"Addicted" to the connection

[WitzEndWife]

I was talking to my T yesterday about how I simply couldn't bring myself to block my STBX from everything, even though he has posted all of these private Instagram stories of him crying and begging me to stop the divorce process. He looks like a complete train wreck and I can't help but feel guilt when I look at this stuff, like, "Look at what you have done to this poor man - you've ruined his life." I know, logically, that isn't true. Logically, I did everything I could to make his life better - I supported him until he finally got off his butt and went to school and learned a trade. I bought him multiple vehicles (he has two cars and a motorcycle). I gave and gave. And when I found I was just enabling him and stifling him, I removed myself. Not to mention that he was abusive to me in so many ways. Logically, I have only helped him. But it feels horrible. But I have kept going to the source of this guilt and watching it and torturing myself.

I keep trying to find a greater meaning here as to why I have kept this thread of connection, why I can't bear to let go entirely. My T tends to think I'm somewhat "addicted" to it and that I just need to stop. Maybe there's no meaning, it's just a habit of sorts.

That kind of makes sense, but I also think I'm getting something out of torturing myself. Like, somehow, deep down, I think I deserve it.

I'd love to get thoughts from this community on this.

[kells76]

I'm curious if you've had times where you felt safer feeling sad/depressed/down, or where feeling happy/good felt frightening?

[Couscous]

I also think I'm getting something out of torturing myself. Like, somehow, deep down, I think I deserve it.

That may very well be the case, and if so, your therapist’s advice still holds true. Just stop torturing yourself.

You could also try talking back to the part of you that thinks you deserve to suffer, and tell it very firmly, “No! I do not deserve it!”, or something along those lines.

[ForeverDad]

An alcoholic has to keep away from the bottle.  A smoker has to keep away from tobacco.  How do you stop viewing his posts?  Probably you can't stay away from your own account, but can you stay away from his account?  Probably no point to ask a trusted person to monitor it.  Block it or whatever?  I'm not familiar with that platform.

It won't hurt him if you don't view or monitor his account.  He is still around after all these years, it's unlikely he will do himself in if you don't see those draining posts.  After all, he knows to make contact for anything important through the lawyers as I recall.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm curious if you've had times where you felt safer feeling sad/depressed/down, or where feeling happy/good felt frightening?

That's a good question. I've definitely felt safer feeling depressed, I'd say. And oppressed and stuffing down my needs. Embracing happiness and the possibilities for my life does feel frightening for some reason.

[WitzEndWife]

An alcoholic has to keep away from the bottle.  A smoker has to keep away from tobacco.  How do you stop viewing his posts?  Probably you can't stay away from your own account, but can you stay away from his account?  Probably no point to ask a trusted person to monitor it.  Block it or whatever?  I'm not familiar with that platform.

It won't hurt him if you don't view or monitor his account.  He is still around after all these years, it's unlikely he will do himself in if you don't see those draining posts.  After all, he knows to make contact for anything important through the lawyers as I recall.

I have been pretty good about not looking at his posts, but then Saturday night he showed up as I was taking the dog out for a walk. He claimed he had bought me a gift and wanted to drop it off (already a violation of the agreement, but okay), that he hadn't intended to even see me. He clung to me like glue while I walked the dog and did his usual begging, then he obsessively called me at points during the weekend. I don't want to go through the expensive process of filing motions or getting another order of protection, as I've already spent tens of thousands of dollars on everything up until this point. I'm hoping that continuing to ignore him and calling police when he does show up unannounced again will curb things and he'll go back to silent mode. It seems these desperate waves come around the forward movement of the case. We're nearing settlement. He's going to have to be on his own and he won't be able to rely on me for financial support. He's panicking. Hence the frantic attempts to keep me on the hook, including threatening self harm again and again. I know we should take that seriously and all, but I tend to believe in my heart of hearts that he is desperate to survive, not trying to quit this world.

All of this is stressful. I'm exhausted. When do I get to have peace?

[Cat Familiar]

At some point it will at last be over. When he realizes that your days of providing for him are long gone, he will be too—undoubtedly looking for his next *free ride*.

After I finally extracted myself from him, my ex attached himself to a welfare mom, though apparently finances got so tight that he had to find some work eventually.    She later confided in me that he was *holding her hostage with suicide threats*. It seems that the playbook they know gets repeated in different contexts.

I hear he’s still alive, in another marriage, living on the opposite coast. Thankfully thousands of miles away and I’ll never see him again.

[SinisterComplex]

I was talking to my T yesterday about how I simply couldn't bring myself to block my STBX from everything, even though he has posted all of these private Instagram stories of him crying and begging me to stop the divorce process. He looks like a complete train wreck and I can't help but feel guilt when I look at this stuff, like, "Look at what you have done to this poor man - you've ruined his life." I know, logically, that isn't true. Logically, I did everything I could to make his life better - I supported him until he finally got off his butt and went to school and learned a trade. I bought him multiple vehicles (he has two cars and a motorcycle). I gave and gave. And when I found I was just enabling him and stifling him, I removed myself. Not to mention that he was abusive to me in so many ways. Logically, I have only helped him. But it feels horrible. But I have kept going to the source of this guilt and watching it and torturing myself.

I keep trying to find a greater meaning here as to why I have kept this thread of connection, why I can't bear to let go entirely. My T tends to think I'm somewhat "addicted" to it and that I just need to stop. Maybe there's no meaning, it's just a habit of sorts.

That kind of makes sense, but I also think I'm getting something out of torturing myself. Like, somehow, deep down, I think I deserve it.

I'd love to get thoughts from this community on this.

In truth you probably know the answers and you probably know what to do, but to quote the song from I Prevail "There's Fear in Letting Go."

You have to train your mind to replace your negative behavior with something constructive and positive. The more novel the better. Hence the phrase it is mind over matter.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Many here have found that they have to listen to their logical mind first, knowing that in time their emotional heart will catch up, given the opportunity.

[DogOwner]

First what is a STBX?  (oh, wait "Soon to be Ex?")  I gathered a T is Therapist?

Not being there and witnessing you or him, I can't know why you maintain a connection.  But I would not assume that it is addiction, or weakness on your part.  Here are just some guesses on my part, but they may be all wrong.

You cared about him.  You'd still prefer that he be in a better place in his life.  You'd still like to help.

You can't bear to hear yourself bad-mouthed and falsely accused, so you keep jumping in and saying "I did NOT!" 

You hate the way the story has turned out and stay engaged waiting for a plot twist.

Your STBX has periods of time where he is calm and charming, and you get sucked into reacting to that person.  I love the Dolly Parton song, "Here You Come Again."  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x87Zx3XAIsI  - in case you haven't heard it). 

You share some really good things with this person, so the connection is there and will remain for a very long time, even if it fades.  People aren't wired like Facebook.  You can't just 'unfriend' or 'block' in your brain.   You just have to shift your focus to other things.  In giving other things more attention, you will gradually give him less attention.  Or so I think.  I'm still married, so what do I know about ending connections?

[Pook075]

Hence the frantic attempts to keep me on the hook, including threatening self harm again and again.

There's an easy way to stop that, dial 9-1-1 and say he threatened self-harm.  Then he gets a short timeout in a hospital or psych ward.  He calls again, 9-1-1 again...he will quickly catch on to the pattern and realize it's not working for him.

Had to do that with my daughter years ago.  After the 2nd call, she didn't pull that stunt anymore.  It's also the most responsible thing you can do anyway; he gets help without your involvement.

[Couscous]

  I don't want to go through the expensive process of filing motions or getting another order of protection,

No need to use an attorney for this. You can get an order of protection on your own and it won’t cost you anything.

[ForeverDad]

DogOwner  Here is a link to common abbreviations here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Note that the chart does not list all of the recognized Personality Disorders (PDs).  Some are categorized as "acting-in" (impacting self) and seldom an issue here.  The "acting-out" (impacting other persons) are called Cluster B and they're the ones we most often discuss endlessly here

[Red5]

ForeverDad wrote;
"Many here have found that they have to listen to their logical mind first, knowing that in time their emotional heart will catch up, given the opportunity"

Very true statement, ... absolutely!

I used to tell myself, and a few close confidants,

"Seems like my heart (spirit) and my 'soft emotional mind' are always arguing back and forth, ... as to what to do, ... meanwhile my gut waits, ... and listens to the both of them, ... and finally says; "when you two are done, follow me to the exit" ...

#cognitive dissonance
#trauma bond

Seems three things bring out the crazy in folks;
*divorce
*marriages
*funerals

Hang in there WitzEndWife

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Perhaps, deep down, you still feel responsibility for his feelings and you keep the thread of connection because you are hoping to get some resolution that he’s going to be ok before you let go completely.

That was the hardest part for me. I went no contact while shaking in my boots about his reaction and whether he would survive or not.

He did. It took a long time for my emotions to catch up to my head. A long time, within no contact, where I had space to breathe without fear of him texting or calling.

Over five years later, I have just gotten out of the habit of keeping my phone on silent.

There’s a finality to letting go completely and allowing contact keeps that finality away. Whether you don’t want to be with him or not, you don’t want harm to come to him, and letting go of all contact means you can’t do anything about his feelings or his survival (you can’t anyway, but emotions don’t care about that. They just Are).

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll echo what Redeemed has said. Around the time I was breaking up with my husband, the neighbor who lived across the road shot himself in his barn, and was found by his mother and his three year old daughter.

His wife told me she had left, taking their two children with her, because he’d been using meth—something that I was completely unaware of, as he seemed like a normal family man working as a contractor.

Within a couple of weeks of our breakup, my ex had paired up with a welfare mom. Months later I’d heard several reports from people in town that the two of them were dirty and smelled bad, and I certainly noticed that whenever he showed up to take things from the property. (It wasn’t until years later that I finally put two and two together: the erratic behavior—worse than before; the lying—typical, but more extreme; the grandiose delusions—wasn’t sure if I had finally woken up and was seeing the truth or if these were more serious crazy notions than what I was accustomed to. But ultimately it occurred to me that he was likely doing meth.)

Even though I didn’t realize what was going on with him at the time, I instinctively knew something was seriously *OFF* with him and the suicide threats he’d made throughout our marriage haunted me, especially after the neighbor’s death.

At this point, everything was in motion with the divorce, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other and persevering. I knew that there was nothing I could do to protect him or keep him safe, and if he was going to take his own life, that was on him, not me, though I did worry about his survival.

Fast forward many years later: I’ve been no contact for years, yet I’ve heard about many of his subsequent misadventures: arrest for domestic violence, fleeing the state and being on our county’s “wanted list,” living on the other coast and racking up bills for which creditors have called me, receiving a phone call from a woman tracking down her father (him) from a one night stand when he was married to me, learning that he had chosen not to visit his long-suffering mother at the end of her life (probably to avoid being arrested in this state), and other sundry details.

Obviously I had underrated his survival skills. 

Like you, throughout the marriage I had focused upon the good and kind parts of him and hoped to support those, while hoping the difficult and abusive parts would recede through my kindness and continued support. Didn’t happen. Apparently he’s been able to successfully latch on to a succession of women who were able to bail him out of difficulty. Turns out the threats were just that—manipulative threats.

We are only responsible for our own choices. We cannot save someone hellbent on destruction. Talk is cheap, but the fear it can elicit in us can keep us hooked—trying to right someone else’s ship, when we really need to pay attention to keeping our own boat afloat.