LDR partner is hurt & splitting for months, unsure what to do anymore

[honeypeach]

Hi,

I just joined this site and I'm pretty nervous about writing this because I don't want to give away any revealing information, but it's kind of hard to do that without being too vague. So I'll try my best. I might even get freaked out and delete this later but I'll try to leave it up for long enough that people can read and respond.

To preface, my partner and I have been together about a year. We were friends for a long time before dating and so we know each other very intimately. We are also long distance in very different time zones. I've known them since they realized, with my help, that they had BPD and helped them process it as best as I can. I did so much research, I'd send them resources and links to videos I'd find, try my best to be a good partner to them. I know in the past relationships have been really hard for them and I wanted this to be better, easier, different.

For a long time, even when they would split against me, I think I was often still put in a savior type role to them, someone who could never hurt them or do wrong. They and I both knew that when they had episodes it was illogical or irrational, so it was easier for me not to internalize the behavior or things they would say to me. As much as it would still hurt, because I am human, I could compartmentalize. I learned how to articulate myself to avoid triggering them, I understood the traumatic things they'd gone through that caused their behaviors, and I even would avoid pushing them to get help professionally because whenever I did they would get upset, no matter how much I think they need it. To this day they will not seek therapy and they've tried medication in the past, but they are not actively taking it.

Within the last two months, I've been struggling personally with some of my own mental health challenges. This is not something that's only happened recently, but in particular I've been struggling with some past trauma behaviors coming up and also trying to manage a mood disorder diagnosis that is not currently medicated properly. Because of this, I've fallen kind of out of my caretaker role for my partner and not been my best self. I've raised my voice at them and triggered their trauma a couple of times, and some other times I would raise my voice not even in anger but it would still trigger them. I found myself falling into walking on eggshells for lack of a better term to try not to trigger them with my volume, so much so that I was not focusing on where my issues were coming from to begin with that caused me to act that way. I definitely did make a mistake and mess up, but the fact that I did and that it happened more than once has caused my partner to completely turn on me in ways that they haven't before. Because there was some sort of logical basis to stand on to be upset with me, it has been increasingly harder for them to forgive me opposed to when it's out of nowhere. They say they can't and don't know if they ever will, no matter how much I apologize or put in work to make it up to them.

I'm actively in therapy now for my own mental health, I've been acknowledging my behavior patterns and trying my best to address them. But if I make even one little mistake (such as, wording something in a way that upsets them, asking too many questions, not innately understanding something they need/want without them needing to tell me) they completely disregard any progress we made towards getting better. When I try to check in on them and communicate that I love and care about them, they call me obsessive and say I don't understand them at all. I feel like all I do is try to understand them and worry about them, because they don't communicate with me. It's impossible to self-soothe sometimes. It also feels like I was there for them so devotedly when they were learning to understand their BPD in the beginning and I'm not getting the same understanding and grace from them with my issues. I don't want them to put up with being treated in a way that makes them feel hurt just because of my mental health, but I think you know what I mean.

We almost broke up a couple of weeks ago, but neither of us will commit to doing it. I refused to do it, it isn't even an option, and I don't think they really want to either. There have been times in the past when we have gotten to similar points as we are in now and we got past it, but it just feels more intense this time. Sometimes they say they do want to break up, will say they don't love me anymore, but I don't know if I necessarily believe any of that. They always say that I don't understand the extent to which I hurt them, that I will never understand the "gravity" of what I've done. I want to be clear that I did not scream in their face or insult them, call them names, etc. I did raise my voice in frustration and I should have known better, because I know that is a trigger, but I didn't get into a screaming match with them, and I only really raised my voice *at* them one time. The other times I wasn't even raising my voice at them I was just being loud. I still do understand that I hurt them and I do not want to make excuses for myself. But it feels like the way they talk to me compared to those instances that upset them is so disproportionate and it's a double standard.

I am also extremely worried about them in general not just related to us. They are in an extremely low period mood wise and are very depressed, isolating from all of our friends and even hinted at possibly abusing substances recently. When I panicked and asked them to talk to me, they freaked out on me and cursed at me, told me to leave them alone. Because we are long distance in very different time zones, this makes this part even harder to cope with. When we don't talk for 12+hrs, I don't know for sure if they are safe, and I'll spiral and get scared. They will barely communicate with me some days and it makes me feel crazy when I text them constantly due to worry and fear. Then I also feel bad if I'm suffocating them and not giving them space. BUT I also don't want to not keep trying and give them a reason to think I don't care or am abandoning them. I feel like I cannot win.

I can't even put into words how much I love and care about this person. They are the most important person in my life and I'm terrified to lose them. Sometimes when I get really upset I believe the things they say and think their life would be better off without me in it, that maybe I should just up & leave. But I know that would shatter them and make them really believe that they aren't worthy of love and will be abandoned. I don't want to give up, but I don't know how to move forward and communicate with them from here on out if they're saying they want me to leave them alone but I'm also worried about their actual health and worried things won't go back to normal. I am a very neurotic person if you can't tell and so this has all affected me so much. More than I think they even realize it has.

I don't really know exactly what I'm looking for here. I'm not breaking up with my partner, so I guess I just want to know if anyone has dealt with anything similar before. Dealt with their BPD partner being unable to forgive them, and how to move forward in communicating with them. How do I allow them the space to move past the stuff that happened before when I hurt them and forgive me? I guess I would also just like the perspectives from others who know what it is like to love someone with BPD in general. I feel like anyone I talk to about this will not understand the full situation and just label them as abusive without understanding their disorder or what's going on. I know my partner is a wonderful human being and they just need help, but I don't know what to do that I'm in control of right now while they're not getting it. Thank you for reading all of this if you have

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome

I'm actively in therapy now for my own mental health, I've been acknowledging my behavior patterns and trying my best to address them. But if I make even one little mistake (such as, wording something in a way that upsets them, asking too many questions, not innately understanding something they need/want without them needing to tell me) they completely disregard any progress we made towards getting better.

Good to hear you're working on yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You know that you have good intentions, so I would recommend not worrying if your words could be taken the wrong way. Check out the Tips menu at the top of the page and also the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It helped me to be more realistic in my relationship with my spouse (and better for my own mental health) and I hope it also helps you. Thoughts?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi honeypeach, 

Welcome! I'd like to join Jabiru in encouraging you to take good care of yourself. You're human and have feelings and challenges just like everyone else, so please know that it's okay to take care of you too. It's great you're in T. T has been so helpful for me. 

Keep sharing as you have time!

 
Wools

[Kazhnara]

I wouldn't really want to give you too much advice because, what do I know, I'm not the one in that particular relationship; so I'll give you the 2 most important bits of advice I can think of that helped me too personally:

1, Since you're willing to go to therapy personally, since you care about improvement, since you apologize, since you go all the way out and even ask here, so purely, about what to do - you have to cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself, and rise above playing the forgiveness game. I have been hurt by my BPD partner right in my own trauma weakpoints, and if you are in a relationship where these games exist, then you too have needed to forgive them plenty I'm sure. If someone's doing behavior like that, they're treating you like a doormat, frankly. And that's because of point #2.

2, You go back and forth too much. You worry, you're afraid, you text and text and text but then worry about whether you're too pushy, you give space but want to be in but its long distance but but but you get it. It is easier to keep you going in circles, as you have found yourself in this thread, than to face their problems, go to therapy, take meds, and stop playing games. But don't get me wrong, you don't have to go hard, you don't have to reenact the raising of the voice, you don't have to do anything except what you're already trying to provide to your partner: boundaries, respect, forgiveness. You give this person that and you should by proxy be getting it back. When that is not the case, then you stop being the problem. You stop thinking it is your duty to solve. That they require help, caretaking, and hundreds of other small things adding up to a mountain of effort, everyday, is something that this partner just doesn't sound like they're seeking.
Instead, they cope. Not the worst reaction, but not the best either, and all the while it leaves you out of the equation. You need stability, a direction, some confidence, and you need to beat your partner in this game of silent treatment. And if you can't do that, then right now due to the cumulative effect of the past mistakes, the past times where you let these bits of mistreatment slip by have added up. It is not a glamorous situation. You need to be missed, you need to be forgiven, and you do need to be assisted in this to some degree. Because this is not your child or pet, this is a whole other person. And a whole other person has their own life to live. As do you. Living together (metaphorically) comes only when you two manage to live - at least not unhealthily - by yourselves. Strength, empathy and by proxy patience, the ability to stand on your own feet, and the ability to adapt and think of the long term (due to games like this one you're in right now) are the pillars of a succesful relationship when it comes to bpd.

And ever since the slip of your own mental health, these boxes, not to be judgmental, but they are not being checked. This isn't happening to you because you're weak, or because they're cruel. This is just the path of least resistance for your partner. The easy route, not necessarily the happy one. But for you, it's the hard route. The painful route, unhappy route as well. This version of you is no longer compatible with the partner you have, not like how you used to be. And I'm saying that, because no amount of self care, therapy or fun hobbies to brighten your mood will necessarily get you your strength back. I don't disagree though, but it will take more to rebuild the bridges. Because you're rebuilding them yourself until half the work is done, and then you'll be doing half of your partner's half too. That's just how it is - whether that's worth it is up to you, but that's what it takes.