Some random reflections after working through a lot of anger

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I've had a lot of one sided relationships, where I was disregarded a lot, manipulated a lot, and where I gave way too much, in the form of patience, flexibility, understanding, empathy, and many times support, for what felt like not much in return. Maybe some love bombing, some gifts, some chores or something, that's what I got in return for baring my soul, and trying hard to invest in these people. I never got much emotional support, or understanding, or patience, or empathy, or compromise.

Now, I truly love to do that for people, to be kind to them, for nothing in return, but in close relationships, you can't have it be so one sided, because you're investing too much time, energy, trust and vulnerability, and the deficit wears on you over time. I also think, you know, they feel smothered by you even having a personality and feelings, that's why they get so rebellious, and defiant, and never want to compromise. Because you merely having those things is a burden on them, it reminds them of what they are, and also, they just want to suck you dry anyways.

I feel so dehumanized by it all, all the disregard is just disgusting to me. And I've gotta stop dehumanizing myself, and not validating myself, just because the people close to me all did that to me. I think I've dealt with 4 Narcissists recently, all of them I cut off, because after my exBPD gf, I know it's what you have to do, and besides, I think detachment is important when you're not doing well.

Another thing I've noticed is like, I am not comfortable with getting closer to people with bigger personalities, who are more actualized. I tend to like them, and have positive interactions with them, but I guess I fear being rejected more with them, because there is actually less of a power imbalance. Like, the fact that people are needy, gives me a sense of safety, because I'm doing most of the giving, and then I feel like I owe them less, and I hate the commitment of feeling like I owe people.

I know that people with a lot of Narcissism are self centered, and extremely needy, but it's just not the same as having a lot of big, complicated perspectives and opinions, and intense, complicated feelings that you'd have to deal with, with a more healthy person. Dealing with that on a more intimate level, is scary to me, probably partially because I've never had much of it.

All in all, I am glad that I'm going through this now. It will allow me to have healthy relationships in the future, it will allow me to spot manipulations, it will allow me to have better boundaries, it will allow me to be more independent, it will allow me to apply a fair amount of blame, it will allow me to not expect irrational, selfish people, to be rational and selfless, and it will give me more ways to deal with them, like walking away, or ending relationships that don't work for me. It will allow me to not try so hard to convince people, who don't want to hear it, to see the truth, and let them live in denial more. And honestly, maybe I've tried too hard to face the truth sometimes too, and pushed myself through denial too quickly. And lastly, it will allow me to ask people if they want help more, instead of being overly helpful, when they keep shooting themselves in the foot, which will free up a lot of energy for me honestly.

Anyways, I'm glad this is happening, but it sure is confusing and very hard, all the emotions, all the change, all the isolation, it's hard, but this is the first day that I feel like I'm going to get through this, and thank god for that.

[Manic Miner]

Now, I truly love to do that for people, to be kind to them, for nothing in return, but in close relationships, you can't have it be so one sided, because you're investing too much time, energy, trust and vulnerability, and the deficit wears on you over time. I also think, you know, they feel smothered by you even having a personality and feelings, that's why they get so rebellious, and defiant, and never want to compromise.

I agree to this a lot.
Being generous, nice and compassionate for nothing in return still brings us joy elsewhere. Volunteering, doing stuff. You have a purpose, you know you are doing something good and will mean a lot to our environment or community. Even if it's only one person.
But in our homes this builds a resentment in the long run. Because you know you are investing yourself so much, but when it's you, your time in need - the resources are very limited and the chances that your partner will be there and return a favour close to zero.

I still remember when my knee was injured after I fell from the e-scooter. Had two deep bruises that now left 2 scars. I was doing everything by myself, using trekking poles to walk. One time my wife offered to help me put the bandages. She did it so badly that as soon as I stood up it all fell apart. She immediately lost patience and just moved on without saying a word, being visibly irritated. I was left with loose bandages around my foot, just like that.

Imagine something similar happened to her and me giving up immediately when I offered to help? Imagine the outcome with so much drama that would follow. But she also knows I'd never offer to help unless I was confident enough to be able to do it properly. So I think BPD/NPDs do exploit this trait a lot. They rely on others, because they know others will cover their backs, but in their minds it doesn't translate as "I should do this too one day!".

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, true, it doesn't translate to them. I think, their lack of empathy is so much, that they can't see the situation from the other end, because they are so self centered. I never even feel like my Dad owes me for stuff, or that people do. I just expect some common sense and common decency, and to not intentionally be screwed over by those I care about. But he's failed on that front. It's really sad, that they can't seem to gauge anything enough to act appropriately, because of the severe lack of emotional maturity.

Today I was thinking, you know, my Dad is like an emotionally abused child. Now, I'm not saying what he is done isn't horrifying to me. I'm not saying it's not sick, or that he'll probably ever earn my trust again. I'm not saying I can write it all off, but it does help me see him as less evil, when I view his actions through the lens of a child.

Gaslighting: "No, I'm right, you're wrong!" or "No, I didn't do it Mommy" or "Wah, I'm not gonna give you credit, because you didn't give me credit" or "Your feelings are dumb"

Projection: "It's your fault, not mine!" or "No, you're stupid, I'm not stupid! Wah"

Also, a child loves to have power over the adults, that's like a dream to a child, so you can get away with murder. If you were sick and the child could run the house? That'd be a dream to a child.

Children can also come up with little plots to cheat, and get away with things, they can act all sweet and pander to get away with things.

Children are also self centered, or can be petty or mean, or lack empathy.

Children run to adults, and make them responsible for their emotions.

Children don't have nuance and think in black and white, they see people as good and bad.

Children want to be the star of the show always, and don't give people credit, they want all the credit.

In a child, a lot of those things would be cute and endearing, but try putting all that, and a whole lot of resentment, and anger issues in an adults body, with an adults logic, and a world that assumes they're adults. And you've got a recipe for disaster. I do think what they do is pretty much pure evil, but at the same time, it helps me pity my Dad, because if he was just the child, that he is deep down emotionally, and got a proper upbringing, this wouldn't be happening.. Still, the amount of cruelty he has been capable of, with no apparent remorse, disturbs the hell out of me.

[Manic Miner]

I understand. My father is also a narc. Covert or not, doesn't matter.

I'm not sure how old are you and what is your relation to your dad, but I'm a bit over 40, so can share a bit.

I went almost-NC with my dad 2 years ago. This year he will turn 76. He looks rather well for his age (like being in late 50s) but I'm aware his years under the Sun are rather limited. Since he's my only parent and also a guy from whom I inherited so much of the good stuff too, I cannot deny that I had this severe longing to get together again, for the amount of time we have now.
This NC thing was a blessing and a curse. It helped me build my boundaries and stay true to myself, it was probably necessary, but I know, if I lost him tomorrow, I'd regret it deeply.

I talked to my therapist and he agreed with me. In fact, he wanted to warn me about this - he said many of his clients that severed ties with their parent(s), after they died, they had deep regrets and depression, as they didn't improve their relationship when they could and now it's too late.

Now, YMMV, no two people are alike, sometimes there's physical and all kinds of abuse, but take this into account too.
My plan is to cautiously break the NC. I did see him once in his home and it was fine. Having built some strong boundaries and respect of my own time, there's little he can do to violate my privacy anymore and I certainly don't believe his gossiping and false stories. Also knowing the triggers, what to avoid can greatly help here.

In my experience, so take it with a grain of salt - I deal with BPD worse than NPD. NPD can be more predictive and are overall more uplifting and cheerful by nature. BPDs are wrecks when in a 'mood'. For example, my father was always great at parties, even when he tried to steal the spotlight, he was always charming, smiling and funny. My wife, on the other hand, if her BPD flared up, she'd be so miserable, like literally you wouldn't want to be around her.

Speaking of their stunted emotional level, yes, it's true. They are kids emotionally in adult bodies. Depending when their emotional growth was stunted, they exhibit certain traits from that period. Also, genetics is a factor too.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I think that's what hurts the most about all of this, is that he abused the hell out of me, and I love him. I do, I care, and it breaks my heart that he's betrayed my trust so much, that I can barely be around him at all. I think what I am doing is working, his behavior is drastically improving as I set strong boundaries, and expectations, tell him I'm not going to feel sorry for him if he over helps or something, and that he's not going to win me over by over helping. That he should focus on his own life, instead of trying to win me over, because I'm focusing on my life.

I sense this genuine need to act good, and I know some of it is to win me over, but I also think he wants to be good. I told him recently, that there isn't good and bad people, there is just good and bad actions and most of the problem people have with others, is not who you are, but how you act. It sucks to see the long face on him a lot now. I wish I could come to the rescue, but I can't. I'm going through too much, and I can't have strong intimacy with him right now. I've told him how to self soothe/show compassion to himself, because I told him I noticed his long face, and that no one can get by, without giving it to themselves some too.

I know eventually, he's going to lose it or something, because the pain will be too great. I don't know how I will respond then. I'll probably urge him to get counseling, or tell him how I cope, or both. Like, our relationship is improving, because he's getting more gratitude from me, now that I realize he's incapable of a reciprocal relationship, and now that I am doing better.

Right now, I don't really want to be closer to him, but I think you're right, that being a hard ass, in the long run, I'd regret a lot. I mean, luckily I'm emotionally mature enough and good at dealing with pain, to have a lot of options on what to do, once I'm more healed. A lot of people still carry too much trauma to even consider it. I think you know, I have to parent him, without getting involved too much. I don't know how here, I've never even been a parent, but I know how to parent myself, so there's a chance I can.

Yes, well my exGF had BPD and she was basically insane, my Dad is more calculated, and petty, and bitter, and power hungry than anything. My exGF would be all over the place, doing all sorts of insane obsessive behaviors, she was much more aggressive about sucking you in, and had a much more severe abandonment issues, she was basically a train wreck in every single way. I don't think I could work with her, to be honest. She's not rational enough, and she'd need even more therapy than my Dad does.