Welcome!
You are in the correct place for a sympathetic ear as most if not all have been in your shoes. Feel free to browse around, read, and look at references here.
I am struggling dearly. My husband was recently diagnosed after decades of being told it was depression and anxiety and our relationship is on the brink.
What did you do the help remind yourself to not invalidate? I do it and I do not even realize it. Was there anything that worked for you to change the pattern? This is something that I have learned on several levels.
1) I remember that I am talking with someone that has the emotional rationalization of a two year old and it must be managed the same way. This condition developed in the first 18 months of life - that is where they are - expecting more is futile. Really hard to wrap your brain around because they are an adult - but there it is. It can’t be fixed, can’t be cured, - it just is. You will likely relate as you have a two year old. One moment they are great, the next inconsolable, the next raging without any ability to rationalize.
2) If I forget and things start escalating- I go back to point one - and tell myself “Duh - what were you thinking?” They can’t help it.
3) Practice a lot of self care. I take the mandatory time to get sleep, eat right, exercise, and socialize with family and friends. Like any parent of a toddler knows - you will never be at your best in responding if you are worn down. You need to be mentally sharp to deal with the emotional tidal wave that can erupt for any reason at any moment. (This is So, So, So Important!). Things get so much worse for US if I am not at 110%. She is not capable of being the stronger emotional one - we must be.
How do I heal from the verbal abuse? How can I change it?
1)
Do not accept verbal abuse. Like any toddler - you must make a stronger boundary of what you are able to accept and what you will not. My tolerance is about 15 minutes and that is my boundary. I let her vent and if she can’t pull out - I explain that I appreciate she is still feeling “x” but
I need to take a break to be a more effective listener (aka a toddler timeout) and we can pick up this conversation again at “X point in time” so she feels she is not being abandoned or it is her fault. I leave the situation, and 9 times out of 10 when I return she is cooler in the future and she acknowledges it doesn’t need to be discussed anymore. Don’t get me wrong - she isn’t happy when I leave and usually there is an insult or two, but she wasn’t happy anyway. The reality is that she is just in an emotional firestorm and couldn’t rationalize her way out. DBT and CBT therapy can help them control this better if they are willing to accept it. My wife doesn’t nearly rage/ melt down as long as much anymore since being in therapy for just over a year. (She is high functioning). She will normally go back to being “normal” after the timeout - with no long term emotional ramifications.
2) Your Mental protection. Assuming you have practiced diligent self care - use the emotional protective bubble. I put an imaginary plastic bubble around me, and fill it full with positive happy thoughts. The bubble protects me inside. I am ok - they are the ones dysregulated.
3) Learn and practice skills, skills, skills.
Defensive: “Grey Rock” method. It is exactly how it sounds. Be about as interesting as a grey rock. One word simple answers, and let them explode and get it off their chest while you are in your bubble not putting fuel on the fire.
Offensive: “S.E.T.” Methodology. Sympathize with them, Empathize With them, and tell them the Truth of the situation. This tool really stops things from escalating, and shortens rants and meltdowns. SET will be awkward at first, and you will have failures, but use it over and over and over and it will begin to be a life saver. There are whole lessons here on that.
4) They have to help themselves - you can’t change them - they must do this themselves. Lack of sleep and stressful situations I have found are triggers for her. She is the only one that can figure out how to manage that. There is no level of “protecting” or “controlling” by you that can prevent those. They need to figure out through therapy how to manage life’s stressors.
I have a 2 year old and I am very concerned about him growing up and seeing our dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes we are so great and sometimes we epically fail and I think talking to others going through this will help.
Keep talking - I am sure more here will chime in. You aren’t alone.
