Boundaries/Vulnerability/Intimacy

[NarcsEverywhere]

I saw yellowbutterflies post about oversharing being a red flag, and I totally agree, most of the people I've dealt with who were like this, tended to dump a whole bunch of hurt on my lap, and then I'd respond by relating with my history, and then I was more attached and vulnerable then I really wanted. Which caused fear of rejection and abandonment anxiety, before trust was established, before I was even comfortable with things.

Now, to a degree, I've used my own history and vulnerabilities, to relate to people, but I normally keep it dialed back, enough to where it's not more than a minor interaction, so that I don't get sucked in, and I find this totally helpful in connecting to people. Also, I think it's best to be judicious about sharing what difficulties you might currently be going through. Especially if you think there is a risk of getting hurt, and you're not prepared to deal with it.

I actually value vulnerability very highly, it's a courageous and honest trait, it's a willingness to admit flaws/weaknesses and connect to people on a very human level. At the same time, I think my current behavior is bad for me and others. So I need to correct it. I've been having trouble dealing with emotions and oversharing, in the hopes of emotionally regulating myself, but instead it drives people away, and causes me to feel rejected, and causes me to have a vulnerability hangover, to feel miffed, and then I end up feeling worse. So that's no good.

Another thing is, I guess once I've established a certain level of connection with people, I sometimes overshare unintentionally, and then when they don't respond well, I get hurt, and sometimes even feel a bit entitled to them wanted to deal with my stuff, which I think hurts them. But on top of that, it's bad for me to share when I don't get the interest or response that I find at least acknowledging. I mean, a lot of times I've walked away when I've got that response too. But I always feel hurt when I share something deeply personal and then get no response, or apathy, or rejection (I guess that's the risk we take). Also, people tend to not be honest with me about it, so I'm left having to read their responses. They'll lie to me about it, and I'll be making the same mistake again.

Also, I don't know where the lines are on a support board like this? I figure some level of vulnerability is important here, but where's the line? I just find this all so confusing to navigate. I'm used to being vulnerable from a position of strength, or at least being somewhat emotionally regulated, not this jumble I've been dealing with. I suppose I've never had a healthy version of a close friendship/relationship, so I fell into all this unintentionally. Even though my sense of boundaries and sharing can be very good in a more casual setting. Also, I love that I'm a passionate, feeling, caring person, so I don't really wanna neuter that either.

So, what are the lessons here? Tell me if you have any! I'm really looking for help here, I am tired of feeling like crap.

Here are mine:

If someone over shares, doesn't mean that you have to, if someone gives affection, doesn't mean you have to. I tend to restrain myself some, but I tend to eventually fall for this stuff, I guess because I feel isolated and feel intimacy starved. And also blame myself for not wanting to share stuff/give affection, like it's a personal issue of mine, that I need to conquer. Also, I feel obligated.

If you're feeling like a person is draining you too much, walk away. Textbook detachment, reasserting boundaries. But also, sometimes I think it's important to re-access the relationship/friendship, if it's not working for you, or if you need new terms of the relationship/friendship. And watch for those red flags.

At the end of the day, I think a lot of my boundary issues also have to do with other peoples boundary issues. Like I fall into their dysfunction, and then I end up being dysfunctional, but I allow it all, by letting all the boundaries get too distorted.

Right now, my boundaries are terrible, like really terrible, I basically have almost none. And it's draining/hurting me, and probably draining others and hurting others too. So I guess the solution is a lot of alone time, until I can get in touch with how I feel, and what I want/need.

Any input is welcome, thanks!

[Rev]

Right now, my boundaries are terrible, like really terrible, I basically have almost none. And it's draining/hurting me, and probably draining others and hurting others too. So I guess the solution is a lot of alone time, until I can get in touch with how I feel, and what I want/need.

If you go to Steven Hayes' site for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, there you'll find some exercises around values work. Often, one of the reasons we can have trouble setting boundaries is because we are not sure what we are protecting. Values oriented awareness has lots of support for committed action.

Just a thought.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

To set boundaries first you need to have a sense of what you will and will not tolerate. For example, respect is the most important thing to me. I am fine with someone not liking me, but if they outright disrespect me, I will put them in their place. I kind of have a don't bother me and I won't bother you approach. Not everyone is going to like me. You don't have to like everyone either, but you can still respect one another and co-exist with them and work with them as long as there is respect.

If someone does decide to test my boundaries though they are usually met with a very stern this is how this is going to go. If they continue to push it I still won't go incredible hulk on them which is usually what people are expecting because of my demeanor and my size, but I will ask them very serious questions that makes them analyze themselves such as do you enjoy being mean to people? Why are you acting this way? What do you think you will possibly gain from disrespecting me or anyone else? Now, if they outright say something completely stupid and ignorant my biting sarcasm will come out and I will confront them with...do you actually hear what you say? I want you to repeat to me what you just said one more time and listen to what you say? And then when I get a stunned look I will lead them into does that make sense to you? Yeah didn't think so...let's try this one more time.

Now the idea here is to get the other person to have to use their brain and make them do something they do not want to do in the moment...have to deal with their emotions and be aware of how they are feeling is causing the confrontation with me (you...just speaking in general terms here). You defuse the situation and open up the possibility for dialogue all the while you are keeping your composure. Will it work on everyone...probably not, but it will work more often times than it won't. It is just an idea for you to put in your mind so you can develop your own tools and methods for doing things.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC- 

[once removed]

im a big believer that "red flag" is a wildly overused term.

what is a red flag? to me, "i shot my ex husband" is a red flag. thats danger.

most of the rest of these things we discuss about others are just information to process.

i was reading, just the other day, someone describe "someone on their phone all the time" as a "red flag". really? is that something i want to run for my life from? or just something i might be looking for the opposite of in a partner?

what is "oversharing"? well, its when any one of us decide that another person is telling us information we arent sure what to do with, really. but that isnt danger.

i know what you mean, NarcsEverywhere. one of my first girlfriends in high school tried to bond with me over telling me her relationship horror stories. every ex boyfriend had stalked her (eventually, i was supposedly one of them). one tried to rape her.

hearing those things pulled at my heartstrings. i thought it was a really significant step for her to take to confide these things in me, but she would subsequently downplay them. i wasnt even in 10th grade yet. it was all the more significant that someone would confide such things in me.

i dont think it was a red flag that she told me those things. i think it was her way of relating. i think it was one i was very receptive to. i think the issue is how i dealt with the information i was given. information is harmless. what we bond over is another matter. thats what boundaries really mean.

people do this, in the dating world. they share of themselves in order to bond, and sharing is in and of itself a means of bonding. the question is how we are processing the information given to us. does it have anything to do with what we are looking for in a partner? if so, is that a good or a bad thing?

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, red flag can be used to be prejudice against people, and I don't think that's a good thing. But to me, it's more about noticing dysfunctional patterns of behavior, and seeing of it rises to the level, where you either don't want to get involved with them, or need to limit contact with them, for your own mental health. Or conversely, where you think you're just bad for the other person.

I do think it's important to focus on how you interpret and respond to other peoples behavior, since the thing you have the most power over, is your own perceptions, and your behavior. You can influence others, but you have very little actual control over them.

I mean, I think I'm being critical of myself lately, and just caring too much what others think. I'm externalizing my power, externalizing my identity almost, and so when I dump all of my emotions in a very vulnerable way on here, it kinda wrecks me to do that, when no one responds. I also think I'm driving people away, and it's hard for me to pinpoint why.

Like, maybe I just seem too emotional for people, or too erratic (I have been lately), maybe my rants are too off topic for this place. I feel so out of character, because of what I'm going through, that I find it all so embarrassing. I'm having a terrible time finding balance, so I kind of alternate between impulsiveness and extreme self control, which is not where I need to be.

Anyways, the mods have been responding to me, and that's nice. I know not everyone has time or energy all the time. I know not everyone knows what to say. I suppose I could try not to take it personally, but a lot of what I'm sharing (sometimes) feels super personal, so it's hard.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Dunno if anyone is reading, but one thing I've noticed is in these relationships there's a dysfunctional give and take dynamic. For instance, my neighbor did yard work for me, and I emotionally supported her. Or my Dad would buy me things, and then I'd tolerate more, and be closer to him over it, or a girl online would use sexual interest for my emotional support. I didn't really view it as transactional like that, but in the end, it was like I was trading my soul for things. This kinda sets me up for being close to dysfunctional people.

Maybe it should often times be more balanced, like things for things, sex for sex, emotional closeness/support for the same, you know? I'm not saying it has to be so transactional, but it's more about setting the terms of the friendship or relationship, so you're both on the same page, and can interact in a healthy way. I know this forum is about intimate partner relationships, and I suppose it's a bit different then. I know with my exgf who had BPD, I definitely thought it was love, but it was definitely super imbalanced in a lot of places, not that I think it needs to be perfectly balanced or something, that's not reasonable.