Does she have BPD or am I just looking for answers?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sorry, this is a long one. First time doing this and I just want to get it all out and hear some feedback.

I was in a relationship for a year and a half with the only woman I’ve ever loved. We met in college and started dating our senior year. I was very codependent and it was my first real relationship.

The connection was immediate and very intense. We moved extremely fast (I played a big role in this too) and met each others parents within a month of dating. There was intense attraction and we would be intimate at least 2 times a day when we were with each other, which was all the time. For the entire first year of our relationship we were both head over heals for each other and she held me in such high regard. She was the one who pushed the relationship forward in all stages: asking what we were, pushing us to move in together, asking for a promise ring for her birthday.

However, it wasn’t smooth sailing. We argued a lot and it would often devolved into intense yelling matches. We would quickly make up within 30 minutes or so and go back to being all over each other. It was very dysfunctional, but I didn’t know any better.

Everything changed when we moved in together right after our 1 year anniversary. She became highly critical of everything I did, would become distant for short bouts of time, and we fought constantly. Too her credit, I shared equal blame for this as I was poor at communicating and dealing with conflict.

Then, I was supposed to go out of town to her families on Thanksgiving, but ended up not going so I could spend it with my family. A switch flipped and she became extremely distant and cold. After a few weeks, she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and broke things off. I was devastated and set up a date with another girl a week later to try and avoid the pain. However, she reached out the day before and asked me to come over for dinner. I agreed, and we quickly jumped back into things that night. We picked up where we left off like nothing happened.

We continued having the same issues for the next 3 months before she broke things off again, saying we “needed to find ourselves” and she “needed to work on herself.

3 months later we reconnected and started sleeping together again. Communication was inconsistent and she was distant. I would go running to her every time she texted and she would just pour love and affection all over me. We’d sleep together and then she’d get distant again. I found out she had gone on 2 dates with a guy, but she claimed that they weren’t dates and she saw him as a friend. After a month, she said we should take a step back.

We didn’t talk for a month and over that time, I’m pretty sure she resumed seeing him again. She followed one of his friends back on instagram during that time and liked a picture he posted (she hadn’t like his pictures on insta in 2 years prior). I reached out after a month to ask how she was doing and she instantly asked if I wanted to go out and get drinks.

We had an amazing night, she opened up to me saying she was hopelessly in love with me and that nothing had happened between her and the other guy. We texted all weekend after that and it felt like it used to for the first time in 5 months. Then she went back to being distant again and randomly texting me once or twice a week (late at night) asking me to come over. Every time I did, she was so loving and affectionate.

Then, one night she texted me she missed me and didn’t reply back after I responded. 4 days later she broke things off and I surprisingly handled it pretty well. A week later she texted me saying I didn’t fight for our relationship and that it showed how much I cared. She claimed the main reason she did so was because I hadn’t reached out to her parents to reconcile that relationship. I, stupidly, reached out to them the next day and she texted me furious that I had done so. We didn’t talk for 3 weeks after that and then I saw a post from the guy she had been “hanging out with” on instagram of her hanging all over him dressed in matching Halloween costumes.

I was heartbroken and texted her saying she lied about him being a friend. She said she didn’t lie and eventually stopped replying.

Both her and her mom unliked his post on instagram shortly after. I stalked her social media (I know, it was dumb) and noticed that he had followed her on TikTok and she didn’t follow him back. He unfollowed her soon after. I thought maybe she was having doubts about the break up. However, she posted a picture of them a month later and now they’re following each other on TikTok. (They’re 3 months into their relationship now).

I’m hurt over the whole situation and feel like I’m grasping at straws to try and make sense of it all. Thanks for reading, I’d appreciate any input or insights any of you have on the situation.

The reason I feel she could possibly have BPD is because she was very emotionally turbulent our whole relationship, struggled with alcohol abuse, did what could possibly be splitting a lot towards the end, had terrible anger issues, and was mentally and physically ( a couple times) abusive to me.

[Emerson1720]

Sorry, this is a long one. First time doing this and I just want to get it all out and hear some feedback.

I was in a relationship for a year and a half with the only woman I’ve ever loved. We met in college and started dating our senior year. I was very codependent and it was my first real relationship.

The connection was immediate and very intense. We moved extremely fast (I played a big role in this too) and met each others parents within a month of dating. There was intense attraction and we would be intimate at least 2 times a day when we were with each other, which was all the time. For the entire first year of our relationship we were both head over heals for each other and she held me in such high regard. She was the one who pushed the relationship forward in all stages: asking what we were, pushing us to move in together, asking for a promise ring for her birthday.

However, it wasn’t smooth sailing. We argued a lot and it would often devolved into intense yelling matches. We would quickly make up within 30 minutes or so and go back to being all over each other. It was very dysfunctional, but I didn’t know any better.

Everything changed when we moved in together right after our 1 year anniversary. She became highly critical of everything I did, would become distant for short bouts of time, and we fought constantly. Too her credit, I shared equal blame for this as I was poor at communicating and dealing with conflict.

Then, I was supposed to go out of town to her families on Thanksgiving, but ended up not going so I could spend it with my family. A switch flipped and she became extremely distant and cold. After a few weeks, she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and broke things off. I was devastated and set up a date with another girl a week later to try and avoid the pain. However, she reached out the day before and asked me to come over for dinner. I agreed, and we quickly jumped back into things that night. We picked up where we left off like nothing happened.

We continued having the same issues for the next 3 months before she broke things off again, saying we “needed to find ourselves” and she “needed to work on herself.

3 months later we reconnected and started sleeping together again. Communication was inconsistent and she was distant. I would go running to her every time she texted and she would just pour love and affection all over me. We’d sleep together and then she’d get distant again. I found out she had gone on 2 dates with a guy, but she claimed that they weren’t dates and she saw him as a friend. After a month, she said we should take a step back.

We didn’t talk for a month and over that time, I’m pretty sure she resumed seeing him again. She followed one of his friends back on instagram during that time and liked a picture he posted (she hadn’t like his pictures on insta in 2 years prior). I reached out after a month to ask how she was doing and she instantly asked if I wanted to go out and get drinks.

We had an amazing night, she opened up to me saying she was hopelessly in love with me and that nothing had happened between her and the other guy. We texted all weekend after that and it felt like it used to for the first time in 5 months. Then she went back to being distant again and randomly texting me once or twice a week (late at night) asking me to come over. Every time I did, she was so loving and affectionate.

Then, one night she texted me she missed me and didn’t reply back after I responded. 4 days later she broke things off and I surprisingly handled it pretty well. A week later she texted me saying I didn’t fight for our relationship and that it showed how much I cared. She claimed the main reason she did so was because I hadn’t reached out to her parents to reconcile that relationship. I, stupidly, reached out to them the next day and she texted me furious that I had done so. We didn’t talk for 3 weeks after that and then I saw a post from the guy she had been “hanging out with” on instagram of her hanging all over him dressed in matching Halloween costumes.

I was heartbroken and texted her saying she lied about him being a friend. She said she didn’t lie and eventually stopped replying.

Both her and her mom unliked his post on instagram shortly after. I stalked her social media (I know, it was dumb) and noticed that he had followed her on TikTok and she didn’t follow him back. He unfollowed her soon after. I thought maybe she was having doubts about the break up. However, she posted a picture of them a month later and now they’re following each other on TikTok. (They’re 3 months into their relationship now).

I’m hurt over the whole situation and feel like I’m grasping at straws to try and make sense of it all. Thanks for reading, I’d appreciate any input or insights any of you have on the situation.

The reason I feel she could possibly have BPD is because she was very emotionally turbulent our whole relationship, struggled with alcohol abuse, did what could possibly be splitting a lot towards the end, had terrible anger issues, and was mentally and physically ( a couple times) abusive to me.

[PeteWitsend]

Whether or not she has BPD, I think you can say that you don't like how she has treated you, and she has not been honest with you.  I hope the only reason you're struggling to see this for what it is, and move on with your life is that you're codependent and have some growing & maturing to do.

When people here advise others to work on themselves, it's because of cases like yours.  You need to deal with your codependent tendencies if you hope to have a mature, stable fulfilling relationship some day. 

And all that being said, to answer your question about whether she is BPD or not, I think all anyone here can conclude is that she has some of the characteristics of it.  But it's not necessarily an "all or nothing" diagnosis, and a person can have strong or mild BPD characteristics.  She could also just be a very selfish and self-absorbed person, caring only about her immediate needs, and without regard to those around her. 

If I were you, I'd move on.  Block her so you don't see her posts and texts, and find someone else.  Enjoy being single. 

[Emerson1720]

I am currently in therapy and working on developing healthy habits so I can ensure that I can fulfill my own needs. I know have a lot of growth to do.

Thank you for the feedback and the reality check. The truth is part of me still wants her back and part of me knows the dynamic was unhealthy.

I know I shouldn’t want a relationship like that back.

[PeteWitsend]

I am currently in therapy and working on developing healthy habits so I can ensure that I can fulfill my own needs. I know have a lot of growth to do.

Thank you for the feedback and the reality check. The truth is part of me still wants her back and part of me knows the dynamic was unhealthy.

I know I shouldn’t want a relationship like that back.

it's okay; it's normal to some extent to have regrets and play it back in our head and wonder if we could do something differently, it would work out better.  It's hard too when you're dealing with a manipulative person that plays into that, like she did by claiming YOU needed to push harder to save a relationship that by her very actions she wasn't taking very seriously.

It took me a while to learn to take people at their word, or by their actions, and when they show you who they are, make the decision to move on.  And don't engage in fantasy thinking about how you can change them or convince them to be what you want them to be. 

Just move on.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. 

[Emerson1720]

Wow, well said.

Honestly this small convo has helped more than anything else. I’ve felt crazy the last 6 months, constantly questioning myself and the situation.

Thank you.

[SinisterComplex]

Wow, well said.

Honestly this small convo has helped more than anything else. I’ve felt crazy the last 6 months, constantly questioning myself and the situation.

Thank you.

You are not crazy. Be kind to you and focus on self-care. Your reaction and behaviors all fall in line with many here. Additionally, when dealing with a disordered person its impossible for you to understand because you live in a normal reality whereas the other person lives in a warped/twisted reality and odds are their brain wiring is literally physically different to yours. While it is hard try not to take it personally and strive to learn and grow and move on.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that (much of it sounds familiar!), especially the physical abuse. That is never OK,  but I'm glad that you reached out to us for support.

This might help for perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

[Couscous]

I know I shouldn’t want a relationship like that back.

There is a very good reason that you do want it back. If you are curious about that, then I can recommend a book that will help you explore this, called Leaving the Enchanted Forest. You might find it at your library.