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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Harv

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« on: February 03, 2023, 06:46:33 PM »

I have been married for 31 years. Wife and I have had some rough times. We both come from homes where one parent committed suicide and the other was abusive or both were. Everything has been choppy over the years and she and I have had counseling/therapy and marriage counseling as well. In 2006, my wife had a car accident that destroyed her tibial plateau in her right leg. In addition she has a bad heart valve and a couple benign brain tumors. Our house is two story, so I bought her a lift chair and got a PC and TV setup for her down there and there is a 1/2 bath.

She homeschooled our two boys, who are 25 and 31 now. I never thought about the snide comments or physical/emotional distancing until recently. Our communication got steadiliy worse over the years between 2006 and 2015. Now I have CPTSD and she is bipolar and BPD. I always thought BPD was an abbreviation for bipolar disorder. Oops. I have been controlling and was terribly codependent with her after the accident. I took over everything and did it all. I realize my part in all of this, but the really odd stuff is coming up.

She came to me in 2015 and said she was having an online relationship with someone, and that she needed more in the relationship, BDSM. Stated she was a submissive and needs the power exchange, etc. I decided to investigate the lifestyle and we gave it a go. I should have known better in hindsight as the high impact stuff brought back the triggers of childhood abuse.

I quit going to things and we are rolling along into 2017. She slips and falls at the spa and has a brain bleed, 1 week in hospital. Comes home, starts acting odd, going online posting stuff still to the BDSM forums. I told her to stop. She blew up at me, I dissassociated and said some things very nasty, she panicked and left with the boys for two weeks.

She came back and we were going to go to counseling. We went to a few sessions together and she went to about 8 alone. I went to individual therapy. My guy said I seemed to have a decent handle on things, but needed to work on the childhood issues. Well a few months go by and she decides to go to her mother's a few states away. I dont hear from her for 3 days. I find out she wrecked the van, 2nd one, and has been in the hospital. So I go of course, and when I get there, she states the doctor would not treat her and a bunch of other odd things. I get that straightened out, and we head home. She also says her mom and sister would not buy her a phone or call me for the 3 days. Again I thought it was a family issue, but still odd.

A couple weeks later she gets all liquored up and gets mean and nasty. She has never done this. We argue over BDSM and relationship issues. I left the room and went to my bedroom. She followed me and unloaded again. I told her in no simple terms I wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle and if she needed that kind of sex, I was not attracted to it or her in that way would not do it. I told her we would be like roommates for the time being then.

Since that time I have approached her several times for marriage counseling, but she is not interested. She just states I stole her safety. No physical intimacy, no sex and just acts like we are nothing but good friends or coworkers. Fine, I will work on myself. I kept approaching her, but she was indifferent. At the same time she acts like we are best friends and still relies on me for most everything.

So, apart from the sexless marriage, we got along fine, her sexual desire disappeared for 3 years and we just chug along. Approx six months ago she begain masturbating to porn and got back on the forums and started sending pictures to men online, etc. I approached her again about counseling and attempting to fix things. Nope, you stole my safety.

So October rolls around and she has an accident with the van. Sound familiar? Well she comes home after the accident and starts unloading on me. We talk for awhile and then I bring up intimacy and sex and counseling. Immediately next words out of her mouth she wants a divorce, all of a sudden. Um ok, but it is not like I have not been working on my issues and improving. Nope, she has decided I have not been a husband to her for 7 years. Evidently only sex really matters to her in these situations. She has been very busy texting and sending pics, masturbating to porn and staying in the BDSM chat forums. I called her on the porn issue and that was a bad call.

Anytime I approach her to talk about issues, I am screamed at or told there is nothing to discuss. I assisted her with getting job applications in as she has not been employeed in 20 years. She is obese and has all these issues, including PTSD and anxiety. She is 54 and in bad shape.

I never saw the pattern of behavior from the past, her going to counseling for a few sessions and quitting then. Things would be better for awhile and go to hell. Everyone she has friended in life she finds some way they greviously harmed her and has no friends. She has online folks and these folks on the sex forums, but they are not ones  I would count. I never noticed the way she would use being downstairs as an excuse not to come to bed with me, but she can move around fine to bake, bathe, etc.

When she needs help or wants something, she is sweet as pie, otherwise I am dirt or just dismissed. Once the issue she wants resolved/addressed, it is like I just physically disappeared from the room and she will go back to the phone chats.

I am wondering how many times she has split on me. I also realize how toxic our relationship became after a couple years following the 2006 accident. I have been mostly ignoring her lately. She is going to do well and end up with 1/2 of both my retirements from the .gov and the military. I just do not understand the entire last 15 years.

I also do not understand the lightswitch behavior with me. No sorry, no emotion, just matter of fact, the last 31 years are like a mirage. I went to therapy Wed and asked the therapist if I was BPD, Narcissistic, etc. After an hour and a half, she said I was definitely CPTSD candidate, but my wife's behaviors were not good.

So what do you all say? Maybe I am the problem. I just am shocked by how she is going through these periods of depression then hypersexual and inappropriate. At the same time I am a stranger in my own home
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BigOof
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Relationship status: Never-ending divorce
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2023, 08:12:32 AM »

Does she ever talk about committing suicide?

No kids, right?
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Harv

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2023, 10:12:07 AM »

No suicidial tendencies. For all I know, she may be the well regulated one in this relationship with an outlet for her needs, and I am the hosed up one. I think we both may have issues that are very close/overlapping. CPTSD and BPD are not that uncommon to overlap. I have to go see the psyc next week, and my therapist has done several things with me to nail things down. For all I know, I may be high functioning BPD or have traits and split on the wife at the same time she did me in 2018. Either way, things are not horrible here and we will be able to at least separate in May. It seems our grown boys are the one thing that we agree upon and are set in our future plans for at least work on those relationships. Thinking  back to my childhood and my father's abuse, I believe he was a high functioning as well, but also had alcoholism issues.

In my case, if I have BPD or some traits, I have no self harm/suicidal tendencies, nor do I have impulsive behavior. Guess this thread took an odd turn. As things progress I will keep everyone updated. Just to reinforce things though, the prior post about my wife and behavior and desires once again I validated and discussed with her. No matter the final outcome of all of this, her behavior and lifestyle choice will not be compatible with mine.
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kells76
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2023, 11:13:55 AM »

Hi Harv, welcome to the group -- 31 years is a long time, glad you decided to reach out.

Sounds like you're having a lot of insights recently; I'm reading you mention not seeing her patterns (bailing on counseling etc) in the past, but you are now. Maybe a lot of pieces falling into place, now that you've had that lightbulb moment of "BPD = borderline".

There have been other members here, too, who have noticed strong BPD traits/behaviors show up in a partner after an accident or other high-stress/traumatic occurrence. So your situation makes sense, that things have gotten worse and weirder since her accidents.

In terms of her "flipping a switch" behavior, yes, it does sound very similar to how pwBPD behave. For them, part of the disorder is "feelings equal facts" (i.e., if I feel a feeling, then that is an absolute truth about the world), and it is difficult for pwBPD to have a sense of perspective about "well, even though I feel this way now, that doesn't mean that it has always been that way". If a pwBPD feels angry, and sees you, they may process it as (a) "you are around and I'm angry, therefore you made me angry" and (b) "I have always felt this way and this is always how it is".

It can take a lot of commitment to therapy for a pwBPD to "rewire" their deeply-ingrained disordered perceptions and beliefs. It's not impossible, just a big commitment and a challenge.

In terms of "am I the problem" -- I wouldn't call it a "yes or no" question. There is typically a dynamic in a relationship that both parties contribute to. However, just because both parties contribute, that doesn't mean that both contributions are equal. Yes, like you realize, you may have played a part via codependent behaviors after her accident. Yet here you are, open to learning more, making things less worse, and trying to grow. You aren't responsible for her choices, behaviors, or contribution to the relational dynamic -- she is. The counselor you saw sounds wise to recognize that yes, you bring some stuff to the table, that you can choose to work on (CPTSD), and also, you aren't the only one contributing.

It makes sense that you can reflect on your W's behaviors and lifestyle choices, and think about your own values and boundaries, and decide what you will and won't let into your life. We're here to walk alongside you as you figure out how to move forward and what that'll look like -- with her, separate, whatever you choose.

Glad you'll keep us updated. Take a look around the site and check out some of the articles (up in the "Tips" menu above) and let us know your thoughts.

Again, welcome;

kells76
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2023, 02:28:55 PM »

She homeschooled our two boys, who are 25 and 31 now...

I quit going to things and we are rolling along into 2017... she panicked and left with the boys for two weeks.

In 2017 your boys would have been adult men.  Frankly, it was their adult choice to go or stay.  Why did they take the effort to leave?  Are they able to observe and make objective decisions?  Did your spouse's homeschooling influence why they would have left with her?

Maybe I am the problem.

The times you lost your cool was in reaction to her extreme behavior.  You weren't the aggressor.  Though not good, I would suggest you're the less problematic person.

Typically when people join us here and ask whether they're the problem, we can determine from the structure of the posts that people who can question, ponder and examine themselves are the ones who are the reasonably normal ones.
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Harv

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2023, 06:46:52 PM »

The issue with the boys, both were still in college at the time, and living at home. Yes daddy was a bit demonized and I believe she convinced them they would be better off coming with her. Her behavior becomes more and more bizzare daily. My oldest is living with us right now going through some things.

She stays downstairs and he and I are upstairs. I am hoping she gets some interviews for employement for the entry level .gov jobs she has applied for. Once she is employed and has a few checks, she will be heading out. I figure by July my son and I will be here, and she will have moved back close to her mother. Thing is, her sisters and mother are the ones that abused her during her childhood and made her.

Her and I will be gifting the house to my son and his soon to be wife next year. Instead of taking a big loss due to some upgrades needing to be done, I would rather give him something of value for a inheritance. I dont have much, pretty simple life.

That is the one big property issue to settle and she is in agreement. She will get 1/2 of both of our retirements, .gov and military as property settlement. That will amount to about 2 grand a month.

Once she is employed, even as a lower grade, making 30-38k a year, that plus the 2 grand is going to put her income over mine by about the amount of the retirements.

There will be no alimony due to that fact that her income will far exceed mine.  It is the cleanest and quickest way I see out of this and she is not fighting it. Since we were married the whole time, she earned 1/2 of both of those anyway.

I will be able to have that all done by the .gov and never have to deal with her again. Once everything is final, I am booking to somewhere, changing my phone number and going no contact. I have my own issues and such, but she is unable and unwilling to get any treatment and wants things I consider repulsive.

I violated my own hard boundary with the BDSM and should have known better and stood my ground. Instead, I compromised myself mentally and emotionally. Her consistant and unacceptable use of porn and online chats with men and others to get off is disgusting. I told her straight up she is revictimizing herself
and hard wiring her brain for some bad times coming up. I was of course yelled at and told to F off, screaming of course.

One good thing that did come out of all of this is that I am getting better due to seeking treatment.  I am learning how to modify my behavior and deal with the trauma from my childhood. A couple years from now I will look back at this and wonder what took so long.
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SaltyDawg
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2023, 01:25:49 PM »

Thanks for sharing your story.

Your situation is a bit worse than mine in many aspects, and less worse in others, and I am still in my situation for over 22 years now and I am on a pension too.  My pwBPD has had 6 suicide attempts in front of me - that freaked me out - be glad that you have not experienced that as 70% of pwBPD will do at least one attempt in their lifetime.

Regarding you thinking that you are the messed up one with a version of BPD, I thought that too with all of the trash talk I was getting from my pwBPD [person with BPD] which eroded my sense of self over the years.  It wound up being projection and transference from her to me.  If you think you have BPD, there is a very good chance that you do not have it, as those with PD's generally are not self-aware that they are disordered.

I had my individual T [PhD in psychology] and his supervisor/trainer evaluated me not once, but twice, they each did an evaluation.  I don't have BPD [whew - that's a relief].  However, I likely have codependent tendencies which I am currently exploring with my individual T.

However as a lot of what you said resonates with me, that said, please do look at being 'codependent' which has many of the same traits of BPD, just fewer of them, and less intense - but very impactful none the less.

It sounds like you have a good exit strategy, I will likely do the same in 7 more years when my youngest child is out of the house.  I am also maneuvering the finances to something similar to what you are doing, many parallels here.

I will share with you a strategy that has been very good to me.  #1 - SELF CARE - Continue your individual therapy, it sounds like you have a good therapist; however, if you are no longer growing individually look for a better one.  I also come here to vent, my T strongly encourages it.  Exercise outside, walks/hikes/bike rides in nature whatever works for you.  I also take long hot showers [replaces the snuggling/sex] as a coping mechanism.  I also lose myself in a good book/movie/tv series as a means to escape reality and live vicariously in a fantasy world to escape the cold hard reality of my situation.

Take care.  Ask questions.  Vent.  We get it, as we each have our own personal journeys with the borderline, there are many similarities, and like most mental health issues they exist on the spectrum from mild to severe.
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Harv

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2023, 02:46:23 PM »

I neglected myself for many years. I have lost 30lbs since Oct. I am working out and going to therapy, doing meditation and self love/acceptance and working through CPTSD workbooks and watching and reading everything out there on BPD and CPTSD. I will be ok. I am thinking she is spiraling down and will soon reach bottom. What that looks like for her? I can only do so much, I was a codependent caretaker for many years. I cannot do that anymore. I will keep everyone updated, but I feel great for the first time in 17 years.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2023, 04:05:16 PM »

We can only guesstimate where and when for a "bottom".  And no guarantee it's not just another stair step down even lower later.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2023, 12:59:25 AM »

I neglected myself for many years. I have lost 30lbs since Oct. I am working out and going to therapy, doing meditation and self love/acceptance and working through CPTSD workbooks and watching and reading everything out there on BPD and CPTSD. I will be ok. I am thinking she is spiraling down and will soon reach bottom. What that looks like for her? I can only do so much, I was a codependent caretaker for many years. I cannot do that anymore. I will keep everyone updated, but I feel great for the first time in 17 years.

I am glad that you are doing self-care.  I finally learned about it this past June, it is a wonderful feeling.

Take care, and definitely keep us updated, as I personally am very much interested in your journey with your pwBPD.
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Harv

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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2023, 01:48:56 PM »

Well at least a couple uneventful days around here. She has spent most of her time listening to music and singing out loud.  Good therapy, but she needs DBT and a good therapist.

Guess that is a good thing to do to keep depression and other things at bay. Strange she has increased her drives around the town to calm her nerves. Evidently her sisters and mother have been hammering her pretty good the last few days.

Since they dealt with this in 2018, I am thinking they are not buying what she is selling and it is making her uncomfortable. I sent her off to the spa for her hair, a pedi and waxing. If it makes her happy and keeps her not focused on me, it is well worth the money.

Yesterday, she slept in, and it was 2:45pm. I go for my workout/run at 3pm, Always. I said good morning and asked if she wanted something to eat before I left. She buried her head in her phone/texts and ignored me. Well 3pm rolled around and I was starting to walk out the door.

She yells out, I need something to eat. Yeah, rude and just baffling. I said well I told you 15 mins ago I was leaving at 3pm and asked you if you needed something. You ignored me and buried your face in the phone. I will see you when I am done. If you need something that badly I am sure you can go upstairs and feed yourself. After all, yesterday you came up and made a cake.

Crickets. Sorry but I am a person and from now on I am taking care of myself.  She was quite perplexed by the entire thing. When I came back I got myself something and my son, and asked her if she would like what we were having.

Today she is doing the loud lamentations of what I call the knee. She has a bad knee due to her accident and destroying the tibial plateau. She will grunt and groan and scream out doing simple things for attention. It has gotten gradually worse over the last couple of days. Thing is, all the other activities and inappropriate things don't cause the same amount of misery, or any discomfort at all it appears.

The masturbation in the vehicle in public appears to have stopped. As far as her porn abuse and chronic masturbation to the porn at home, I have no idea as I am not around her at all, nor do I really care now. Just meals if she wants what we have, and I will take her some. She is now doing her own laundry and job hunting online.  Whatever she gets, it will have to be remote work from home. Her social anxiety, low self esteem and depression will not allow her to function out in the world.

I count my blessings for the last couple days. What a strange feeling living like this gives a person. I continue to work on my own issues and finally remember who I am as far as an individual and what I want. This sure is not it. I hope my behavior above was not unacceptable and that I am not being a bad person. I am just tired of the mental/emotional beating and being last.


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SaltyDawg
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Posts: 1239



« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2023, 09:24:30 PM »

Harv,

   You are a good man taking care of her like that.

   Thank you for the update.


Today she is doing the loud lamentations of what I call the knee. She has a bad knee due to her accident and destroying the tibial plateau. She will grunt and groan and scream out doing simple things for attention. It has gotten gradually worse over the last couple of days. Thing is, all the other activities and inappropriate things don't cause the same amount of misery, or any discomfort at all it appears.

   I too have a bad knee.  It acts up if I use it too much, or if I don't exercise enough, or exercise too much.  They told me it was 100%, it is more like 20%, not bad enough for a replacement, but not good enough for more than 4 hours per day on it or 4 miles whichever comes first - before my knee surgery, I had no problems going 20 hours on it, and dozen+ miles per day on it.  I can sympathise with her.  However, I don't do 'lamentations'.  You may want to consider giving her some 'grace' on this one.


I count my blessings for the last couple days. What a strange feeling living like this gives a person. I continue to work on my own issues and finally remember who I am as far as an individual and what I want. This sure is not it. I hope my behavior above was not unacceptable and that I am not being a bad person. I am just tired of the mental/emotional beating and being last.

I hear you, and I can relate.  It sounds like you are doing self-care for yourself, and self-care for her with your 'money well spent' to distract her.  IMHO, you are going above and beyond, considering you are on a fixed income.

Do self-care, and take care.
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Harv

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2023, 09:28:15 AM »

Thanks for the reply and I am sorry for your knee issues. Yes, I give her plenty of grace due to her knee. Some strange things have occurred recently and I am a bit concerned for her. She had really bad aversions/allergies to strong smells and could not be around or eat anything with onion or garlic for the last 15 years.

All of a sudden that just disappeared after the most recent accident and splitting event end of October.  She is eating all kinds of foods now with these. Something definitely changed in her brain.

She is really in a bad way physically and has been even when she was young. I think about these things and then how bad my behavior with CPTSD during the marriage, I really have a hard time with shame and guilt. We beat each other up pretty bad emotionally and psychologically over the years. Once the codependency really kicked in around 2008, it sucked. Not a good mix, BPD person, CPTSD person with attachment issues. Yikes.

I think the best outcome we can hope for is we both become mentally well and live our own lives. The past 30+ years were not all bad, and I have two wonderful sons. Having to deal with these feelings and at the same time be triggered by the one I still love really does make me feel like I am 8 again in the abusive home.

It takes a lot of mindfulness and stress tolerance to stay in the present moment when I am around her now. I am learning and it will be much better for me.  In the end only she can make the effort to seek help and find some happiness in her own life.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2023, 10:25:38 AM »

Some strange things have occurred recently and I am a bit concerned for her. She had really bad aversions/allergies to strong smells and could not be around or eat anything with onion or garlic for the last 15 years.

All of a sudden that just disappeared after the most recent accident and splitting event end of October.  She is eating all kinds of foods now with these. Something definitely changed in her brain.

That sounds pretty weird, but does not sound BPD-like [unless she is doing it to impress someone new], could be something else.  Has she been evaluated for it?  Mini-strokes come to mind, but I am not qualified to make that assessment, something to talk to her doctor about.


She is really in a bad way physically and has been even when she was young. I think about these things and then how bad my behavior with CPTSD during the marriage, I really have a hard time with shame and guilt. We beat each other up pretty bad emotionally and psychologically over the years. Once the codependency really kicked in around 2008, it sucked. Not a good mix, BPD person, CPTSD person with attachment issues. Yikes.

I am glad that you recognize that she wasn't the only one contributing to the dynamics.  I am guilty of 'reactive abuse' where I would yell back to her abuse after I couldn't take it any longer, I have shifted this to 'radical acceptance' where I know she is going to do it, and I don't react to it, and tell her I forgive her when she does do it.

A good book on this is “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad.  Has some excellent tools on how to deal with your situation.


I think the best outcome we can hope for is we both become mentally well and live our own lives. The past 30+ years were not all bad, and I have two wonderful sons. Having to deal with these feelings and at the same time be triggered by the one I still love really does make me feel like I am 8 again in the abusive home.

I don't want to trigger you; however, if I am reading in between the lines correctly, you want to think long and hard about this statement as it has the answer to your desire.  How do you become mentally well?  It doesn't happen all by itself.  It requires two components, self-awareness, which I think you have, and the desire to correct it through intensive therapy.  You need to confront these feelings, do a deep dive on it with a trained and licensed therapist to address it.  If you separate, and find another it is likely to repeat -- I am speaking from personal experience.  From what you have stated of 30+ it was pretty good, so you might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.  I did the reverse, I jumped out of the fire into the frying pan which is still too uncomfortable.


It takes a lot of mindfulness and stress tolerance to stay in the present moment when I am around her now. I am learning and it will be much better for me.  In the end only she can make the effort to seek help and find some happiness in her own life.

It does.  From what you said before you have both the self-awareness and the desire to make it better.  However, does she?

Do self-care, and do take care.

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Harv

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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2023, 01:34:01 PM »

Just a quick update. Last few days have been quiet, she is cycling down. All of a sudden after 4 days of moping and being quiet, she is back to being nice and polite. The hypersexuality and all the nastiness is gone once again. Of course our interactions and conversations have no substance or asking about me or how I am, just if she needs something, she will engage me. I can live with that for the time being. I had my appt with my therapist. She is putting a treatment plan together for me. She understands the dynamics and what the situation is here.

I continue with pretty much 15 out of the 16 hours in the day awake tending to myself. It is nice for a change. All I do is prepare meals for the three of us. Still is such a strange situation to live in. I was reflecting the other day, I realized she has not inquired about my health, asked me how I am feeling or anything of any emotional or intimate nature in years. I guess when you are codependent and depressed with a BPD spouse, you just don't do any reflection.  I feel like a bit of a fool now looking back. Anyway, I am doing well and will pray for all you other folks in similar or worse situations than mine.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2023, 04:25:33 PM »

Harv,

   Sounds great that you are putting a plan together and are able to do that level of self care.

   Do take care, and live life to the fullest.

Take Care.
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Pook075
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but Separated
Posts: 1040


« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2023, 05:07:18 PM »

Hey Harv,

I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you sharing and I can relate to a lot of what you're going through.  24 years of marriage for me, and many of the same patterns I completely ignored to make it that long.  I wish you the best, my friend, and I just wanted to say that you seem to be doing all the right things.  Keep your head up and keep putting in the work!
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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2023, 06:29:48 PM »

This may help to address the current issues and help manage the current issues and behaviors.  Be aware this alone may not provide the you the outcome you wish or need.

In my case, we had a child after a dozen years of marriage.  I cluelessly thought a child would lead her to a positive perception of life.  Didn't work.  (Many here have also remarked their relationship worsened after having children.)  That created a trigger to additional issues.  Within a few years we separated and the divorce decree came after 18 years of marriage.  Years later I realized having a child changed her perception of me from a husband to a father.  Oops, she then perceived me as she did her abuser stepfather.  Not at all a logical connection, I am me and behave in no way similar to him, but that is still her perception to this day, though our child is now an adult and still living with me.  Well, so I was emphatically told most recently, yesterday.
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Harv

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2023, 09:45:29 PM »

My only outcome is separation and divorce within a year 1/2. Like I have stated before, she has a place to go once she is employed. Her sister is quite well off and will provide her with one of her condo's once she is working. She will only take a remote job. We already have discussed and are putting into writing the property division.

When things are final, the next time she will know anything about me is when the checks stop due to my death. Trust me, I will make no contact more of a "Does he really still exist"? 

There is no fixing this relationship. She will not change. She may cycle, but she will never put the work in or admit she still is a mess. She sees no issue with sending men pictures of her body, chatting with them on erotic forums and role playing sex scenes and BDSM power exchange.  We simply are no longer compatible.  Her self hate and low image/esteem will not change unless she has years of treatment, This will never happen.
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