Was it ever real to begin with? Why would she want to remain friends?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I entered what I thought was my first serious relationship a while back. I’ve “talked” to girls in the past but never felt that spark that made me want to commit. We met online and at first, I never intended on being romantic with her. She DM’d me first because we shared a common taste in music. After a couple nights of talking, we watched a movie on FaceTime together and just hit it off like never before. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could be totally authentic and not wear a mask. She lived one state over and it only took a month before she invited to fly me out and meet up. After three weeks of talking, she told me she kept having wet dreams of me, very vivid, very graphic. Something she’s never had before. She initiated the sex, neither of us were very experienced. She comes from a conservative Muslim family and only had sex once before, years ago. She's only capable of long distance relationships because of how strict her family is. She told me we were soulmates. She told me I was perfect, I thought the same of her. That I was the best thing that ever happened to her. That she'll never find a guy like me again. That she's never smiled as much with as she did with me. After I returned home, I noticed she started to slowly become more distant. The change in her tone was less affectionate, we stopped calling and texted only. She sank into a deep depression and finally admitted she suspects she has BPD.

On New Years, she dropped a bombshell on me. Basically saying "I told you I'm not a good person, I was going to hurt you eventually, it's best I do it now and get it over with. You're too good for me, I don't deserve you" and dumped me. She says she’s disgusted with herself and would do anything to take it back but wants to remain close friends. She can't even say she loves me now. I’m still the same person I was in the beginning. The things she claimed to love about me haven’t changed. I keep asking her for clarification but it seems she doesn’t even know why she did this to me. It’s like that moment of infatuation she had is all a blur, and she’s forgotten the formative moments of our relationship. My mind is now swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I go from thinking she's a good person who did a horrible thing, to being resentful and feeling like it was a ruse this whole time. I could accept things not working out because of her unaccepting family who hates me for being White and fearing ostracization. I can't, however, cope with the possibility this was all a disassociative haze that she snapped out of, and was just mirroring me, using me to fill a temporary void; despite the fact I would walk through Hell in gasoline boots for this woman. Now I have to sit back and watch her likely cave into an arranged marriage to please a family who've done nothing but abuse her. The fact she was my first and only true love makes it so much harder to move on. I'll never fully heal from this. Over time, a scab will form, only to be picked off and start bleeding again. Apparenlty she still sleeps in my old Hawkwind shirt I gave her

[Maen-y-Bardd]

I entered what I thought was my first serious relationship a while back. I’ve “talked” to girls in the past but never felt that spark that made me want to commit. We met online and at first, I never intended on being romantic with her. She DM’d me first because we shared a common taste in music. After a couple nights of talking, we watched a movie on FaceTime together and just hit it off like never before. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could be totally authentic and not wear a mask. She lived one state over and it only took a month before she invited to fly me out and meet up. After three weeks of talking, she told me she kept having wet dreams of me, very vivid, very graphic. Something she’s never had before. She initiated the sex, neither of us were very experienced. She comes from a conservative Muslim family and only had sex once before, years ago. She's only capable of long distance relationships because of how strict her family is. She told me we were soulmates. She told me I was perfect, I thought the same of her. That I was the best thing that ever happened to her. That she'll never find a guy like me again. That she's never smiled as much with as she did with me. After I returned home, I noticed she started to slowly become more distant. The change in her tone was less affectionate, we stopped calling and texted only. She sank into a deep depression and finally admitted she suspects she has BPD.

On New Years, she dropped a bombshell on me. Basically saying "I told you I'm not a good person, I was going to hurt you eventually, it's best I do it now and get it over with. You're too good for me, I don't deserve you" and dumped me. She says she’s disgusted with herself and would do anything to take it back but wants to remain close friends. She can't even say she loves me now. I’m still the same person I was in the beginning. The things she claimed to love about me haven’t changed. I keep asking her for clarification but it seems she doesn’t even know why she did this to me. It’s like that moment of infatuation she had is all a blur, and she’s forgotten the formative moments of our relationship. My mind is now swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I go from thinking she's a good person who did a horrible thing, to being resentful and feeling like it was a ruse this whole time. I could accept things not working out because of her unaccepting family who hates me for being White and fearing ostracization. I can't, however, cope with the possibility this was all a disassociative haze that she snapped out of, and was just mirroring me, using me to fill a temporary void; despite the fact I would walk through Hell in gasoline boots for this woman. Now I have to sit back and watch her likely cave into an arranged marriage to please a family who've done nothing but abuse her. The fact she was my first and only true love makes it so much harder to move on. I'll never fully heal from this. Over time, a scab will form, only to be picked off and start bleeding again. Apparenlty she still sleeps in my old Hawkwind shirt I gave her

[kells76]

Hi Maen-y-Bardd, welcome to the group -- glad you felt ready to reach out and share what's been going on.

Bombshell sounds accurate. Everything seemed so good, and then without you doing or being anything different, she ended things -- except only kind of -- because now it's confusing, she says wants to be friends, says she wants to take it back, but won't get back in the relationship, and it seems like even she doesn't know why or can't explain it. Anyone would be reeling after that.

You had a good insight here:

The fact she was my first and only true love makes it so much harder to move on.

That sounds devastating, to have your first serious relationship end so un-straightforwardly, and it makes sense to me that that makes it more difficult to move on.

I keep asking her for clarification but it seems she doesn’t even know why she did this to me. It’s like that moment of infatuation she had is all a blur, and she’s forgotten the formative moments of our relationship. My mind is now swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I go from thinking she's a good person who did a horrible thing, to being resentful and feeling like it was a ruse this whole time. I could accept things not working out because of her unaccepting family who hates me for being White and fearing ostracization. I can't, however, cope with the possibility this was all a disassociative haze that she snapped out of, and was just mirroring me, using me to fill a temporary void

I'm curious if you've had a chance to look around the site yet -- that overarching question of "so did she ever really love me" is a huge one for members here. If you haven't seen it yet, take a look at our thread on Did she ever love me? and let us know what you think. In fact, the post was started by a (reputable and vetted member) BPD-diagnosed educator on this site, who shares from her perspective what relationships were like when impacted by BPD.

While we might not be able to know one way or the other if your ex "officially" had BPD, many of her behaviors sound hurtful and disordered. Whatever diagnosis she does or doesn't have, know that this is a good place to work through what happened and how you want your future to look.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and again, welcome;

kells76

[Gutt3rSnipe]

I entered what I thought was my first serious relationship a while back. I’ve “talked” to girls in the past but never felt that spark that made me want to commit. We met online and at first, I never intended on being romantic with her. She DM’d me first because we shared a common taste in music. After a couple nights of talking, we watched a movie on FaceTime together and just hit it off like never before. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could be totally authentic and not wear a mask. She lived one state over and it only took a month before she invited to fly me out and meet up. After three weeks of talking, she told me she kept having wet dreams of me, very vivid, very graphic. Something she’s never had before. She initiated the sex, neither of us were very experienced. She comes from a conservative Muslim family and only had sex once before, years ago. She's only capable of long distance relationships because of how strict her family is. She told me we were soulmates. She told me I was perfect, I thought the same of her. That I was the best thing that ever happened to her. That she'll never find a guy like me again. That she's never smiled as much with as she did with me. After I returned home, I noticed she started to slowly become more distant. The change in her tone was less affectionate, we stopped calling and texted only. She sank into a deep depression and finally admitted she suspects she has BPD.

On New Years, she dropped a bombshell on me. Basically saying "I told you I'm not a good person, I was going to hurt you eventually, it's best I do it now and get it over with. You're too good for me, I don't deserve you" and dumped me. She says she’s disgusted with herself and would do anything to take it back but wants to remain close friends. She can't even say she loves me now. I’m still the same person I was in the beginning. The things she claimed to love about me haven’t changed. I keep asking her for clarification but it seems she doesn’t even know why she did this to me. It’s like that moment of infatuation she had is all a blur, and she’s forgotten the formative moments of our relationship. My mind is now swinging back and forth like a pendulum. I go from thinking she's a good person who did a horrible thing, to being resentful and feeling like it was a ruse this whole time. I could accept things not working out because of her unaccepting family who hates me for being White and fearing ostracization. I can't, however, cope with the possibility this was all a disassociative haze that she snapped out of, and was just mirroring me, using me to fill a temporary void; despite the fact I would walk through Hell in gasoline boots for this woman. Now I have to sit back and watch her likely cave into an arranged marriage to please a family who've done nothing but abuse her. The fact she was my first and only true love makes it so much harder to move on. I'll never fully heal from this. Over time, a scab will form, only to be picked off and start bleeding again. Apparenlty she still sleeps in my old Hawkwind shirt I gave her

I’m so sorry this happened to you man, truly. I know how unbelievably painful it is as the same thing happened to me. My ex said and did eerily similar things as yours did in the beginning. She said, “I was perfect in her eyes”. “we are like Romo & Juliet”. “I was a blessing from God and I made her happier than she’s been in a long time”. She loves me so so so much and would never break my heart…. Infatuation stage bs
She even told me I made her so wet every day when she saw me at work (among other sexual things) the first mouth I met her like yours said.  It amazes me how similar so many pwBPD are in their behaviors.

My guess is you did/said something’s to trigger her abandonment fears and she couldn’t take the anxiety anymore so decided to tuck and run. Mine discarded me too after a lengthy devaluation stage before crawling back to her long term ex (probable favorite person). Your ex seemed to skip the devaluation stage entirely and ended it before it got to that point. Trust me, the devaluation stage is brutal. It’s like a slow systematic attack on your self esteem and character. It seems like anything you do can set them off and it’s all your fault no matter what. And the kicker,  it’s all done by someone who loved you like you were perfect not too long ago. It’s a real mind f.. Then after the devaluation stage progresses long enough you reach a point where all her romantic feelings are gone for you and then you’re promptly kicked to curb (probably for someone else).

The best thing you can do right now imo is go NC with her and get some mental heath support for yourself. My relationship with my ex has really screwed me up mentally man and I’m sure you’re feeling similar right now. Confused, angry, and heartbroken.

 If you want tips on how to possibly get her back though then check out coach Ken and coach Lee on YouTube. They give all kinds of potentially useful insight. Especially coach Ken because he deals with BPD ex’s. They have really helped me so they could help you.