Ex wBPD and the devaluation discard phase

[Gutt3rSnipe]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

 Did they tell you about your replacement?

Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?

Or was ghosting their method?

[BigEasyHeart]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

* You weren't "there" for me.
* I don't trust you with my life.
* You emotionally neglected my cat.
* You like to suffer.
* You don't care about me. Yes, you did those things for me but you were not sincere, so they don't count.
* You are choosing your work over me.
* Oh, I guess it's always me doing the wrong thing (when I complained about something)
* You don't do your share around the house.
* You used to do _____ but you don't anymore.


 Did they tell you about your replacement?
* No, I assume there is one but I really don't know.


Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?
* Both at different times but eventually it was cold anger.

Or was ghosting their method?
* Yep. That too.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

* You weren't "there" for me.
* I don't trust you with my life.
* You emotionally neglected my cat.
* You like to suffer.
* You don't care about me. Yes, you did those things for me but you were not sincere, so they don't count.
* You are choosing your work over me.
* Oh, I guess it's always me doing the wrong thing (when I complained about something)
* You don't do your share around the house.
* You used to do _____ but you don't anymore.


 Did they tell you about your replacement?
* No, I assume there is one but I really don't know.


Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?
* Both at different times but eventually it was cold anger.

Or was ghosting their method?
* Yep. That too.

Wow she even said you emotionally neglected her cat.. Talk about a reach to be mad at someone.
. Mine said things like

“And you wonder why I don’t want you as  mine anymore”.

“My feelings for you changed and it’s all your fault”.

You played with and disregarded my feelings, and I take that s**t very seriously”.

 “You’re a f**king a**hole”.

“You’re so immature, you’d think I was the thirty year old and you were the 23 year old”

“You’re too clingy, that’s why I can’t be with you. Don’t worry, a lot of girls like clingy guys”

Or my personal favorite, Ascribing so many of the things I’d say  to annoy her to something her ex fiancé would say. She’d always compare me to him. The guy she ended up discarding me for…. The funny thing is, she would tell me how she literally hated him and how she wishes I was the father of her kids instead. It’s amazing how they can’t see the hypocrisy of the things they say in hindsight.

[Pook075]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

• You never loved me.
• You always hated my family.
• You never understood me.

The worst, by far, was, "I associate our sex life with being raped.  I never said no to you so you couldn't rape me."  She was raped maybe 6 months before we started dating, and was sexually aggressive with me to overcome that, I guess?  The thing is, the guy who raped her was a boyfriend at the time that she bragged about having wild sex...at the beach, in cars, etc.  This always confused me- how can you be a victim of rape, yet tell me about great sex with the guy too?  I was too young and dumb to realize that this was deeply disturbing.

Now, because she never said no in 26 years, she associates me with her being raped as well, and that's the last real conversation we had.  There's nothing I can do about that until she gets in therapy...which she says she doesn't need.

Did they tell you about your replacement?

Yes, although hers was a favorite person instead of a romantic interest.  A handicapped individual she cares for.  She may have slept with that person's father or have a relationship with him- not sure.  The other favorite person is our married daughter with our 6 month old grandson; she controls them so I can't have that relationship.

Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?

Mostly calm, but explosive rage anytime I said anything that challenged her belief system.  For instance, if I said that I've always loved her and put her first, she'd start screaming...even if we were in a public place (last incident was about 3 months ago in an Olive Garden- the rape conversation).  Otherwise, she remains super calm and tries to be kind.

Or was ghosting their method?

A combination of ghosting and cyber-stalking, while relying on our adult kids to keep tabs on me and share info back/forth.  We've been mostly no contact for maybe 4-5 months now?

[Gutt3rSnipe]

• You never loved me.
• You always hated my family.
• You never understood me.

The worst, by far, was, "I associate our sex life with being raped.  I never said no to you so you couldn't rape me."  She was raped maybe 6 months before we started dating, and was sexually aggressive with me to overcome that, I guess?  The thing is, the guy who raped her was a boyfriend at the time that she bragged about having wild sex...at the beach, in cars, etc.  This always confused me- how can you be a victim of rape, yet tell me about great sex with the guy too?  I was too young and dumb to realize that this was deeply disturbing.

Now, because she never said no in 26 years, she associates me with her being raped as well, and that's the last real conversation we had.  There's nothing I can do about that until she gets in therapy...which she says she doesn't need.

Yes, although hers was a favorite person instead of a romantic interest.  A handicapped individual she cares for.  She may have slept with that person's father or have a relationship with him- not sure.  The other favorite person is our married daughter with our 6 month old grandson; she controls them so I can't have that relationship.

Mostly calm, but explosive rage anytime I said anything that challenged her belief system.  For instance, if I said that I've always loved her and put her first, she'd start screaming...even if we were in a public place (last incident was about 3 months ago in an Olive Garden- the rape conversation).  Otherwise, she remains super calm and tries to be kind.

A combination of ghosting and cyber-stalking, while relying on our adult kids to keep tabs on me and share info back/forth.  We've been mostly no contact for maybe 4-5 months now?

Wow pook, that’s terrible she said that about you man. That’s a step beyond low. I don’t understand how they can say some of the pure hateful things they say to the people who take/took care of them and love them. Maybe a projection of their own inner hate..? Idk.

[Pook075]

Wow she even said you emotionally neglected her cat.. Talk about a reach to be mad at someone.
. Mine said things like

“And you wonder why I don’t want you as  mine anymore”.

“My feelings for you changed and it’s all your fault”.

You played with and disregarded my feelings, and I take that s**t very seriously”.

 “You’re a f**king a**hole”.

“You’re so immature, you’d think I was the thirty year old and you were the 23 year old”

“You’re too clingy, that’s why I can’t be with you. Don’t worry, a lot of girls like clingy guys”

Or my personal favorite, Ascribing so many of the things I’d say  to annoy her to something her ex fiancé would say. She’d always compare me to him. The guy she ended up discarding me for…. The funny thing is, she would tell me how she literally hated him and how she wishes I was the father of her kids instead. It’s amazing how they can’t see the hypocrisy of the things they say in hindsight.

I'm so sorry man, that's terrible.  But they 100% believe what they're saying since that's how they feel in the moment.  My wife did say a few things just to hurt me, but mostly it was just her feelings overflowing and out of control.  It's sad really.

With my BPD kid, oh my gosh.  She would literally say the meanest, most hateful thing she could think of when she was dis-regulated.  For instance, I kept boundaries and a house rule was always, "If you want to go spend time with friends this weekend (or family, whatever), your room has to be clean before you leave."  And my younger kid, she'd clean her room every Thursday so she was always good to go. 

But my daughter w/ BPD refused out of principle and would go so overboard to punish us for punishing her.  She'd tell my wife, "I'm going to kill myself after you go to sleep so you'll know in the morning how much you've hurt me.  I hope you suffer the rest of your life knowing what a horrible mother you've been."  I mean, some truly evil stuff just to make my wife cry and give into her demands. 

I never walked on eggshells with my daughter, so she'd quickly give up on me and attack my wife instead.  However, I always walked on eggshells with my wife because I had no clue she was also BPD, just the quiet type.  Her and I both went thru 10+ years of constant abuse, which is ultimately why the marriage failed...every day was about what our BPD kid would do next, what emergency would come up, what crisis we'd face.

If my life was a book, my wife having BPD was a plot twist I would never see coming in a million years.  But our focus was always on the BPD kid, not each other, and it got to the point where my wife just couldn't see how much I loved her anymore.  It stinks, but that's part of life and I am finally happy moving on.  The irony is that I now get along great with my BPD daughter, we were able to bond and forgive almost exactly when my wife was finally out of the picture.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

I'm so sorry man, that's terrible.  But they 100% believe what they're saying since that's how they feel in the moment.  My wife did say a few things just to hurt me, but mostly it was just her feelings overflowing and out of control.  It's sad really.

With my BPD kid, oh my gosh.  She would literally say the meanest, most hateful thing she could think of when she was dis-regulated.  For instance, I kept boundaries and a house rule was always, "If you want to go spend time with friends this weekend (or family, whatever), your room has to be clean before you leave."  And my younger kid, she'd clean her room every Thursday so she was always good to go. 

But my daughter w/ BPD refused out of principle and would go so overboard to punish us for punishing her.  She'd tell my wife, "I'm going to kill myself after you go to sleep so you'll know in the morning how much you've hurt me.  I hope you suffer the rest of your life knowing what a horrible mother you've been."  I mean, some truly evil stuff just to make my wife cry and give into her demands. 

I never walked on eggshells with my daughter, so she'd quickly give up on me and attack my wife instead.  However, I always walked on eggshells with my wife because I had no clue she was also BPD, just the quiet type.  Her and I both went thru 10+ years of constant abuse, which is ultimately why the marriage failed...every day was about what our BPD kid would do next, what emergency would come up, what crisis we'd face.

If my life was a book, my wife having BPD was a plot twist I would never see coming in a million years.  But our focus was always on the BPD kid, not each other, and it got to the point where my wife just couldn't see how much I loved her anymore.  It stinks, but that's part of life and I am finally happy moving on.  The irony is that I now get along great with my BPD daughter, we were able to bond and forgive almost exactly when my wife was finally out of the picture.

Oh I didn’t realize your daughter was the first to receive a the diagnosis before your wife. That’s like something straight out of a movie. All this time you two were helping your daughter just to find out the mother has the same disorder. How you put up with so much abuse over that 10+ year period should definitely qualify you for sainthood haha. Don’t know how you managed that.

That’s great you reconciled with your daughter though pook! Has she been receiving therapy for her disorder for a while?

[Pook075]

Oh I didn’t realize your daughter was the first to receive a the diagnosis before your wife. That’s like something straight out of a movie. All this time you two were helping your daughter just to find out the mother has the same disorder. How you put up with so much abuse over that 10+ year period should definitely qualify you for sainthood haha. Don’t know how you managed that.

That’s great you reconciled with your daughter though pook! Has she been receiving therapy for her disorder for a while?

My kid has been in some sort of therapy for about 12 years now, well before her diagnosis (they won't diagnose you before 18 anyway, my kid is only 24).  We knew very early on though that something was way off...maybe as early as 7 or 8 years old.
 She got serious about changing her life maybe a year and a half ago and made really great strides in a fairly short period of time with her current therapist. 

As I've said in other posts, nothing can change until the pwBPD wants to turn their life around.  My kid was finally ready and I am super proud of her.  I see how terrifying her life is at times, how the smallest things can overwhelm her if she doesn't catch herself, and that's why I have so much sympathy for anyone w/ PBD.  It's like they're constantly suffering and punishing themselves.

[Morten]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

 Did they tell you about your replacement?

Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?

Or was ghosting their method?

"Im allergic to your personality"

"You oppress me, when trying to talk about what happened"

"You are weak and thus less of a man"

"I was in a relationship with you because I was depressed"

"You're perception about your conflict with your ex-wife, shows you are not in contact with reality" - I did document the threats I received from my ex-wife, regarding my relationship with my daughter, to my BPD ex. She ignored them completely

When I was on my knees and clearly in a crisis, I asked for some kind words, this was a month before the breakup, her reply was "then do better"

"There are a lot of things I dont like about you" - then listing these 20+ things

"You are too fat for me"

"Your daughter is my enemy"

"You cant cope with life"

Those are just a few I remember on top of my head. Sometimes going through our messages I find some I have forgotten about.

[BigEasyHeart]

@Morten,

Wow, some of those things just made me gasp. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I realize it can take a lot of hard work to rebuild self-worth after being told things like this for a long time. One of the surprising things to me is that we often don't realize how harmful these kinds of things are until we are out of the dynamic. Thanks for sharing.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

"Im allergic to your personality"

"You oppress me, when trying to talk about what happened"

"You are weak and thus less of a man"

"I was in a relationship with you because I was depressed"

"You're perception about your conflict with your ex-wife, shows you are not in contact with reality" - I did document the threats I received from my ex-wife, regarding my relationship with my daughter, to my BPD ex. She ignored them completely

When I was on my knees and clearly in a crisis, I asked for some kind words, this was a month before the breakup, her reply was "then do better"

"There are a lot of things I dont like about you" - then listing these 20+ things

"You are too fat for me"

"Your daughter is my enemy"

"You cant cope with life"

Those are just a few I remember on top of my head. Sometimes going through our messages I find some I have forgotten about.

Sorry you had to endure all that, that’s just awful. I can’t believe she couldn’t give you one kind word even on your knees and in crisis. That’s just cruel as hell man. My ex is no where near on that level of nastiness. She would curse and scream at me but the personal insults weren’t frequent.Then again, I only dated her for 5 or so months and didn’t live with her so who knows what she is capable of saying.

Thanks for sharing. Has your ex tried contacting you or are you NC?

[Turkish]

I felt like I was pulling teeth to get her to come to pick out paints to paint the house. Yet she told me later, "I felt like you cared more about painting the house than about me!" Silly me, that's what mature couples do? I knew it was over when she told me, "you abandoned me! It felt just like my father!"

Then I looked at myself and our whole dynamic despite 2 kids and realized that she was right. That was our dynamic. And I played my part given my own FOO.

[Morten]

Sorry you had to endure all that, that’s just awful. I can’t believe she couldn’t give you one kind word even on your knees and in crisis. That’s just cruel as hell man. My ex is no where near on that level of nastiness. She would curse and scream at me but the personal insults weren’t frequent.Then again, I only dated her for 5 or so months and didn’t live with her so who knows what she is capable of saying.

Thanks for sharing. Has your ex tried contacting you or are you NC?

Thanks. It was pretty Damn hard hearing your girlfriend for 4 years saying that. It was. We are NC but only Yesterday I noticed she has unblocked me on FB. Some posts  she tagged me in was All of a sudden visible again. She blocked me on FB, when I told her I didnt want anything from her anymore.

[Morten]

@Morten,

Wow, some of those things just made me gasp. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I realize it can take a lot of hard work to rebuild self-worth after being told things like this for a long time. One of the surprising things to me is that we often don't realize how harmful these kinds of things are until we are out of the dynamic. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks. She said most of these things just before, during and just after the breakup, so it was like a river of abuse coming towards me in that period. At the exact same time I was in “war” with my ex-wife, who attacked me on my relationship with my daughter. My daughter developed anxiety because of this, and have only recently found out, that dad is to be trusted and his house is  a safe place for her. On top of this, my dad is slowly dying from Parkinsons, so its been a pretty tough year for me in 2022

[Manic Miner]

* you are mean
* you humiliate, mistreat and belittle me
* you don't listen to what I say
* you are pushing your own thoughts and thinking
* you destroyed the childhood of our daughter
* you don't support me nor have any respect for me
* you are like your own father
* you don't love me

- Did you say we can still be together?


Funny how everything, literally everything she said about me is 100% projection. She rarely, if ever, gives what she demands from me. There's never a true reciprocity at this phase. Only when she feels something is right, she will do it. If she feels. It's always about her and her own feelings, not others.

[Pook075]

Thanks. She said most of these things just before, during and just after the breakup, so it was like a river of abuse coming towards me in that period. At the exact same time I was in “war” with my ex-wife, who attacked me on my relationship with my daughter. My daughter developed anxiety because of this, and have only recently found out, that dad is to be trusted and his house is  a safe place for her. On top of this, my dad is slowly dying from Parkinsons, so its been a pretty tough year for me in 2022

So sorry man.  I lost my dad about 18 months ago and that alone is super tough.  With the breakup on top of it...I can relate and it's super tough.  Hopefully you're able to be there for your daughter though and build up that relationship.

[Morten]

So sorry man.  I lost my dad about 18 months ago and that alone is super tough.  With the breakup on top of it...I can relate and it's super tough.  Hopefully you're able to be there for your daughter though and build up that relationship.

I'm very sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences. For me the long run up, has actually been a gift in a way. We have had some "life" talks, on our relationship, his life and his fathers life, and we have talked a lot about his condition and where it will end, so we are prepared in that sense. of course it wont be fun when he goes, but less painful I think.

My daughter is getting better too, but she chanelling a lot of her sense of loss into bodily anxiety. She is 11, and very afraid of dying from cancer. But thats not the real issue, the real issue is that she was afraid to lose me, and that she sort of lost contact to the son of my BPD ex, who she considered her brother. She also changed school this year, and even though she is doing great both socially and in terms of learning, it has been difficult for her. Luckily she has a teacher close to her, who has dealt with anxiety among his own children, so he follows her closely.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

Remembered some other things she said to me during devaluation/discard.

*since we’re done for good use this time to go get with those b***he’s at the gym*
(Since the start she always was worried and asking about other girls at the gym I go to)

*You’re not doing enough in life with the silver spoon you’ve been given. You take it all for granted*
(This was said during one of her rages when I called her. I was shocked because this all came from nowhere)

*You treat your parents badly and take them for granted also., I would’ve killed to have parents that cared like yours.
(Said during the same rage as the one above)

*You’re so immature, look at your room, it looks like my kids room and they’re f**king 2 and 3 years old*
(Sigh)

*I lost all my feelings for you, I admit it was fun while it lasted but you’re just too clingy. I told you I didn’t like that and you continued to do it*
(I asked her three separate times way spaced apart about her and her ex. She constantly gave me reasons to question their relationship so I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to play the fool if she was still interested in him like she hinted she was sometimes)

*I’ve never met any guy that had as many red flags as you*
(No idea why she said this as I was “perfect in her eyes” up until my missed date that started this whole devaluation spiral. I think maybe she meant red flags that told her I would eventually leave her triggering her abandonment fear? Idk?)

There’s many more I’m sure I’m forgetting but she was pretty brutal sometimes.

[jaded7]

* you are mean
* you humiliate, mistreat and belittle me
* you don't listen to what I say
* you are pushing your own thoughts and thinking
* you destroyed the childhood of our daughter
* you don't support me nor have any respect for me
* you are like your own father
* you don't love me


Funny how everything, literally everything she said about me is 100% projection. She rarely, if ever, gives what she demands from me. There's never a true reciprocity at this phase. Only when she feels something is right, she will do it. If she feels. It's always about her and her own feelings, not others.

Very similar list here

"you don't show up for me"

showed up to every single thing she ever asked me to, very often going to great lengths to get covered at my business, paying employees extra to come in.

She never once came to a thing/event I asked her to: come to a class at my business? NO come to a reception after one of my bi-monthly events at my business? NO come to a party at my place to meet friends and clients? NO ("why would I want to be around those people?") go to a new brewpub with me? NO ("you know I don't like brewpubs, get one of your friends to go") come to my hometown with me and see where I grew up? NO ("why would I want to go there, you haven't made it seem very fun") come to a record store with me? NO ("that's your thing") go on a bike ride with me? NO ("you'll just go way ahead and leave me") come to a business event in CA and stay in a historic beachside hotel with me? NO ("I don't want to sit around while your in meetings all day")...and on and on

You don't listen to what I say, when you say that it makes me feel like you don't listen to me.

Because I asked her what time her sister and niece were flying in so I could pick them up at the airport. "I've told you you're a shi**y driver and I'm never riding with you again, and neither are my friends and family!"

You are cruel and punishing.

Because I was shell-shocked after a night of yelling at me, putting me down, belittling, mocking until 3am and I didn't respond immediately to a text and took a day or so. Meanwhile, she'd go days and a week without responding to texts or calls, then explode at me when I asked why she wasn't responding ("you need help! you're controlling! I gave you an itinerary for the weekend! (nope, you didn't. you said you and your son were going to the market Saturday morning at 8am early because he had a lot of homework. That's not an itinerary for the weekend, and you have called and texted a lot when he had weekends really busy with his school projects and reports, sent me photos, called when you were walking the dog, etc.-----gaslighting)

You see all the projection here?

[cranmango]

It's taken me *months* post break-up to realize that many of the most hurtful things my ex ever said were actually projection.

[jaded7]

It's taken me *months* post break-up to realize that many of the most hurtful things my ex ever said were actually projection.

I think this is a big part of our healing, recognizing the projections. It's very hard to do, especially is you entered the relationship believing that 'love' means something, that people are honest in their interactions with you, that someone who loves you would not hurt you on purpose or gaslight you. I don't know about you all, but when she said these things (and many more) I just assumed they were the truth and there was something wrong with me for doing them, not recognizing that I'm doing them.

I'm SO glad that at least at a few points in the relationship I tried to set boundaries and call out the gaslighting and projection. At least I KNOW I said these things, and I said them in a way that loving and connecting, non accusatory.

You seem to have stories in your head about me that aren't true, and you react to those stories.

You seem to need to 'win' when we have a disagreement, and I want you to know that isn't my goal. I just want to be seen and heard.

You yell at me and accuse me of things you actually do. It's very confusing. ("LIKE WHAT?...).   I proceed to calmly point out some instances where she is doing the exact thing she accuses me of- not keeping commitments and canceling at the last minute, not doing what we put on the calendar together, not prioritizing our relationship, calling/texting on the spur of the moment to do something ("when you don't plan something for us to do, I make other plans"), putting "zero effort and planning into my birthday" (she completely forgot my birthday and did nothing for it, I had to remind her on the phone it was my birthday- five weeks later I took off several days to go camping with her on her birthday, brought along a nice little gift I thought she would like and a card with a heartfelt love note on it, slipped on to the picnic table while she was still asleep so she'd be surprised and she said "shi**y chocolate you bought me, stupid card..you gave me the shi**iest birthday ever!")...5 weeks earlier she completely forgot my birthday WHILE I was taking care of her dog for free for 3 weeks, bought it $30 bag of food, and she was traveling out of country and she told me "I looked up my ex boyfriend, he's going to be .25 miles from where were staying, maybe I'll go visit him".

She did not take kindly to the examples of her doing the things she accused me of. Negated them all, diverted, and blamed me...angrily.

We never spoke again.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

I think this is a big part of our healing, recognizing the projections. It's very hard to do, especially is you entered the relationship believing that 'love' means something, that people are honest in their interactions with you, that someone who loves you would not hurt you on purpose or gaslight you. I don't know about you all, but when she said these things (and many more) I just assumed they were the truth and there was something wrong with me for doing them, not recognizing that I'm doing them.

I'm SO glad that at least at a few points in the relationship I tried to set boundaries and call out the gaslighting and projection. At least I KNOW I said these things, and I said them in a way that loving and connecting, non accusatory.

You seem to have stories in your head about me that aren't true, and you react to those stories.

You seem to need to 'win' when we have a disagreement, and I want you to know that isn't my goal. I just want to be seen and heard.

You yell at me and accuse me of things you actually do. It's very confusing. ("LIKE WHAT?...).   I proceed to calmly point out some instances where she is doing the exact thing she accuses me of- not keeping commitments and canceling at the last minute, not doing what we put on the calendar together, not prioritizing our relationship, calling/texting on the spur of the moment to do something ("when you don't plan something for us to do, I make other plans"), putting "zero effort and planning into my birthday" (she completely forgot my birthday and did nothing for it, I had to remind her on the phone it was my birthday- five weeks later I took off several days to go camping with her on her birthday, brought along a nice little gift I thought she would like and a card with a heartfelt love note on it, slipped on to the picnic table while she was still asleep so she'd be surprised and she said "shi**y chocolate you bought me, stupid card..you gave me the shi**iest birthday ever!")...5 weeks earlier she completely forgot my birthday WHILE I was taking care of her dog for free for 3 weeks, bought it $30 bag of food, and she was traveling out of country and she told me "I looked up my ex boyfriend, he's going to be .25 miles from where were staying, maybe I'll go visit him".

She did not take kindly to the examples of her doing the things she accused me of. Negated them all, diverted, and blamed me...angrily.

We never spoke again.

She sounds so ungrateful & childish with some of the things she said to you. It’s amazing how little self awareness so many of them seem to possess. Mine would get furious at me for saying basically anything about other girls, yet she would talk about other guys and her ex whenever she wanted and expected no push back.

[Morten]

I think this is a big part of our healing, recognizing the projections. It's very hard to do, especially is you entered the relationship believing that 'love' means something, that people are honest in their interactions with you, that someone who loves you would not hurt you on purpose or gaslight you. I don't know about you all, but when she said these things (and many more) I just assumed they were the truth and there was something wrong with me for doing them, not recognizing that I'm doing them.

I'm SO glad that at least at a few points in the relationship I tried to set boundaries and call out the gaslighting and projection. At least I KNOW I said these things, and I said them in a way that loving and connecting, non accusatory.

You seem to have stories in your head about me that aren't true, and you react to those stories.

You seem to need to 'win' when we have a disagreement, and I want you to know that isn't my goal. I just want to be seen and heard.

You yell at me and accuse me of things you actually do. It's very confusing. ("LIKE WHAT?...).   I proceed to calmly point out some instances where she is doing the exact thing she accuses me of- not keeping commitments and canceling at the last minute, not doing what we put on the calendar together, not prioritizing our relationship, calling/texting on the spur of the moment to do something ("when you don't plan something for us to do, I make other plans"), putting "zero effort and planning into my birthday" (she completely forgot my birthday and did nothing for it, I had to remind her on the phone it was my birthday- five weeks later I took off several days to go camping with her on her birthday, brought along a nice little gift I thought she would like and a card with a heartfelt love note on it, slipped on to the picnic table while she was still asleep so she'd be surprised and she said "shi**y chocolate you bought me, stupid card..you gave me the shi**iest birthday ever!")...5 weeks earlier she completely forgot my birthday WHILE I was taking care of her dog for free for 3 weeks, bought it $30 bag of food, and she was traveling out of country and she told me "I looked up my ex boyfriend, he's going to be .25 miles from where were staying, maybe I'll go visit him".

She did not take kindly to the examples of her doing the things she accused me of. Negated them all, diverted, and blamed me...angrily.

We never spoke again.

I did something similar. It only worked as long as I was on top of the relationship though. I did point out incoherences in her Way of behaving, looking at herself and looking at me, also in a calm manor. At the end of the relationship all of this seemed to have magically vanished from her mind, and everything that ever went wrong between us was my fault. Luckily I hadnt deleted one single message she ever sent to me (and I havent still, since I am using Them for a book I am writing now) and confronted with s message she sent me about my daughter being her enemy, she said that it was perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.
My daughter is 11 and insecure, and like all other children, she does have her breakdowns, But other than that she is a normal and sweet girl.

[Manic Miner]

@jaded7

It's like you were writing about twin-sister of my W!
People write all kinds of examples and experiences, but yours is just strikingly similar to mine. Probably are similar type.

The only difference is, mine is slightly more compassionate and grateful. She would never say 'sh*tty present' and she'd be genuinely surprised and moved by the gifts from me. She always was.
But, on the other hand, it makes this even more sad. Because none of those gifts, surprises or special occasions made her realize that we had something deeper and that those accusations 'you don't love me/etc/etc' and dubious questions are totally out of place.
Some of her "you never support my activities and my well-being" are also out of question and plain lies which she believes in.

No amount of my support could neutralize her own suspicions. If I said something 'bad' about her sporting activities, by no means in a hurtful way (e.g. you are prioritizing your sports like you are on your own and we have little time for us), she'd remember it for good and always use it for future citations. It will only fade away when something new comes up (bad one, of course).
It doesn't matter how much I previously supported her sport activities, followed her on the marathons, bought her new pair of sneakers, rain coats, jackets, smart bands etc. - it all falls short. I simply don't support, even hate her activities.
Like in your case, I have asked her to go with me on a SUP board so many times, she very rarely accepted and I've heard all kinds of excuses (''you know I don't like it'', ''I'm really glad you enjoy it and I support you, why don't you go with your friends'', "I will do my stuff, we can meet afterwards").

Since we are at divorce, the last thing she said to me over the phone was ''I suffered and endured a lot and you know it. It will always be the way it is for mothers like me. I need a huge amount of hugs, loving and support. You don't need to support me financially, I have my own job, but you need to provide me the other things I just said".

Well, to that I think she was honest - what she said she really does mean. The problem is, "huge amounts of hugs, loving and support" means endless, uncompromising and unconditional, while at the same time I will receive very little and will have to endure all silent treatments, anger and splitting episodes. And maybe, just maybe, if the times get better, she will think about to open up and be more giving and caring, like she used to be long time ago.

[jaded7]

I did something similar. It only worked as long as I was on top of the relationship though. I did point out incoherences in her Way of behaving, looking at herself and looking at me, also in a calm manor. At the end of the relationship all of this seemed to have magically vanished from her mind, and everything that ever went wrong between us was my fault. Luckily I hadnt deleted one single message she ever sent to me (and I havent still, since I am using Them for a book I am writing now) and confronted with s message she sent me about my daughter being her enemy, she said that it was perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.
My daughter is 11 and insecure, and like all other children, she does have her breakdowns, But other than that she is a normal and sweet girl.

Isn't it funny/strange how their behavior occupies our minds so fully that we want to write books, do videos, etc? It's absolutely part of the problem, and it's due to cognitive dissonance---trying to hold two conflicting separate realities in our head at the same time.

[jaded7]

@jaded7

It's like you were writing about twin-sister of my W!
People write all kinds of examples and experiences, but yours is just strikingly similar to mine. Probably are similar type.

The only difference is, mine is slightly more compassionate and grateful. She would never say 'sh*tty present' and she'd be genuinely surprised and moved by the gifts from me. She always was.
But, on the other hand, it makes this even more sad. Because none of those gifts, surprises or special occasions made her realize that we had something deeper and that those accusations 'you don't love me/etc/etc' and dubious questions are totally out of place.
Some of her "you never support my activities and my well-being" are also out of question and plain lies which she believes in.

No amount of my support could neutralize her own suspicions. If I said something 'bad' about her sporting activities, by no means in a hurtful way (e.g. you are prioritizing your sports like you are on your own and we have little time for us), she'd remember it for good and always use it for future citations. It will only fade away when something new comes up (bad one, of course).
It doesn't matter how much I previously supported her sport activities, followed her on the marathons, bought her new pair of sneakers, rain coats, jackets, smart bands etc. - it all falls short. I simply don't support, even hate her activities.
Like in your case, I have asked her to go with me on a SUP board so many times, she very rarely accepted and I've heard all kinds of excuses (''you know I don't like it'', ''I'm really glad you enjoy it and I support you, why don't you go with your friends'', "I will do my stuff, we can meet afterwards").

Since we are at divorce, the last thing she said to me over the phone was ''I suffered and endured a lot and you know it. It will always be the way it is for mothers like me. I need a huge amount of hugs, loving and support. You don't need to support me financially, I have my own job, but you need to provide me the other things I just said".

Well, to that I think she was honest - what she said she really does mean. The problem is, "huge amounts of hugs, loving and support" means endless, uncompromising and unconditional, while at the same time I will receive very little and will have to endure all silent treatments, anger and splitting episodes. And maybe, just maybe, if the times get better, she will think about to open up and be more giving and caring, like she used to be long time ago.

Read my earliest threads to see more validation for you! I was very, very raw in those early days. Massively confused, hugely traumatized from the vicious and angry yelling and putdowns and belittling from someone I loved so much.  

Hurt so deeply by her going into evasive/avoidance mode- not answering the phone, not responding to texts, not calling me, not texting me- for a week or two, treating me horribly at her son's show with her family present, then ditching me a few days later- literally leaving town without saying a word to me- to go spend Christmas with her family.

At the show her Mom asked me when I was coming up for Christmas (her family loved me, I loved them) and I had to say "I don't know? She mentioned something a few weeks ago (she said I'm thinking of inviting you up for Christmas. THINKING of it. After 2 years!) but I have heard anything since." Her Mom said just come up Wednesday morning we can't wait to have you... and I must have looked frightened, and I said "Oh no, I can't do that...she's the boss"

Her Mom shook her head and rolled her eyes. That was a clue.

[Morten]

Isn't it funny/strange how their behavior occupies our minds so fully that we want to write books, do videos, etc? It's absolutely part of the problem, and it's due to cognitive dissonance---trying to hold two conflicting separate realities in our head at the same time.

It is quite shocking to say the least, that it Can have a so profound effect. Writing has been my best therapy though. Its like a valve for me. And gives me a sense of self worth. So yeah I started writing to get out of the mess I was in.

[Manic Miner]

Isn't it funny/strange how their behavior occupies our minds so fully that we want to write books, do videos, etc? It's absolutely part of the problem, and it's due to cognitive dissonance---trying to hold two conflicting separate realities in our head at the same time.

Most definitely. I think out of all time, I'm thinking about her and our relationship probably 70:30 compared to my own life. Or 60:40 at best.

Because, to me, I seem to be in-sync with myself and don't find usual daily stuff to hold any value for my time. I just get going and do stuff. I know what I like and dislike. But when I have a 'hidden' problem with anything I tend to be obsessed until I get it fixed. The problem is, there is no "fixing" a pwBPD.

Being very logical and willing to help (caretaker role), combined with BPDs neediness and all the drama, they do occupy most of my thinking time.

[awildfisk]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?

 Did they tell you about your replacement?

Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?

Or was ghosting their method?

Been 3 months since I broke up with my LDR ex w/ bpd of 3-4 years. She recently got together with someone in the first 2 months, has gone as far as to make things "Facebook" official, something she refrained and even detested from doing with us despite it being long term. Would never share anything about us on social media, again detested from sharing anything outside of her family circle about us.

Of course she's now needlessly posting pictures of her new boyfriend, smothering posts w/ captions of love hearts on social media sites she's never used to post anything personal before. I can tell it's an outright dig and a ploy to get me angry and jealous. Blocking her and going NC has been the best thing I've done for myself in the past week.

One thing that was paramount prior to our break up (we spent Christmas together) was the consistent mentioning of breaking up. Every time I did something she didn't like the frightful threat of "Maybe we should break up then". Eventually I snapped and agreed.

To say the relationship has been nothing but a toxic, unhealthy mess from the initial first 6 months is a modest understatement. A lot of breaking up, manipulation, silent treatment and even at times when I felt so stressed suicidal thoughts came to mind - to which she just outright said "Do it then if you're so serious"... yeah, I cannot put into words the mental trauma I've undertook with such a rollercoaster of a ride. I was no angel, I admit my faults, but I just can't help but think she instigated or provoked a lot of unnecessary drama from her insecurities and abandonment issues. Too many times where I'd attempt to try and remain calm and speak logically over a disagreement, only for her to scream "You don't care about my feelings or about me!" time and time again, turning the conversation away from the premise of understanding how she felt and more about how I was terrible for not outright submitting and codling to her wishes, despite my need to talk it through.

I was told by her that my new relationship (whenever that'd be) would outright "not work out" in a cold and blunt manner. She was heavily into astrology and tarot cards and she said she "saw it" in the cards. I'd contest her why she'd say something like this, she simply shrugged and went "I don't know, I just know it won't work out". Imagine saying that to someone, let alone someone you supposedly claim you care about?

Other comments such as "You're going to have a lonely life without me," or brag about how she's matched with so many people on Tinder and going on so many dates a week post-break up were awfully too common. I'd simply smile to the best of my ability, ask her why she's telling me this information, her common recipient being one of a shrug. I later told her she needed to stop telling me this information. Again, bragging to your recent ex of how you're apparently moving on doesn't seem all that right, especially since I didn't ask to begin with.

One thing that I've now ceased to do is outright look at her social media profiles. RESIST against it with every fibre of your being otherwise it will reset you back to step 1. If she is truly happy then I am glad for her, but again I feel her abandonment issues play a major part - one thing she cannot stand is being alone, even if it's for a matter of a few hours from someone. I could never quite imagine why or how people that have been in a relationship of many years can move on so freely as if they had already concluded their thoughts and feelings several months in advance. But then again, that's probably what they've done.

I am still learning, I am still healing, and I will get there in due time. The initial feeling of being discarded despite the supposedly strong bond we had still very much lingers and hurts. But that is what I have to deal with in the recess of the break-up; one of us has moved on, met someone new and is now investing all of their love and attention into that person whilst on the other hand I'm still running the turtle/hare race, slowly making my way to the finish line.

I sometimes like to ask myself whether I'm doing everything correctly here, or I should jump gun and get myself into a relationship or meet someone I'm not entirely ready for just to subdue my mind a little.

[OKrunch]

What are some of things your ex told you during your devaluation/ discard?
"You only wanted to be with me to use me for a place to live, and someone to take care of your kid"
"You're abusive" (She hit me)
"You just settled for me"
"I only ever stayed because I thought It was the "type of love" I deserved"
"I hate you, youre a leech to me"
"Eat Sh*t and die"

 Did they tell you about your replacement?
Replacement #1 - Yes, brazenly
Replacement #2 - No, she hid this guy, and I had to ask if she was seeing anyone, to which she lied for weeks about it

Did they display anger, or were they calm (or kind) during the process ?
Several bouts of seething, raging, frothing anger.
Ive been hit, had things thrown at me, and ive gotten out of the car in traffic on a 95 degree day and walked several miles home, rather than stay ina car with her

Or was ghosting their method?
She does this too, that is currently where I am at.
She rages, then ghosts for 6-8 weeks, then comes back for a temp check.
Im expecting a temp check sometime Mid to late April.