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Author Topic: She repeatedly tells me to file for separation...  (Read 808 times)
who_knows11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 147


« on: January 18, 2023, 11:09:46 AM »

So my uBPDw recently started bringing up legal separation because she says she can't live with how I treat her anymore.  She went as far once as to find agreement forms on a law website and filled it out and sent pics of it to me.  I told her we would discuss it that night and she never brought it up and instead started talking about working on the marriage.  She eventually said she didn't want that and would never bring it up again, but that if I decided it's what I want then I could file and she wouldn't fight it.  That lasted a couple days until she was mad about something else and she started telling me to go ahead and file bc she was going to go ahead and let some friends know that we were separating.  I have told her that I have a problem with the back and forth stuff, the I'm leaving, no I'm not, I'm leaving, no I'm not.  I see it as manipulation and will always treat it that way. 

She has been expressing taking a big trip over spring break, just her and I.  I expressed a while back that I don't look forward to trips with her right now because of the trouble we are having and therefore it's hard for me to get excited about going.  I don't feel that the problems will go away just because we take a three thousand dollar trip to some tropical place.  What she hates about me here, she will still hate about me there.  It just doesn't make sense to me to go right now.  She keeps bringing it up though.  Last night she asked why I wasn't making more effort to make the trip happen.  I told her I still have the same feelings about going and she lost it.  I had told her a few days ago that I was going to work on having a more positive attitude about us and try to be better for her emotionally and affectionately. This was three days ago now.  She felt that me not changing my feelings about the trip was me not doing what I said I was going to do.  Why does she keep asking about it if she knows how I feel about it?  Does she actually think my feelings will be different one day to the next?  It seems like literal insanity. 

In the midst of this blow up she went to banging things and slamming doors.  Told me to file the separation bc she was done.  Said she was going to tell some friends that we were starting the process.  Then she left for about 3 hours.  No idea where she went.  She won't tell me.  Today she seems to be acting like it didn't happen.  At least that's the feeling I'm getting so far. 

As a side note, when she got home late last night she was giving me the silent treatment and went straight to take a shower.  Seems normal to most but in the 12 years I have known her it is the only time she has ever taken a shower at night.  I don't know why she did it.  Probably nothing but she has expressed in her anger before thoughts about me being open to her seeing other people for sex because we are having issues in that regard as well.  So the whole shower thing just gave me a weird vibe.  I'm just curious if anyone has any helpful thoughts on all of this?  Thanks in advance
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BigOof
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Never-ending divorce
Posts: 376



« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2023, 11:44:30 AM »

Sounds like she is splitting you hard.

Excerpt
She felt that me not changing my feelings about the trip was me not doing what I said I was going to do.  Why does she keep asking about it if she knows how I feel about it?  Does she actually think my feelings will be different one day to the next?  It seems like literal insanity.

Projection. Watch this to understand: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/xqjisw/projection/

You're better to make the first move. She never will.

You should also record her slamming doors and going on rampages. It'll be useful in the divorce.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2023, 11:50:20 AM by BigOof » Logged
yellowbutterfly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 169



« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2023, 12:54:10 PM »

I totally agree with Big Oof that this is projection. My stbx H uBPD projected onto me all the time. Lots of splitting and threatening things like divorce, cheating on me, wanting open marriage, wanting space, etc. Then it was all my fault, I needed to work on being a good partner, yada yada.

He always planned big expensive trips after these things. I fell for them and went and then suffered consequences of being blamed for the costs or being abused on them or after.



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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2023, 01:07:06 PM »

Just a thought... Is there a difference between separation versus divorce?  While many here have commented they've divorced, few if any found success (if any even tried) with separation.  Why?

The poor behaviors associated with BPD are often so deep and intense that it is very difficult to remain married, at all.  (I'm not speaking of those with less severe PD behaviors which might be manageable.)

Some separation downsides include
  • usually more of a half-measure than a solution since you're still married but no intimacy
  • you may have to pay spousal and child support
  • if you later divorce and have a second custody evaluation then the second time around the spouse may know which poor behaviors to hide
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who_knows11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 147


« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2023, 08:16:10 AM »

Sounds like she is splitting you hard.

Projection. Watch this to understand: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/xqjisw/projection/

You're better to make the first move. She never will.

You should also record her slamming doors and going on rampages. It'll be useful in the divorce.

Yeah she claims the moral high ground for herself after all of it.  She ended up telling me that she didn't want to actually do that.  She was just reacting in her emotions, and that she decided after it that she should cool down and not make an impulsive decision.  Also told me that I should be thankful that she is willing to do that.  I'll never be ok with that behavior.  It's one of my boundaries. 

I'm not doing things well as far as my affection and emotional connection with her.  The last several years of dealing with things as put me in a mindset where I don't want to.  I know that isn't good for a marriage.  I used to be good at those things even though I'm not comfortable doing them.  I thought I could handle her splitting as long as I needed to.  Turns out I was wrong.  I used to tell her I was fine when it would happen (this was before I stumbled onto the BPD thoughts), and it was true.  I really was fine.  Until I wasn't.  That's not fair to her per say but it's what happened and now we have to decide what to do presently.

I can see the projection.  Often in many places.  It's funny because she so often starts accusing me of things that I'm thinking about her, even though I've never expressed them verbally.  Truly amazing how often it happens
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who_knows11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 147


« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2023, 08:34:58 AM »

I totally agree with Big Oof that this is projection. My stbx H uBPD projected onto me all the time. Lots of splitting and threatening things like divorce, cheating on me, wanting open marriage, wanting space, etc. Then it was all my fault, I needed to work on being a good partner, yada yada.

He always planned big expensive trips after these things. I fell for them and went and then suffered consequences of being blamed for the costs or being abused on them or after.





My wife has always liked the big trips.  I used to enjoy them as well even though I wished we were less liberal with our money.  It was fine bc I knew it was something that she liked.  Now my personality just says it's not logical to spend that money when I know the problems will still exist when we get back.  Of course, when I express this to her she just says "of course it won't be a good trip, you're setting it up for failure with your attitude."  I can't help how I feel though.
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who_knows11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 147


« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2023, 08:38:27 AM »

Just a thought... Is there a difference between separation versus divorce?  While many here have commented they've divorced, few if any found success (if any even tried) with separation.  Why?

The poor behaviors associated with BPD are often so deep and intense that it is very difficult to remain married, at all.  (I'm not speaking of those with less severe PD behaviors which might be manageable.)

Some separation downsides include
  • usually more of a half-measure than a solution since you're still married but no intimacy
  • you may have to pay spousal and child support
  • if you later divorce and have a second custody evaluation then the second time around the spouse may know which poor behaviors to hide


Not really a big difference I wouldn't think.  It was just something she brought up.  She claims it's what we would do if we still wanted to have a chance at our marriage in the future.  Everything she says comes from the perspective that she is trying to save us and I am not
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2023, 07:08:20 PM »

Over 15 years ago when I met my divorce lawyer (a recommendation from a novice lawyer who knew she was out of her depth) I recall him telling  me he'd been a lawyer for 17 years and before that a police officer, yet in all those years he had done only two legal separations.  He said none involved conflict and one was so the couple could live separate lives but, get this, still be covered by health insurance.

My conclusion was that legal separation is only a half-measure and not a solution in our sort of cases.
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Go3737
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married/not legally but separated
Posts: 60


« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2023, 08:44:55 AM »

Excerpt
As a side note, when she got home late last night she was giving me the silent treatment and went straight to take a shower.  Seems normal to most but in the 12 years I have known her it is the only time she has ever taken a shower at night.  I don't know why she did it.  Probably nothing but she has expressed in her anger before thoughts about me being open to her seeing other people for sex because we are having issues in that regard as well.  So the whole shower thing just gave me a weird vibe.  I'm just curious if anyone has any helpful thoughts on all of this?  Thanks in advance

Cheating behavior.

I am in the middle of divorcing my wife of 39 years.
I couldn't take the alcoholic BPD Rages anymore.
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DarthPooh

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 9


« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2023, 06:56:51 PM »

W_K11, Expect her to file for divorce and find some man-hating lawyer to rake you over the coals.  Just to guard yourself and your wallet, get a free consultation with the top divorce lawyers in your area.  If you speak with them, and tell them your situation, she won't be able to hire them.  Be sure to speak with the top lawyers that women may hire to sue their husbands as well.

As for the trip, she's excited about it and the part of her that likes you wants to have that romantic get-away with you.  She wants to feel loved and wanted by you and your not being into a vacation with her sends the signal that you don't care.  Of course she's going to explode.  Even a non-BPD would be triggered.  I know your understanding/patern recognition tells you that the vacation wouldn't be all fun and relaxing, but brining up her pattern of behavior is another trigger.

I hope you protect youself and don't get caught by surprise with a divorce filing against you.  She is telegraphing it. 

Best wishes,
-DP
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