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Author Topic: Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results  (Read 135 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 24

« on: January 25, 2023, 12:30:58 AM »

I wrote an email. It was suppose to be my closure. It is if I allow it to be. I didn’t think she would reply since she changed her social media to private for me, and didn’t reply to messages on app. I told her I won’t contact her again since I don’t know how she feels and don’t want to cause distress.
She wrote back with a sorry you had a hard time. You can message me anytime, you cause me no distress. This attitude that nothing happened, and not replying to what was said in email. It’s the twighlight zone. I know I need to stop the cycle of trying to figure her out. It keeps me stuck. It also is so hard to grasp this person who was WAY more intense about our relationship/fear of separation is now so nonchalant about not talking. I have zero desire to be partnered with her, but hang on to the illusion of friendship. Her response has taught me our friendship would be so fake. And nonsensical.
I understand splitting, but this doesn’t feel like devaluing. It just feels like denial/avoidance. How common is it for someone to be able to be vulnerable and real again? She had amazing insight at one point and then gone. 
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 161

« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2023, 04:13:44 AM »

I mean, I think they play a lot of parts, but they aren't self aware enough to have a lot of insight, in my opinion, but I don't know her, so I can't say anything about your situation. They're in so much denial, it's ridiculous. You can find cracks in their denial, if you look for it. Call them out in the right way, and they'll crumble for a moment. Be really kind to them, sympathetic with why they the way they are, it'll crumble for a moment, but it won't last.

They don't want to face who they are, all the pain, all the shame, all the fear, all the regret, all the sorrow. So they use smoke and mirror, tricks on themselves, tricks on others, all to ward off the pain, but it'll never fix it. The only way to fix it, is the courage to face it.

I actually sympathize a lot with them, even though I'm just beyond angry at a lot of people in my life who probably had BPD or similar traits. But, you can't help them, you can't work with them in any genuine and substantial way. It'll either be shallow, or abusive, because if you let them in, they take advantage of it, every time. It takes TONS of hard work, to really overcome the trauma that causes these disorders, like probably a decade of hard work (or more). But no matter how much you tell them it's worth it, most of them are just too scared, they're too attached to their smoke and mirrors, their tricks, their sad way to survive.

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 24

« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2023, 05:52:12 PM »

Thank you for the reminders. Yes, all of what you said is true. She was insightful until she wasn’t. She did tell me she was really scared  to look at her past trauma and get a therapist, and how much she admired me because I was willing to do it. She was like a little kid crying in front of me of how scary it was and she didn’t want to hurt. Then would get nosebleeds. I need to not get caught up in the smoke and mirrors because I do know the truth. I have seen her inner traumatized child and it is heartbreaking. The “I’m fine, in no distress, no biggie” attitude about our breakup is to protect herself. I can see it on days I feel grounded and then on trigger days I believe the smoke and mirrors that torture me.. I want to get to the point where I can be happy she wouldn’t be in distress versus seeking that validation that she grieved us and missed me. I know in my heart she does/did which is why the smoke and mirrors are her armor. The hardest breakup of my life and I’m in my 40s!
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