Hope for a future healthy relationship?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I recently broke up with my bpd bf with whom I have been for 3 years. I don't intend to get back together with him. I know I am certainly not ready yet to get into another romantic relationship, but I hope that one day I will.

However, I feel like I don't even know anymore what is a healthy relationship. It even feels weird to me imagining that someone could actually respect my point of view or handle conflict without being verbally abusive. I know I have self-work to do in order to not get into a similar relationship, and I'm on it.

I am curious about how it feels to get through this and develop a new and healthy relationship.

If any of you who survived a break up with a pwbpd could share their experience about being able to develop a healthy relationship with a new partner afterwards, I would be very interested to hear about it.
It would give me hope for the future...

[keepitup]

Hello,

I recently broke up with my bpd bf with whom I have been for 3 years. I don't intend to get back together with him. I know I am certainly not ready yet to get into another romantic relationship, but I hope that one day I will.

However, I feel like I don't even know anymore what is a healthy relationship. It even feels weird to me imagining that someone could actually respect my point of view or handle conflict without being verbally abusive. I know I have self-work to do in order to not get into a similar relationship, and I'm on it.

I am curious about how it feels to get through this and develop a new and healthy relationship.

If any of you who survived a break up with a pwbpd could share their experience about being able to develop a healthy relationship with a new partner afterwards, I would be very interested to hear about it.
It would give me hope for the future...

[SaltyDawg]

keepitup,

'healthy' is a relative term for me.

I went from the fire into the frying pan with BPD relationships.

First BPD relationship was the late 1990's to 2000, everyone told me to run, I eventually did when she cheated on me not once, but twice.  She was a quiet conventional borderline with NPD in there too and a host of other issues too.

I went from a really unhealthy relationship to one that appeared very 'healthy' in 2001 and I was setup with by mutual friends and had my parents approval = 'healthy', right? 

Initially by all measures, it was a perfect relationship, I felt that it was 'too good to be true', so I waited for two years and 4 months before getting married to her as I read at the time if it is fake, it wouldn't last for more than a year, and in rare cases two - so I made sure I exceeded that general 2-year benchmark for narcissistic love bombing.  There is always the exception to a rule...

The first signs of 'crazy' didn't appear we were married for 5 weeks in 2003 [I didn't know what BPD was until last year], I contemplated leaving at that time, she returned to her 'normal' [which was non-stop love bombing at the time] until we became pregnant.  I am still in this relationship; however, it may not survive much longer.  She presents predominately as a very high functioning invisible that occasionally becomes a conventional when triggered.

So, I am currently doing a deep dive on myself with an individual therapist, and have discovered that I am a 'codependent' which has some of the symptoms like 'abandonment' issues, but they aren't quite as severe as the borderline.  I would advise since you are questioning this, and you are here, and if you can afford it, get yourself an individual therapist who is familiar with BPD relationships and explore your feelings on this matter.

A common characteristic is the 'trauma bond' for these kinds of relationships.  The push-pull dynamic.

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0


Also, I recommend a book or two to learn about borderlines, and how to manage them.

“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd Edition]

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad


One more thing, in order to avoid  this type of personality in the future once you re-enter the dating scene you can look here for traits that others have identified in borderlines at:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353716.0;all
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334928.0

I will wrap this up, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

Take care, good luck, wherever you life's journey takes you.

[keepitup]

Thank you SaltyDawg for sharing your story and for the many links you provide in your reply!

I read the posts you mention and they are truly helpful.

I thought about the red flags mentioned in some of them and they definitely fit my ex. It put words on what I lived and made me realize I was not crazy 

I reflected upon all of this for a while.

I think one of the keys for my growth and to prepare myself for the future dating scene might be to understand what are the red flags I am most vulnerable to (for instance, I realize I tended to have more confidence in someone older than me because they probably knew better or I used to dismissed the red flags I saw because that wonderful man could not possibly do that).

And it does give me hope for the future, because it makes me feel that I can do something about it.

[SaltyDawg]

I think one of the keys for my growth and to prepare myself for the future dating scene might be to understand what are the red flags I am most vulnerable to (for instance, I realize I tended to have more confidence in someone older than me because they probably knew better or I used to dismissed the red flags I saw because that wonderful man could not possibly do that).

And it does give me hope for the future, because it makes me feel that I can do something about it.

While one would think age, someone who is older is wiser, that is not the case when it comes to mental health issues.  My individual therapist at the time introduced me to the world of the borderline with a self-help book in his library describing a university professor having an illicit relationship as he was much older than one of his students who was the uBPDgf/w who was twice as crazy as my wife [that's like being twice as pregnant, you either are or you aren't].  Being older, doesn't make you wiser; however, it does make you more experienced.

My 16 yo daughter is emotionally older and wiser than many of those that are 4x her age - she only lacks 'experience' from the school of hard knocks.  Unfortunately in my family dynamic she has been forced to grow up a lot faster than most.  Fortunately she is very gifted in intellect and has been able to deliberately navigate 'under the RADAR' as she puts it with her own issues after a mental hospital stay almost 4 years ago.

I did read several of your posts since the 'chair incident' this past summer.  One thing that I noticed that was absent from your posts on what you are going to do is 'self-care'.  While personally recognizing other red-flags is very important in this so you don't repeat your past mistakes [a.k.a. learning from the school of 'hard knocks']; however, reflecting and analysing may be helpful using an individual counselor/therapist for a handful of sessions to make sure you didn't miss anything a different perspective.  Go in with a list of questions, and get a 3rd person perspective to make sure you didn't miss anything. 

'Self-care' can be compared when you are on an aircraft in distress [BPD relationship], and the oxygen masks have dropped from the overhead compartment.  You are instructed to put your own oxygen mask on first [self care] before placing an oxygen mask on others [also, care for others].  If you don't put on your mask first, you will eventually succumb not getting enough oxygen while trying to save your bf first.

What self-care looks like for me.  My top three are 1.  Exercise for 1-2 hours, 2-3x per week outside with the sun and wind on my face - no gym membership required.  2.  Nice long hot shower to wash my pain away.  3.  Lose myself in a good movie/tv show/book where I am transported to the world in the movie/show/book and I am distracted from the stark reality that I find myself in.

Google "self-care" for more ideas.

Self care, is something that you can do to make you happy, gives you energy. 

Do 'self-care' and take care.

[Manic Miner]

Hi, just to further emphasize on what Salty said about exercise.

DO exercise a lot. No gym or any other forced, closed spaces with lack of oxygen, full of guys that are mostly there for a show and display, but outdoors.

I will recommend jogging or cycling in nature or parks. You will not only breathe a lot of the fresh air, but prolonged exercising (at least 30mins or more) will release chemicals (endorphins and serotonin) in your brain that will act positively on your well-being and will diminish bad feelings or thoughts. It's scientifically proven fact.

Exposure to nature, greenery and life will work wonders as well.

Wherever I feel like a wreck or crap I go jogging. Even if that means forcing myself out (I'd rather sleep or stare at the ceiling) or having 1% of willingness to do it (I call this 'concrete legs' as my legs feel like a ton and unable to move let alone run). But I go out and bit by bit I do all these kilometers. By the time I return home I'm a new man. Both physically and mentally. Even if that feeling lasts only for a day or two, it's worth it. Your body will remember it and you will be more healthy and in a better shape physically.

[kells76]

Hey keepitup;

Hello,

I recently broke up with my bpd bf with whom I have been for 3 years. I don't intend to get back together with him. I know I am certainly not ready yet to get into another romantic relationship, but I hope that one day I will.

However, I feel like I don't even know anymore what is a healthy relationship. It even feels weird to me imagining that someone could actually respect my point of view or handle conflict without being verbally abusive. I know I have self-work to do in order to not get into a similar relationship, and I'm on it.

I am curious about how it feels to get through this and develop a new and healthy relationship.

If any of you who survived a break up with a pwbpd could share their experience about being able to develop a healthy relationship with a new partner afterwards, I would be very interested to hear about it.
It would give me hope for the future...

Good questions to be asking right now.

My husband's kids' mom has many BPD type traits. They divorced >10 years ago, and H and I met after the divorce. I don't have BPD  so it is very possible to meet a non-PD partner after the end of a PD relationship. I do however cope with depression/anxiety. Also, my mom has some BPD type traits, her father had NPD traits, my H's mom had BPD type behaviors in the past, two of H's sisters have BPD traits, and my best friend's (since high school) mom definitely has BPD, so while neither H nor I have a PD, it's all around us. It may be time well spent to explore what attracted you to your ex -- not just "great sense of humor" but to dig into his family background and your family background to understand why he felt so familiar to you.

You can also consider doing more old-fashioned ways of getting to know someone. If you are involved in a faith group, that can be a way to meet people with similar values. Try only doing "dates" in larger groups for a while -- watch how the person interacts with others. Try to do things with that person plus their family, if possible -- the way possible partners treat family members can tell you a lot about priorities/personality. Join service groups (animal shelter, tree planting) and just meet a lot of people casually.

Also, think about befriending older couples and talking with them about their relationships -- what worked, what doesn't, what their challenges have been, how they have coped. This can also help you reset your idea of "generally normal" relational behavior.

Can you remind me if you have a counselor? Is your counselor married, and if so, would s/he be willing to talk about the relationship with you?

There is hope!

kells76

[keepitup]

Thank you for your replies!

@SaltyDawg, yes, you are right, I tend to ask a lot out of myself and to forget about self-care. It is definitely good advice. I also wanted to thank you for reading my previous posts. It gave me the idea to look back into them too. Well, I'm still shocked to realize I tolerated all of my ex's behavior (for example, the "chair incident" you mentioned). In that case, I remembered the incident in general but I had forgotten that I had gently but firmly stood up for myself and that my ex verbally abused me for it. In the end, I'm glad I got to read that again, definitely a good reminder that I do not miss these behaviors nor do I want to go back with my ex. It makes me sad and angry that I let someone treat me that way for so long. In my healing journey I am learning that it is better to stand up for yourself even if it means losing the relationship than to be abused.

@ManicMiner, indeed, exercise is always good  . I should get back to it!

@kells76, thank you for sharing your experience, it's very interesting! I still reflect upon what attracted me to my ex bpdbf. As you said, there is more to it than "his great sense of humor". I don't have the complete answer yet. As of today, I think it might have to do with our families of origin having poor boundaries... he ended up learning to cross other people's boundaries, while I learned to let others cross mine. Food for thought.
Also, most of my friends are older than me, so I do have some examples of long lasting couples. Some have high conflict relationships, others have loving relationships. My parents have a long lasting relationship (over 40 years), although I never thought it was a good example, as they seldom do things together and get in conflict over what I consider being trivial things. Growing up in that environment might have made me think that I had to put through almost anything to keep a long term relationship.
To answer your question, I do not have a counselor, but it could indeed be beneficial to me to get one in order to talk to them about these subjects.