still meet, go to couples counseling, I even made a plan for us to work (he goes to therapy x times, etc etc), yet he is refusing to meet me halfway at all.

So I am exhausted and I'm done. At least right now, because who knows I might change my mind. I deserve better. I'm slowly starting to tell my other close friends (the irl ones) so that they can help me get out of this relationship.

@Saltydawg he's very self-sabotagy right now and vague, and won't really tell me much besides his plan which is to start selling things in the apt in the next few weeks, and then probably move to another country when the lease ends, the end of March. I need to get my ducks in a row because while he is a European citizen, I am a foreign national. I can only legally divorce him in this country.

I could also legally divorce him immediately on grounds of domestic violence but that will stay on his record. Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on this? If I petition for divorce and he doesn't agree, then we have 6 months of separation then divorce. By then I'd be out of the country and have to come back to retain my residency, etc etc its complicated. The shelter is going to advise me on this as well.

I'm mainly realising that I've already spent 5 years on this relationship and its going nowhere. I'm mourning the person I thought I had, the future I thought we would have, and I really can't believe I'm in this situation at all. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #32 on: February 03, 2023, 09:08:49 PM »

So I don't really think I have any other option right now besides divorce. I spoke with a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while, but was the first person I confided. She asked me if I could even feel safe with him in person, after knowing that he said those things to me or with the pillow slashing. To be honest, I don't. I also can't see him the same way again.

It is unfortunate that he still sees me as the problem. In his message he blames for me ghosting him, for causing him to cut himself, for giving up on the relationship and bailing. However, the truth is that he is the one who gave me 3 weeks of silent treatment, then tormented me by not letting me sleep, destroyed a pillow with a knife, sent me tons of rage messages and threats, and then cut himself, and then called me 40 times. Even after all of this, I told him we could still meet, go to couples counseling, I even made a plan for us to work (he goes to therapy x times, etc etc), yet he is refusing to meet me halfway at all.

So I am exhausted and I'm done. At least right now, because who knows I might change my mind. I deserve better. I'm slowly starting to tell my other close friends (the irl ones) so that they can help me get out of this relationship.

It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to accomodate him and encourage him to get help.  It doesn't sound like it is working.  Only he can help himself, if is his both self-aware and has the desire to fix himself.  You cannot do that for him.  It sounds like you have set up a firm boundary, and you can now ethically start the divorce process, if that is what you want. 

You DO deserve better.  And only you can fix your own situation.

@Saltydawg he's very self-sabotagy right now and vague, and won't really tell me much besides his plan which is to start selling things in the apt in the next few weeks, and then probably move to another country when the lease ends, the end of March. I need to get my ducks in a row because while he is a European citizen, I am a foreign national. I can only legally divorce him in this country.

I could also legally divorce him immediately on grounds of domestic violence but that will stay on his record. Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on this? If I petition for divorce and he doesn't agree, then we have 6 months of separation then divorce. By then I'd be out of the country and have to come back to retain my residency, etc etc its complicated. The shelter is going to advise me on this as well.


I agree with you that he is self-sabotaging, a trait of the borderline. 

Also, with regards to the divorce, listen to the shelter.  Also, consider communicating that you want a divorce through a petition without having to wait 6 months so DV is not on his record, and if he doesn't agree [within a reasonable amount of time, a week or two] you will legitimately escalate it to immediate grounds with DV that will be put on his record.  Check with the shelter and local attorney if this is an avenue for you.

I'm mainly realising that I've already spent 5 years on this relationship and its going nowhere. I'm mourning the person I thought I had, the future I thought we would have, and I really can't believe I'm in this situation at all. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
Sending you hugs Virtual hug (click to insert in post) for your loss.

Take care, by practicing self-care.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #33 on: February 04, 2023, 07:52:11 AM »



It is unfortunate that he still sees me as the problem.

I am a foreign national. I can only legally divorce him in this country.

I could also legally divorce him immediately on grounds of domestic violence but that will stay on his record. Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on this? If I petition for divorce and he doesn't agree, then we have 6 months of separation then divorce. By then I'd be out of the country and have to come back to retain my residency, etc etc its complicated. The shelter is going to advise me on this as well.


It's understandable that you want to make the best decision for you that is the least harmful to him. I agree with taking the advice of the shelter as they are have experience  with advising what to do and the laws of this country.

Some consideration of how to balance what is the best thing for you and your desire to still protect him from the consequences of his behavior- that is, to not have a record of DV.  However, he is the one who is responsible for his own behavior and this is the consequence of that behavior. You aren't "doing this" to him and it's not your job to protect him from what is the legal consequence of that behavior.

Natural consequences are how we learn limits and boundaries. It starts in childhood. If  a child doesn't do their homework, the consequence is a bad grade. They then learn they need to do their homework. If the parent does the homework for them, with the desire to protect their grades, they don't learn this. Naturally, we also don't want people to do seriously harmful behaviors like driving drunk, - we'd try to take their car keys from them, or call for help like you did when your H self harmed. But we have to balance out what to protect with when to allow consequences so that we don't prevent the learning from them.

Discuss the possible scenario of having DV on his record. There could be harm in terms of employment, but could the sentence involve having to take anger management classes or undergo counseling? It might be that this sentence might even result in him being forced to get some sort of help. We don't know if this is effective or not or he'd actually try to improve but compare it to not having it on his record. He would have no consequence of this behavior and may continue it.

Is this on the record permanently? Will it cause long term damage to his employment or other opportunities or would he have the chance to clear the slate through good behavior over time. I don't know the answer but the shelter probably would.

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bluebutterflies
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« Reply #34 on: February 04, 2023, 10:50:56 AM »

Thank you all, yes that is a good idea. I'm trying to get my ducks in a row to figure out. My head is spinning with all of these logistics. There's so many things to think about, my employment, taxes, getting my things from the apt, etc. My goal is to have a smooth divorce.

Things haven't been going great. He's still messaging me blaming me for everything. Things have escalated to the point where he's joking about how I feel unsafe, and saying how he could skin me and chop me up, etc etc. I'm officially done. There is no way I can go back to this man ever. I'm so sad it's gone to this place, but he is no longer a man I recognise.

He is demanding we meet in person to figure things out (which I have been suggesting for ages?), whether we should work things out or go our separate ways. I'm not sure, at this point I want things to be done with, but I also want things to go smoothly. I know if I were to go I'd meet somewhere public and with a social worker. Any advise?
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kells76
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« Reply #35 on: February 04, 2023, 11:23:02 AM »

He is demanding we meet in person to figure things out (which I have been suggesting for ages?), whether we should work things out or go our separate ways. I'm not sure, at this point I want things to be done with, but I also want things to go smoothly. I know if I were to go I'd meet somewhere public and with a social worker. Any advise?

Let's talk through this a bit. What would you hope to happen, if you were to meet in person with him? As you reflect on this, does it seem likely to happen, unlikely to happen, other?

It sounds like you have already decided to be done with the relationship. What would you want to communicate, if you met?

How do you think he would behave, afterwards? How do you think he would cope with the things you want to communicate?

Do you hope things would be the same, or different, after meeting?

...

Also, this sounds like an important question to run past the shelter staff. They may have some wise insight into these types of situations.
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Couscous
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« Reply #36 on: February 04, 2023, 12:10:22 PM »

Bluebutterflies, I am feeling quite disturbed by those sick messages he is sending you. It is my hope that you will soon feel strong enough to take the difficult step of blocking him. There is a lot to lose and nothing to gain by remaining in communication with him.
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« Reply #37 on: February 04, 2023, 12:45:38 PM »

The smoothest divorce for you is the fastest one, rather than extend this drama. If this means this is on his record for DV, consider that he's slashed your pillow with a knife and now says he wants to skin you and chop you up. Please do not delete these messages, as they are important evidence of his behavior.

Consider the contrast- you want the least amount of harm for him and yet, it looks like he wants the maximum of harm for you.

My advice about considering consequences for his actions isn't a consideration when someone is making statements like this. Without consequences for this kind of behavior, it's going to continue, with you, with someone else who may also be subjected to this.

If you don't protect yourself, he certainly won't protect you. And physical violence can escalate.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2023, 12:54:51 PM by Notwendy » Logged
bluebutterflies
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« Reply #38 on: February 04, 2023, 01:02:39 PM »

The exact words are (in different times) with various context in between.

"Why would you meet someone who’s unsafe to be around? I might murder you and chop you up or something right?"

"This is my demand. Schedule a time, we meet we talk no effing bailing no shutting off no stop responding and we hash things out, we decide if it’s even possible to move forward or we go our separate ways. Or maybe I’ll skin you, make lingerie, wear it and dance around on a field…"

"If you gonna treat me and make me feel like an “unsafe” mental disease wife beater and murderer I might as well play the part (laughing emoji"

I'm correct to feel unsafe right? I don't know how things escalated. I don't have access to the counselor until Monday.
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« Reply #39 on: February 04, 2023, 01:14:46 PM »


"Why would you meet someone who’s unsafe to be around? I might murder you and chop you up or something right?"

"This is my demand. Schedule a time, we meet we talk no effing bailing no shutting off no stop responding and we hash things out, we decide if it’s even possible to move forward or we go our separate ways. Or maybe I’ll skin you, make lingerie, wear it and dance around on a field…"

"If you gonna treat me and make me feel like an “unsafe” mental disease wife beater and murderer I might as well play the part (laughing emoji"

I'm correct to feel unsafe right? I don't know how things escalated. I don't have access to the counselor until Monday.

Yes you aren't safe. This is super creepy and disturbing.

I am sure the DV shelter has discussed with you that when you leave is the most dangerous time for the victim of DV. This is the time they are most likely to escalate their behavior and his behavior is escalating now.

Do not respond, and for Heaven's sake do not meet up with him. under any circumstances. Whatever you have left in the apartment - this is material things. Your safety is more important than any material object. They are not worth risking your well being for.

Stay put, save the texts, wait until your can speak to your counselor and the DV shelter staff to help guide you to the next move.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #40 on: February 04, 2023, 01:35:42 PM »

"Why would you meet someone who’s unsafe to be around? I might murder you and chop you up or something right?"

"... Or maybe I’ll skin you, make lingerie, wear it and dance around on a field…"

"If you gonna treat me and make me feel like an “unsafe” mental disease wife beater and murderer I might as well play the part (laughing emoji"

These are threats and intimidation.  However, in some countries verbal accounts are viewed as he-said-she-said and discounted as bickering hearsay unless proven otherwise by documentation or recordings.

Beware of hiding these increasing poor behaviors.  Don't worry about the truth's impact on him.  He's counting on you to keep this private.*  For all you know, getting his abuse on the record might not protect only you but also protect other women he may seek out in the future.

* For all you know his prior relationships were similar to your experience and they didn't speak out either, or you never searched for such possible records.
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Couscous
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« Reply #41 on: February 04, 2023, 02:34:40 PM »

I thought this was an interesting piece about DV, although I’m not sure how they think that police would solve the problem of women being unwilling to remove themselves from violence.

Domestic violence would significantly decline if women walked away from these relationships at the first sign of abuse. For women who are unwilling or unable to remove themselves from violence, active police intervention would help. Domestic violence occurs for lots of different reasons, some of which have deep psychological roots. But it continues because the perpetrator knows the risks and costs are low.

https://politicalviolenceataglance.org/2015/02/18/bargaining-theory-and-domestic-violence/

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« Reply #42 on: February 04, 2023, 04:41:02 PM »

But it continues because the perpetrator knows the risks and costs are low.”

I think we think of "abusers" as being that way all the time, heartless monsters I think we rationalize that it's not really abuse, because these perpetrators are not heartless monsters at all times but some of the time they are out of control and do dangerous and monstrous acts. This is what abusers really are- not the people we see on TV who go about beating up other people- they  are people who are emotionally disturbed and are dangerously out of control at times in a cycle that continues. They may not like themselves for what they do, but they are harmful to others regardless. They need help but as long as they have someone who they can abuse, it's unlikely, maybe not even possible at tall, that they would seek it.

Abuse happens with all genders. It isn't just men abusing women. There are posts here about women abusing men. It can happen in same sex relationships too.

I have heard this described as having a chocolate chip cookie but one of the chips is poisoned and you don't know which one is.





« Last Edit: February 04, 2023, 04:47:17 PM by Notwendy » Logged
SaltyDawg
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« Reply #43 on: February 04, 2023, 10:41:12 PM »

I am going to echo everyone here, I have posted about it several times on different threads.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS REAL

Have a safety plan in place, if you do recover your stuff from the apartment, DO NOT DO IT ALONE, have at least one, ideally more than one friend/acquaintance with you.

A good example of a safety plan can be found here:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Take care, and also do self-care.
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yellowbutterfly
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« Reply #44 on: February 05, 2023, 01:42:04 PM »

PLEASE talk to your shelter staff and heed the posts above. I was in a similar situation with my stbx H and tried to "look out for his feelings", "help with his future career by not reporting him so he wouldn't have a record" He threatened, pleaded, etc to get me not to report the DV or get a restraining order and I fell victim to his manipulation. Looking back wished I only protected myself. On the other side of this, I regret not having him arrested (I'm working through this in therapy).

He then made up lies about me and got to the courts/police first on those lies. Having just been there this fall, I wish that once I decided I was out of the relationship, I listened to the advice of others here. I was so confused though and didn't know what to do. My T told me I really needed to use my rational mind, and surround yourself with those like Ts and shelter advocates who can help you think rationally and not emotionally.

Your partner is NOT SAFE to be around, those threats are scary. No matter your history together, no matter your feelings, he is acting irrationally and scarily toward you.

DO NOT MEET HIM IN PERSON Paragraph header (click to insert in post) I made this mistake with my situation. The person you thought you knew is mentally ill and you cannot trust anything he does or says. You will be in danger. I was.

FYI, I spent four months out of my apartment with nothing but a small bag. I was able to rely on others and had to buy new clothes etc. to get by. Stuff is stuff, your safety is more important.

I know right now it is a very hard time for you emotionally. I felt scared, in disbelief, guilty, angry, pathetic, and confused, I thought he would stop and be that person I thought I once knew. He didn't. PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself right now.

Make your safety plan with someone - use Salty's resources! If/when you chose to leave, refer to it. Your mind will be operating from the part of your brain that processes fearful and threatening stimuli, the amygdala aka survival mode. You need the safety plan so you can keep yourself safe.

Thinking of you in this hard time, I just went through this in August/September.

We are here for you!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)





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Couscous
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« Reply #45 on: February 05, 2023, 02:17:34 PM »

I was reminded of this thread while watching this Jordan Peterson clip about self-respect that I thought was extremely thought provoking: https://youtu.be/EDvFZMyqMG0?t=267

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bluebutterflies
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« Reply #46 on: February 08, 2023, 07:03:49 AM »

Hi all, it's difficult for me to respond to every response but just wanted to tell you all I read everything and took it all very seriously, and am so appreciative of all of your support <3

I finally got a social worker assigned to me and she is helping me sort out my questions and will help me formulate a plan. Luckily, if I petition for divorce without DV and he disagrees, I will still get automatically divorced in 6 months. My plan as of the moment: Gather all the info first for logistics, then when I am ready, go get my stuff out of the apt with the police (I did this two weeks ago), then file for divorce afterwards. I will stay at the shelter for a bit in case things escalate. Once I feel stable and settled, then I will book my flight home.

All of this is taking a financial burden on me. I have a good income but living in Scandinavia is expensive. He also owes me 5k, and if he doesn't give me my apartment deposit back I will lose another 5k. I *think* he will pay me back, at least the deposit, but we will see. I know my safety is most important, but I really could use that money as taxes are so high, and I owe the country 10k in taxes as well. I barely saved this year as well. Just ranting Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Emotionally I'm up and down. I had a dream last night of him being with another woman and it made me sad. When I get reminded of things I want to tell him, I am sad. Then, I get angry that I am in this position. I do believe he truly loves/loved me, but he is in his own way of getting help. Once I get the divorce, I will move to the other board. All I know is that I will never see him ever again. I will only consider talking but only to hash things out logistically, nothing emotionally.

I don't know if I would call him *my* abuser, as that feels weird. I even struggle with calling him abusive. I can say that I am being abused. Most of our relationship was just us both thinking he was depressed. The verbal abuse didn't start until after we got married last year, and even then its far and seldom (I know it doesn't make it right). I guess I don't know how to tell this story to others. But I will think about that later. I did tell a few close friends who knew nothing, and they support me. However, some were not very nuanced for me so I felt alone again.
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« Reply #47 on: February 08, 2023, 07:33:55 AM »

I think it's normal to have these ambivalent feelings. While the idea of your H with anyone else feels sad, consider, the dysfunction is with him, and he would bring this into any other relationship.

We tend to think of "abusers" as all bad, horrible monsters who are always abusive but that isn't the usual case. They can do kind things too. That's what makes it feel so confusing when love and abuse are packaged together and I think this is why these relationships are so complicated to untangle. It may not be helpful to explain your reasons for divorce to others who haven't seen this side of him or who have not experienced this kind of relationship. They have seen his public persona- what he allows other to see, not the private one and if married to him, you experience the whole person. People outside our immediate family do not know what went on in the privacy of our house. They'd not believe it if we told them  My BPD mother has a wonderful side to her and that is what they see. Share your truth with a therapist and others who can be supportive.

Divorce is expensive, but there's an emotional cost of staying with a disordered and abusive person as well. Your well being is worth a lot more than the costs involved in a divorce.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2023, 07:41:36 AM by Notwendy » Logged
bluebutterflies
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« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2023, 08:24:54 AM »

Thank you so much. I try not to rationalise the disorder too much because it is in fact that, disordered thinking. But it is hard. I'm ready to move on to next part of my life though. I have already began to write down poetic thoughts again and process in a way that I usually do which has been nice. Thank you for your support.

Last night he got upset that I didn't respond to his messages and accused me of cheating, and then called me nonstop until I finally responded. He now says he is throwing all of my stuff in the garbage and I have until Monday morning to pick them up. I doubt he will really throw them all out, but I will move my date to pick up things to as soon as possible (I will be going with someone from the shelter and with the police).

I have read that it is best to not leave any notes of sort. From now on do I contact him after I press the button for divorce? Do I let him know "I am divorcing you" etc? Or do I just simply block or not respond and that's it?

I've accepted that I may not get any money/deposit back and that is fine. Do I still ask for it back come April?
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« Reply #49 on: February 12, 2023, 10:14:53 AM »

Thank you so much. I try not to rationalise the disorder too much because it is in fact that, disordered thinking. But it is hard. I'm ready to move on to next part of my life though. I have already began to write down poetic thoughts again and process in a way that I usually do which has been nice. Thank you for your support.

Last night he got upset that I didn't respond to his messages and accused me of cheating, and then called me nonstop until I finally responded. He now says he is throwing all of my stuff in the garbage and I have until Monday morning to pick them up. I doubt he will really throw them all out, but I will move my date to pick up things to as soon as possible (I will be going with someone from the shelter and with the police).

I have read that it is best to not leave any notes of sort. From now on do I contact him after I press the button for divorce? Do I let him know "I am divorcing you" etc? Or do I just simply block or not respond and that's it?

I've accepted that I may not get any money/deposit back and that is fine. Do I still ask for it back come April?


My stbx H loved to use threats of throwing out my stuff to get my attention. That's not to say your H will not follow through but I am glad you will be going with the shelter/police escort. Smart. Also, as emotional as it will be for you, expect some of your stuff to be missing/broken/etc. This will likely be the case.

I would advise against contacting him about the divorce. The court will serve him and he will be notified. As I've learned from this board and my personal experience, the threat of violence raises at the time of annoucing divorce/leaving a partner.

I would ask your lawyer about the money/deposit. They should be able to advise you on this. I sadly lost a LOT of money in the process as I just wanted rid of him so badly that I stopped fighting for things. He was so manipulative and abusive, I sort of see it as a way to move on.

Though, stand your ground but let only the lawyer do the communicating. I found NC the best thing that's ever happened to allow me to start to slowly move on and heal. After the divorce was "started" I never spoke to him again. I had to see him a few times in court but honestly, I never made eye contact nor spoke with him directly.

You've identified the right steps for you and are taking them. This is big and hard, you are amazing!
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« Reply #50 on: February 12, 2023, 11:09:36 AM »

Money has both a logical and an emotional component. It's more than just numbers. Two reasonable and ethical people could arrange to pay back any money one owes to the other but this is not the usual case in a contentious divorce. There's anger, hurt, perhaps the wish to hurt the other in some way. In this situation anything that ties these two together could become the means to act on these emotions.

Divorce is one of those difficult situations where one doesn't want to be "taken to the cleaners" by the other spouse and yet- the taking more time to extend the agreement process also has a cost in money (lawyer's fees) and emotions.

Some things are more evidently worth the cost of pursuing, such as child custody arrangements or costly shared assets like property because what is at stake has a very high value. (emotional and financial). In your situation, it is a sum of money, without these other considerations. You are also young and have many years of employment ahead of you to earn more money. Yes, it's a considerable amount, but also there's a cost to getting it back from your H and it and prolonging the process. You can communicate through a lawyer, but there will be a charge for that.

It might help to make two columns with costs and benefits of pursuing what your H owes you vs making a clean break and not regaining this money. Be sure to include the emotional aspect of extending the process and lawyer fees if you do. I think it's reasonable to assume your H is likely to not cooperate as he isn't calm about this. The decision may be clearer to you after that.
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« Reply #51 on: February 12, 2023, 12:21:48 PM »

Yellow and blue butterflies.  Will we get iridescent blutterflies too?  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Last night he got upset that I didn't respond to his messages and accused me of cheating, and then called me nonstop until I finally responded.

This is a common tactic, to wear you down until you do engage, even if it is what we perceive is negative engagement.  Can you selectively turn off the ringer for one number, or just block it temporarily?

"Irresistible force meets immovable object," murmured Georgina.
"Care to make a wager on who wins out?" he whispered back.
"I have no idea how to choose."
— Jane Ashford, regency romance "Lord Sebastian's Secret", chapter 16

I agree with the reminder to consult the lawyer.  Perhaps the request for half the deposit can be included in the divorce filing?  Court can often use it's Higher Authority when yours is sabotaged or ignored.
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« Reply #52 on: February 12, 2023, 01:34:08 PM »

In Scandinavia we can divorce with a click of a button. He has 10 days to respond, if he doesn't then we go through 6 months of separation then we are automatically get divorced. If he does agree to it then we are divorced as well. So I won't really need a lawyer or anything, there are no shared assets, no kids. I don't *think* I need to involve laywers for anything (knock on wood). The only need for a lawyer are to divide assets and custody but I don't think a deposit is worth it for me to do this.

YD I don't think I can turn a ringer off for one number but I will block it if he does proceed to bother me again. As of 10 mins ago he texted me something rude again. He is saying that I am the one who wants to talk not him (but I don't respond if hes being rude).

All in all, I just want to move on with my life and not deal with this. I was talking to my T about everything and realised that my main feeling throughout all of this pain and sadness is disappointment. I am disappointed he won't get help, I am disappointed that I am yet in a position where the other person wont/cant change. But it is okay, and I will be okay.

My plans after getting my stuff and doing the button divorce is to wait a bit in the shelter in case I need some support still, then go back to the US.
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« Reply #53 on: February 12, 2023, 03:38:36 PM »

I messed up. He sent me a long goodbye text with a lot of horrible things and said he changed locks on the doors. He called me and then I impulsively answered the call. I really shouldn't have. We "talked" for an hour which was just him being angry for a bit and the calming down and asking what I wanted. Then led to him apologising and saying he'll change and all of these things. Now he's broken down and begging me to stay and I didn't give him a straight answer because I didn't want to be too definitive. Now he's messaging me everywhere and calling (I blocked and muted most of them, trying to figure out all of them). He's saying he'll change and he already has an appointment and he'll spend the rest of his life trying to be better.

I regret answering, I dont know it was an impulse. Hearing his voice was so hard. I've cried so much and I'm in so much pain. He was the one person I loved more than anyone else and it hurts that things have to end like this. :'( I'm so sad.

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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #54 on: February 12, 2023, 04:46:35 PM »

Don't stress too much.  We all sometimes experience bloopers we'd rather to have avoided.  I've been reading a lot lately, drawing from another quotable quote...
"It is easy to think of the right thing to do or say after the event."
 — Mary Balogh, regency novel "Guilded Web", page 133
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« Reply #55 on: April 11, 2023, 04:16:52 PM »

Hey all, just wanted to give an update. After my last share, he ended up checking himself into a psychology hospital urgent care. In that time I retrieved all of my things from the apt and went back to the women's shelter. I then met with him at the hospital—he was a wreck. He begged for me back, but eventually I had to tell him that I wanted a divorce. For some reason it calmed him down—I think the in-between was what made him anxious. The psychologists formed a suicide prevention plan for him, and let me go 10 mins before him. One of them stopped me in private and told me it wasn't my fault, and we hugged and I burst into tears.

I stayed another month at the women's shelter, in contact with him as well as we figured out how to sell furniture etc. I submitted the divorce, he accepted it. We are now divorced. We are on good terms. He's accepted that he has some sort of disorder. We met up for a last goodbye at a coffee shop and then had dinner, and hugged goodbye. I of course assessed my personal risk before doing so, but at the end of the day I know him best and knew that there was no threat.

I then came back to the US a month ago and have been doing better. I still go to support group meetings and have talked to my friends. Grieving is hard, but I'll be okay. I'm still processing how this entire relationship turned sour, it's still so hard to me when he has shown how perfect and amazing and wonderful he is.

We still talk, but I've been clear that I may not be in his life forever. I've set clear boundaries with myself and I have also let him know the intentions of our talking. We still have a lot of love for each other so we do update each other on life things, but he knows he cannot rely on me, etc. We don't discuss emotional things. He also has been diagnosed for depression and they won't diagnose him further until the depression is "cured" which is frustrating. Otherwise, we're reading a self help book together.

Thank you all so so so much for navigating with me through this journey. I really wouldn't be able to be here without you all. I can't name you all but you know who you are <3 sending you all so much love and wishing you well.

May we all have love, peace, and support in our life from now on <3 <3 <3
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Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #56 on: April 11, 2023, 04:58:41 PM »

Blue butterflies, thanks for the update. I wanted to thank you too for the support and care you’ve given me this past year. Wishing you a peaceful and happy future, especially with any future relationships. Always stay true to yourself and take care of yourself.
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“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
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« Reply #57 on: April 12, 2023, 06:03:00 AM »



Thanks for the update. I think you have a lot of courage in this situation. I am glad you are back in the US safely and have support. The psychologist  is correct- this is not your fault. You didn't cause your ex's issues- they were there before the two of you met. I hope it helps to keep in mind that your ex also has support in his country and it is up to him to follow through with that. You can take care of you as you are doing. Wishing you the best.
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« Reply #58 on: April 13, 2023, 09:07:29 AM »

I am so proud of your strength and happy for you to have this step forward. Sending  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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