I need to work on radical acceptance of my need to work on radical acceptance...

[thepixies21]

Now that I'm not running from my own unhappiness in my relationship, my life, I'm faced with the reality of my circumstances, and it is pretty overwhelming and painful. No more distractions, no more excuses, just looking at what I'm dealing with here. And it sucks. I did a LOT of journaling this weekend, I went hiking, and I had therapy. I'm noticing the pain is a little better today, I can see and feel a little glimmer of myself, but it's still there.

I think what set things off is I watched the first season of White Lotus, and there was just something about the story with the newlywed couple (I won't go into spoilers in case someone is going to watch), the way she kept putting up with his behavior, that hit way too close to home. I mean, my circumstances are definitely different, we're not rich, and we're not in a tropical paradise. We are in the suburbs in the snow. But the bottom line is similar. It sent me into a little bit of a shame spiral. I have a hard time shifting from blaming myself for all this into actually spending my energy doing positive things that are going to help me feel better. So I'm working on radical acceptance, and I gotta tell you, I am really bad at this. But I know I need to do it. I read through the workshop on here and it was helpful.

One way I've been thinking about it today, because I love horror movies, is the trope of the "final girl". Everything is going wrong, everything is against her and she wants to give up. It feels hopeless and the situation is miserable. And then she realizes that no one else is going to save her or get her out of the situation and she survives by taking care of herself. I think I just need to learn to channel my own inner Laurie Strode. If I want to survive this I gotta help myself. I need to accept this reality and focus on the things that are in my control.

If anyone else has strategies for how they think about or implement radical acceptance I would love to hear about it. Thanks. :-)

[guitarguy09]

Glad you are here Pixies! Definitely the right place to come for helpful advice on this difficult (to say the least) topic. I took a look at your posts to get a look at your situation. It sounds very similar to mine. My BPD wife is a stay at home mom, and always talks about getting a job but never does even though we don’t have kids under school age anymore. She has alienated all her friends from her life and has tried to do the same with her family and my family. Leaning on her for emotional support is very flimsy. I feel bad for you about your husband’s outbursts in public. That has to be very hard to deal with. Throwing things is something my wife does too, and it always stresses me out to the max, especially if it’s something that will end up costing me money as I’m the only income in the house.

I love the final girl and Laurie Strode reference. I'm a big Halloween fan and horror movie fan. And my BPD wife and I also live in a snowy suburb and are not rich. Lol.

Looking at your situation honestly and through an outsider's eyes is a hard thing to do and have to face. I've come to grips with my own situation, albeit a little different because I'm a man and you're a woman in your own situation. For me, I’m just riding this out and doing the best I can. I know there’s probably someone out there for me that’s a much better fit and someone I can truly love. But I don’t have the money and I’m not sure I want the ugliness of a divorce with the kids in the house.

What are your plans now that you’re facing your reality? My advice would be to make a list of things you have to do that a person in a normal relationship wouldn’t. Also make a plan for what to do if things get out control (where you can go temporarily etc.). May I ask how long you've been married? For me it's been 12 years and every year but the 1st one has been pretty rough with similar things you described, it's just degrees of getting used to it and making the best of it.

[SaltyDawg]

If anyone else has strategies for how they think about or implement radical acceptance I would love to hear about it. Thanks. :-)

Here is mine, it is non-standard, but this is what works for me...

One of the components of my version of radical acceptance is to pre-forgive, in essence, I know the reality of my situation is that my wife will eventually transgress against me in the form of gas lighting when she is splitting me black. Since I know this to be a fact [based on historical patterns], I know this is going to happen again, as long as I know that she is not deliberately doing this, and I see that she is being triggered by external forces; therefore, I have already forgiven her for what she does not know that she is about to do. That's what makes it radical.

Part of radical acceptance is "Once individuals can accept [forgiveness] reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made" and I have added forgiving her in the accepted part of reality, even though I do not approve of her actions and will state as much when it is happening to me.  I would like to coin the term "radical forgiveness,"  however somebody already beat me to it in 1997. [Now I have something else to look up since it looks like what I'm already doing].

In essence I have mentally compartmentalized my wife's bad behavior as being attributable to her mental state of mind, and she is 'not guilty by reason of insanity' literally, and that is how I treat it when she splits me black.

I hope this make sense to you.  Let me know if you have any questions...

[cranmango]

Hi Pixies, just want to quickly chime in and say that your post resonated with me. I am also battling my own shame spiral, and trying to redirect my energy toward positive change for me.

Also a big horror movie fan (just watched Scream 5 last night). Your 'final girl' metaphor rings true. No hero is going to swoop in and save us at the last minute. We can only save ourselves.

However, you aren't alone! There are folks rooting for you, including us on this Board.

Hang in there. Keep pushing forward, one small step at a time.

[LifewithEase]

Pixies,

You're amazing!

That's it. Just a simple reminder that with what you posted it says you got this. Your post resonated and was wise. It is hard, no? I always forget to lean on my better self.

There is something in what you wrote, the way you weaved wider world fabric into your challenge that gave me the confidence that you know well how strong your "self" is.

Keep sharing.