This is exhausting

[Nopuppets]

I haven’t posted in a while.  In my immediate family we’ve had a lot going on.  One daughter had surgery in the fall and fortunately biopsy results from a tumor that was removed were benign.  A very stressful month of waiting to say the least.  We have been assured it was a relatively standard occurrence and now she’s good to go thank goodness!  Then Husband lost his job in a mass layoff, fortunately just went back to work in what seems to be a much better environment.  Anywho, his former work environment and then layoff was a stressor on my family.  Did my parents care?  Um, seemingly not.  It seems to still be all about my uBPD mother and her list of complaints.  And now my father who is clearly in her camp, probably so she won’t rail on him.  But, I believe he has dementia and she refuses to check that out.  And now they both text and call my teenagers and remind them of how long it’s been since they’ve last seen them.  So I’m feeling like they are now trying to FOG my kids.  The kids are annoyed for the most part.  We did not see them over the holidays and I have since gotten a passive aggressive note from one of my aunts, her sister, who is a flying monkey.  There was a family holiday gathering where I’m sure my ears were burning.  I’m so over this BS!  We live 12 hours away and I still have two kids at home so how am I supposed to take care of two other adults that act like toddlers? 

After the family gathering I spoke to my mother.  She informed me that one of my cousins, who lives far away, came because he loves his family.  And then two of my cousins sat with she and my dad because, “they enjoy being around us”.  I didn’t respond and changed the subject.  I know at some point I will have to visit or I will officially be the black sheep until the end of time.  Two aunts have already pretty much cut off contact with me and my immediate family.  And one, who always sends my kids a Christmas gift, did not send them a gift this year.  I don’t care about the actual gift, but why even risk hurting a kid’s feelings?  So am I crazy to think my mother is spreading evil about us?  Sorry for the rant and thank you for listening as this group is a lifesaver! 

[Notwendy]

I haven’t posted in a while.  In my immediate family we’ve had a lot going on.  One daughter had surgery in the fall and fortunately biopsy results from a tumor that was removed were benign.  A very stressful month of waiting to say the least.  We have been assured it was a relatively standard occurrence and now she’s good to go thank goodness!  Then Husband lost his job in a mass layoff, fortunately just went back to work in what seems to be a much better environment.  Anywho, his former work environment and then layoff was a stressor on my family.  Did my parents care?  Um, seemingly not.  It seems to still be all about my uBPD mother and her list of complaints.  And now my father who is clearly in her camp, probably so she won’t rail on him.  But, I believe he has dementia and she refuses to check that out.  And now they both text and call my teenagers and remind them of how long it’s been since they’ve last seen them.  So I’m feeling like they are now trying to FOG my kids.  The kids are annoyed for the most part.  We did not see them over the holidays and I have since gotten a passive aggressive note from one of my aunts, her sister, who is a flying monkey.  There was a family holiday gathering where I’m sure my ears were burning.  I’m so over this BS!  We live 12 hours away and I still have two kids at home so how am I supposed to take care of two other adults that act like toddlers? 

After the family gathering I spoke to my mother.  She informed me that one of my cousins, who lives far away, came because he loves his family.  And then two of my cousins sat with she and my dad because, “they enjoy being around us”.  I didn’t respond and changed the subject.  I know at some point I will have to visit or I will officially be the black sheep until the end of time.  Two aunts have already pretty much cut off contact with me and my immediate family.  And one, who always sends my kids a Christmas gift, did not send them a gift this year.  I don’t care about the actual gift, but why even risk hurting a kid’s feelings?  So am I crazy to think my mother is spreading evil about us?  Sorry for the rant and thank you for listening as this group is a lifesaver! 

I am happy for you and your daughter and glad she is OK - and that your H got a new job. Your situation is familiar. In my FOO, it's all about BPD mother and she also enlisted her relatives to her side of things. For my mother, people are either on her side or not her side and so I was not on the "her side".

My father, in his elder years, also lost some judgment, but also, I think he got tired of resisting my mother's demands so he just went along with them. At some point, they seemed to become one person. Her world view and wishes just predominated, he'd say the same thing she'd say. He's deceased now and sometimes it seems she sounds just like him, but I think it was that he just adopted her way of things. I thought that was him, but it was actually her ideas.

My BPD mother also texts my kids. It concerned me when they were teens but they are young adults now. What I have done is reinforce their boundaries. If they don't want to communicate with her, I don't force it. On occasion, if she knows we are all together, she does elicit some guilt on my part to call her. Last Thanksgiving "Please have the kids call me, I will be all alone that day" but this is balanced with wanting to do some of this because to not call her sometime seems too disrespectful. So the kids will say a few words to her but they are also doing it for the same reason, to at least be respectful that she's their grandmother, but they don't go along with her dynamics. Sometimes they don't answer her texts. They can do what they want about them. I think that the best thing you can do is reinforce your own kids boundaries with your mother.

It does make me sad when she pulls someone into "her side" but I am also at the point where if anyone has a close relationship with her, I keep an emotional distance from them. For anyone to try to be close to both of us would be cognitive dissonance. Either what she says is true, or what I say is true- and I don't think it's a good idea to clarify what she says about me. It would only make me look as if I was badmouthing her. With these relatives, I remain polite, cordial, and don't get into any emotional conversations. I can't change what anyone thinks about me. They would have to come to their own opinion.

It's sad that your mother is disordered and it seems that she creates disorder with people around her. You can create your close family with the ones you have- your H, your kids and keep that safe. It's hard when the people you care about don't approve but they have no right to judge or interfere with your family.

[Couscous]

The way I now see it is that I have successfully defected from my family, and I am feeling quite proud of myself for having done so. All but my black sheep brother have sided against me, and I actually feel A-OK. My only regret is that I didn’t get to this place sooner, but I just couldn’t believe that it was really going to come to this. Escaping a toxic family system is as hard as so I’m going to cut myself some slack on that.

I am now of the firm belief that if there’s a pwBPD in the family, all roads lead to NC. Wishing you all the best.

[Woolspinner2000]

My step-dad (who was the SO of my uBPDm) asks me every phone call when I'm coming to visit him. He lives halfway across the US in my mom's old house. She died in 2012, and he hasn't changed anything in the house. Each time I go back to visit, it's like being in my mom's presence again. I just can't do it anymore, no matter how much I love my step-dad. He likes to manipulate, and I can see it so clearly now. The last phone call ended with a new twist for him: "If you love me, you'd come to visit."

No visit will ever fulfill the deep need he has. His loneliness is sad, yet it's something he's set up himself by burning his bridges with all his friends. His need for company cannot be met by me. The obligation and guilt kicks in for me, and I need to face that on my part and decide what is healthiest for me. I think I'm going to tell him that when I can come to visit, he'll be one of the first to know. It's a way to put him off and free me from the obligation.

We definitely all learned obligation really well as the children of a pwBPD.

Wools

[Mommydoc]

Ugh, it seems so obvious when you hear it in someone else’s post “ if you loved me, you would fill in the blank”. Pure manipulation!   Because we are loving individuals of course it generates feelings of guilt. Because they know us, they know exactly how to press our guilt button! 

She informed me that one of my cousins, who lives far away, came because he loves his family.

 Or Woolspinner2000’s step dad saying

"If you love me, you'd come to visit."

My sister did the same thing this week.   And even when I recognize it, I still feel guilty.   But at least we all recognize the manipulation that those “ if you loved me” statements represent.