This is so long. My first post. I need to talk to people who get it.

[Ineedsupport884]

I just need to vent. sorry its so long

I can't tell anyone in real life.

I got with my boyfriend about 1.5 years ago. We are late 20s. He is 3 years younger than me. We met on Tinder. I am his first everything. Everything. He is my second.

We hit it off so well and everything was great. I loved him so much and still do. He is everything I wanted. Or was before this stuff.

We have an amazing connection and all the usual stuff. I always read posts here and see replies like if he loved you/ had a connection /was the one he wouldn't do this. And I'm aware. It just hurts so much to fall for someone and learn it was all a lie.

We met online and eventually met in person. We were long distance. Eventually I moved to where he lives. Got my own place. All was well. There were a few moments when he was drunk that made me question things but nothing major and put it down to drunken behaviour.

I was in his city for a while and his mother offered me to stay with her. Rents were insane and are worse now and I've never had the chance to be helped in adult life so I was happy. It all went great. Until one day he met one of my friends from my old city. She accidentally said my exes name. I shut her down and said I didn't wanna hear about them and its disrespectful to partner. It was fine. We went home and everything was OK I thought.

A few weeks later he got drunk and started screaming how disgusting I am. For context the ex in question was well and truly done with before we met. We know the same people so were civil. It didn't end on bad terms it was more like a friendship for a lot of the relationship anyway and we did our own thing until we decided it was not a relationship at all. No bad blood really.

The person in question proposed to me about 7 years ago. I said yes but then said no this isn't right for us and we are going through the motions we don't even want this the other person agreed and again we were civil and no bad blood. It was a mutual platonic thing we just got into the routine of its hard to explain. But no abuse.

My now bf was screaming about how disgusting I was for even agreeing to marry someone and I was a bad person and he didn't like who I was. I didn't even talk to him about this. He told me he found out before our second date through a family members Facebook. He knew about it before getting serious with me and before I moved here and said nothing about it bothering him.

I thought it was a bad moment and tried to help and support him. This happened a few more times sometimes sober sometimes drunk. It always ended with him saying sorry I know this isn't normal I'll get better. That was approx a year ago to this day.

We were living with his mother and one night it happened and he left me out alone so I came back and told her I didn't know where he was. She wasn't surprised. She is an alcoholic and doesn't speak to most of her family (obviously didn't know this when I moved in)  she has been abused by men in the past and has abused her son (my bf) in different ways not physically.  He was around all of it. His dad was not around because of this.

Anyway the night he left me alone I went home chatted with her a bit and went to bed. He came in drunk and angry and ended up slapping me full force across the face. I just sat and cried. His mother heard the slap and ran in and said go to sleep and stop crying you're both toxic for each other. I felt so abonded and let down but at this point had nowhere to go. My parent was terminally ill in hospital at this point and unfortunately has since passed.

I was in shock but kept going and making excuses. He wasn't physical again apart from pushing me out of the way and accidentally hurting me because I wouldn't move. But he constantly tortured me about my past and how he would never accept it and how I would never be good enough

There were ups and downs and I asked him to get counselling. He did but ended up talking about his mother and family problems instead of ours. He eventually stopped going.

Near the end of me living there the insults and attacks were so bad I was crying my eyes out begging him to stop.  He said the worst things imaginable. His mother got a text from the neighbour and said how embarassing it was for them to hear me crying. He apologised and told her it was all him and not my fault.

The next day she came home drunk and swung a punch at me and threatened to kill me. We called an ambulance to help her but they wouldnt come. She was saying I had humiliated her and made her son miserable. She said she wishes she has cancer so she would get the attention my (now passed) parent got. My parent had terminal cancer for context. He was defending me the whole time and protecting me. She made me leave the house. We had nowhere to go or live so slept outside and in hotels for a while. For some reason I stayed.

I eventually found us a new place to live and at this point my parent passed away. Everything was OK at first and he realised how far things had gone and how bad it was over something that to me is so it irrelevant.  Then gradually it started coming back

The main event after living here was after things being good for a while another friend from my old city came to visit. They got on well and we had fun and I was so relieved and happy. He switched out of nowhere and got so drunk he accidentally headbutted me when we got home. He said the usual abusive things about me being disgusting and a bad person and damaged goods.

A few weeks later I tried to talk about it and he went insane again screaming at me in the street. He did this before. Once on a packed train he was demanding to know how many times I slept with someone 7 years ago and how much of a whore I was.

I dunno how I am still here.

That day he said he wanted to break up and I somehow didn't want to. I know I should but I can't leave him. He threatens to leave me but never does but maybe it's because we have nowhere to live. He says everyday he loves me and even in the worse moments.

I stayed out of his way as much as possible and he decided to go on a work night out. This is is first job I'm a long time and it isn't something he would usually want to do but whatever. He went out and disappeared till 5am. He said he was on the way home at like 2.30 so I was worried he got too drunk and something happened.  He ignored all my calls. When he finally got home he started talking about his Co worker trying to kiss him but he said no and was slurring words. I picked up his phone and he wrestled me to the ground and hurt my shoulder and head to get it back. He started berating me about my past again.

Everytime I try to communicate or talk about anything at all related to our issues he says it's because of my past and he will never get over it or respect me. Since the work night out there has been a weekly session of abuse (not physical this time) either home or in public and I'm just tired.

He got fired this weekend for unrelated reasons so the financial burden is on me again. I work full time.

I assured him we would get through and be ok and he would have time to go to counselling again and maybe this would be good for us. He was so positive and in love with me and I really thought it was it. But its never it.

Last night I sensed something off so I tried to talk to him (always my biggest mistake) I'm calm loving and respectful. He assured me all was OK and nothing was wrong anymore then out of nowhere said he would never fully be attracted to me cos of my weight. I'm not really overweight just have a bit of tummy and actually weigh less than when we met. But he said he never was fully into me cos I'm not his type (slim).

Today he woke up with love and sorry and I was just numb to it. He eventually dropped the facade and got mad again and said it was my past and it always will be he said he will never respect me and what I did equates to cheating for him. (I was engaged like 7 years ago we have been together 1.5 now. There was no overlap actually a big gap between. My ex is not in my life and never was during this relationship apart from staying friends with some of my friends. We didn't hang out together tho and apart from the two instances above I havent seen any of my old friends since moving here and barely talked to them to avoid trouble).

So now he has stormed out of the house telling me I'm disgusting and worthless and he will never respect me but he does love me and he wishes he didn't so he could leave me and if we had a place to live he probably would. I just said OK be safe and let him go.

I'm sitting here at a loss. I know its partly on me for letting it get this far. No one in my life knows or even suspects apart from his mother but we don't speak after what she did to me. She called him in the weeks after harassing me and speaking bad about me while I was grieving.  Saying I must have caused him to be this way. He defended me at every turn


I can't leave and if I'm honest still dont want to. I know its not real or healthy it's a trauma bond. But the love I have is real. I was willing to get him help and support him through it all but that's the typical naive story.

I dunno what to do. There's nothing I can do. I'm not I the US and there's a housing crisis here which is why we have to live with a lot of other people at the moment (strangers). I don't have family to stay with and DV services are full here.

I wanna die but don't want to let him win. I actually would miss him so much. I'm ________ed up and don't know how to fix it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Ineedsupport884, welcome to the group. Really glad you felt like you could reach out and be honest about what's going on in your life right now.

Your situation sounds so stressful and overwhelming -- like it can't keep going on like this.

Anyone would feel conflicted, confused, and unsure, after going through what you've been through -- the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" dynamic is really familiar to people here:

In Robert Louis Stevenson's 1886 Scottish novel, the protagonist, Dr. Henry Jekyll, struggles to suppress a second and dark personality within himself named Mr. Hyde. Jekyll tries mightily to repress Mr. Hyde, who increasingly surfaces and reigns terror without guilt or fear of consequences.

Does this characterization remind you of your partner or a family member?  One minute they are the greatest, most kind and affectionate person.  The next minute they are a hurtful, disrespectful, and selfish person?

How could someone so good, turn around and become so bad - and then flip back again?

It's very possible that you are dealing with someone with personality disorder traits or even a personality disorder itself.

Have you been viewed as overly good and then overly bad?
Have you been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions?
Are things that you have said or have done being twisted and used against you?
Are you are accused of things you never did or said?
Do you feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to?
Are there alternating periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving?
Do you often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions?
Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard?

So many of those questions remind me of the challenges you've been through.

You're definitely with people here who get the conflict of loving someone, not necessarily wanting to end the relationship, but maybe wanting to leave, and having realizations that a lot of what's happening isn't healthy.

Here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, you can learn about some tools and skills you can try, and ways to take care of yourself, as long as you are in the relationship. We understand that sometimes circumstances (housing, finances, support, etc) make it more difficult to end a relationship in the moment.

While DV services are full, you can consider finding some more 24/7 online resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline. While I believe it's USA based, you may be able to use the web-based online chat in other countries -- click around and let us know what you find.

...

I hear you're still working full time, is that outside of the house, or at home (remotely)? I'm curious about places you can go and things you can do that give you a break, even for a little bit.

...

Keep us posted on how your day is going and how we can be here for you. Again, welcome;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hi Ineedsupport884, welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I want you to know that everyone is here to support you.

Before I give any advice, I noticed that you posted in two different areas- 'bettering a relationship' and also 'detaching from a failed relationship'.  Are you unsure of which category you fall into?  You will get different advice from people in those channels depending on where you are in the relationship.

The first thing I need to say is that abuse is not acceptable.  If you're being hit, pushed, head butted, etc. then that is clear abuse and against the law wherever you live.  You can't fix a relationship in those circumstances and need to get yourself somewhere safe.  If that's not possible, consider calling the authorities.  You can't stick around and wait for things to escalate even further.

For the blame and verbal abuse, that's not acceptable either.  We were all in prior relationships and if he can't deal with that, then there's not much you can do.  Protect yourself by putting some distance between the two of you.

I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could offer more help- is there anywhere you can go through the city/state government?  You should certainly consider therapy for yourself and please read through the site to learn how to better deal with your boyfriend's outbursts.  But again, get somewhere safe first!

[Ineedsupport884]

Hi Ineedsupport884, welcome to the group. Really glad you felt like you could reach out and be honest about what's going on in your life right now.

Your situation sounds so stressful and overwhelming -- like it can't keep going on like this.

Anyone would feel conflicted, confused, and unsure, after going through what you've been through -- the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" dynamic is really familiar to people here:

So many of those questions remind me of the challenges you've been through.

You're definitely with people here who get the conflict of loving someone, not necessarily wanting to end the relationship, but maybe wanting to leave, and having realizations that a lot of what's happening isn't healthy.

Here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, you can learn about some tools and skills you can try, and ways to take care of yourself, as long as you are in the relationship. We understand that sometimes circumstances (housing, finances, support, etc) make it more difficult to end a relationship in the moment.

While DV services are full, you can consider finding some more 24/7 online resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline. While I believe it's USA based, you may be able to use the web-based online chat in other countries -- click around and let us know what you find.

...

I hear you're still working full time, is that outside of the house, or at home (remotely)? I'm curious about places you can go and things you can do that give you a break, even for a little bit.

...

Keep us posted on how your day is going and how we can be here for you. Again, welcome;

kells76

Hi and thanks for your response

Yes thats exactly what it is like. Since my post things have gotten worse and I really feel like I don't know what to do. I love him and see he needs help but sometimes it's just impossible. He says the worst things when he is splitting and makes me think the whole relationship is a lie. Then when he is calm again he will tell me it was just anger and he loves me and wants to get better.

I am in Ireland also. He has a counselling appointment on Monday now but its just a regular counsellor.  I hope it will help.

I have spoke to my manager since this post. I didn't tell her anything but I will be going into the office more so that might be good. I always avoided going in because I was unable to be in a good mood or socialise after his devaluing so it was easier to stay away from people.

Thanks
 

[Ineedsupport884]

Hi Ineedsupport884, welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I want you to know that everyone is here to support you.

Before I give any advice, I noticed that you posted in two different areas- 'bettering a relationship' and also 'detaching from a failed relationship'.  Are you unsure of which category you fall into?  You will get different advice from people in those channels depending on where you are in the relationship.

The first thing I need to say is that abuse is not acceptable.  If you're being hit, pushed, head butted, etc. then that is clear abuse and against the law wherever you live.  You can't fix a relationship in those circumstances and need to get yourself somewhere safe.  If that's not possible, consider calling the authorities.  You can't stick around and wait for things to escalate even further.

For the blame and verbal abuse, that's not acceptable either.  We were all in prior relationships and if he can't deal with that, then there's not much you can do.  Protect yourself by putting some distance between the two of you.

I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could offer more help- is there anywhere you can go through the city/state government?  You should certainly consider therapy for yourself and please read through the site to learn how to better deal with your boyfriend's outbursts.  But again, get somewhere safe first!

Hi

I posted in both areas because I'm not sure. We are together and I want to be but he 'breaks up' with me every second day. It doesn't stick

I know what you said is true and I will do that when I can.

Thank you

[Titch]

Hi There

Firstly I want to say that you sound like a kind and caring person.
Secondly, however much you think you love him, you can’t fix him.  You need to end this relationship for you own safety and mental health. He needs to work on himself and deal with his trauma before he can have healthy relationships. However sorry you feel for him. His pain becomes the rage he inflicts on you.
I know it’s heartbreaking, I’ve been there, but you will find someone who you can have a loving and healthy relationship with.

Please take care.