I am over it but she wants counseling

[MariannaR]

It's been a long time since I've posted.  My former uBPD best friend (at times more like partner) and I had a high-conflict, emotionally abusive dynamic.  After a lot of work I am finally over it all. I did a period of no-contact. Through all of it, she wants to maintain the friendship. I do not, but I can't bring myself to block her or take any drastic action. I feel badly for her, and at times I miss the intense friendship we had.

Now we somehow have agreed to go to counseling together. My therapist told me not to do it, and I feel deeply that there's no way I'd be vulnerable in this therapy anyway. She uses what I say against me, especially if it's something vulnerable. I don't see the therapist picking up on this right away and I don't want to get sucked into a conflict again and risk sinking back to the depression and PTSD I was in.

The reason I want to do therapy is 1. I want her to have access to help. 2. I have to admit I am curious how the therapist will approach it and maybe I can learn more skills, and 3. Sadly, I am still looking for someone else who knows and interacts with her to see exactly what she has done to me over the years - the validation that my experience was real. I still sort of wish for my friend to admit what has happened was not all my fault.  Probably not a good reason for therapy.

Is this therapy a bad idea?

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, I know it's your choice, but it does seem like a bad option to me. I know you feel sorry for her, but she plays the victim to garner sympathy. I mean, technically, they are victims of their childhood, but they garner sympathy for attention, and to escape responsibility. Also, I don't see any person with BPD suddenly admitting fault to a high degree, they don't have the self awareness to do that. It would be like getting a 5 year old to admit a complicated set of circumstances is on them.

[Couscous]

Sadly, I am still looking for someone else who knows and interacts with her to see exactly what she has done to me over the years - the validation that my experience was real. I still sort of wish for my friend to admit what has happened was not all my fault.  Probably not a good reason for therapy.

You can get to a place where you no longer need anyone else’s validation about what you went through. It can take time to get to that point, but it is totally possible. Hang in there!

[MariannaR]

Update on the therapy.  We had a first session, online, and I thought it went all right, with each of us describing (carefully) what our experience was and what we hoped for.  It seemed pretty warm and positive.

She and I tried to debrief the session a bit today, and it did not go well.  She claimed that I showed no humility in the session, nor did I open up and share enough. Again, I fell in the trap of trying to explain. It escalated with her shouting that I don't love her, I can't show love, I don't care, etc.  And there was me shouting back, against my better judgment.

Then she said she was done with the friendship, feels no hope, blocked me on everything, and contacted the therapist herself, and apparently they talked.  The T is going to meet with each of us separately.

I'm a mess... I thought I was long over this, but I am still finding this all so triggering.  I still need that pesky validation and I know I need to get it from myself. A little voice tells me I knew better and pushed her toward this result. I'm sad and out of sorts, foggy. Filled with regret at the choices I've made and not made.

[Pook075]

A few questions...and thank you for sharing this.

#1- How long have the two of you been "separated"?  Maybe that's not the right word since you weren't strictly a couple, but how long have you been distant?

#2- Are you surprised how your friend reacted in the debrief today?  Or was that typical of your relationship towards the end?

#3- Do you regret the therapy session now?  Or did you still gain some insight that made the process worth it?

[MariannaR]

A few questions...and thank you for sharing this.

#1- How long have the two of you been "separated"?  Maybe that's not the right word since you weren't strictly a couple, but how long have you been distant?

#2- Are you surprised how your friend reacted in the debrief today?  Or was that typical of your relationship towards the end?

#3- Do you regret the therapy session now?  Or did you still gain some insight that made the process worth it?

Thanks for asking!  #1 - we have been separated for 3 years (I think I'd use this word - it's weird as we identified as friends but everything about it was like an exclusive relationship).

#2 - You know, I am actually not surprised. I'm surprised at how dense I can be, because I should have known. I don't believe she really has the capability to self-examine, and any attempt by others will be seen as rejection or criticism. I believe the debrief was her way of not having to continue therapy and face that. BUT I did not handle it well - I continued to try to get her to understand.  I just have to forgive myself for getting in that hole again.

#3 - No psychological insight from the session itself, but maybe the insight that it's truly my responsibility to maintain this separation for myself and for her. I regret it a bit - because of how bad it made me feel, guilty that I am motivated by thinking with the right help she'll understand how she behaves, and trying to receive validation for what I went through.

I will meet with the therapist next week by myself, but I don't know what I am going to say.

[Pook075]

Thanks for asking!  #1 - we have been separated for 3 years (I think I'd use this word - it's weird as we identified as friends but everything about it was like an exclusive relationship).

Thanks for the answers and I'm so sorry you're going through this after so long.

#2 - You know, I am actually not surprised. I'm surprised at how dense I can be, because I should have known. I don't believe she really has the capability to self-examine, and any attempt by others will be seen as rejection or criticism. I believe the debrief was her way of not having to continue therapy and face that. BUT I did not handle it well - I continued to try to get her to understand.  I just have to forgive myself for getting in that hole again.

Maybe you should have known, but trying to repair the friendship for the sake of being a good person does not make you wrong.  It just means you have a good heart and tried to do what you thought was best.  I feel that pull myself after 7 months of separation- I know not to have anything to do with her, yet there are days when all I want to do is reach out.  And I don't think that's the codependency thing, it feels deeper than that...just a genuine love for a friend that's suffering and our potential role to fix that.

#3 - No psychological insight from the session itself, but maybe the insight that it's truly my responsibility to maintain this separation for myself and for her. I regret it a bit - because of how bad it made me feel, guilty that I am motivated by thinking with the right help she'll understand how she behaves, and trying to receive validation for what I went through.

I will meet with the therapist next week by myself, but I don't know what I am going to say.

Well, you said that you felt the therapy itself went okay, it was only the debrief the next day where things fell apart.  So maybe speaking with the therapist can help you find some extra context to this.  It's okay for this to be about you and what you need, please don't forget that.  Thanks again for answering!

[MariannaR]

 And I don't think that's the codependency thing, it feels deeper than that...just a genuine love for a friend that's suffering and our potential role to fix that.

I agree - it is something deeper. There is genuine love there on our part, but there is an inability to give/receive it in a way that is sustainable on their part.

[Couscous]

And I don't think that's the codependency thing, it feels deeper than that...just a genuine love for a friend that's suffering and our potential role to fix that.

In fact, the desire to fix someone is essentially the defining feature of codependency.