My "best" friend is now dating my BPD ex

[Anonymousgirl291]

I (23/F) used to be in a relationship with this BPD guy for about 2 yrs, when he suddenly decided to break up with me because he was feeling guilty because of hurting me, as he told me later. He had told me that I was the love of his life and the best thing that had ever happened to him a day before breaking up with me through the phone, telling me that I shouldn't call him for 3 months and that he needs 3 months to think if he wants to be with me again or not!
I was soo confused and hurt for about a year and my best friend helped me alot through it. But I couldn't move on so I decided to be friends with my ex. It was just the 3 of us and we had a lot of fun together (with my ex and my best friend).
My friend was also aware of his illness and always told me that he can never be in a relationship and that he doesn't deserve anyone. She knew what I went through and how he hurt my feelings.
About 3 weeks ago she showed up in my work place and told me she's been dating my ex for 4 months now, after all the lies she told me about this new guy she's meeting! She said she doesn't want to ruin our friendship but I thought this is gonna be so toxic for me. So I texted her "everyone gets what they actually deserve, wish you the best and I hope you don't fall for sick men anymore." and said goodbye to her, waiting for her apologise. She replied "you're the one who deserves to be alone and you don't deserve real friends with the poisonous ego that you have."
I'm just wondering how could that happen? She knew all about his illness and even made fun of him because of his weird behaviour! How could she choose that useless guy over her best friend? Is it out of jealousy? Because she was jealous of me all the time specially when she saw I'm richer than her. Or maybe she's just as hurt as that BPD guy and that's the reason she attracted him? Anyway she seems really happy now with him and doesn't care about our friendship, I guess she's just faking it to make me jealous! She acts as if I've done something wrong and owe her something!
Anyway I feel nothing but pitty for both of them, but I would really appreciate your opinions on this. It's so confusing.

[kells76]

Hi Anonymousgirl291, welcome to the group 

What you went through sounds really painful -- first a breakup, then a betrayal, especially while it seemed like your friend was helping you.

You're not alone in going through a situation like that. Back when my H and his kids' mom (with many BPD type traits) were together, my H's former best friend was "helping" them with their relationship issues... but before the divorce was final, the "best friend" was dating H's ex. It's clear to me now that H's former best friend has many NPD type traits.

When there's a PD (or more) in the mix, healthy boundaries are often absent. Healthy boundaries would be things like "I don't use someone else's distress as a way to get in a relationship with them", or "I am honest with others about the relationships I'm in". pwPDs (people with personality disorders) tend to have poor boundaries, and also may use people and relationships as ways to get their deep needs for "feeling OK" met. A person with BPD may seek to attach to someone else in a desperate attempt to avoid feeling abandoned. A person with NPD may view "getting the other guy's girl" as a statement of his superiority.

PD's are by definition disorders, so when we try to "make sense" of the choices pwPDs make, we often hit a wall -- that's the disorder. It won't make sense to a "broadly normal" person why sudden breakups, betrayals, role switching, etc, are "okay" to do, yet for a pwPD, those choices meet their extreme emotional needs.

How do you think you'll navigate those relationships, going forward? As you're posting on "Detaching", I'm guessing you are done with both of the relationships?

Let us know how you're doing, whenever works for you;

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

My opinion. Count your blessings. Considering the hell I've been through with the two different borderlines you will be far better off finding a healthier relationship with a different romantic interest and a different best friend.

Your best friend kind of knew what she was getting into. Borderlines will initially make themselves the ideal partner [love bombing, they mainly do this because of the fear of abandonment], basically you're dating the fantasy mate, until, they are comfortable with the relationship and then they start to devalue.  This is part of the borderline narcissistic relationship cycle.

Take care, please ask questions.

[Pook075]

Hey Girl291!  I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I'll echo others in saying that this is a blessing in disguise.  Their relationship will blow up and your friend will be left wondering what the heck happened.  That's on her though for falling for the wrong guy despite your warnings.  

We all think that we're different or we're special and it won't happen to us.  Well, guess what...we're all here because it happened to us.

As far as how it happened, that's fairly easy.  Many here will tell you that the stories that come back to them 6 months later about their breakups sounds like something out of a Marvel multiverse movie.  My ex distorted the truth so badly to get sympathy from our friends and family- a lot of what she said was actually describing what she did (projecting her worst traits onto me).  We have to accept that, some people will think we're the monsters until they actually talk to us for five minutes.  

That's life with a BPD ex and your <former> best friend is a victim here just as much as you are.  Don't be surprised when she comes to you in a few months for support because she gets her heart ripped out too.

[Notwendy]

Your <former> best friend is a victim here just as much as you are.  Don't be surprised when she comes to you in a few months for support because she gets her heart ripped out too.

I think one of the misconceptions if someone with BPD moves on to someone else is that it will be better with that person. It's known that if someone ends a dysfunctional relationship without examining their role in the dynamics ( and also doing some work on this) - they risk recreating similar dynamics with someone else. It's also been said that two people in a romantic relationship tend to match each other emotionally. If someone ends up in a long term relationship with a disordered person, that also meets their emotional needs in some way. This is what is needed to look into.

This also brings to mind the Karpman triangle and the three roles. Yes, your "friend" knew of your ex's issues and then, she jumped in to "rescue" him. So it's possible she has rescuing and "wanting to fix other" tendencies as well. I think one can predict that it's likely he's going to repeat the same dynamics with her. There's a "painting white" beginning- but I think you can predict she's going to experience similar dynamics as you.

Looks to me that your friend lied to you and broke your trust and you have ended the relationship with her as you feel the lying and breach of trust undermines any potential friendship for you. If she were to come back to you in "victim" position, this is still Karpman triangle dynamics and being in a triangle with them.

I see from your post that you recognized that being friends with her is a toxic situation for you. This is a boundary- you recognizing that a relationship (any kind, not just romantic) is not good for you and practicing self care. Keep this focus. There's a saying "not my circus, not my monkeys". Whatever those two are up to is none of your concern and not your fault.