My ex bpd gf broke up with me and the aftermath is just a nightmare

[Kzye]

It’s gonna be quite a Lot to read but I appreciate everyone taking their time.

My ex gf (W21) broke up with me (M25) 8 days ago after we were together for over 2 years. It all happened in an eyeblink and the aftermath is like a nightmare.

To better understand, when I first met her I didn’t know about her BPD. We had a rough first year, she denied having a problem, was being abusive, got mad for no reason, didn’t have any friend herself and wanted to spent every single second together and then got diagnosed with BPD but didn’t want to do a therapy at all. Then out of a misunderstanding she broke up with me about almost exactly 1 year ago and instantly was with another guy for roughly 2 weeks. At this point I spent my time researching about BPD. She didn’t cut the contact and so I messaged her, we talked about her illness and at some point she realised she was doing a big mistake. Came back crying after 2 weeks from breaking up, told me to please forgive her and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. We got back together and eventually she started a therapy on her own. After just 3 weeks she got kicked out of the hospital because she didn’t follow the rules and drank alcohol. She got back into her old habits. Being abusive, started arguments over nothing. I always tried to stay calm, but it was as she needed all this. Some nights after arguing for 2-3 hours straight I left the bedroom and tried to sleep on the couch where she followed me to then keep arguing. Some of those incidents went on from 11pm to 4am. When I was seeking help from her mom she just told me „it might be better for her to die“ or „just call the cops“. I always was on my own. I gotta be fair and admit, that i couldn’t stay calm every time and eventually hit her back when she was abusive again. I didn’t want to hurt her and I still feel guilty for doing so at this point, I was just so done with life. Getting depressive at times myself. This kept going back and forth until December 2022. I got diagnosed with a tumour in the anal area and therefore stayed at home the whole month, still to this point because it couldn’t get operated yet. December was all nice. It seemed like we were having the time of our lifes. No arguments, just pure love. She tried her best to be there for me. 2 weeks ago she started to hang out with a female workmate of hers and I was very happy for her to finally have found a friend. Mid week she was like „all this is getting too much for me. You are home all day“. She proceeded to be gone all day all week. I only saw her when she came home to sleep. On Saturday I asked her if there is anything wrong with us and she promised „no, I love you for ever. It’s all good“. Sunday i asked her about her plans and she wanted to leave again. I got sad because I missed her and she got all angry and then said „fine, I will stay here, grab something to do together“. I noticed she clearly didn’t wanna be at home. Told her that I just her to be happy and that she’s free to leave. Out of this she started to rage, i started to cry and she then took some stuff and instantly left. No more talking what so ever. Later that day my mom told me „I’ve seen her on the snap map“, i drove there in order to talk this out but it was her ex location and to make it worse i heard her getting ****** by him. She blocked me everywhere, even switched her mobile number. On Tuesday she then called me from her new number crying, telling me she still has love for me and that she promises to never get back to her ex again and see how things go with me, yet stayed at her parents place. On Wednesday she denied all the stuff she said the day before and ghosted me again. On Thursday we had a 3 hour long video call laughing a bunch, having a good time. She was considering to meet up with me. On Friday we again called for 2-3 hours, listened to my thoughts and feelings and let the call go on the whole night to then wake up together. Later that day her parents came by to pick up some more of her stuff and the mom deadass told me „you are the problem. I’m actively telling her to never be with you again and that she doesn’t need any therapy“. I was in anger and my ex gf was okay to have a quick chat in person. She said „yeah she is right“, got out of my car and blocked me everywhere again. Then called me Saturday afternoon saying she wants a clear cut. We had a good conversation and I told her that all i want is to see her happy and that she’s free to take her time. Yesterday we then had another call around 2pm, she said she will think about staying in touch to be „friends“ at first and see what happens. My stupid ass gifted her a promise Ring the day before which she happily showed into the cam, still wearing it. Called me in the afternoon, said staying friends sounds good but that i shouldn’t have too much hope

she said something stupid, basically gave a hint. I asked what’s up and she was like „cannot tell you, else you know I lied to you“. She then proceeded and said „my male workmate was at my place multiple times this week and we had sex

WHAT?

I got angry. I didn’t drop a single tear, didn’t cry for even a second. I told her that she doesn’t deserve my love and basically hung up. I don’t understand anything of this. Why call me crying; why listen to my thoughts and feelings for hours. Why do all this while having sex with a random guy. At this point I feel like i can never ever trust anyone again. I don’t just feel cheated on, I’m simply speechless. I gave everything I had to offer, obviously also made mistakes at times but I’m far off from believing that i deserved this. I’m trying to find a higher meaning in all of this. I loved this women more than anyone else and always believed she deserves to be loved.

I pre-wrote this text about 10 days ago. Since then the following happened: She got in contact with me again a day later. Told me she wouldn’t mind having sex with me as well. I wasn’t down for it and instead kept insisting on her to seek therapy. She then told me that she didn’t only have sex with this 1 coworker of hers once but multiple times already and as well as having sex with ANOTHER coworker already. She then blocked me. Unblocked me 2 days later. She was drunk and asked me if i wanted to pick her up from a party. Drove her home and on the way she started getting touchy. Ended up in having sex with her and leaving 10 minutes later after she said „maybe we should consider this as a good end“. I was hoping for an intime Moment which would sort of remind her of how good my presence always felt for her. Couple days later she wrote me a message on ig, saying she knows I’m a good person and that she doesn’t wanna loose me as that. She wouldn’t know what the future would bring but that she doesn’t want a relationship at this point. Not with me, not with anyone else. „Let’s stay friends or whatever it is at the end of the day“.  As I obviously still love and care about her and want to assist her in every way possible i said sure thing. Obviously also hoped that by time she would realise how good I am for her well-being and to reconsider me as her partner.
We then hooked up, went for lunch. Afterwards she was like „yeah can we go lingerie shopping?“ and we went to a store where I selected 3 bras for her. While shopping she said stuff like „you are the first guy I’m meeting this week.“ and „no worries, you have the biggest PLEASE READ no one can compete“.  Later on I realised I just chose bras for her which others will undress.
We kept messaging and calling on a daily base for a couple more days. Another night she messaged me, asking if I could pick her up to drive to a party and later on pick her up again. Told her I’m having a hard time to not fulfill her wishes and so did it. When I picked her up later she was really drunk and instantly grabbed my phone, started reading a conversation with an old female friend of mine I cut contact to coz of her. It was just basic smalltalk. She got all freaky, told me that I never loved her and that I should go have sex with that girl. Also told me about her going to the cinema today with the first guy who actually has a gf himself.
Next day she messaged me telling me that she is sorry for her behaviour. Then proceeded to switch the covers of her ig highlights to pictures of her in push up bras showing off her tits to everyone. At that point I almost lost myself, messaged her saying I’m not your toy you either take me and my wish to work things out serious or leave me alone. She was all cold and said „i told you multiple times I want no relationship“ and so i told her to not contact me again.

I’m super hurt at this point, yet want this dummy back because I feel like her actions are totally borderline driven. She always seeked love and now pretend to be a PLEASE READ? She always talked so badly about these woman.
I want to message her again to get back into this painful „situationship“ with her to make her show im what she actually needs and that im the only one willing to actively assist her.

my biggest problem at this point is that I know for a fact that she DOES NOT want to be this person. She has a trauma from her childhood and actually really wants a family, have kids, have a bright future. She once cried like mad, hugged me super hard and told me in tears „This is one of the spare moments I can see crystal clear. My brain forces me to be like this, doing everything to prevent getting help. I don’t want to be this person, I really don’t. I don’t want to be sad all day, I don’t want to be mean to you, I REALLY don’t want to hurt you and I’m blaming myself for everything that went wrong so far. I know when i wake up later, all this will be gone. Please don’t give me up, please remind me of who I wanna be“. Now her parents are telling her she does not need a therapy anymore as I am gone and she actually believes in this, saying no relationship no problem no therapy. Her mind is twisted so hard and all I’m trying to do, all i want and yes it’s not rational but all I desire is to somehow reach out to this person again. I already took a lot, but I believe if this girl goes her way and accepts again that she needs help she can be her true self. She basically devalued herself to an object at this point, doesn’t take her meds, drinks a lot. No assistance from her family. Her one female friend is a PLEASE READ herself and probably talks her into thinking this lifestyle is the problem solver.

The break up is now 3 weeks ago and haven’t spoke to her since Monday except for today where I got the news that my operation will be in 2 weeks. She responded saying she’s really happy for me and that those are great news. Didn’t text anything back to her, hoping that she will think something like „he’s gonna be the men he used to be again“

Thanks for reading, I know it’s so much. Any comment or help is appreciated

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey Kyze.  I can relate to your story so much and I am so sorry that you're going through all this.  I don't know if my BPD wife has fooled around after leaving, and I almost consider myself lucky for not knowing.  It is incredibly hard and I really feel for you.  I've been separated for over six months now, thought I was completely over my wife, and when she called last night out of the blue, all kinds of feelings returned.

Thank you for posting and please continue to educate yourself on BPD and how you can be a positive influence in her life.  Feel free to vent here as well since we all understand what you're going through.  There's so many great people here that can help you talk through this, so know that you're not alone.

[Kzye]

I spent days already researching so much stuff. Wrote down 4 pages for myself on how i could assist her if she would be up to work things out. At this point I’m feeling rather helpless. As i said, her whole surrounding is telling her she is fine without therapy (firstly because they don’t want any work with her and won’t assist her when stuff goes downhill which makes me really sad. I’m almost certainly sure; if she would face this truth and would be up to get professional help again, things would go a whole different route. I just don’t know if I should distance myself in order for her to find out no one will ever be as supportive as me or if I should stay in touch to positively influence her. I’m afraid if i do second option, that she will be like „why would I even consider a relationship if I can have sex with whoever I want and he will still be there“.

How did you react to the call of her? I wish she would reach out to me as well. At this point she is really afraid that her family drops her if she starts to make moves with me again. She even lied to them when we were out shopping, telling them she is with this one coworker of hers.  

When I asked her why she turned into a cold PLEASE READ from yesterday to today and why she doesn’t want to call her therapist again she was like „i want to make my own decisions“.

[babyducks]

Welcome to the website Kzye,

You've found a good website full of resources just for you.    This community is made up of members who get it.    who have experienced similar things to what you describe and the emotions that go with them.

Also, on this website you can find a huge library of tools, tips, and explanations that go a long way to explaining the confusion that is a BPD relationship.

BPD is a serious mental illness.    It comes with a tremendous amount of instability and volatility.    by volatility I mean change that comes rapidly and unpredictably and is usually for the worse.     when I first arrived here (years ago) I was told by a member to not do anything that added more volatility to an already volatile situation.   wise words.     it takes a pwBPD (person with BPD) much longer to return to an emotional baseline,  to let the emotions and thoughts settle out.   it helped me to think of it as a raging river,   if I keep pouring more water into the river from a great height, the turbulence will continue.    I needed to be mindful of my own strong emotions and how to manage them.

My then partner, now Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with another cluster B illness, most likely BPD.    She was compliant with medication, committed to therapy.   This did not mean her illnesses went away.   Only that they were more manageable to a degree.     Even though there are a lot of common threads, everyone's experiences are different.

When I asked her why she turned into a cold PLEASE READ from yesterday to today and why she doesn’t want to call her therapist again she was like „i want to make my own decisions“.

One of the first places it is normally suggested to focus is on our own communication skills and techniques.    Most of us think we communicate just fine but the truth is it takes a whole different set of tools to communicate effectively with a person who is experiencing a mental health crisis.     What you are describing seems to me to be beyond relationship difficulties, and more towards someone who is experiencing a serious emotional dysregulation.    would you agree?

my Ex could and did become psychotic during severe episodes of mental illness.    Usually, she was convinced that her perceptions were 100% accurate and would last forever.     Reasoning with her, pointing out her disordered thinking or behavior did not get me the results I was hoping for.    I had slightly more success when I employed the tools and skills I learned here.    Learning the tools meant I had to focus on my stuff,  and try to ~fix~ me first.

what do you think?

'ducks

[Pook075]

I spent days already researching so much stuff. Wrote down 4 pages for myself on how i could assist her if she would be up to work things out. At this point I’m feeling rather helpless. As i said, her whole surrounding is telling her she is fine without therapy (firstly because they don’t want any work with her and won’t assist her when stuff goes downhill which makes me really sad. I’m almost certainly sure; if she would face this truth and would be up to get professional help again, things would go a whole different route. I just don’t know if I should distance myself in order for her to find out no one will ever be as supportive as me or if I should stay in touch to positively influence her. I’m afraid if i do second option, that she will be like „why would I even consider a relationship if I can have sex with whoever I want and he will still be there“.

How did you react to the call of her? I wish she would reach out to me as well. At this point she is really afraid that her family drops her if she starts to make moves with me again. She even lied to them when we were out shopping, telling them she is with this one coworker of hers.  

When I asked her why she turned into a cold PLEASE READ from yesterday to today and why she doesn’t want to call her therapist again she was like „i want to make my own decisions“.

Hey Kzye.  Your feelings are completely normal and you'll be torn for awhile; I would advise you not to second guess yourself though.  It's common for pwBPD (people w/ BPD) to make things up about their ex and tell all kinds of horrible stories, which comes back to bite them every time.  The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on you and the healing process; you've been through a lot and this is still so fresh, it's probably very difficult to put yourself 1st.  Many of us here have seen/see therapists and that is a very healthy choice, especially if they're familiar with BPD and the toll it takes on friends and family.

My wife called because a close friend of ours isn't doing well, so we mostly talked about him and his family.  But the conversation was completely normal for the 20ish minutes we talked and it sort of freaked me out afterwards.  We talked about our bills, our kids, what we're doing this week, etc...conversations that would have been impossible a few months ago.  It did remind me how much I love her and how much I miss her as my best friend, but I don't know what to do with that.  All I can do is wait to see if she reaches out again.  

For your situation, many here will tell you that you're going to go through different stages of a grieving process.  It's different for everyone, but again...put yourself first and focus on bettering yourself.  Find the old you, the happy you that loves life.  Read a book.  Go to the gym.  Visit old friends and share memories.  Find yourself once again and you'll find perspective on how to proceed.  On the other hand, don't focus too hard on what you can't control (your ex).  It's not your responsibility to take care of her right now, she needs to take care of herself and find her own inner joy.

[Kzye]

Im having a hard time focusing on myself, especially because I cannot go to the gym anymore until my operation is done. Averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, my mind is all foggy and I’m trying to get control about anything.

I know that for my own sake I should try to leave her alone at this point, because it’s just gonna cause more pain to be friends with her and witness how she has sex with others. I’m asking myself the whole time if there is nothing I can say or do which helps her to get back into reality. Stop her from making herself an object to other men. Make her reconsider therapy. She was doing so good when she was 3 months in and then i got this tumour and everything changed. I’m afraid if I don’t take actions she will just continue to lose herself more and more.

As I stated in my first post, we have been in a similar situation about 14 months ago where she broke up coz of a misunderstanding and stayed at a guys place for 2 weeks before coming back crying. Difference to now is that back then her family didn’t actively tell her to not having the need of therapy, not blaming me for her problems. She wasn’t showing off herself as a PLEASE READ tho. Within 2 weeks I got her to realise how much her borderline is driving her. Now 3 1/2 weeks passed. I’ve read phrases out to her about splitting n stuff and she said „yes this 100% sounds like me right now“. At times I felt like I could reach out to her. She told me she wants to think about contacting her therapist again about 10 days ago, now says she wants / needs no help. Her mind is twisted like mad

[babyducks]

Good to hear from you again Kyze.

Here is what I understand from your messages.   If I got something wrong or am missing something, please let me know.

Your GF was diagnosed as BPD but treatment was not effective or successful.  She returned to her old habits.

After a period of high stress (your tumor) and the change it created in your home life she abruptly left the relationship, with no exit plan or strategy for where to go.

She has reported engaging with multiple sex partners in what seems like an impulsive way.   

Her interactions with you have been chaotic and driven by highly intense harmful emotions.

Did I get any of that wrong?     

I’m asking myself the whole time if there is nothing I can say or do which helps her to get back into reality. Stop her from making herself an object to other men. Make her reconsider therapy. She was doing so good when she was 3 months in and then i got this tumour and everything changed. I’m afraid if I don’t take actions she will just continue to lose herself more and more.

Most of us here are helpers.   We are more than willing to put ourselves second, and someone else's needs first.     Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes we take it too far, and lose ourselves in the process.     It's a question of balance.   and boundaries.    something that neither us or our partners are good at.   

Being able to help is a great goal.    Sorting through how to do that best and at what cost to you, well that's going to take a little bit of time.    I'd suggest you really spend some time on this website.    Read the library.   Read other people's thread who are different stages than you are currently experiencing.    You have been in close proximity with someone with a serious illness who has had a major impact on you.   Processing all that is going to take longer than you think, regardless of how long you estimate.   It certainly did for me.

Im having a hard time focusing on myself, especially because I cannot go to the gym anymore until my operation is done. Averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, my mind is all foggy and I’m trying to get control about anything. 

You know what they say on an airplane?    Put on your own oxygen mask before you help the person next to you.    There is a reason for that.    Before you can provide assistance to someone else you have to be in good shape yourself.

Eating and sleeping are important.   Pook075 mentioned grieving.    When a BPD relationship shatters the grief is different from what we might have experienced in the past.    I think I lost 20 pounds and struggled with sleep for quite a while.    I understand you can't go to the gym.    that makes sense.     what can you do to be kind to yourself today?    What would be a nice thing to do for Kzye?

When I was first here, I read this article a lot.    Every time I read it, I found some other part than helped illuminate what I was feeling.    If you feel up to it, take a look at the link below, not everything will apply to your unique situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

'ducks

[Kzye]

You got everything you said right. I’m gonna read this article as soon as I’m in bed. Just took a quick look at it and it looks really interesting to say at least.

As I said I messaged her about my operation being soon this morning. Couldn’t keep my stuff together and messaged her again afterwards, saying that I’m wondering weather or not it’s easy for her to not talk to me. She responded saying „i obviously have to think about you, but I simply don’t want a relationship anymore.“
She then said that she is completely out of control, but doesn’t want a helping hand right now. Her family told her to just have fun. I responded saying that I’m afraid that she will lose herself more and more and that it’s just gonna get harder for her to find back to herself. She said „my borderline me is having the time of my life“ (How stupid is this?).
I just told her that if she can bring up the courage to ask for help she only has to reach out and say so. Reminded her again about how good she was doing while being in therapy and that she would be much better off than she thinks she is doing right now.

No more respond from her. Gonna leave her alone for now, as I feel like i did everything that’s in my power

[babyducks]

I just told her that if she can bring up the courage to ask for help she only has to reach out and say so. Reminded her again about how good she was doing while being in therapy and that she would be much better off than she thinks she is doing right now.

Hello Again Kzye.

Many many of the members here have spent countless hours trying to encourage their pwBPD to get into therapy.  or stay in therapy.   or make progress in therapy.

Unfortunately, one of the symptoms of mental illness is the not being able to recognize disordered behavior.    It has a fancy technical name if you are interested.   Its call Anosognosia.    Google if you want more information but basically its severe denial.  very severe denial.   often times you see it in alcoholics.    people with a hoarding disorder.   others too, of course.  They truly believe there is nothing wrong with them.

it's not that you haven't explained yourself or made your point.    Denial is a way to repress emotions so unpleasant they are too hard to cope with. Denial is a way to avoid feeling a strong sense of guilt, shame and responsibility.

How are you doing today with things?    Get any sleep last night?

'ducks

[Kzye]

Sorry for not responding, last days were like a rollercoaster. I’m getting more sleep in tho, that’s helping a lot.

She basically blocked me a couple days ago and then unblocked me again the day later. She said she feels exhausted by me „love bombing“ her the whole time. I told her I was sorry. Yesterday I I sent her a message saying „im sorry for pressuring you and I wanna make up for it. Can I invite you out for food at your favourite restaurant?“ and she got back to me with „I would rather get some food and hang out at your place“. She came by and we basically talked all night. She stayed until she had to get to work in the morning.
We talked so much and she started to open up a lot. Told me the reason for her leaving was because she didn’t want me to be hurt all time. She spoke about events in the past which used to be „my fault“ and instead told me how sorry she is for putting me through so much ****. She told me she promised herself to not get back in any relationship as long as she can’t handle her emotions on her own and that she doesn’t want a relationship which is build off borderline, like having to threat her in a special way.
I slowly proceeded to ask why she doesn’t want to do a therapy again and instead of her usual „i don’t want one right now“ she told me how scared the whole thing is to her. I promised her to help her out and look up some good therapist. She was grateful and said „I’m happy that you are helping me out while no one else does. We can do this together but the therapy itself I wanna do on my own. I felt like in the past I did it because others insisted on it, this time I wanna be my own reason for wanting to change“.
She then started crying and said she can’t stand the fact knowing that I’m suffering the whole time. Told her it’s alright and that I am aware of the possibility for her to heal and fall in love with someone else. She cried even more. We later on hugged each other, hers was really strong and she got to work. She wanted to come back afterwards but I live at my parents place and my mom wasn’t having it yet (still believes she is the evil in person). Her parents feel the same about me and so we can’t really meet up at a „safe place“.
I feel like she is finally getting the hang and I’m honestly really proud of her. Now finally wanting to do therapy and even tho it hurts, her not wanting a relationship because she knows that the other will suffer from her is kinda good as well. We casually texted today and had a short call on WhatsApp.
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