new mindset

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

However, it appears that my messages didn't send. It seems it isn't because of something on my end. 

I'm so sorry Tina, this is so very cowardly of him. A normal person would have informed you that he has decided he no longer thinks it's a good idea for the two of you to remain in contact instead of what he's doing. At least he has finally shown you his true colors and now you can finally be free of him. And it sounds like you're handling it very well, so kudos to you for that.

[Couscous]

However, it appears that my messages didn't send. It seems it isn't because of something on my end. 

I'm so sorry Tina, this is so very cowardly of him. A normal person would have informed you that he has decided he no longer thinks it's a good idea for the two of you to remain in contact instead of what he's doing. At least he has finally shown you his true colors and now you can finally be free of him. And it sounds like you're handling it very well, so kudos to you for that.

[Pook075]

Hi  ! I'm fresh from the ­´bettering a relationship´ boards. I am ready to move forward and embrace a new mindset.

Hey Tina.  I'm late to the party here but wanted to say that you're doing great overall and its inspirational to see you moving forward.  Try not to sweat the days where you miss him too much, that's pretty common since you did love him after all.  Normal people struggle cutting off contact with someone they care about, so this process can feel counter-intuitive at times. 

Just remind yourself that this isn't because of you...this happened to you and now you're healing from it.  Bad days are all part of the course.

Keep on keeping on!  You're doing great!

[tina7868]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and understanding. I truly appreciate it.  

I have been feeling fine, and even finding humour in the whole situation. It doesn't feel...serious.

If I were to interpret the situation (I could be wrong), I don't think he doesn't want to remain in contact. I'd say what likely happened was that his girlfriend was around, saw or was about to see my messages, and his choice of how to deal with the situation was to turn off his account (he didn't block me). I think I'll hear from him soon, and he'll pretend nothing happened. What does this mean for me? Absolutely nothing  . When I take a step back, what's interesting is that our interactions, albeit superficial, have been, weirdly enough, positive for the past year. And I think, in large part, it's because I stopped reacting.

As I described, I oscillate between having faith in things going somewhere with him, and being open to a relationship with someone new. Although this may not be the most detached attitude, I have accepted feeling the former more lately (which could change).

So, I asked myself what would I have to be like it a relationship with him? Well, I'd be patient, calm, I wouldn't take things personally, I'd be steady and caring, I'd be very solid in my sense of self. I wouldn't assume the worst, I'd take the time to understand my own feelings. I'd recognize when I needed time for myself, I'd invest in self care and hobbies. I'd reach out to friends for support, but I'd validate my own feelings first. I'd feel like it's great when we interact, but if you need your space that's okay too. And when we do interact, I'd be authentically me, I wouldn't hold back on who I am (hiding how much I care, worrying about how I come off). When it comes to other people or love interests of his, I'd have the attitude of go ahead and explore that I don't want to hold you back  . I know there are smarter, prettier, better communicating people out there, and if you feel like they make a better partner for you than I am happy for you. None of them have the unique traits and thoughts that make me who I am, and that is enough for me to feel secure within myself. And that version of me would still post here from time to time  

I remember, around a year ago, when he was saying he wanted to date me again. I had expressed to him that my biggest fear was that he would be with someone else. Even then, I knew that fear would be a hinderance, and I couldn't have a healthy relationship if the worst thing I could imagine was the person changing their mind and leaving (and that applies to any relationship). I feel like I needed to go through these past few months so that, slowly, that fear evaporated one drop at a time.

[tina7868]

Hello! It's been a couple of days. Life has been hectic, less in a fun distracting way and more in a multiple sources of anxiety and stress way. I don't always have time to check in on my feelings. I am trying to prioritize self care and take things one day at a time. This busy period is temporary, it will be over in about a month. I can do it.

Throughout this period, I am having waves of emotions regarding my ex. The ball did ´drop´ in the sense that my feelings of peace and acceptance turned into sadness and panic. I expected that. Even in my last post, where I wrote about being the version of me who would sustain a relationship, doesn't resonate with me today. Then there are all the obsessive thoughts about why he disconnected his account flooding in. I know this situation has occured before. I am willing myself each day into completing tasks. I haven't felt like this in a while.

[cranmango]

Hey Tina—thanks for sharing. Just want to say that I’m here, and what you describe makes a lot of sense. For whatever reason, yesterday was really hard. Lots of emotions and intrusive thoughts about my ex were weighing on me. I kept reminding myself that it would pass. That I wouldn’t feel that way forever. I re-read old posts (including yours!) for a good chunk of the day, just to stay grounded.

Sometimes we actively cope with the hard moments. And sometimes we just try to endure. Either way, know that you aren’t alone.

[tina7868]

Hey Tina—thanks for sharing. Just want to say that I’m here, and what you describe makes a lot of sense. For whatever reason, yesterday was really hard. Lots of emotions and intrusive thoughts about my ex were weighing on me. I kept reminding myself that it would pass. That I wouldn’t feel that way forever. I re-read old posts (including yours!) for a good chunk of the day, just to stay grounded.

Sometimes we actively cope with the hard moments. And sometimes we just try to endure. Either way, know that you aren’t alone.

Hey cranmango, thanks for sharing too. I am so appreciative of this forum. I'm sorry you're experiencing intrusive thoughts and emotions. Like you said, it will pass, there will be relief. In the meantime, it's okay to not feel okay. It is good to have some go-to activities that help stay grounded. I did some yoga earlier today and it helped me. I wish I could be a detached zen master. I'm sure a zen master wouldn't be bothered by a disconnected messaging account  

[tina7868]

Today, I feel like radical acceptance is the way to go. I accept that I don't know what is going on on his end, what his motivations are, or when I will hear from him again. It is what it is. I'm focusing on that, and on doing things for myself that make me feel centered and happy, as well as working towards my goals. I recently got an offer for a job in a new city! Despite feeling fearful of moving away, I am going to go for it.

[OKrunch]

Today, I feel like radical acceptance is the way to go. I accept that I don't know what is going on on his end, what his motivations are, or when I will hear from him again. It is what it is. I'm focusing on that, and on doing things for myself that make me feel centered and happy, as well as working towards my goals. I recently got an offer for a job in a new city! Despite feeling fearful of moving away, I am going to go for it.

Tina, i appreciate your optomism, i needed to read this today.
Congrats on a new opportunity! the universe is rewarding you.

[tina7868]

Tina, i appreciate your optomism, i needed to read this today.
Congrats on a new opportunity! the universe is rewarding you.

Thank you for your kind words

Hello all!

Recently, I decided to go ahead and block my ex. Interestingly, it felt like the right thing to do not because I was feeling down, but because I was feeling happy and at peace. I have recently been feeling a ´click´. I can be more present, and focused on working towards my goals. I realized that when I am in the here and now, I am happy. It is when my thoughts get away from me that I bring myself down. I wondered, does this mean I am over it? Have I finally moved on? I think that would be the case when he stops living rent free in my head altogether. I realized that the bulk of my thinking about him was about when and will he contact me again, so it felt like the best thing for me is to just remove that possibility.

I feel light and free. It helps that it isn't much of a loss anyways   . Him coming in and out of my life wasn't working for me.

A part of me feels like, if he is meant to be in my life,  the universe will conspire to bring us together again. I just feel like I am giving myself a gift of a break from accepting behaviour that wasn't serving me. I guess the hardest part is thinking, what if I had waited just a bit longer? What if he reached out to rekindle and I don't know? The logical part of me feels like I am saving myself from the complication of navigating that kind of situation, that the interactions we have had have been mostly confusing, and if he really wanted to rekindle our relationship, there are multiple ways to reach out to someone in this day and age.

I've never blocked him before. At the very least, this is moving me in some sort of new direction, instead of remaining stagnant.

Thank you all for your support as always. You inspire me.