This is about a roommate w/uBPD, not an SO, but the intimacy issues and problems still apply.
For context—I've posted on another forum before about my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I have gotten a lot of clarity since then and am working on my disorganized attachment and incredible ability to fawn. My sister, I believe, is also undiagnosed borderline, and she and my mom are trauma bonded at the hip. My relationship with my mom, however, isn't great either--I have not confronted her about her abuse in my childhood because I am terrified. And when we're together, there's a lot of emotional enmeshment, and I lack boundaries. I am still financially dependent on her because I'm in college, but hoping that once I graduate and have less to lose, the conversation might be a bit easier.
I've realized that I instinctively flinch when someone touches me without warning because I'm afraid they'll hit me. This fear of physical violence mostly comes from my sister's rages, but my mom has been physical a few times with me before too (although always apologized). I didn't before understand how much it affected me and my sense of emotional safety. Basically, I coped with my mom and sister's volatility by becoming a shell of a human and shrinking/hiding whenever I could. I did whatever they needed, and I thought my mom was an angel for the longest time. I hated my dad because my mom taught me he was useless (they’re still together, and he puts up with the abuse; it was a horrible relationship to watch and learn from).
I have a hard time setting boundaries and am an incredible fawner without even realizing in all my relationships. I self-gaslight to the point where i’m not even sure what is true anymore.
I am extremely co-dependent--my only romantic relationship was with a covert narcissist. I so refused to trust myself that I thought he was a good person and I was the problem--- until he discarded me by sending me pictures of his new girlfriend and him in bed together.
----------------
All of this is to say that I’m pretty predisposed to unhealthy relationships. But I have also been in therapy for ten years and am constantly working on myself. I believed myself to be in a place where I could recognize and distance myself from abuse, which has been the most disheartening.
The actual situation: I have three roommates. Two of them are extremely close and I love them both (one of them I’d consider a best friend), but I sometimes feel hurt, because I’m third wheeling their friendship and can be treated like I'm somewhat invisible. To an extent, because of this, I bonded with my other roommate, whom I’ll call Helen, more easily, and we already had a solid foundation of friendship. I was the one who asked her to be our fourth roommate, though I was a bit nervous, because she has had a history of unstable relationships.
At first things were pretty good. For a time, I considered Helen one of my best friends. Though I did find myself attending to Helen’s every need, especially when we were around other friends in order to protect her reputation, as though I was responsible for it (I think this mimics how I act around my mom). Still, Helen was extremely kind to me and attune to my emotions.
Then came subtle devaluing; she’d always interrupt me and I wasn’t really allowed space to exist in the friendship. She was also passive aggressive with me and inconsistent in treatment.
It got to the point where my other two roommates started to notice the way she was treating me (though she wasn’t treating them well either). With me, though, it was worse, mostly because I put up with it. I knew deep down what was happening but was unable to trust myself.
Finally, I built up the courage to talk to her. I originally was just going to highlight my concerns, but she kept pushing the conversation in an attempt to avoid conflict that I decided to turn the convo into terminating the friendship altogether. One night, after she’d continued to avoid the convo, I passed her on the way into the house and asked to talk. I’d been giving her space to feel prepared for the convo, but I was frustrated and angry. I told her the friendship wasn’t meeting my needs. She had her headphones in and closed her eyes and pretended not to hear me. When I tried to talk again, she ignored me.
She’s been away and I’ve been avoiding her since then, but our interactions have been pretty superficial and nonexistent. Today, though, after she got back from her trip, she had a conversation with me like nothing was wrong and told me she cared about me and our friendship. I played along. I was so upset with myself for my response, but I have a trauma reaction every time she walks in the door.
My other two roommates are supportive of me, but I think I feel sad because I don’t quite have a person, and I am constantly reminded of how little space I’m comfortable taking up and how much of a doormat I can be. I have no idea how to deal with Helen’s behavior and there is no option of terminating the lease, which doesn’t end for another two and a half months. I feel like Helen has BPD (not dx as far as I know) but the lack of guilt also somewhat feels like narcissism, which is a bit different than my family situation. I do still have a lot of care for her and I know BPD comes from a history of trauma/ not trying to stigmatize. I’m just not sure what to do and feel that I'll be stuck in this pattern of relationships always. Generally just pretty devastated. Advice, if you feel strongly about it, might be helpful, but moreso looking for words of affirmation that I can get through this. Thanks yall
