Reflections on his latest rage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted here several years ago and I am back again.  Back then I found a lot of support in this group, but I confess that I left when one person berated me for being stuck for such a long time.  It felt like a sharp criticism; it hurt and was not helpful.  So I hope this time I will just encounter people who are willing to listen, maybe tell me I'm not alone, possibly make constructive suggestions or observations.  It can be very, very difficult to extricate oneself safely.  Sometimes it takes a long time.

I am living with a guy who often binges on alcohol (10-12 beers a night, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week), has rages, criticizes me often, complains often, is very controlling.  There are times when he has thrown things or broken my things.  One time he cut his own hand badly when he smashed a knife into his hand during a rage. Sometimes he hears voices that are not there.  I am not a diagnostician, but I think he might have both borderline personality order and paranoid schizophrenia.  His parents abandoned him to a foster family when he was five, and he had a very difficult childhood.

I had thought he was improving, maybe with age.   Towards the end of last year, things seemed calmer.  But the past few weeks have been difficult.  I will just describe what happened this morning as one small example.  I came down to the kitchen in the morning, still half-asleep.  I saw him and told him I needed his advice on a package I was preparing to take to the post office.  He threw a RAGE!  He started SHOUTING at me angrily that I should speak in a different tone of voice!  He said, "How many times do I have to tell you I can't hear you when you speak in that high-pitched tone!"  I tried to tell him I had just woken up.  But he continued shouting at me, so I ran upstairs.  Then he shouted up the stairs at me!  He said, "Talk to me in the same tone that you talk to people on the phone!  If you can't do that, don't talk to me!"

I wasn't speaking to him in any "high-pitched tone".  I may have been speaking more softly because I just woke up.  He has a hearing problem, but refuses to go to a doctor or get hearing aides.  He has a tendency to blame others for his problems.  If he bangs into something, it's the fault of what he bangs into.  And I have asked him so many times not to shout at me.  I feel that shouting is abusive.  To me it is not normal.

Later he came up to my office and said that he was wondering what he was doing in my house.  He complained that I was insisting on having my own way.  He said "That's not showing me any respect."  Then he left.

So I have taken his advice and have not been speaking to him.  I just nod or shake my head.  It seems to work better.

His impatience and harshness worries me.  I am 73 years old, and he is 70.  What happens if I get dementia?  It's hard to imagine myself with someone who screams at me in my old age because I show signs of dementia.  But he probably will kill himself with alcohol first, and he has Alzheimer's in his family.  I also have trouble imagining myself being his caregiver if he gets dementia first and it makes the rages even worse.  These are scary thoughts, and I might talk to someone in the local council on aging. 

There is also the question of whether we will break up.  It's complicated because he has hundreds of tools and hundreds of construction projects that he is in the middle of, in which we both have much invested.  I can't just leave, because it's my house.  He has nowhere to go and no resources.  Then there is also my fear of him.  The most dangerous time is when you break up with them.  I have to be very careful.

I didn't intend to be so long-winded. I'm sorry to have to tell you my sad story.  Thanks for listening.
 

[seekonlypeace]

I posted here several years ago and I am back again.  Back then I found a lot of support in this group, but I confess that I left when one person berated me for being stuck for such a long time.  It felt like a sharp criticism; it hurt and was not helpful.  So I hope this time I will just encounter people who are willing to listen, maybe tell me I'm not alone, possibly make constructive suggestions or observations.  It can be very, very difficult to extricate oneself safely.  Sometimes it takes a long time.

I am living with a guy who often binges on alcohol (10-12 beers a night, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week), has rages, criticizes me often, complains often, is very controlling.  There are times when he has thrown things or broken my things.  One time he cut his own hand badly when he smashed a knife into his hand during a rage. Sometimes he hears voices that are not there.  I am not a diagnostician, but I think he might have both borderline personality order and paranoid schizophrenia.  His parents abandoned him to a foster family when he was five, and he had a very difficult childhood.

I had thought he was improving, maybe with age.   Towards the end of last year, things seemed calmer.  But the past few weeks have been difficult.  I will just describe what happened this morning as one small example.  I came down to the kitchen in the morning, still half-asleep.  I saw him and told him I needed his advice on a package I was preparing to take to the post office.  He threw a RAGE!  He started SHOUTING at me angrily that I should speak in a different tone of voice!  He said, "How many times do I have to tell you I can't hear you when you speak in that high-pitched tone!"  I tried to tell him I had just woken up.  But he continued shouting at me, so I ran upstairs.  Then he shouted up the stairs at me!  He said, "Talk to me in the same tone that you talk to people on the phone!  If you can't do that, don't talk to me!"

I wasn't speaking to him in any "high-pitched tone".  I may have been speaking more softly because I just woke up.  He has a hearing problem, but refuses to go to a doctor or get hearing aides.  He has a tendency to blame others for his problems.  If he bangs into something, it's the fault of what he bangs into.  And I have asked him so many times not to shout at me.  I feel that shouting is abusive.  To me it is not normal.

Later he came up to my office and said that he was wondering what he was doing in my house.  He complained that I was insisting on having my own way.  He said "That's not showing me any respect."  Then he left.

So I have taken his advice and have not been speaking to him.  I just nod or shake my head.  It seems to work better.

His impatience and harshness worries me.  I am 73 years old, and he is 70.  What happens if I get dementia?  It's hard to imagine myself with someone who screams at me in my old age because I show signs of dementia.  But he probably will kill himself with alcohol first, and he has Alzheimer's in his family.  I also have trouble imagining myself being his caregiver if he gets dementia first and it makes the rages even worse.  These are scary thoughts, and I might talk to someone in the local council on aging. 

There is also the question of whether we will break up.  It's complicated because he has hundreds of tools and hundreds of construction projects that he is in the middle of, in which we both have much invested.  I can't just leave, because it's my house.  He has nowhere to go and no resources.  Then there is also my fear of him.  The most dangerous time is when you break up with them.  I have to be very careful.

I didn't intend to be so long-winded. I'm sorry to have to tell you my sad story.  Thanks for listening.
 

[kells76]

Hi seekonlypeace, welcome back. Glad you remembered us and felt like you could share what was going on in your life.

Aging plus a PD &/or other mental illness sounds extremely challenging. It's wise of you to think ahead, like you're doing, to the future:

His impatience and harshness worries me.  I am 73 years old, and he is 70.  What happens if I get dementia?  It's hard to imagine myself with someone who screams at me in my old age because I show signs of dementia.  But he probably will kill himself with alcohol first, and he has Alzheimer's in his family.  I also have trouble imagining myself being his caregiver if he gets dementia first and it makes the rages even worse.  These are scary thoughts, and I might talk to someone in the local council on aging.

It sounds pretty clear that whatever is going on with him, he will not be a reliable support for you if you have health/aging issues come up.

In my own way, I can relate to your challenge -- can we rely on a pwBPD for critical action? My husband's kids' mom has many BPD-type traits and behaviors (though no diagnosis). In the past, I'd hoped that despite her issues, when it came to critical areas like discipline for the kids, we could all at least be a united front. However, that's not the case. She cannot be relied upon to support any of our parenting decisions, and in fact, can be relied upon to undermine rules/discipline/respect/etc. She has a deep and overwhelming need to be "the one on top", the chosen/favored parent, "the best"/the expert, and so undermining our relationship with the kids to "prove" that they choose and prefer her, is completely okay in her book. So, we know that we can't trust her or rely on her for any meaningful support.

It could be wise to assume that you should not rely on your partner for any critical care at all. He simply does not have the capability, so it is "accepting reality" to make other plans. Talking to the aging council ahead of time is smart. Maybe they can recommend a few different in-home care providers and geriatric med doctors that you can "interview" long ahead of time, then write down who you prefer, so that if/when you have those needs, you already know who you want to help. You could also consider then sharing that list with trusted family/friends, so if you are in a position where you need care and yet can't articulate it, they can step in to assist you in getting care with preferred doctors/groups.

Basically, you can think through setting up -- completely in parallel from your partner, with no agreement or input needed from your partner -- how you'd want your care to go were you to get dementia, writing it all down, and sharing your plan with a few people you trust to implement it. Then you might have some peace of mind now, knowing that "current you" with all your mind intact, has planned well for "future you".

...

The intertwined households/projects are difficult. Have you ever talked through your situation with an anonymous DV hotline? It wouldn't mean "oh I'm definitely leaving right now" -- like you already know, that is a dangerous time in a relationship. It could just be information-gathering to help you make some wise choices. Many people, including members here on this board, have had pretty tangled households during a separation, and while messy, have found a way to detach. Of course, there are other paths forward, too, if you choose to stay in the same house together. Finding some rooms or areas of the house that are safe and "yours" could be a way to go. Building connections with neighbors, so you know you could quickly step out of the house next door, is another thought. Some people build "project sheds" or "art studios" in the backyard that can be nice refuges. Finding ways to keep yourself safe and have an exit from an immediate situation of his rages/criticism/harshness could be something to ponder, no matter what happens with your relationship.

...

It makes sense to me that you want to explore some other concerns besides the black-and-white "either I stay or I go". Really glad you're posting here on the "conflicted" board -- it's a good place to think through different paths forward.

Looking forward to hearing more from you in the future;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

You mentioned he had built a small cabin to be sold.  If it was never sold, you could ask him to move there, or he could move to a small apartment nearby so (1) he could continue his construction projects and (2) you would have some level of relief.

The key aspect of any options such as this is that it would set distance between you two, at least partially separating your lives.  Often when there is conflict (or dysfunctional behavior such as alcoholic binges) then distance apart can be part of the remedy.  Remember that BPD behavior becomes more evident the closer the relationship.  Distance apart usually reduces the stress and discord.  If you can determine in which ways you can separate your lives then some of the discord ought to reduce.

Regarding your concerns of your eventual future care, informing other friends of your wishes is helpful but I worry it wouldn't be enforceable.  Please make clear your intentions in legal documents such as Advance Medical Directives, provision for a Power of Attorney if/when necessary and a specific will.

Without such legal items in place there is no limit how much chaos he could cause if he were in control.  Depending on your state's laws he might claim you were living as a couple and demand spousal rights, impacting both your care and all sorts of management and inheritance matters.

[seekonlypeace]

kells76 and ForeverDad, thanks so much for responding to my message and for being so welcoming.  It's wonderful to be able to read messages about my situation from sensible perspectives.  I saw your message early in the morning, kells76, and it helped me survive the rest of the day.

Today I still was avoiding speaking to my housemate.  He asked me to start speaking again, so I did.  He said the problem yesterday had been that I was speaking in that "high voice", which he had asked me repeatedly before not to do.  I said the problem was that he threw a rage, which I had asked him many times before not to do.  If he had talked to me calmly about not being able to hear me, there would have been no issue.  He claimed that I was the first one to throw a rage!  I distinctly remember that he immediately started shouting at me as soon as I spoke to him.  I mainly just ran away.  He told me I am "impossible", and that he has never encountered this with anyone else.  I told him that I never had encountered anyone else who shouted at me instead of talking calmly.  I told him that I don't consider shouting at someone normal conversation.  I told him that he was talking about himself when he described what he thought I was.  He didn't like any of this, but I felt like I had to speak my truth.

I know this is not me, because I have experienced decades of long-term relationships, including a good 35-year marriage (I am a widow), but he has gone from one short-term relationship to the next, repeating the same patterns.  I know what a good relationship is like, and I know how to have one.  He does not.  People tend to tell me I am easy to get along with.  His description of his last (and only) marriage sounded as if there was lots of yelling.  He has told me that his ex-wife told him that he was abusive.  That one lasted only three years.

Anyway, things are calm, for now.  He has resumed his tasks that he had stopped yesterday when he was so upset that I was talking in a "high voice".  Things are relatively normal again.

I like your suggestion to research and write down my long-term-care plans. I have not done that, and I think it's a good idea.  I have a will, power of attorney, health care power of attorney, and living will, with one of my brothers listed at executor, POA, etc.  I have an informal document listing people to contact, bills to pay, etc., which my brother has.  But I haven't decided on or written down long-term-are preferences.

Yes, I have talked to the national and the local domestic violence hotlines.  I do need to put together my exit plan in case I need to get away quickly.  I had been starting to enroll a couple of close friends who were willing to help me escape if I needed it, but then they both died in 2022.  There is another couple who said they are willing to help, but they live about an hour and a half drive away.  I'm not very close to my neighbors, but maybe I could befriend one.  My late husband and I didn't have children.  I often wish I could rent an inexpensive secret apartment somewhere, but that would be extremely expensive.

A long time ago, I checked with a family attorney, and apparently there is no danger in this state that I could become accidentally married to this guy.  It's not a common-law state.  The attorney said I didn't need to create a cohabitation agreement to protect me from losing half my possessions to him.  So I think I am safe from that, but I appreciate your thoughts. 

He keeps telling me that he plans to semi-move to my land where he is doing construction, and stay there at least several days a week, so that he won't have to commute so far.  It's 55 miles away.  I think that's a great idea, and I've been waiting years for it to happen.  He can't afford to rent a separate place, but will have to semi-camp out on my land, and return here for showers and supplies.  Yes, that will give me lots of relief, and maybe I can even make changes here that he won't let me make.  I feel like a prisoner in my own house, because he insists on doing all the repair work even if he doesn't have time to do it all; he would throw a rage if I tried to hire someone.  I can't even do my laundry without his permission because he keeps large quantities of tools on top of both the washer and the drier.  I can't open my windows because he is hyper-sensitive to neighborhood wood smoke, even if no one else can smell it.

I could go on and on.  In fact, I keep a journal for therapeutic purposes, just to help me survive, and it now exceeds 500 pages!  I'd better stop here, because it's getting too long.  I appreciate your thoughts.  This helps me immensely.  Thank you.