Okay, I'm humbled, I need advice.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Okay, some things deteriorated recently, and it's because I went on a tirade against my sister for saying I have a delusional disorder for believing a lot of people are Narcissists, but I've gone over it so much, I know I am correct. She was gaslighting me, and I basically cut her off, after telling her off, in a way that stole my peace (Unfortunately she's a Narcissist too, which breaks my heart, but not getting into that). Then I got so irritated with my Dad for manipulating me, and started getting all worked up and it worked on me, because his behavior got fed by my anger, man was that disempowering, I stayed up all night last night, all manipulated, and feeling helpless and struggling, it was terrible.

So I'm taking some time away from my Dad to get my mental health in order, and to reasses what I want from things, and what to do, because I've been trying a lot of things, and some are working and some aren't.

I thank him for stuff he does for the pets, and for the household, or when he's considerate of what I want. (Now, is it important to say I expect things, or say what I want? Expecting is firmer, but also more controlling, I think for certain things I have had expectations, like contributing to caring for the pets, and getting us food, paying bills, staying out of my room, etc), but I wanted privacy today to talk to the counselor and I asked for it. I think asking might go over better, but he might take advantage of the ambiguity, still, I feel like I'm losing myself, by being so stern with him, I don't want to be a hard ass, all the time.

Anyways, if I don't thank him, which happens because of trauma, or stress, or irritation, or whatever, then he acts out. I told him today that I'm just going to focus on his positive behaviors, he can tell me what he did for the pets or household, if he gets antsy for acknowledgement, because I'm taking a long time. Because I forget sometimes. I don't expect gratitude back, because I know he's phony when he does it, and I can pat myself on the back for doing stuff.  Another thing is although I like when he pets the pets, he ONLY does it to pander to me, and I don't think that's healthy, so I ignore it. I'm going to ignore his other manipulations too, and walk away, unless they seem especially bad.

We basically have no personal relationship, like, I have felt too upset by the past, to really connect to him, and I'm even nervous about a movie night that I was considering happening, when I am ready, because I thought it might make things easier to deal with in the house. I want some compromises with it, so it's fair, and so we don't ruin the movie for each other, if we get bitchy about it. In the past, he would PLEASE READ on my parade, and ruin things for me, and I'm not going to do that.

I don't want to know about his personal life, because I can't trust him with mine, I feel like he'd use it against me. I don't like sharing emotions with him, because he can use it against me. I don't know where the line is though, it's awfully suffocating to be like that. I think maybe I could say I feel stressed or frustrated at least? IDK, the tension in the house is too much, I'm trying to break it.

We alternate cooking days, and that helps connect us a bit. We're taking care of responsibilities quite well.

So, how could we ease the tension in the house, and improve our relationship, within the limits of my own personal struggles and the limitations of his disorder Covert Narccisism?

Any ideas are welcome, I've tried to do TOO much on my own, because I feel scared of disempowering myself, but I have become too arrogant, out of fear, I need to humble myself and ask for ideas and advice, I know some of the stuff I am doing is working, but it needs to be improved, because it's too tense in this house, and I'm worn out a lot. I'm trying to spend some time for myself for a day or two, and care for myself a lot, before I go back to it much. Thanks for reading!

[NarcsEverywhere]

Okay, some things deteriorated recently, and it's because I went on a tirade against my sister for saying I have a delusional disorder for believing a lot of people are Narcissists, but I've gone over it so much, I know I am correct. She was gaslighting me, and I basically cut her off, after telling her off, in a way that stole my peace (Unfortunately she's a Narcissist too, which breaks my heart, but not getting into that). Then I got so irritated with my Dad for manipulating me, and started getting all worked up and it worked on me, because his behavior got fed by my anger, man was that disempowering, I stayed up all night last night, all manipulated, and feeling helpless and struggling, it was terrible.

So I'm taking some time away from my Dad to get my mental health in order, and to reasses what I want from things, and what to do, because I've been trying a lot of things, and some are working and some aren't.

I thank him for stuff he does for the pets, and for the household, or when he's considerate of what I want. (Now, is it important to say I expect things, or say what I want? Expecting is firmer, but also more controlling, I think for certain things I have had expectations, like contributing to caring for the pets, and getting us food, paying bills, staying out of my room, etc), but I wanted privacy today to talk to the counselor and I asked for it. I think asking might go over better, but he might take advantage of the ambiguity, still, I feel like I'm losing myself, by being so stern with him, I don't want to be a hard ass, all the time.

Anyways, if I don't thank him, which happens because of trauma, or stress, or irritation, or whatever, then he acts out. I told him today that I'm just going to focus on his positive behaviors, he can tell me what he did for the pets or household, if he gets antsy for acknowledgement, because I'm taking a long time. Because I forget sometimes. I don't expect gratitude back, because I know he's phony when he does it, and I can pat myself on the back for doing stuff.  Another thing is although I like when he pets the pets, he ONLY does it to pander to me, and I don't think that's healthy, so I ignore it. I'm going to ignore his other manipulations too, and walk away, unless they seem especially bad.

We basically have no personal relationship, like, I have felt too upset by the past, to really connect to him, and I'm even nervous about a movie night that I was considering happening, when I am ready, because I thought it might make things easier to deal with in the house. I want some compromises with it, so it's fair, and so we don't ruin the movie for each other, if we get bitchy about it. In the past, he would PLEASE READ on my parade, and ruin things for me, and I'm not going to do that.

I don't want to know about his personal life, because I can't trust him with mine, I feel like he'd use it against me. I don't like sharing emotions with him, because he can use it against me. I don't know where the line is though, it's awfully suffocating to be like that. I think maybe I could say I feel stressed or frustrated at least? IDK, the tension in the house is too much, I'm trying to break it.

We alternate cooking days, and that helps connect us a bit. We're taking care of responsibilities quite well.

So, how could we ease the tension in the house, and improve our relationship, within the limits of my own personal struggles and the limitations of his disorder Covert Narccisism?

Any ideas are welcome, I've tried to do TOO much on my own, because I feel scared of disempowering myself, but I have become too arrogant, out of fear, I need to humble myself and ask for ideas and advice, I know some of the stuff I am doing is working, but it needs to be improved, because it's too tense in this house, and I'm worn out a lot. I'm trying to spend some time for myself for a day or two, and care for myself a lot, before I go back to it much. Thanks for reading!

[cranmango]

Hi NE--it sounds like you have a pretty thorough understanding of the dynamic with your father, and it sounds extremely challenging to face that on a daily basis. Just wanted to check in to see how things are going lately.

My dad has strong traits of NPD, and I know that I could never live with him. We trigger each other when in person. We actually get along much better over text, because the communication is more controlled. I get to decide how much to respond, and how frequently (and vice versa). I am also very careful about what topics we talk about. There are few safe topics (news, etc) and many, many unsafe topics. Like you, I share very little a bout my personal life, because it only gets used against me in the future. And I try not to get roped into his chaos, either.

Something I've pondered about for years is: Do I want a relationship with my father? If so, what kind of relationship is achievable? A mistake I made for *decades* was expecting things of him as a father that he is truly just incapable of giving. I had to change my expectations. I didn't change my needs, though--I get those fulfilled in other family and friend relationships. But I did have to fundamentally change the perspective with which I approach the relationship with my father.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey cranmango,

Thanks for checking in! Well, I do have a good understanding, but it's still hard to hold my life together under these conditions. I cut off my Dad for a day, after he crossed my boundaries, he ignored my desire to be left alone, because I wasn't strict with him, and then he guilt tripped my, with all sorts of sob stories, which I bought into, lost sleep and blamed too much on myself and such. I'm realizing it's not worth caring about what he is going through, in a lot of ways, just because so much of it is a lie, and figuring out the truth is too exhausting.

Today, he left me alone, and I've been keeping my distance still, I told him I'm in a bad mood (mistake), and that perked him up, and he crossed my boundaries again, by interrupting me, and talking about stuff I told him I didn't want to talk about. Then I set firm boundaries very quickly, I thanked him once for something and he pandered and kissed my ass. Back to the same old tricks, sad that he wants me to suffer so bad.

I was laughing tonight, because I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation, how he hurts me to feel better about himself, and how he instilled a sense of infallibility into my golden child sister (now a Narcissist herself), just to feel better about himself. The whole thing feels like such a joke, that I can't help but laugh about it, and besides that, it all seems so petty, how he acts.

Yeah, I get that, about what is possible in the relationship, I don't know, to be honest. He's not trustworthy, in an awful lot of ways, and it causes me to be unnerved. Like, how am I supposed to win if he feels unhappy when I am happy, and happy when I am unhappy? That's a no win situation, I can't work with that. It's hard to accept that, and live my life, under the constant threat of my happiness, leading to more resentment, leading to more abuse. But yeah, the less I share with him, the better.

I got through to him one time, but it seemed to have a huge cost, of craploads of my energy, just to get through to him once. I basically told him, unless he can figure out what he wants from the relationship, and be constructive about it, then I'm not gonna be able to have one with him, because if he has no skin in the game, then it's not going to ever work.