Another Indicator I am on the Road to Radical Acceptance

[zachira]

Today I learned that my only niece, the daughter of my NPD sister, has excluded me from her more private Facebook page postings. Earlier in the week over dinner with a relative, it was made clear to me that I was not welcome at the Celebration of Life of a close relative. A couple of days ago, I got one of my Christmas cards returned, from relatives who did not bother to let me know that they have moved. I am surprised at how calm I was when I realized my niece who I dearly love does not want me in her life, and it does not surprise me given all the pressure she is under from her parents and other family members to have nothing to do with me. I am also now feeling that I do not want to attend the Celebration of Life. I am actually feeling happier, lighter, and empowered. Now it is time to move forward on doing what I have to do to end the legal obligations I have to the family and to go even lower contact, eventually full no contact. I am in a place, I thought I would never get to.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira,
You sound calm and at peace.  It's wonderful that you've reached this place.  

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are doing so well!

[Cat Familiar]

I just finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and from that paradigm, it sounds like you are figuring out what is important to care about, and what isn’t. Good work!   

[zachira]

Methuen, Notwendy, Cat Familiar,
Thank you for being happy for me about my progress, something my former family (using this term for the first time) could never do, be glad for me instead they got angry and abusive.
All the relatives who did hurtful things to me this week, are people who have been extremely generous and kind to me at times. I fully understand the ongoing pressure from the family to gang up on the scapegoat and I have caved into that pressure as well a few times, though most of the time I did everything I could to help the abused people. I will always regret not bothering to go up and hug one of my scapegoated aunts the last time I saw her. She loved me from the time I was a small child. In her old age, she did not treat her children and others well, and she had an illness that can change a person's personality. I realize that my relatives are uncomfortable with having me at the Celebration of Life because it means that there will be endless meltdowns and negative comments about my presence. I don't want to be there either, and I say this feeling comfortable in my own skin. I truly feel sad for my former family. I have noticed that the people who are truly happy in life often feel sad when somebody is acting badly.
I am sharing all this about my former family, and somehow I am no longer angry and depressed. I am ready to make my own family. Last night I dreamt about being in love with a man who loved me, who was kind and generous, who also loved me. This is a new kind of dream. Radical acceptance opens new doors, like replacing the nightmares with pleasant dreams.
I am now seriously considering selling my summer home. As long as I am in the same community as my former family and their flying monkeys, I know the abuses will never stop. At the same time, I feel like I am can handle whatever abuse comes my way, and perhaps I don't want to sell my house as my best friends live there year round and I love being there, especially off season when the former family is pretty much not around. Time will tell, and I will be fine whatever I decide to do.
I share all this because so many of us like I have often feel that the internal peace will never come. We constantly try new things: going low or no contact, therapy, body work, meditation, mindfulness, support groups, etc. We arrive at radical acceptance when we get there. It is not something we can force on ourselves.There is hope for everybody who keeps facing the pain of having disordered family members to be at peace.
Wishing you all peace and happiness. Your ongoing support has helped me in the darkest of times.

[madeline7]

One of my favorite expressions, and maybe from Dr Rumani or someone on this board is
When one person poisons the well, we all get sick
This has helped me put into perspective how those affected by the behavior of my pwBPD has created the toxic mess we all try to survive.
I'm so glad you are on the road to acceptance. Sending hugs.

[Notwendy]

Dreams have interesting imagery. I think the dream is your progress in radical acceptance and that includes you accepting and loving yourself. I don't think that "man" in that dream is about another person.  I think that man was a symbol of you accepting that you are lovable and worthy of love, and that now, you can believe it.

The source of self love is already with you and one day, I hope you will meet someone to share that with if you want to.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
(When one person poisons the well, we all get sick.), also describes what I have been going through with my former family. It is so helpful to have this expression as part of my collection, as I have been thinking about this a lot this week, as I continue to work on setting healthier boundaries when deciding what kind of people to let into my inner circle of friends. I really want to have a few good friends and my main requirement right now is that they be people of integrity. I have been beyond shocked at how the relationships with the few family members I did feel valued by have been ruined as they have been recruited to abuse me as well. I now feel sad for the flying monkeys and not angry.
I have lots of respect for you in how you have dealt with your mother and how you have put your children's wellbeing first. You have indeed broken the cycle of abuse.
I am sending you hugs as well.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
What you have expressed reflects perfectly what I have been thinking. I have asked myself my whole life why I have dreams about being abused by men. I have dated many fine men who I did not feel attracted to at all. My lifetime challenge has been to feel worthy of love and to stop gaslighting myself with the feelings of devaluation projected onto me by my former family members. It is such a relief to have self compassion. It has helped me to understand the differences between self esteem and self compassion. Self esteem is based on comparing ourselves to others, on looking down on others. Self compassion is about loving ourselves and having the capacity to genuinely love other people as well. I think my life is about to get a whole lot better as I continue to create loving relationships with others, and appear to be no longer reenacting my traumas with disordered people.

[Notwendy]

I have had similar type dreams- where men ( sometimes an old boyfriend, or even my H, or sometimes I don't even know who it is) are rejecting. They aren't abusive but are either not speaking to me or not interested somehow.

After some time working on co-dependency- there was a change in the people in the dreams sometimes- they were caring, and supportive.

Being married, I am not interested in anyone else- so why the dreams? Then I realized the change in the dreams was also at the time where I was becoming more grounded in who I am and not as afraid of not people pleasing. I think the dreams were more a reflection of these changes than about anyone else.

Interesting that you had a dream like that too.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Interesting we have had similar dreams.
I am grateful for all that I learn from other members about how we are affected having disordered family members and how to know we are on the road to healing.

[Notwendy]

We are on the road to healing. I think there's still grief but from a different perspective. I re-read an email from one of the flying monkeys from a while back and it's shocking. There is still sadness about it but from a different perspective. It's sadness but also some distance from it -like what a messed up situation- and re-affirms my wanting to keep a distance from it.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
It really is quite amazing what we put up with from the flying monkeys until we don't. Growing up with a BPD mother, we learn not to have any boundaries and to accept abuse until we don't. And to gradually establish safer boundaries with the flying monkeys. We are on the road to healing!