I'm tired of being criticized over and over

[Bella2798]

There are some times when I get super mad and angry at my partner but I try so hard to keep my feelings and anger to myself.

Like we're talking and sharing things one minute, the second later he's telling my I don't speak the way that others normally do in society, I don't know the usage of the words, etc. And when I try to tell him that could be a misunderstanding because words can have different meanings for people and I saw the situation differently, he gets even more angry because "I'm insisting and not accepting, and he's mad and I'm not smart".
 
Once he had told me before that he says hurtful things because he is hurting deep down himself, and all he says is not about me but about himself, and he's projecting how he feels about himself on me.

The problem is I know if I show my anger and say I was hurt, he'll be more furious and says like who care about what you feel? And then I'll be even more angry and hurt and the cycle will continue.
I try to keep quiet but it hurts because what he says is not fair and I really want to defend myself but I know it won't work because he's not his rational self.

I don't know what is the best to do in such situations.

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[once removed]

I don't know what is the best to do in such situations.

the best thing to do in general, is to lean into, and remember this:

Once he had told me before that he says hurtful things because he is hurting deep down himself, and all he says is not about me but about himself, and he's projecting how he feels about himself on me.

people with bpd traits are hypersensitive to perceived slights or criticisms. sometimes disagreeing with them is enough to set that off. i know that for my ex, it would, at times, infuriate her that i saw things differently, and she insisted i see it her way.

and another thing that people with bpd traits do, often, when they feel that way, is provoke others, as a means of coping. it can feel better when you get under someones skin, and make them react.

its helpful that he sees this, and he told you himself. that doesnt necessarily mean its intentional, or that hes self aware in the moment, but its something you can remember.

the best thing you can do is to not give the strong reaction you have been giving, and to change your reaction (or to not react at all). that can look like a lot of different things, depending on how the two of you relate and speak to each other. the point is not to be a doormat, but not to give him the emotional payoff hes looking for.

[IWantToLive]

the best thing to do in general, is to lean into, and remember this:

people with bpd traits are hypersensitive to perceived slights or criticisms. sometimes disagreeing with them is enough to set that off. i know that for my ex, it would, at times, infuriate her that i saw things differently, and she insisted i see it her way.

I am in the same boat and I totally agree with this. Married for 15 years with 2 kids - I have been suffering for this long where I keep getting tutored on social mannerisms, that how people outside comment about me as anti social when on the contrary I rather get along well with people and can have long varied conversations. The only reason that I have reduced my social interactions is when she is around whereby she can be offended anytime on any of my discussion and once home will try schooling me. For a long time when used to give silent treatment to me and I used to go after her asking why she is upset and so on and discussions could go on for ages (time of the day or situation doesn't matter to her). Deeply frustrated, I stopped doing so but then her reactions became more over the top. I am no more the same determined person I was once before marrying her. Today, am a low life both at work and in my personal life. I want to walk out of the marriage but I worry about kids and after a while of been on receiving end from her, I try making up coz I don't want kids to be at the receiving end of her reactions. On job front, am in a senior position that is demanding but unable to move on due to impostor syndrome that I am struggling with for all these years when I could have crafted my skills, I kept myself busy managing her emotions. But I have hit a glass ceiling now and it is very strenuous.

the best thing you can do is to not give the strong reaction you have been giving, and to change your reaction (or to not react at all). that can look like a lot of different things, depending on how the two of you relate and speak to each other. the point is not to be a doormat, but not to give him the emotional payoff hes looking for.

How not to be a doormat? How not to give her the emotional payoff? What does it. Only this morning she didn't let me sleep from midnight till 4am. Like all the years before she assassinated my character, that I never gave her the life that other wives are enjoying, that I take her for granted and what not. Now she wants me to go away (not the first time) or otherwise she will stage a walkout (done umpteen times before) and the last time that I did finally make up my mind to move out and I was packing my bags, she came crying asking me not to leave.

Sorry for hijacking @Bella2798's thread but any guidance on how to navigate the situation will greatly help. Thanks in advance.

[Bella2798]

the best thing to do in general, is to lean into, and remember this:

people with bpd traits are hypersensitive to perceived slights or criticisms. sometimes disagreeing with them is enough to set that off. i know that for my ex, it would, at times, infuriate her that i saw things differently, and she insisted i see it her way.

and another thing that people with bpd traits do, often, when they feel that way, is provoke others, as a means of coping. it can feel better when you get under someones skin, and make them react.

its helpful that he sees this, and he told you himself. that doesnt necessarily mean its intentional, or that hes self aware in the moment, but its something you can remember.

the best thing you can do is to not give the strong reaction you have been giving, and to change your reaction (or to not react at all). that can look like a lot of different things, depending on how the two of you relate and speak to each other. the point is not to be a doormat, but not to give him the emotional payoff hes looking for.

its helpful that he sees this, and he told you himself. that doesnt necessarily mean its intentional, or that hes self aware in the moment, but its something you can remember.

It is indeed good to remember this. He even said that he feels so threatened that he needs to defend himself with whatever he has so he hurts me, and he's not self aware in those moments like he doesn't remember I'm dear to him.
But the problem is I also can't keep all these hurtful feelings to myself. I feel like I need some space to express my anger and being upset. I know I can probably talk to him about it when he's in a good rational mood and he tries to make it up to me then, but I also know that he feels more guilty and worse about himself because of his behavior and even if I say I don't blame him at all, this doesn't change. I don't want more burden on his shoulders.

the best thing you can do is to not give the strong reaction you have been giving, and to change your reaction (or to not react at all). that can look like a lot of different things, depending on how the two of you relate and speak to each other. the point is not to be a doormat, but not to give him the emotional payoff hes looking for.

Just as dear @IWantToLive, I have the same problem too. Sometimes he even invites me to a fight! I try to be as relax and calm as possible and not react at all, but he angrily says why don't you defend yourself? Why do you keep quiet about whatever I say and accept it? It's not healthy! And then we'll probably be having another fight about being healthy/toxic.
How is it possible to not be a doormat and not to give the emotional payoff he wants at the same time?