BPD mother had to be moved to assisted living- not by choice.

[Depression = 72% of members]

BPD mother's extended family must have known more than we did, because BPD mother's finances were so far in peril that unless she moved, she'd be in danger of defaulting on her home equity loan. They realized that she has not allowed us to know much about her situation nor would she consider suggestions from us, but they have an influence on her, so they stepped in.

So, they got together, talked to her, and helped her move to a place she can afford. They kept me informed, I agreed to their concerns and the proposed move. She really had no choice in the matter and so she agreed.

On one hand, it's been extremely helpful to have them direct the decisions, and also, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. It's an adjustment for BPD mother with lots of drama. Understandably being in a new unfamiliar place is an adjustment for anyone- but BPD affects how she deals with stress. We have been calling more often to check on her and also be supportive but phone calls seem to result in drama. She will on one hand act as if she's in total disarray with me, then be just fine when a friend visits.

I have realized she acts the most emotional with me.  I don't know if it is deliberate on her part as she isn't honest with me and is manipulative or, if I am the person she doesn't hold it together for. I also understand that she's stressed.

This also means the house needs to be sold asap to pay the loan and also make any remaining equity available to her. Her family is giving me the opportunity to take any sentimental items I may want before they clear it out. They are looking at this through the "normal" way- as if it's helpful to her to begin to clear out the house and she'd be agreeable to this. However, they don't know that she's also held on to any items I may want and has been controlling with them to the point that I disengaged  from any discussion over them with her. My children may want some keepsakes so I will make one attempt but only if my BPD mother agrees and sticks to that. I won't engage in any drama with her over them.

I am both concerned for her and also appalled at her behavior- the latter, being appalled is just my own being judgmental- in 12 step terms "expecting someone to be different from who they are". Her behavior really is no different from how she's always handled money. Dad left her a generous sum and she's been reckless with it. Fortunately she has enough to manage the costs of where she's at now.

I don't know if she will adjust to her new situation but she has no choice but to do it. Already she's complaining about things now, but that isn't unusual. I hope she behaves well enough that they can manage her. I am relieved that she's in a better situation than being in her own home. The place is actually quite nice, and the staff seems caring. There are a lot of social opportunities for her to be with other people. It could be a good thing for her, if she allows it to be.

[Notwendy]

BPD mother's extended family must have known more than we did, because BPD mother's finances were so far in peril that unless she moved, she'd be in danger of defaulting on her home equity loan. They realized that she has not allowed us to know much about her situation nor would she consider suggestions from us, but they have an influence on her, so they stepped in.

So, they got together, talked to her, and helped her move to a place she can afford. They kept me informed, I agreed to their concerns and the proposed move. She really had no choice in the matter and so she agreed.

On one hand, it's been extremely helpful to have them direct the decisions, and also, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. It's an adjustment for BPD mother with lots of drama. Understandably being in a new unfamiliar place is an adjustment for anyone- but BPD affects how she deals with stress. We have been calling more often to check on her and also be supportive but phone calls seem to result in drama. She will on one hand act as if she's in total disarray with me, then be just fine when a friend visits.

I have realized she acts the most emotional with me.  I don't know if it is deliberate on her part as she isn't honest with me and is manipulative or, if I am the person she doesn't hold it together for. I also understand that she's stressed.

This also means the house needs to be sold asap to pay the loan and also make any remaining equity available to her. Her family is giving me the opportunity to take any sentimental items I may want before they clear it out. They are looking at this through the "normal" way- as if it's helpful to her to begin to clear out the house and she'd be agreeable to this. However, they don't know that she's also held on to any items I may want and has been controlling with them to the point that I disengaged  from any discussion over them with her. My children may want some keepsakes so I will make one attempt but only if my BPD mother agrees and sticks to that. I won't engage in any drama with her over them.

I am both concerned for her and also appalled at her behavior- the latter, being appalled is just my own being judgmental- in 12 step terms "expecting someone to be different from who they are". Her behavior really is no different from how she's always handled money. Dad left her a generous sum and she's been reckless with it. Fortunately she has enough to manage the costs of where she's at now.

I don't know if she will adjust to her new situation but she has no choice but to do it. Already she's complaining about things now, but that isn't unusual. I hope she behaves well enough that they can manage her. I am relieved that she's in a better situation than being in her own home. The place is actually quite nice, and the staff seems caring. There are a lot of social opportunities for her to be with other people. It could be a good thing for her, if she allows it to be.

[I Am Redeemed]

This certainly could have turned out differently and I am glad her extended family was able to step in and facilitate this for her.

Perhaps she will adjust in time. Assisted living would be an adjustment for anyone, and no doubt the bpd is making that harder. However, hopefully the staff is accustomed to dealing with older people who are less than enthusiastic about their situation and act out.

I’m glad that she is in a place where she can receive the care she needs.

[SaltyDawg]

NotWendy,

   Thanks for sharing.  Sending you hugs with everything that you are going through emotionally and this 'move' implies. 

   It sounds like you have thought it through, and you have extended family members that are handling the more difficult aspects of this, which is helpful and relieves you of having to make those decisions even though you still have all kinds emotions related to this event in your mother's life.

   Just a gentle reminder, the person she lashes out at the most, is the one she cares for the most - so even though you are getting the brunt of her negative emotions, you can also feel comforted that she also cares for you the most and you are the person whom she is most comfortable in with where she feels the safest not to 'hold it together'.  I know it doesn't feel that way; and can be very upsetting to you.

   If you are familiar with the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance'; I would suggest using that as a coping mechanism for you when your mother does this to you.

   I use something similar with my wife, and for me it has made a huge difference in how I interact with her.

   My version of 'radical acceptance' is to pre-forgive, in essence, I know the reality of my situation is that my wife will eventually transgress against me in the form of appallingly bad behavior. Since I know this to be a fact [based on historical patterns], I know this is going to happen again, as long as I know that she is not deliberately doing this, and I see that she is being triggered by external forces; therefore, I have already forgiven her for what she does not know that she is about to do. That's what makes it radical.

   Part of radical acceptance is "Once individuals can accept [forgiveness] reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made" and I have added forgiving her in the accepted part of reality, even though I do not approve of her actions and will state as much when it is happening to me.

   In essence I have mentally compartmentalized my wife's bad behavior as being attributable to her mental state of mind, and she is 'not guilty by reason of insanity' literally, and that is how I treat it when she treats me badly.  It is kind of like when you observed "expecting someone to be different from who they are" when in fact they can't be.

   The good news, is that she is in a place that could be better for her with social activities and a caring and attentive staff. 

   You have listened to me in my time of need and comforted me.  I am listening to you in your time of need - share as much or as little as you like, and I will attempt to return what you have done for me.

   I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice I have learned in the past year, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

   Take care.

   

[Notwendy]

Thanks for your support Salty Dawg-

I think it's amazing that you have been able to have this kind of grace with your wife. I hope that this kind of thing helped my father as well.

I agree- no sense in being appalled at her behaving exactly as she is wired to be. We would not feel appalled if a young child did something irresponsible- that's not in their capacity for it.

Forgiveness is important. I think from the perspective of forgiveness- we have to see it from the adult perspective but it wasn't always that way. Children can't rationalize it. For many of us, we have felt overly responsible for our BPD mothers' behaviors. I think it has been puzzling to my mother's family that when they say things that they consider helpful such as  "go to the house and get some things you want to have" and we hesitate to do that. They don't know the whole of it- but they have realized we could not do what they could do- BPD mother would not agree to our suggestions and we are  afraid to do things that may upset her.

We are grateful that her family now supports us, but this is entirely new for me. If we did anything that might upset BPD mother, we also risked being punished by Dad. It's been an array of emotions, from relief to gratitude for their support and also fear on our part, as we were not allowed to be assertive with her.

As adults, we understand better and it is completely normal and expected that adult children take on a larger role with an elderly BPD parent and we are willing to do our part. Having support from any other adult in our lives is a first for us. We were parentified before we were capable and yet, had no say in anything she did, even if we knew it was not appropriate behavior. When it comes to managing money, we were conscientious of budgeting money and tried to work outside jobs as teens, and I am grateful that we learned that early on, but worrying about our family budget and her spending at that age was a lot for teens to deal with on their own.

So on one hand, as an adult, I feel I can understand and certainly forgive, and yet on the other hand it feels like being 12 years old and feeling scared and alone. I am grateful for your support and the others on this board.

[madeline7]

Good morning NotWendy,
Sending you hugs. When my elderly uBPDm agreed to move from independent living to assisted living about 3 years ago, I remember my friend, (who works in the elder care industry and knows my my mom is mentally unstable), told me the move might present difficulties for my Mom but would be better for me and my siblings. She continues to self isolate, refuses to eat in the dining room or attend activities, but is cared for by the staff and has fallen multiple times and has a medical team on hand to intervene as needed. She occasionally yells at the staff from what I have been told and has been challenging in other ways but I'm confident the facility can handle her and she will likely be able to stay there indefinitely. I forged a good relationship with the social worker. Having her needs met by professionals and caregivers has indeed been "easier" for me, like my friend said 3 years ago. It has allowed me the opportunity to realize and reinforce healthy boundaries. I still struggle with feelings of sadness for her, as she wants to either live on her own or with her kids and can't believe she has ended up "alone" in placement. But I also have feelings of anger about being emotionally abused by her all these years and the audacity of her thinking I will start my retirement years by taking care of her after she has hurt me so deeply. Bottom line is no matter how much I do it will never be enough. She wasn't happy as a child, wasn't happy when my Dad was alive, she wasn't happy in her independent apartment after he died and she isn't happy in assisted living. Big surprise...she will never be happy no matter where she is and no matter who is around her. I hope your Mom adjusts as best as she can to the AL. And it's good to hear that the extended family is giving you the opportunity to go through the house to get any sentimental items. Take good care of yourself.

[Methuen]

Wow just wow.

Your extended family is like the fairy godmother that whisked in and waved the magic wand.

I understand it hasn’t been easy. And I can comprehend the behaviors.  I know where you are coming from when you use the word appalling.  

Still this is progress.  It had to happen.

And what a gift that her family whisked in and made it happen.  From my perspective, that sounds like a miracle.

Honestly, giving her an usual amount of attention at this time may be supportive, but it may or may not be helpful with the BPD.  You will know by how she treats you.

I am very happy for you that this chapter is over.  I am curious, how did they know about the finances? Did she or you find a way to communicate this?

I know you have supportive H and children around you.  Take good care.  The change will be big for you as well as her.  And with all that needs to be done with the sale of the house, you will need gas in the tank.  I hope it goes as well as it can.

[zachira]

So glad to hear your mother is in assisted living and her family has taken over managing the situation with her. I am wondering what you mean about not engaging in any drama with your mother over the things you would like to have from her house. Do you think her relatives are going to tell her if you take anything?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Notwendy,

I seem to recall you had to be emotionally distanced a lot, as your mother kept refusing assisted living. I can only imagine how relieving this must feel, to know she is now under care in assisted living. I'm not sure what you mean by emotional roller coaster? Is it because of the drama? The change? The realization that she truly is "getting there"?

[Couscous]

Wow! That’s fantastic news!

And it’s so great that you will now have the opportunity to take any sentimental items. I’m assuming it will be easy enough for you to arrange that she is not in the house while you do so.

I’m so happy for this outcome! 

[Notwendy]

Thanks to everyone for your support.

For Salty Dog- since this is a spouse -the unusual situation with BPD is that, they may have emotional immaturity, but normal cognition and are considered legal adults. This was put in terms for me by social services "legally competent to make their own bad decisions". It's an unusual situation because if someone was intellectually delayed, it is possible to appoint a guardian for them or take power of attorney. They can still be self directed but one doesn't give them responsibilities beyond their capability but this can not be done with a legally competent person.

The odd situation growing up where we had to be careful with money and BPD mother was not didn't make much sense to us as teens and in college. What I did find out later was that although it seemed money was tight, it was not as tight as I thought it was be because I discovered later that he had been saving retirement funds at the time, which was a very wise decision on his part. I see this now as a gift to us that my parents would have sufficient funds for my mother to have assistance from caregivers.

The reason she has adequate income for a modestly priced but nicely adequate assisted living now is that some of it comes to her in the form of monthly payments. I don't know exactly how much she had in savings, checking, CD's or IRA's but she spent through anything she could access and then she leveraged at least over half the equity in her home. Seeing her behavior with money, we were concerned she might do this.

For Salty Dawg- you know your wife and how she behaves and so, if possible, consult someone about how to have your retirement savings managed in a more protective way for when you do retire.

For Methuen's question, I think it was more possible for BPD mother to divulge this information to her family of the same generation. She is old school about not discussing income with children. I agree that parents should have this be private and between adults but at some point, if adult children are going to be involved with decisions in their elder years, it needs to be a collaboration between all- and as adults, so long as the adult children are trustworthy.

I think this traditional arrangement plays into her refusing to disclose her finances to us and also I think there had to be some shame about us finding out. Maybe the fear of loss of the leverage she thought money had which wasn't actually true. Then there's all the dynamics with BPD and the people closest to them and the paradox that she seemed to trust strangers rather than her own children. I think though, the main reason for her might have been shame.

And Madeline- our mothers behave so similarly. I can relate to your post.

Yes, it seems amazing that her family was able to make this happen.

[Notwendy]

Hi Notwendy,

I seem to recall you had to be emotionally distanced a lot, as your mother kept refusing assisted living. I can only imagine how relieving this must feel, to know she is now under care in assisted living. I'm not sure what you mean by emotional roller coaster? Is it because of the drama? The change? The realization that she truly is "getting there"?

She's reacting to it, lots of drama. I think we can only emotionally distance ourselves to some extent. The idea of going through the house, items that were forbidden to me before- yes, I detached but even the possibility is with mixed emotions, due to the drama about them. There's the feeling of relief, of validation that her FOO is beginning to understand the situation, but also it's not something we are used to. It's a good thing, but still new and I still feel wary of anyone in my mother's circle.

[Notwendy]

Wow! That’s fantastic news!

And it’s so great that you will now have the opportunity to take any sentimental items. I’m assuming it will be easy enough for you to arrange that she is not in the house while you do so.

I’m so happy for this outcome! 

Thanks, me too. I hope she allows me to get some items. They still legally belong to her. Her FOO suggested this but she still has to agree. I haven't asked her yet. I won't pursue it further if she isn't on board with this or there is drama.

[Couscous]

I can understand why you feel like you’re 12 years old. It’s definitely not the norm for extended family take over in matters like this, but in this case, it seems like it is the only way.

And really, who cares what your extended family may or may not be thinking. All that matters is that the problem has been solved. Yes, it’s unfortunate that your mother trusts them more than she trusts her own children, but her paranoia is a manifestation of her illness, so try your best to not take it personally. I think SaltyDawg’s advice to “forgive her for she knows not what she does” is really spot on.

As for your extended family, they are going to draw whatever conclusions about why you mother has not entrusted you and your sibling with this responsibility, and if their minds are made up it’s unlikely that you are going to be able to confuse them with the facts. You can always distance yourself from them if you need to.

[GaGrl]

Just coming in on this...

Oh, my, NotWendy, you must be feeling a mix of emotions! Relief, for sure -- but I imagine quite a few others.

I'm sure the assisted living facility will allow a reasonable number of personal items that she can enjoy in her room. The question will be what happens to all the other "stuff." I hope your family members can help negotiate that challenge. In doing so, they may get a better sense of your mother's relationship with you and why you maintain a level of emotional and physical distance.

[SaltyDawg]

For Salty Dog- since this is a spouse -the unusual situation with BPD is that, they may have emotional immaturity, but normal cognition and are considered legal adults. This was put in terms for me by social services "legally competent to make their own bad decisions". It's an unusual situation because if someone was intellectually delayed, it is possible to appoint a guardian for them or take power of attorney. They can still be self directed but one doesn't give them responsibilities beyond their capability but this can not be done with a legally competent person.

The odd situation growing up where we had to be careful with money and BPD mother was not didn't make much sense to us as teens and in college. What I did find out later was that although it seemed money was tight, it was not as tight as I thought it was be because I discovered later that he had been saving retirement funds at the time, which was a very wise decision on his part. I see this now as a gift to us that my parents would have sufficient funds for my mother to have assistance from caregivers.

The reason she has adequate income for a modestly priced but nicely adequate assisted living now is that some of it comes to her in the form of monthly payments. I don't know exactly how much she had in savings, checking, CD's or IRA's but she spent through anything she could access and then she leveraged at least over half the equity in her home. Seeing her behavior with money, we were concerned she might do this.

For Salty Dawg- you know your wife and how she behaves and so, if possible, consult someone about how to have your retirement savings managed in a more protective way for when you do retire.

Thank you for the retirement advice.  However, as I find myself in the opposite situation where we have not spent enough, even though we could afford more.  It's complicated; however, the short version is that my wife in addition to being DSM V 8/9 uBPD [Cluster B PD], she is also likely comorbid 8/8 uOCPD [Cluster C PD].  The miserly spending symptom/trait of OCPD offsets the impulsivity symptom of uBPD with regards to spending, but not other impulsive behaviors.  I've been able to navigate the miserly spending to frugal spending convincing her that being frugal is actually better than being miserly or cheap which is actually more costly in the long run since you have to replace cheap items more often than quality ones.  My wife, except when triggered, is 'high-functioning' and hyper-intelligent and is an accountant by trade, so she is very good with money, and tight too.  The downside is if she were to divorce me [too many threats to count] it could wipe out most of the retirement savings and has been able to hide some of it in assets the family court cannot touch.  I am on a monthly pension right now, and social security will kick in another 6-1/2 years.  Other monies are locked in life-insurance plans [including one for assisted living], so in that aspect I we are way ahead of the game than most.  Our children will not be impacted in that manner, as everything is already fully funded, including their educations once they go to college.

I retired early to manage the collateral emotional damage to my children, as when I was employed, I was a sailor and was not physically present in the home much of the time only to come home to life-threatening mental health issues in my immediate family which I have documented previously and you have helped me with.

Thank you for your concern.

Be sure to do self-care, as I find that most helpful when dealing with this type of stuff.

Take care.

[Couscous]

NW, just out of interest, what happened when your mother’s parents got to this point in their lives? I’m also wondering if there is any history in your family of adult children stealing their parents’ money in the their old age. It’s a bit odd that your extended family did not consult with you and your sibling before taking charge, and I’m really wondering about that.  

Perhaps you and your sibling could tell them how thankful and relieved you are for their assistance, and that even though it’s unfortunate that your mother didn’t trust you with the responsibility. That way you are addressing the elephant in the room and get things out in the open.

[Notwendy]

To clarify- my mother's family has consulted us. I had assumed they were in my BPD mother's camp and kept a distance from them for some time. However, they spent enough time with her to begin to be concerned and asked us about it. I told them what was going on, not the whole picture but enough that they saw it and also then I think there were some interactions with her that they realized she is not making wise decisions.

They have been transparent with us, and we have with them. They may be taking the lead on this but are keeping us informed.

As to her possessions, they are hers. Her FOO isn't interested in them. For me, the items of interest are things like photographs, heirlooms.

There isn't any history of anyone taking money from older parents- the adult children were financially stable. I think it's BPD thinking on my mother's part.

[Couscous]

To clarify- my mother's family has consulted us. I had assumed they were in my BPD mother's camp and kept a distance from them for some time. However, they spent enough time with her to begin to be concerned and asked us about it. I told them what was going on, not the whole picture but enough that they saw it and also then I think there were some interactions with her that they realized she is not making wise decisions.

They have been transparent with us, and we have with them. They may be taking the lead on this but are keeping us informed.

As to her possessions, they are hers. Her FOO isn't interested in them. For me, the items of interest are things like photographs, heirlooms.

There isn't any history of anyone taking money from older parents- the adult children were financially stable. I think it's BPD thinking on my mother's part.

This is all very good news. It sounds like her FOO know what she’s like and may not be quite as loyal to her as you may have feared. Who knows, maybe you’ll even be able to (cautiously) reconnect with some of them.

I hope you will go do something to celebrate this happy turn of events! 

[Notwendy]

I hope you will go do something to celebrate this happy turn of events! 

I plan to!

For Salty Dog- Maybe the common element is that disordered thinking and emotions influence how people handle money. It can play out on the Karpman triangle- for the person who feels like a victim, it can be used to "rescue" themselves by over spending and indulging, or for control or to act out at the perceived persecutor. This can happen with possessions as well.  I think it's common for two spouses to have different salaries, probably more common than for them to be equal, but marriage ideally would teamwork and pooled resources. It's the dynamics with BPD that makes this more difficult to achieve.

[SaltyDawg]

For Salty Dog- Maybe the common element is that disordered thinking and emotions influence how people handle money. It can play out on the Karpman triangle- for the person who feels like a victim, it can be used to "rescue" themselves by over spending and indulging, or for control or to act out at the perceived persecutor. This can happen with possessions as well.  I think it's common for two spouses to have different salaries, probably more common than for them to be equal, but marriage ideally would teamwork and pooled resources. It's the dynamics with BPD that makes this more difficult to achieve.

Prior to me retiring our income was not equal; however, with my pension and her part-time job, our income is nearly identical (within $40 a month); however, I do bring in the medical benefits for the family, with that factored in, I still bring in the majority to the relationship.  Surprisingly, for us, money is generally not an issue, except for a few things, we have less money issues than normal couples do, the money aspect, other than being miserly is not an issue.  Currently it is teamwork, and pooled resources, however, I do recognize the traps that have been placed to ensure my compliance to her control of the finances.  Neither one of us overspends, nor do we indulge excessively.  However, she does have an app that tracks my purchases, and has in the past asked about my micro-purchases when I was doing an oddball projects, and won't let me make hobby related purchases; however, with therapy, she has gotten much better about those types of purchases.  While there are some money issues, it is generally not a disordered level in our situation with only a handful of exceptions which would meet the criteria.

Where the disorder primarily is -- it is in the purely emotional aspects.  It is primarily in emotional control, emotional abuse which has spilled over into physical type stuff on rare occasions.  Boundaries have been erected, and are enforced for both physical and emotional abuse.

Thanks for the feedback, and advice, it is much appreciated.

Take care.

[Notwendy]

I am glad this is manageable for you Salty Dawg. Although my father earned all of the income (women were mostly housewives in my mother's era- this was the norm), BPD mother seemed to control what was spent on. I recall asking my father for something small- like under $10- and he'd reply "did BPD mother say you could have this". As if he can't decide to buy something for me if he wanted to. Asking for anything from my parents required BPD mother's permission and became a potential control on her part.

Once I was able to support myself as an adult, I didn't have to ask my parents for anything and have not. I have learned that with BPD mother, you just don't do that. She has even controlled what I put in her trash can. I once even put a bag of trash from her house in my car and drove it to a dumpster to avoid the drama over this.

As you can imagine, the topic of taking anything out of her house is a potential control and drama point. Although she's told her FOO it's OK, I have to ask her to do this. I can understand the sentiment from her FOO. They think they are suggesting something nice for me but even the idea of asking my BPD mother is something I have tried to avoid.

[Couscous]

Although she's told her FOO it's OK, I have to ask her to do this.

Why do you have to ask?

[Notwendy]

It’s her house and belongings and she’s the only one with the key. So I have to ask her for it and to ask to take anything.

[zachira]

Would it make sense to have someone present who your mother wants to look good in front of when you have this conversation or would your mother likely retract whatever she promised later?

[Notwendy]

Probably-

I think the best outcome is to just let her take the lead here. I think her FOO is thinking in "normal" terms where the parent would like to see family mementos saved and so has asked me first, to be considerate. BPD mother has her own agenda and all is legally hers. It's hard to know what she will do but whatever she decides, the steps to sell her house are her decisions.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Notwendy,

I know I'm late to jump in on your thread, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. This is such a major change, not only for you but also for your mom, and really, the entire family. There seems to be relief and also that this is a positive and necessary change, all without your needing to be involved. I am glad for that for you.

For so long you've only known the 'other' way of dealing with your mom in her own setting, one that you have ties to because of your dad too. Now the setting has changed. My mind and heart would probably alternate between the "what do I do with this change" and "nothing has really changed" stages. Change is stressful, even good change.

It's good that now you might have access to some of the things you've wanted, but seems as if your BPDm still holds the strings. That's so sad. I think you're wise to let her take the lead. I hope in the end that there's a better outcome for you to be able to get some of the things you want, even if they come by and through the hands of someone else.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Hi Notwendy,

I know I'm late to jump in on your thread, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. This is such a major change, not only for you but also for your mom, and really, the entire family. There seems to be relief and also that this is a positive and necessary change, all without your needing to be involved. I am glad for that for you.

For so long you've only known the 'other' way of dealing with your mom in her own setting, one that you have ties to because of your dad too. Now the setting has changed. My mind and heart would probably alternate between the "what do I do with this change" and "nothing has really changed" stages. Change is stressful, even good change.

It's good that now you might have access to some of the things you've wanted, but seems as if your BPDm still holds the strings. That's so sad. I think you're wise to let her take the lead. I hope in the end that there's a better outcome for you to be able to get some of the things you want, even if they come by and through the hands of someone else.

 
Wools

Thanks Wools, I didn't think she'd ever move from her house and she didn't until she had no choice. It would be nice to get some mementoes but I have no expectations of what she will do and I don't wish to have drama with her over them. It's best for her to be in assisted living- I hope she settles in and makes some friends. Hopefully all will work out.

[Notwendy]

Would it make sense to have someone present who your mother wants to look good in front of when you have this conversation or would your mother likely retract whatever she promised later?

Yes, but also she changes her mind sometimes, so I think I will just go with what she decides in the moment.

[SaltyDawg]

I am glad this is manageable for you Salty Dawg. Although my father earned all of the income (women were mostly housewives in my mother's era- this was the norm), BPD mother seemed to control what was spent on. I recall asking my father for something small- like under $10- and he'd reply "did BPD mother say you could have this". As if he can't decide to buy something for me if he wanted to. Asking for anything from my parents required BPD mother's permission and became a potential control on her part.

Once I was able to support myself as an adult, I didn't have to ask my parents for anything and have not. I have learned that with BPD mother, you just don't do that. She has even controlled what I put in her trash can. I once even put a bag of trash from her house in my car and drove it to a dumpster to avoid the drama over this.

As you can imagine, the topic of taking anything out of her house is a potential control and drama point. Although she's told her FOO it's OK, I have to ask her to do this. I can understand the sentiment from her FOO. They think they are suggesting something nice for me but even the idea of asking my BPD mother is something I have tried to avoid.

I feel your pain, however, the control over micro-purchases is present with my uBPDw too, miserly spending; however, this has improved with her with therapy.  In order to keep the peace, I can understand your dad's reasoning for the $10 purchase, so he can give her token things where she could control, in order to prevent her from raging, I unfortunately do the same with my son - work-a-round is to give him some money, and he needs to manage it, it give him tools for money management when he gets older.  My daughter is very good with money too. 

Since so many things are out of control for a pwBPD, the need to feel that they are 'in control' of something as it definitely is not their emotions.

I understand the avoiding bit too; however, I have come to learn to use the 'seed planting tool'.  Suggest it one day using one of the communication tools, wait a few days, and then ask to do it, much easier this way.  It is one of my favorite tools to use on a pwBPD.