Things I don't miss

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, my last thread was incredibly helpful.  I've taken notes, read it a few times, and love the feedback.  I decided to start a new thread of "Things I don't miss."  These are a few of the things I don't miss about our relationship that I've been focusing on remembering.  Please add your own experiences - I'm sure they will overlap or help.

Things I don’t miss


I actually thought she was playing games with me sometimes.  Because her interpretation of what happened was so far outside of reality I thought she was intentionally making things up and saying them to me to mess with my head.

I was trying to convince her of her flawed logic.  What I didn’t realize or understand is that I was arguing with a perception based on irrational fears in her mind.  There was literally nothing I could say that would change those and whatever I was saying had little chance of competing with the grandiose stories in her head.

The endless 3 day fights over literally nothing.  She would say things passively aggressive to me daily.  Occasionally I would get annoyed and answer back.  One time; we were on our way to work out and she had been asking me for months to go to hot yoga with her.  I had told her in 10 different ways I didn’t want to.  So, we’re on our way there; she asks again; and I respond a different way that maybe she’ll get.  I tell her I don’t know the moves.  She answers harshly and condescend “They’ll teach you.”  And I respond “I told you I’m not interested.”  3 days of fighting over this.  She said I was rude; she was just looking out for my health; just on and on.  Mind you; I’m healthy and in excellent shape for my age.  And of course - the laundry list of wrongs comes out 100 times during that fight.  Which, that one, specifically, was right in the middle of height of her lying and cheating.  She had already been with probably two dozen men and had a boyfriend.  She was already pushing me out of her life.  And I'm hearing about the tone in my voice for three days and those three dates.

She actually said to me; as we were trying to work things out and going into a store “I know that some of this might be hard for you as well.”  As if the two things were not only not equal, but that my 3 dates outweighed the million things she did, had done, and was and was still doing over the last 18 months.  That was her way of empathizing.  

In the middle of the last three months; she said I should date other people.  So, I told her when I signed up for dating apps.  I told her that I made dates.  She started asking questions.  And then the accusations started again.  That I had been seeing these people all along.  I had always been dating and cheating on her.  She even had me cancel dates.  But then still accused me of cheating, constantly.  

I’m not pumped to be starting life over again; but I’m excited that my prospects of finding someone who’s nicer to me are about 98%.  Pretty much anyone, barring a small percentage, will likely be kinder and easier to deal with.

A few weeks ago she had spent hours talking to me convincing me she knew she had problems, that I was her savior, that she couldn’t imagine life without me.  And days and days convincing me that she had broken it off with her boyfriend for good.  48 hours later he was at her house.

I’m finally able to have conversations again with my friends.  I felt like I couldn’t for the longest time.  I was stuck in this never ending loop of unhappiness that I was desperately trying to get out of.  I didn’t feel like having conversations because what was I going to say?  Work was great but that was about it.  

I don’t miss the endless list of grievances.  From when we met until almost a decade later - there would a list of things that she would berate me for.  I heard about them every single time we fought for close to a decade.  It was just endless.  I started saying that I had to be put on parole - I’d served my sentence.  Even prisoners were eventually released.  But that’s what it felt like - just an accumulation of wrongs.  I get why the average relationship only lasts a few years - because it just builds until you can’t take it anymore.

I just got so enmeshed in trying to help her with her issues as well.  It was all we basically talked about for a long time.  I was reading endlessly, looking for clues and keys to helping.  Offering to help with absolutely anything.  Do her chores for her, errands, give her more time back in her day by paying for a housekeeper, buying medicine for her, driving her around to spend time with her.  I can’t believe how much effort I was making.  And the entire time she was doing all this stuff, plotting against me, and then in the end it didn’t even matter.  In the end, all I heard about was the laundry list of wrongs during the entire relationship.  And that I held these favors and gifts over her head.  

And most of all, this is the thing I am the very happiest about, is not having to wait for the next outburst.  Whether it will be days or weeks later.  And then we'll be in this cycle again where I'm apologizing, trying to calm her down, with no idea when it'll end, and it could be over something as little as the tone in my voice.  That's the winner.

[bstar]

So, my last thread was incredibly helpful.  I've taken notes, read it a few times, and love the feedback.  I decided to start a new thread of "Things I don't miss."  These are a few of the things I don't miss about our relationship that I've been focusing on remembering.  Please add your own experiences - I'm sure they will overlap or help.

Things I don’t miss


I actually thought she was playing games with me sometimes.  Because her interpretation of what happened was so far outside of reality I thought she was intentionally making things up and saying them to me to mess with my head.

I was trying to convince her of her flawed logic.  What I didn’t realize or understand is that I was arguing with a perception based on irrational fears in her mind.  There was literally nothing I could say that would change those and whatever I was saying had little chance of competing with the grandiose stories in her head.

The endless 3 day fights over literally nothing.  She would say things passively aggressive to me daily.  Occasionally I would get annoyed and answer back.  One time; we were on our way to work out and she had been asking me for months to go to hot yoga with her.  I had told her in 10 different ways I didn’t want to.  So, we’re on our way there; she asks again; and I respond a different way that maybe she’ll get.  I tell her I don’t know the moves.  She answers harshly and condescend “They’ll teach you.”  And I respond “I told you I’m not interested.”  3 days of fighting over this.  She said I was rude; she was just looking out for my health; just on and on.  Mind you; I’m healthy and in excellent shape for my age.  And of course - the laundry list of wrongs comes out 100 times during that fight.  Which, that one, specifically, was right in the middle of height of her lying and cheating.  She had already been with probably two dozen men and had a boyfriend.  She was already pushing me out of her life.  And I'm hearing about the tone in my voice for three days and those three dates.

She actually said to me; as we were trying to work things out and going into a store “I know that some of this might be hard for you as well.”  As if the two things were not only not equal, but that my 3 dates outweighed the million things she did, had done, and was and was still doing over the last 18 months.  That was her way of empathizing.  

In the middle of the last three months; she said I should date other people.  So, I told her when I signed up for dating apps.  I told her that I made dates.  She started asking questions.  And then the accusations started again.  That I had been seeing these people all along.  I had always been dating and cheating on her.  She even had me cancel dates.  But then still accused me of cheating, constantly.  

I’m not pumped to be starting life over again; but I’m excited that my prospects of finding someone who’s nicer to me are about 98%.  Pretty much anyone, barring a small percentage, will likely be kinder and easier to deal with.

A few weeks ago she had spent hours talking to me convincing me she knew she had problems, that I was her savior, that she couldn’t imagine life without me.  And days and days convincing me that she had broken it off with her boyfriend for good.  48 hours later he was at her house.

I’m finally able to have conversations again with my friends.  I felt like I couldn’t for the longest time.  I was stuck in this never ending loop of unhappiness that I was desperately trying to get out of.  I didn’t feel like having conversations because what was I going to say?  Work was great but that was about it.  

I don’t miss the endless list of grievances.  From when we met until almost a decade later - there would a list of things that she would berate me for.  I heard about them every single time we fought for close to a decade.  It was just endless.  I started saying that I had to be put on parole - I’d served my sentence.  Even prisoners were eventually released.  But that’s what it felt like - just an accumulation of wrongs.  I get why the average relationship only lasts a few years - because it just builds until you can’t take it anymore.

I just got so enmeshed in trying to help her with her issues as well.  It was all we basically talked about for a long time.  I was reading endlessly, looking for clues and keys to helping.  Offering to help with absolutely anything.  Do her chores for her, errands, give her more time back in her day by paying for a housekeeper, buying medicine for her, driving her around to spend time with her.  I can’t believe how much effort I was making.  And the entire time she was doing all this stuff, plotting against me, and then in the end it didn’t even matter.  In the end, all I heard about was the laundry list of wrongs during the entire relationship.  And that I held these favors and gifts over her head.  

And most of all, this is the thing I am the very happiest about, is not having to wait for the next outburst.  Whether it will be days or weeks later.  And then we'll be in this cycle again where I'm apologizing, trying to calm her down, with no idea when it'll end, and it could be over something as little as the tone in my voice.  That's the winner.

[once removed]

i think this is pretty useful for trying to detach.

im long removed from the relationship, but i still dont miss the endless smothering, clinginess, jealousy, and possessiveness, and when im reminded of them, its exhausting.

im a very introverted person. im also a very affectionate one, but man, im just a bad fit for someone that dependent.

[SinisterComplex]

i think this is pretty useful for trying to detach.

im long removed from the relationship, but i still dont miss the endless smothering, clinginess, jealousy, and possessiveness, and when im reminded of them, its exhausting.

im a very introverted person. im also a very affectionate one, but man, im just a bad fit for someone that dependent.

LOL...I have to second that. I have more introvert traits than extrovert, but I qualify probably more as a very independent/self-sufficient ambivert. I am a terrible fit for a needy and dependent person.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-